Trusting God At Home

These Kids Get It

2012-02-07T23:06:00.002-06:00

One of the most beautiful things about this adoption process has been watching the effect it's had on our kids. We have three sweet children that are pretty amazing in many ways but they are also...well...kids, which means that they generally think a lot about themselves. Being a family that's adopting hasn't magically erased their self-centeredness (or mine for that matter!) but God is using it to do something amazing in their little hearts. Here's just a taste of some recent conversations around our home:

Owen: "Can we pray for the mommy that has our baby in her belly? Let's pray that she will take good care of the baby and that if she can't, someone else can take care of the baby until we get him."

(Side note: Owen has never heard those exact words from us. Josh and I do talk with the kids about birthmoms, but not in great detail. Still, she is obviously very much on their minds.)

Babysitter: "Addie, your daddy and mommy are on a date but they'll be home soon. What do you think they are doing?"

Addie Beth: "They're adopting a baby!"

Tali: "Mom, I'm going to save and save my money so someday, if I don't have any babies from my belly, I can adopt! Well, actually, even if I do have babies, I can still adopt because there are still lots of children that need mommies and daddies, right Mom?"

They might be little, but you know what? They get it. Our kids know that there are kids their ages without parents and merely knowing about it isn't enough for them. They want to do something about it. Lord, give us all hearts like these children!

So Excited

2012-01-30T22:48:00.000-06:00

Hey, people! Wanna' hear something pretty cool? (You're probably thinking it's hard to get cooler than this little hot-shot and her rockin' dress up outfit, am I right? Understandable.)

WE FINISHED OUR HOMESTUDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, for those of you wondering, "What in the world is a homestudy and why in the world does it matter?" let me fill you in. :)

The first big part of the adoption process is the homestudy where it's determined whether or not you can be legally approved to adopt. So since November we have been filling out lots of paperwork, getting physicals and TB tests, writing a short autobiography, having friends fill out reference forms, reading some assigned material about birthmothers, watching some adoption education videos, doing 10 hours of adoptive training, paying the homestudy fee (about $2800) and spending time with our social workers answering lots of questions about our marriage/parenting/family background/etc. The final part of the homestudy is a visit where the caseworkers come out to your house to make sure it's a safe place and that's what we did today soooooooooo...we are legit!

I'm sure everyone's experience with a homestudy is different, but we found it to be fairly easy and enjoyable, just time consuming. But the reason why this is so awesome is that now we're one HUGE step closer to bringing home our baby/babies!!!! Super exciting stuff!

Our next steps are to apply for grants (we need about $10,000 before we will start applying to agencies...I'll explain that in another post), then apply to agencies, then wait to be matched with a birthmom! We really have no idea how long these next steps will take but we're excited to be one step closer today!

God's been so faithful to get us here! We are so excited!!!!!!

A Big Sister's Heart

2012-01-13T21:56:00.000-06:00

It was around bedtime when she ran in, eyes sparkling with a shy little grin on her face. Her hands were clasped tightly and she jumped up and down with excitement. "Mommy? I have a belated Christmas gift for you!"

"It's for your adoption fund, Mommy!" She opened her hands and placed into mine the twenty cents she'd been hiding. "The sooner you have the money, the sooner we can adopt, right Mom?" Her arms wrapped around me tightly and she squeezed, this sweet girl wanting desperately to be a big sister again.

It wasn't the act of generosity or her childlike faith that started my tears...it was her love for this little person that she doesn't even know yet-her love for her new little brother (or sister...or twins) that melted my heart. She isn't worried if she'll love a sibling that looks different from her or concerned that the new child's family history is different than hers. She doesn't even care about those things. She just knows that babies are a blessing and she can't wait to have another one in the house.

I love my girl and the beautiful big sister's heart that she has. Twenty cents has never meant so much.

The Kind of Mom I Am

2011-12-16T22:09:00.000-06:00

I once was the mom who couldn't believe someone could ever get frustrated or impatient with their child. I once was the mom who couldn't imagine not wanting to sit and play on the floor with my baby all day. I once was the mom who held tight to the wisdom passed on from the ages that "they will grow up in the blink of an eye" and tried to seize each moment of mommying. Now...now I am many things I wish I wasn't. I am not the mom I thought others should be or the mom I hoped to be.

I am the mom who checks her email when she could be playing dress-up. I am the mom who uses words carelessly and makes lots of peanut butter sandwiches and gets irritated by whining and crying. I am the mom who sometimes counts the minutes until naptime. I get angry. I get tired. Sometimes I wish I could call in a substitute. Sometimes I let them keep arguing instead of stopping what I'm doing to go help them learn to share. Sometimes I feel like the worst mom in the world. I am the mom who goes to bed most nights wishing I could do the day over again, wishing I had loved them better.

And if you're not that kind of mom and I sound simply awful to you, well, that's what I used to think of moms like myself, too. So I get where you're coming from. Maybe you never will be the kind of mom that I wish I wasn't. And it should sound awful to some extent because, aside from salvation and marriage, is there any gift as great as the gift of a child? Is there any job more valuable than being entrusted with the very lives and hearts of little people who will one day grow up and live lives that could completely change the world?

Maybe someday I will be the mom who doesn't waste time, who always chooses to invest in my kids instead of myself, who never gets angry and always patiently loves. I want to change and I need to change. But even if I did all of that, I still would not be a perfect mom. And no matter how hard you try, you will never be a perfect mom either. There is no perfect mom; there never was and there never will be. But there is a perfect Savior who loved perfectly in our places, that we might be forgiven for all of our lack of love and that our children may be loved perfectly by a parent who will never fail them. He is my only hope amidst my continual failings as a mom.

Father, thank you for always being a perfect parent even though I am not. Please, make me more like you as I love these little ones you've given me.

Adoption: Looking Out

2011-11-18T22:20:00.000-06:00

I feel like Addie Beth in the picture, looking out with a huge smile, but remaining behind the closed doors, not sure of what's ahead. We just started the first real piece to our adoption-our homestudy. It will probably be around 3-4 months before we're finished with that step. If you're not familiar with the process, here's a brief description: it involves tons of paperwork, physicals, fingerprinting, background checks, 4-6 visits with a caseworker who will ask us tons of questions and will visit our home, and oh yeah...money. Then, we will start having our profile (aka: small book that we make with pictures and words all about us!) shown to birthmothers. From there, we just wait until we're matched. After we finish our homestudy, it could be a matter of months or even just a few short weeks until we have our child(ren).

I'm sure everyone feels differently when they are going through this but here's how I feel:

I feel like I just found out that I'm pregnant. You know that "super excited-can't believe it's happening-is this really for real?" feeling you get when you see a positive pregnancy test? And then you quickly start imagining the feel of fresh newborn skin pressed against your cheek, the warmth of milky breath sighing deeply in sleep, white onesies and sweet footie pjs and soft blankies wrapped up tightly in your arms. That's how I feel.

You can't see this pregnancy. You won't look at me and see that there's a baby growing inside of me, but there is. This baby is just growing in my heart and not my womb.

So I feel like Addie Beth looking out that door, excited and nervous all wrapped up in one. After planning on adopting internationally for so long, this domestic route feels pretty new and unknown. But we're confident that this is where God's led us and where He leads is always good. Thank you, as always, for your prayers!

"Many are the plans in the mind of the man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand." Proverbs 19:21

2011-10-09T23:13:00.000-05:00

I thought I had some pretty great plans for this year. Some of them were:

1) To be completely healed of Graves' disease and never experience any thyroid issues again

2) To adopt 2 little ones from Africa

3) To keep encouraging my husband in his role as one of the associate pastors of our church

4) To have a tidier house

But my plans aren't actually what stands in the sovereignty of God's perfect plans. His plan involves:

1) Still struggling with ups and downs of hyperthyroidism and possibly doing so for the rest of my life

2) Adopting from the U.S.

3) Encouraging my husband as he transitions into the lead pastor role in our church

4) Having a house that often looks like a tornado ran through it

It can be bewildering, scary, unnerving, and just plain hard to wrap my mind around it all as I see His plans standing instead of mine. What's happening certainly isn't all bad, but it is very different than what I had planned. I know that other people might be confused as well by what is actually happening vs. what I've thought and said would happen. But really, that's how life always works. How often do I actually get exactly what I think I need? Far more often, God surprises me with a greater and better plan than I ever would have imagined on my own. His plans are way more informed and wiser than mine ever could be. If He would have let me persist in my own plans all my life, I'm sure I would never have known that I need a Savior. So most of the time, I'm glad that it's His purposes that stand instead of mine. And for the times I'm fighting to believe that, these verses bring me comfort:

"All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies." Ps. 25:10

"You are good and do good; teach me your statutes." Ps. 119:68

Little Kids and a Big Day

2011-08-01T21:24:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time, three little children dreamed all summer long about the Big Day. The anticipation was palpable in their home each Monday as they asked their parents, "Is it today? Are we going today?!" Then one hot summer morning, they heard the words they'd been longing to hear. "It's Train Day!"

With smiles and nerves they quickly walked to the station, their minds and mouths filled with questions about the ride that lay ahead.

They could hardly believe their eyes when they saw the big shiny train, waiting for them to board. They quickly climbed up the stairs and searched for the perfect seats.

The little boy sat right by the window and stared in wonder. It was even better than he had imagined!

The baby wasn't quite sure about all the noise, but she looked up at her mommy and said with determination, "I won't scared train, Mama. Chugga-chugga choo-choo!"

The big girl was her usual cheerful self, alternating between looking out the window, chatting with her mommy, and playing with the multitude of toys she had brought along.

The children enjoyed each and every minute but before they knew it, the train stopped. They headed out into the hot sunny world.

Thankfully, they found a fountain to splash their hands into for a while, cooling them down just a teeny bit.

But they were still hot so they decided to search for a spot to rest a while. They found a fun, refreshing place where they drank smoothies and played a fast-paced game of Bingo with their daddy. (The big sister won.)

Sitting still wasn't quite the baby's cup of tea, so they left in search of bigger and better adventures.

It didn't take long to find one; a huge toy-store was right down the street! But this wasn't just any toy store. There were tables set up all around with opened toys for them to play with. They could hardly believe their eyes!

After they played for a little while, they left the store with special surprises from their daddy and mommy.

The family headed back to the station. Soon, they discovered that their train would be a little late so they made themselves comfortable.

The big kids happily sat near the tracks and peered into the distance, waiting and watching for the big train to appear.

Finally, it arrived! They eagerly climbed aboard another shiny Metra and headed back home, saddened that Train Day had already come and gone. The children stared out the windows, thinking about all of the exciting adventures they had had, and wondering what magical things awaited them in the Mondays to come.

Have You Ever Heard of Such a Thing?

2011-07-27T09:45:00.000-05:00

Addie Beth has some teeth issues...as in, you can only see one of her front teeth when she smiles. At first, I thought that her other front tooth just needed time to grow in. But when I took a closer look, I saw that both teeth have fully come in. Her gums are just so crooked that you only see one of the front teeth. And it just so happens that the crooked side of her gums is right where she sucks her pointer finger. Coincidence? I doubt it.

Not excited about the prospect of paying for braces, Josh asked our dentist for advice. Her solution? Either get the baby to stop sucking her finger (fat chance) or switch her to a pacifier. I burst out laughing when Josh told me that. I mean, have you ever heard of introducing a paci at age 20months? Well, apparently it's not impossible. Isn't she just adorable?!

Savoring Summer

2011-07-23T23:23:00.001-05:00

Can you remember what it was like to be a child in the summer? Every day felt like dessert. I hear it in their voices from the moment they wake up, "Mom, what are we going to do today?!" The anticipation is thick as they imagine the delectable moments that lie ahead.

My temptation is to let them play and laugh and run while I load the dishwasher or throw in another load of laundry. They play, I work. But this week, I joined them. Because summer sun shifts to autumn breezes pretty quickly here in the Midwest.

Because babies grow into toddlers into preschoolers in the blink of an eye.

Because I'd be crazy not to stop for dessert while there's still some left.

Strawberry Picking

2011-07-17T22:13:00.000-05:00

I have wanted to go strawberry picking for years but there never seemed to be an easy time to do it. (One year I was pregnant with Tali, the next summer I was pregnant with Owen, the next summer I had a newborn...you get the theme.) But on the Fourth of July, my hubby gladly helped make my dream come true! We found an amazing orchard that still had yummy strawberries and picked about 10lbs. Here are some of my favorite pictures from the day!

Tali woke up and immediately grabbed her sunglasses and strawberry headband to prepare for the day. She was a great helper and so much fun to share in the memory with. This girl is just such a delight to hang out with.

Oh my...Owen was so funny! He was really excited about each and every strawberry that he found. By the end of the time his basket was completely empty and his belly was completely full.

Sooooo delicious! We froze a ton of these to eat over the months to come. Strawberries are definitely a gift from God.

This huge trampolineish thing was probably the kids' favorite thing about the whole orchard experience. Addie laughed non-stop while she was jumping with Josh.

I'm so grateful for God's kindness in making my strawberry picking dream a reality this year! We can't wait to go back again!

Vacation Thanks

2011-07-11T20:48:00.000-05:00

Mark Twain once said, "Don't cry because it's over, rejoice because it happened." That's what I want to hold in my heart as I think about vacation. This picture was taken (thanks to my awesome friends and their thoughtful tripod gift) right before we left to come home. Don't be misled; no one wanted to take this picture except me. No one was eager to sit and wait and pose and wait and try again. And as you can see, not everyone is smiling. But that's real life, right? Vacation wasn't without complaining and conflict and tiredness and dishes and laundry all the stuff that real life is smattered with. But it was still a gift because we were together. And that's a gift that I don't want to take for granted. We're not alone. We're a family and we're together.

Fleeting and Beautiful

2011-06-30T19:35:00.000-05:00

They are so little. She’s four-and-a-half, full of wonder and awe and ready to explore and pretend and create fun wherever she goes. He’s three-and-a-half, all boy but with a twist of tender, ready to play cars and ball and learn how to surf...even in Wisconsin. Little lady is nineteen months; she’s bursting with energy and laughter and brightness and mischief, loving the sand and the water (especially drinking it).

Three small sweet people. Three little souls entrusted to our care for a short time. I want to savor each moment with them on this trip. Last year, I was so sick that life, in general was just a blur. Last year, Addie Beth wasn’t even crawling yet & our schedule worked around her naps and feedings. Owen was just getting potty trained. Tali still took naps. They’ve grown so much and something about being with them on vacation just makes me more aware than usual of all the growing that’s happened.

What is it about sensing the passing of time that just makes a mother’s heart ache? I’m swallowing hard as I write, remembering years past in this place and knowing those moments can’t be repeated. That’s it, I think; it’s that these days are so unforgiving, so relentless like a sunset that, no matter how hard you try to slow it, just keeps slipping away into the night. That’s how the days fly by as a mama of three small children-beauty to be savored that just keeps on slipping by.

So it might only be Sunday, just barely the beginning of this vacation, but I’m gonna get all sentimental even now at the start in hopes that I can magically freeze time, or at least freeze it with my lens. Today, I will live up these moments that He’s amazingly given AWAKE and AWARE that they are gifts to praise Him for.

One of My Favorite Verses

2011-06-20T10:34:00.000-05:00

But I trust in You, O LORD; I say, "You are my God."

My times are in Your hand...

Praying this verse for our family today and so grateful to know that it really is true. God holds each of our days in His hands, guiding them with His steadfast love.

Sweet Stories from our Garage Sale

2011-06-14T16:08:00.000-05:00

As I think back on the garage sale last Saturday, my mind doesn't first go to the money (though I'm so grateful for God's provision) or to the work (though I'm still really tired!). My thoughts go first to faces and conversations that I had with strangers, conversations that I will never forget.

One woman shared with me a bit of her adoption journey; several failed IVFs, multiple miscarriages, and one foster care license later, she and her husband pursued adoption. They came into contact with an older boy that was from another country, had been adopted by a U.S. family, and then was put into the foster care system because his adoptive family decided they couldn't handle him. This woman and her husband brought the son into their home to foster, then chose to adopt him despite numerous challenges. After that, 2 more sweet kids from the foster care system came to live with them and they are in the processes of adopting them as well. I watched this woman, little children lovingly pulling and jumping and crawling all over her, look over her shoulder at me and say, "You can't love your stuff and your kids, too!" Compelling.

Another woman that had adopted transracially through a domestic adoption stopped by with her beautiful son who obviously adored his mommy. She left me her info and invited me to a monthly hang-out time at her house for adoptive families.

An adorable little girl and her mama came by. The little girl had been adopted domestically (from Aurora) and had been united with her family since the very day that she was born. When I asked her mom what advice she could pass along to me at these beginning stages she smiled and said, "Patience. It takes a lot of patience to go through this process." Then she looked at her daughter, beaming, and said, "But it's worth it."

Later in the day, a 15 year-old girl waited to talk with me while others made their purchases. She shyly and quietly shared a piece of her heart. "I saw your signs and had to come. My mom adopted me from Hungary when I was just a baby. My life has never been the same. I've always thought it takes some really special people to adopt. I've never had to wonder if my mom loves me; I know she does because she went through so much to get me! I just wanted to tell you that..." Tears still come to my eyes as I remember her smile. How different might her life have been if she had not been adopted?

Talking about adoption, saving money, having a garage sale-all of it seems so surreal sometimes. Will we really ever bring these children home? The obstacles can seem so huge at times. But then I think about the people I met on Saturday. I'm reminded that there are REAL children with REAL names that don't have a mom or a dad. Real lives that do not know Jesus and don't have anyone to tell them. Real children without any hope. Someday, by God's power and grace, 2 of those will be ours forever and they will never be orphans again.

Amazingly Blessed: God's Generosity

2011-06-11T22:27:00.000-05:00

God faithfully blessed our garage sale today!

He kept the rain away, brought people to our sale despite the gloomy weather, and gave us awesome success!! We're so grateful for all of the help, prayers, and support of so many of you. Are you curious about what kind of $ we ended up with?

Ya ready for this? We made around $1100 from the sale and then were stunned by the incredible generosity of friends that brought our grand total for the day to...$3027. Is that amazing, or what?! We are marveling at God's provision for us. He is so faithful. He is so worthy of praise! I cannot get over the fact that God loves our little ones so much that He will use whatever means He wants to bring them home to us. (Even a garage sale.) What a relentless love!

This day would not have been possible without you! Thank you so much for donating your stuff, making posters, lending tables, helping price & sort, baking, helping me during the sale, coming out to shop, tearing stuff down, and most of all, for loving us and praying for this day. We have tangibly felt your love and support for us. How can we thank you enough? Words can't express our gratitude.

Garage Sale Details!

2011-06-04T16:26:00.001-05:00

Our adoption fundraiser garage sale is next Saturday from 8am-4pm! We're so excited to see how the Lord's going to use this to help us in our adoption. Here are the details for when to drop off your stuff, opportunities to help, some insider info on what's being sold, etc:

Drop Off Times:

(Come over and drop off your donated items at any of the following times; no need to call first.)

Monday 2pm-7pm

Tuesday 2pm-5pm

Wednesday 8am-12 or 2-8pm

Thursday 8am-5pm

Garage Sale Help Schedule:

(This is the tentative schedule for the day, but I would love to have more help! Ideally, it would be great to have 2-3 people during each spot to help by sitting at the bake-sale table, straightening up the clothing tables, and whatever else comes up. If you're interested in helping with one of the time-slots below, just leave me a comment in this post telling me what slot you want!)

Set-up at 6am: Hubby, Aaron, Heather, Hanna, Andrea, Jodi

9:00-11:30: Aleece, Hanna

11:30-2:00: Poel girls

2:00-4:00: Kim

4:00-4:30 Takedown Crew: Dad, Pronovost boys

Wanna' come shop? Here's some of what we will be selling:

Furniture (including a toddler bed, table, dresser, changing table and Eddie Bauer bassinet), tons of clotheing sizes newborn-5T, adult clothing, kids/adult shoes, toys, children's books, infant swing, tricycles, electronics, kitchen items, decor, etc. Everything is in excellent condition. Come do some shopping and help us bring our little one(s) home!!!

Responsibility and Surrender in Parenting

2011-05-23T22:41:00.000-05:00

Of all the things I want for my children, nothing compares to this desire: that they trust in Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of their sins. I want my kids to experience the greatest joy and happiness imaginable for all eternity and that's only found in Jesus. It is such a delicate balance to intentionally strive with all that I am to make Him know to them, yet recognize that all of my efforts WILL NOT save them. Ultimately only God can stir their hearts to believe. It's something I wrestle through on a daily basis-this balance between responsibility and surrender. Tonight, I was encouraged through an illuminating reminder from Gospel-Powered Parenting by William Farley. (Side note: I just started reading this book and wow-I love this one. I mean, I.LOVE.IT. Really. I LOVE this book and the message it's sharing. It is so worth buying.)

"God is sovereign, but parents are responsible. God's sovereignty is our hope. Parents are utterly dependent on God. He can save any child, no matter how dark the circumstances. On the other hand, God normally reaches children through their parents. It is fatal to presume upon God's sovereignty by neglecting parental faithfulness. Yet it is also a mistake to assume that it all depends on us. It doesn't. In fact, none of your efforts will prevail unless God bestows the gift of faith on your children. We are utterly dependent and responsible at the same time." pg.22

Cinco de Mayo

2011-05-21T22:36:00.001-05:00

Ok, so Cinco de Mayo wasn't exactly yesterday. But the days fly by and since I have trouble remembering my children's names, chances are that there's no way I'll remember our little moments together unless I put them up. Rockin' out to the fiesta music, munching on yummy tacos, making our very own pinata (and yes, I know that word needs a little squiggly thingy on top of the "n" but I have no idea how to do it and I don't really care either), and my personal favorite memory of the evening-Addie Beth finding out how awesome a good old fashioned sucker can be. She kept saying, "Mmm! Mmm! Num-mee! Mmm!" Priceless!

What's More Real Than Laundry

2011-05-20T07:55:00.000-05:00

It is embarrassingly easy to forget all that God has done for us-to forget all of His benefits. The simple things like a sink full of dishes and a bedroom full of dirty laundry can seem so much more real than all the good that God has done for me. I love to go back to these words from Psalm 103 again and again and again to help me remember:

"Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."

"He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him."

Hope for Moms (like me) Who Fail

2011-05-18T22:12:00.000-05:00

I love this little section from a post I saw that was written for The Gospel Coalition Blog:

"And mom who fails her children regularly (because that’s everyone else), preach the gospel to yourself this day. If you have any grasp on your reality, you are likely painfully aware of every failure you’ve made with your children. And maybe you are fatigued by the fears of future failure as well. It’s okay that your children expose your own sin. In fact, it’s the mom who doesn’t seem daily aware of her failures that most concerns me. Christ has made the way for you to be at peace. If you sinned against your kids, ask their forgiveness. If you are kicking yourself for your failures, preach God’s grace to yourself. Don’t learn to live with your sin—don’t embrace it with the attitude “that’s just how I am.” But don’t deny it either. Be honest about it. You sinned. You confess. God forgives. You get up and walk forward in confidence. It’s called gospel grace, and THAT is the legacy to leave your children."

Truth for Today

2011-05-17T08:25:00.000-05:00

I'm waking up today aware that apart from His grace, I am just so quick to discouragement. I'm seeking to cling to these things today:

From Spurgeon's Morning & Evening:

"Long ere time began or space was created God had written upon His heart the names of His elect people, had predestinated them to be conformed unto the image of His Son, and ordained them heirs of all the fulness of His love, His grace, and His glory. What comfort is here! Has the Lord loved us so long, and will He yet cast us away? He knew how stiffnecked we should be, He understood that our hearts were evil, and yet He made the choice."

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ-by grace you have been saved." Ephesians 2:4,5

Could there be any better reason to rejoice today?

3 Gifts Unmeasured

2011-05-15T22:08:00.000-05:00

Oh, how we love these little people! What a blessing it is to be their mama...even on days like today when I know that I have been more irritated than grateful, more exasperated than kind. Lord, help me see them as the gift that they are when I wake up tomorrow (or in the middle of the night).

Adoption Update: Waiting to Apply

2011-05-10T16:39:00.001-05:00

Here's my Addie Beth rockin' her new Africa shirt. As usual, her mouth's wide open because Baby Girl's got lots to say! For example, "I wanna' hode-ju-me, Momma!"

I've been feelin' the love from many of you asking recently where we're at in the adoption process. Thanks for asking! Here's a little update:

Have we applied yet? Nope.

Do we have the initial funds (in other words, we have $5000 of the total $35,000) we need to start? Shockingly...YES!!! God has been so kind to bless us through the incredible generosity of friends, family, strangers, Etsy, and photography (plus saving/renters). How can we thank you enough?! Every single time the Lord brings in more money for our adoption fund, I cry. I really see each gift as the Lord Himself looking at me and saying, "This is about Me and I'm in this." After all, people don't normally just dish out money without someone even asking! We've got the first chunk of the funds needed to apply and do a homestudy.

Then why on earth aren't we banging down the doors to start this process officially? Multiple reasons but the primary one is that we don't think that it's God's timing quite yet.

Huh? When we initially began thinking about adoption, our hearts were drawn to Rwanda. But soon after that, Rwanda closed its doors to international adoption to revamp their policies. It seemed like Rwanda was out and we began looking into Ethiopia as our hearts feel particularly drawn to East Africa. But changes started happening with Ethiopia's adoptions, too. We stopped, re-evaluated, and prayed more specifically, "Lord, where?" We asked Him about the U.S., about Cambodia, about Uganda, Ethiopia, pretty much the whole world and didn't feel any definitive answer. But over time we've been more and more stirred towards Rwanda so we're waiting. It's likely that it will re-open over the summer or in the fall, but it's pretty unpredictable. We're waiting for a while to see if they open back up to international adoptions.

(Side Note: I've heard multiple questions about why we're not adopting from the U.S. given the vast amount of orphans here. To answer that really simply: even though our hearts break for the children here without a mommy and daddy, the U.S. is not where we feel that God is leading us to adopt. We want to go where He leads us. We rejoice with those of you God's stirred towards domestic adoption and pray for more people to adopt right here where we live.)

So what are we doing in the meantime? We're loving the kids we've got and praying for the Lord's provision for this adoption! We're planning a massive garage sale and excited to see how God uses that to bring in some more funds.

And if you've read all the way down to this point, here's a little extra fun tidbit: We're praying about bringing home 2 little ones into our family instead of 1. It's our hope that God will give us 2 but we'll see...

Adoption Fundraiser Garage Sale!

2011-05-03T23:01:00.000-05:00

Mark your calendars for Saturday, June 11.

We're having an adoption fundraiser garage sale!

I'm so excited to announce that we're planning a big garage sale on Saturday, June 11 from 8am-4pm to help build our adoption fund. We're thinking HUGE and we'd love your help! I've read of many similar adoption sales bringing in anywhere from $1000-$4000 (isn't that nuts?) so I'm praying that Lord uses this in mighty ways to help us. He is able! Please pray along with me!

What You Can Do

1) Set aside stuff to donate to our sale (clothes, toys, electronics, games, decorations, furniture, etc.). If you're planning to donate clothing, it might be helpful to bag it according to size or at least baby/child/adult. Unfortunately, due to space constraints, we won't be able to take your items until the week of the sale.

2) Consider helping me run this crazy thing. I definitely cannot do this on my own! If you'd like to help by lending a table to place items on, volunteer to assist in pricing things, help me set out the stuff in the wee hours of the morning that Saturday, sign up to help handle the money during part of the sale, or volunteer to help tear down after it's over, please let me know. You can leave me a comment below if you're interested.

3) Pray for beautiful weather and generous buyers!

I'm so excited to be able to join with you to do this. I love that adoption is such a community thing where we can join together to reflect God's heart. I can't wait to see how the Lord uses this to help us gather the resources we need to adopt! Thank you so much for considering.

Fear Not: Part 9

2011-04-27T15:19:00.001-05:00

(If you missed the earlier posts in this series, start with this post and go from there.)

God really does weaken the fears in our hearts as we fight for faith in Him. But you don’t just have to take my word for it, or Isaiah’s or Paul’s or Martin Loyd Jones’ for that matter. Listen to the testimonies of a few other ladies in our church about how fighting for faith in God really does weaken our fears.

Strands Interviews from Sovereign Grace Church Oswego IL on Vimeo.

Fear Not: Part 8

2011-04-15T15:57:00.000-05:00

(If you missed the earlier posts in this series, you can find them here: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7.)

Shortly after we had our first child, Tali, I found myself really overwhelmed by fears about her safety. When she would cry the lies of fear would shout, “Maybe she’s crying because there’s something deathly wrong with her. Maybe she has some sort of incurable disease and won’t make it through the night. If I was a better mom I’d know what’s wrong with her. I should be able to help her and keep her happy!”

The lies were strong but with the help of my husband and friends, I went to God’s Word and searched for truths that would help me fight for faith. I made a simple little sheet with the lies I was thinking and truths about God that combatted them. Tali would start crying, I was sometimes crying too, but I’d grab up my sheet of truths and start praying to God and preaching to myself.

I’d pray from Isaiah 41:10; “Lord, I don’t know why she’s crying and I’m scared. But You promise that You’re with me. I’m scared that something’s really wrong. Father, help me believe that you’re going to help me. Lord, give me wisdom to help her. Please help me, Lord. Help me not to fear right now!”

And then I’d speak to myself. "Ok, I’m not all-knowing but God is. He is sovereign over Tali’s life, and only He can keep her alive; I can’t. I’m not a perfect mom and I never will be. I'll never know how to perfectly help my daughter no matter how hard I try. I’m a sinner saved by grace. But God is perfect and He is able to sustain Tali’s life and to help me."

I’d pray and then I’d talk to myself. And then about 30 seconds later, I’d have to do it all over again. It was a long, hard, exhausting fight. But over time, I began to see peace increasing in my heart and fears when Tali cried stared to weaken. This practice of talking to God and talking to myself when a variety of fears struck, became a common practice for me. The Holy Spirit really used those means to bring about true change in my heart. I became much less characterized by fear and much more characterized by peace in God.

I saw the fruit of this change most clearly over the past year when I faced a pretty scary situation with my health. After Addie Beth was born I just didn’t feel quite right. At first I just chalked it up to post-baby exhaustion. I started having pretty bad digestive issues, awful headaches, and trouble regulating my body temperature. I was so tired that it was hard to even change a diaper and I’d have to sit down and rest after I walked up the stairs. I couldn’t think clearly, everything seemed like too much to handle. I was eating a full sized meal every two hours but dropping weight. I felt overwhelmed, angry, and depressed all at the same time. And then I started having serious heart palpitations, even in the middle of the night.

The fears started screaming, “What if I die? What if I can’t take care of my kids? What if I have an incurable disease?” And then, I ended up in the emergency room with a resting heart-rate of 140. That was a scary situation. I found out that I have a thyroid condition that may plague me for life, yet when I heard that, I was much less afraid than I anticipated. Instead of being consumed with fears like I have been most of my life, there was help for me in that moment and in the weeks to come to trust God. I wasn’t able to pray anything lengthy in those moments, but I kept asking, "Lord help me. I know You’re good. Help me believe it.” I tried to speak the truth to myself, “He’s promised He’ll be with me and help me. Even if I don't see how, He is going to help me.”

I didn’t know what His plan was or what the outcome would be. I didn’t know then and I still don’t know now how this autoimmune disorder with my thyroid will affect every element of my future in this life. But I do know that the outcome is in the hands of the One who promises to uphold me with His righteous right hand. And believing that He is with me is making a difference even as my health continues to go up and down.

I’m not saying it’s been easy-it’s been a fight. The lies of fear continue to whisper or even shout in my ears on a regular basis. But when I hear those lies in my heart, with the Spirit’s powerful help, I’ve been crying out to God. I’ve been speaking the truth about God to myself. And when I’m finding it hard to do those things, I’m going to great books, great family, and great friends and asking them to help me believe what is true. And I’m finding that overall, I’m experiencing a lot of peace in what really is a frightening situation.

You heard a bit of my story so you and I both know that for me to not fear something genuinely frighting is a huge change! God really does weaken the fears in our hearts as we fight for faith in Him.

(2 more posts to come!)

Fear Not: Part 7

2011-04-12T20:38:00.000-05:00

(If you missed the earlier posts in this series, here they are: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6.)

I want to just be really honest here and say that this idea of actually needing to fight for faith has been the crucial point of challenge for me. I don't want to have to work at this. I want everything in life to be easy-lasting peace included. I want to just slap a scripture on it and repeat, “Fear not, fear not” a couple times and feel all better. But that’s not how trust in God usually grows.

If you want to strengthen your muscles, you don’t expect that just sitting at home on your couch is going to do anything to help you get toned. And we rarely grow in trusting God by merely doing nothing either. There is a war going on in our hearts - the war for faith in God. Wars aren’t won in a day and we won’t win the war against fear in a day either. There’s battle after battle after exhausting and challenging battle before victory comes. The question is whether we’re going to choose to pick up our weapons and fight for faith or merely be trampled by our fears.

So how about you? Are you using the weapons of prayer and the weapon of reminding yourself of what God’s Word says is true about Him? Are you doing that even when your feelings and circumstances are screaming otherwise? Or are you just passively listening to what your fears and circumstances seem to be saying?

I’d like to share a little bit about how fighting fears with faith in God has made a difference in my life. I share this not to make you think highly of me (I could never have brought about this change on my own). I share this to give you hope. I’ve never met a person more consumed with fears than I was and I have seen that God really can transform fearful hearts like mine. It really is possible for you and for me to grow with the help of the Holy Spirit.

First, let me share some things that I’ve tried to do over the years to weaken fears and anxieties. I’ve tried to ignore it (you know-try just not to think about it and hope it goes away). That didn’t work. I tried to convince it away (you know-tell myself that the statistics were incredibly unlikely that I would get kidnapped while going to the mailbox). That didn’t help. I tried to educate my fears away (you know-scour the Internet for every possible way to eliminate anxiety attacks). That didn’t work either. In fact, going to the Internet to help me weaken fear has only brought on more fears. I’ve tried to barter with God; “Lord, don’t you think I deserve some peace? I’m trying to follow You!” That didn’t bring me lasting peace either. So what did help me not to fear what is frightening? Honestly it’s been the two things that Philippians 4 mentions: prayer and talking to myself.

I started really engaging in this war against fear when I came to our church. The Lord kindly introduced me to a book by Ed Welch that my friend, Jodi gave me. It was on the “fear of man.” Through this book and some other excellent resources, God started to show me that my fears were not happening just because I’m naturally introverted or because of my family background or because this is just how I’ve always been. I started seeing that fear had to do with my heart and what I was really believing about God. I started to see that through the help of the Holy Spirit teaching me to fight for faith, lasting peace was really possible.

I began to re-read passages in scripture about anxiety and started asking God to help me see how trustworthy He really is. Instead of just reading the same scriptures over and over hoping that just reading them would change me, I started praying through scripture and thinking about it. I began talking to myself and reminding myself of who God is. Over time, this started to become a way of life for me.

Fear Not: Part 6

2011-04-07T17:15:00.000-05:00

(If you missed the earlier posts in this series, here they are: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5.)

We weaken fears with faith by talking to God and we weaken fears with faith by talking to ourselves, in other words, by thinking about what is true. “Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, worthy of praise-think about that. Practice that and the God of peace will be with you.” Do you see what the Apostle Paul getting at here? We weaken fears and anxieties by thinking, or talking to ourselves about what’s true.

This kind of thinking is not some sort of power of positive thinking. This isn’t just trying to make yourself feel better by repeating, “Don’t fear! Don’t fear! Don’t Fear!” This kind of thinking is a way of fighting for faith in who God really is.

But what if we do try to think about truth and we find that it’s just not doing anything for us-that it’s making no difference? You know, “I’ve tried. It didn’t work.” Ever been there? When fears and anxieties threaten to overwhelm us, it can be really hard to believe the truth. When we feel like the truth about who God is really isn’t helping us, that should be like a warning light. “Alert! Alert! Something’s not right. Check your heart!” If we’re not believing that God is who He says He is, we’re doubting Him.

Ladies, I just want to pause for a second and say again that some of the situations you’re facing right now are really absolutely frightening, more than I can understand. When fears and anxieties seem to be closing in all around us, believing that God really is our loving Father who will strengthen us and help us does not come naturally. If you’re having a hard time believing the truth about God in the midst of your scary circumstance, that’s not surprising. That’s especially true because our fears lie. I’ve seen this over and over again in my own life; fears lie and their lies seem so believable when I’m afraid.

We’ll talk about this more specifically in a little bit, but right now, I just want to encourage you-this is why we desperately need the Holy Spirit’s help; we are so quick to doubt God. We need to go to Him, just like Paul exhorted us to in Philippians 4. We need to cry out to Him to help us believe. “I do believe, Lord help my unbelief!” It may also be helpful to include others, asking them to remind us of what’s true about our loving father that is with us. And it’s also really important not to just read scripture, but to preach it to ourselves and to keep preaching it to ourselves rather than listening to the lies that whisper and sometimes SHOUT in our hearts.

Martin Loyd Jones, a Welsh preacher that lived in the first part of the 20th century explained it this way:

“The main trouble in this whole matter...in a sense is this, that we allow our self to talk to us instead of talking to our self. Am I just trying to be deliberately paradoxical? Far from it. This is the very essence of wisdom in this matter. Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself?”

“You have to take yourself in hand, you have to address yourself, preach to yourself, question yourself...you must go on to remind yourself of God, Who God is, and what God is and what God has done, and what God has pledged Himself to do.”

We’re constantly talking to ourselves. Thoughts go through our head all day long. But are we talking to ourselves about what is actually true? In the midst of being afraid, it’s not easy to believe what is true about God and to think about those things-that's why it's called a fight. It really is a fight for faith.

Fear Not: Part 5

2011-04-04T15:58:00.000-05:00

(If you missed the earlier posts in this series, click here for Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4.)

What does it really mean to weaken fear by fighting for faith in God? Let’s look together for a minute at some familiar verses, found in Philippians 4:

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.”

These verses mention two main ways we can weaken fear by fighting for faith in God: first, by talking to Him-in other words, by praying and crying out to Him. And secondly, we fight for faith in God by talking to ourselves (essentially, by thinking about what is true).

The beginning of these verses pretty plainly say, “Don’t be anxious-don’t fear. Instead-pray let your requests be made know to God." And then, here’s what happens: the peace of God will guard your heart and mind. We fight fear with faith by praying to God-pouring our hearts out to Him and asking for His help.

So for example, when we face a really frightening situation like when we’re uncertain about the state of our finances, we can fight our fears by going to God. “Lord, this is really scary. I have no idea how You’re going to provide but I know that you’ve promised to meet our needs. You provide for the birds! Please help me believe that you’ll provide for us, and please do provide. I know that You’re with me even though I don’t feel like it. Lord, please help me to trust you!” We weaken fear by fighting for faith in God through talking to Him. Who else could we possibly talk to that can help us more than God himself?

Fear Not: Part 4

2011-03-31T21:28:00.000-05:00

(This continues the series where I'm posting the message that I recently shared with the women of our church. If you missed the beginning, check out Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.)
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There’s an analogy here that’s helped me think about how trusting in who God really is can shape my fears. Imagine that you’re on a walk with your brother who just happens to be a heavyweight boxer. He’s got muscles popping out everywhere. He’s won every boxing fight that he’s ever faced. The dude can seriously fight.

Now, let’s say you’re on a walk with your brother and a man suddenly approaches you and yells, “Hand over your purse!”

In that moment, you’re in a really scary situation. But are you afraid?

Well sure, your heart’s probably still beating wildly but you’re certainly not as terrified as you would be if you were alone. You’re probably thinking, “This guy doesn’t even know what he just got himself into!” You’re not fearing because you know who’s with you. You know that your brother can take this would-be thief out in an instant and flatten him like a pancake! Not only does your brother love you, he wants to help you and he’s got the power to back you up. It’s not a perfect illustration, but it’s helpful for me.

Our loving Father-God, is stronger than any boxer in the world. And this powerful, loving God, this is the one who promises that He’ll be with us to strengthen, help, and uphold us.

Listen to what Charles Spurgeon tells us about the certainty that God really will help us:

“It is but a small thing for me, your God, to help you. Consider what I have done already. What! not help you? Why, I bought you with my blood. What! not help you? I have died for you; and if I have done the greater, will I not do the less? Help you! It is the least thing I will ever do for you; I have done more, and I will do more. I laid aside my glory and became a man for you; I gave up my life for you; and if I did all this, I will surely help you now.”

The cross has demonstrated once and for all that God really is for us. Our God has promised to be with us and to help us. So Isaiah 41:10 shows us that the fight to weaken fear is a fight for believing the truth about who God is; it’s a fight for faith in God. The fight for peace is a fight for faith.

But what does it really mean to weaken fear by fighting for faith in God?

Fear Not: Part 3

2011-03-27T21:11:00.000-05:00

(This continues the series where I'm posting the message that I recently shared with the women of our church. If you missed the beginning, you can read Part 1 and Part 2.)
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The reason that we’re called not to fear isn’t because scary things don’t happen (they do!) or because we can handle them on our own (we can’t). The Israelites really were facing a very frightening situation that they simply could not handle on their own. The reason that they were called not to fear, the reason we’re called not to fear is because of the truth of who God is. This is how God wants us to weaken the influence of fear: by fighting for faith in Him.

God tells us, “Fear not for/or because: I AM WITH YOU." Why are we called not to fear? Because God is with us. He’ll never leave us; this isn’t just a nice idea or an isolated verse in scripture. This promise is repeated over and over and over again in God’s Word. Just one of many other places where this is said is Hebrews13:5, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” He’s with us!

God tells us, “Be not dismayed for/or because, I am your God.” Why are we called not to fear? Because He is our God-ours! He’s not a distant stranger; if we have put our hope in Christ for the forgiveness of our sins, we have a relationship with God as our loving Father. We’re His children! He really cares about us because we’re His. He promises this over and over again in His Word. For example, Isaiah 43:1 says, “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.”

God tells us, “I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Why are we called not to fear? Because He promises to strengthen us! He promises to help us. He promises to uphold us with His righteous right hand.

Think of the Israelites again. They were in the desert for 40 years; a really frightening situation. They were utterly dependent on God to provide even the very food that they ate. And what did He do? He gave them a new food that they’d never even heard of; He gave them manna. He came through for them with just enough food for each and every day so that they wouldn’t starve. God really did strengthen, help and uphold them even while their scary situation continued for decades and decades. And this same God promises to strengthen, help, and uphold us.

This is who God is. He’s our loving father that’s with us. No matter what happens, He will strengthen us and help us and uphold us. If we’re really believing this, shouldn’t it make a difference when we face things that are scary?

(Check back tomorrow for Part 4.)

Fear Not: Part 2

2011-03-25T21:34:00.000-05:00

(This post is part of a series where I'm posting a message that I recently shared with the ladies of our church. To read Part 1, go here.)

Over the years, I’ve come to accept that I’m not an expert in many things. I've had to accept that for whatever reason, apart from the Lord’s help, I am just very very prone to fear what is frightening.

Whether you’re a fear “expert” like me, or more casually aware of an occasional anxiety, we all are acquainted with fears. In the midst of our fears and worries, something deep down within us wants to know...is it really possible to have lasting peace? If it is possible, how?

We’re going to spend some time in God’s word this morning to see what He says about how we can weaken the influence of fear in our lives. Let’s turn together in our Bibles to Isaiah 41. One passage that’s been especially helpful to me over the years in my own struggle against fear is found in this chapter.

Isaiah is writing to the people of the southern kingdom of Israel. In the early parts of Isaiah, God forecasts that the people are going to experience His judgment. They’ll experience His judgment by losing everything they’ve held dear and taken refuge in in this world. They’ll even lose their land and their homes. Pretty scary situation, right? But then later in the book of Isaiah, God begins speaking words of reassurance to His people, even as they face the prospect of a terrifying situation, of losing everything that’s mattered to them. Follow along with me in Isaiah 41:10 to hear the Lord loving speak to His fearful children:

God tells us, “Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

This call from God not to fear isn’t a judicial order; God wasn’t barking out an uncaring or exasperated command like, “FEAR NOT! “ That’s not the heart behind God’s words. These words are being spoken from the mouth of a loving Father that really cares about His fearful children.

Imagine holding your child that you deeply love in your arms-your child that’s crying and scared, afraid of the dark and looking to you for comfort. You want to help this little one; you don’t want this child that you love to fear so you tenderly and patiently say, “Don’t be afraid.” That’s how God is lovingly speaking these words to the Israelities-the same nation that’s well known for years before having wandered in the desert for 40 years, a nation that grumbled against God and forgot Him, a nation that doubted again and again that He’d provide. God is lovingly speaking these words to the Israelites as a loving Father and He’s speaking them to us as well.

Do you see that when He says, “Fear not,” He’s saying it with love? God is not merely a distant judge, He’s a loving Father. Before we even cared anything about Him, He decided-He chose to make us His children. He adopted us into His family. “In love He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of His will.” (Eph.1:4-5) He is our loving father.

So we can see in Isaiah 41:10 that God lovingly calls us not to fear. But there’s something else we need to see; we need to see the reason why He calls us not to fear.

Fear Not: Part 1

2011-03-24T20:57:00.000-05:00

Recently, I had the joy of sharing at a women's meeting for our church. The topic was something that each of us, men and women alike, are all too familiar with: fear. I thought I'd go ahead and post the message in bite sized chunks for those who weren't able to make it.

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Part 1
I’d like to start by telling you a story about a woman in this church. You may or may not know her. It’s safe to say that we could probably characterize this woman as an “expert in fear.” I’ve gotten her permission to share with you a bit of her story.

Fear and anxiety had a grip on this woman even as a little girl. Even in elementary school and junior high she was so characterized by fear that she suffered from debilitating stomach aches. She was so frightened about being alone that she begged her mom to sleep in her room each night. She was so scared of talking with someone on the phone that she’d break out in a sweat whenever the phone rang. Because she was so afraid of being seen as dumb, she rarely raised her hand to answer any questions in school even when she knew the answer. She was so terrified of being kidnapped that she outright refused to go outside alone, even to the mailbox.

In high school, anxieties continued, even as her faith began to grow. She was so frightened by the thought of getting into an accident that her parents literally had to make her get her driver’s license. She feared falling short of the expectations of teachers, parents, and friends so much that she was perfectionistic in everything that she did. She feared having nightmares to the extent that she dreaded going to bed at night.

These fears also ran deep in her relationship with God. Because she was absolutely terrified of confessing any sin or really anything personal at all, she would feel sick even at the thought of giving a prayer request in youth group. She was absolutely terrified of committing the unpardonable sin (even though she didn’t know what it was), worried that she would unknowingly commit it and be banished to hell forever. Even though she was a Christian, she feared that maybe God wasn’t really who she thought He was-feared that maybe He wasn’t even real; this kept her up at night and she could hardly think of anything else.

The fears continued as she went away to college. She was so anxious about the number of people in her lecture hall once that she had an anxiety attack, she broke out in hives and had to leave the room. She feared falling into the same sins of drunkeness, sexual immorality, and worldliness that friends participated in so much that she felt panicky, even just being around them. Because she was afraid that she might never get married, she struggled constantly with jealousy towards engaged and married friends around her.

And you can imagine how she has continued to struggle with fear once she did meet her husband and navigated learning to be a wife, not to mention getting pregnant and becoming a new mom.

This woman knew fear very well, didn’t she? Fear was something she dealt with on a daily basis for years and years -it nearly overwhelmed her at points and even had physical consequences.

And I can verify that her fears about frightening things have absolutely consumed her at times. I can verify that because this woman is me.

Muh-kee! Muh-kee! (I'm not talkin' about a furry animal.)

2011-03-12T21:24:00.000-06:00

Baby girl loves her milk (muh-kee-muh-kee). I've never seen anything like it. When she wakes up she immediately starts calling, "Muh-kee! Muh-kee! Uh ah you, muh-kee?" It cracks me up every single time.

She literally shakes when she sees her cup comin'. Forget the snacks. Forget dinner. This child wants her muh-kee. So weird, and so completely Addie. She's a passionate little girl!

Teeth and Tears

2011-03-05T16:25:00.001-06:00

My sweet, brave girl just had her first ever dentist appointment. Oh my, was she excited! The night before her appointment when I put her to bed she said, "Mommy, I think I'm just gonna lay there all night and think about what kind of toothpaste I'll choose. Maybe I'll choose watermelon, or maybe cinnamon, or maybe grape. I just don't know."

When the big day came, I wondered if my sometimes-timid girl would really be ok. Would she cry? Would she cling to me and refuse to open her mouth? Would she decide she didn't really want to sit in the big chair? To be honest, I was a little bit nervous for her.

When the super sweet dental hygienist asked Tali if she was ready there was a short silence. "Please Lord, help her be brave," I silently prayed. After a moment of deliberation, she flashed a big grin and hopped up into the chair. I could not believe how absolutely strong and confident and happy she was. My four year old. My baby! The entire experience was priceless. Can't you just see how proud she felt?

Needless to say, I cried a bit as we drove home, amazed that my once teeny little 7pound 13 ounce baby had just courageously defeated her first dental exam.

She really is getting so old-so big and mature and...dare I say, little girlish. I miss "baby Tali" but I am absolutely amazed by "big girl Tali." I've never met a sweeter person, young or old, than this little girl.

Part 6: How well do you know your pastors?

2011-03-04T20:31:00.000-06:00

I decided that after leaving you hanging for approximately 2 weeks, I might as well go ahead and post the answer. As if you didn't already know who it is.

Question #6: Which pastor was recently told by a barista at Starbucks, "You could totally open your own coffee shop if pastoring doesn't work out."

Answer: My coffee lovin' husband. :) By the way, Josh says it's a little concerning that everyone was so sure that he was the answer to this question. Um, yeah. I agree.

Thanks for playing, friends! I had so much fun hearing all of your answers that I think I'll bring this little game back again at some point.

Part 5: How well do you know your pastors?

2011-02-24T21:07:00.000-06:00

Question #5: Which pastor's wife thought, "He's too preppy for me," when she first met her future husband?

Answer: Mrs. Angie Maxim!

Yep. Believe it or not, Jamie used to TUCK IN his shirt...EVERY single day. TUCK IN, my friends. Even his t-shirts. Wow. What more can we say about that?

And Jessy, you are so right. When I first met Josh, I had a lot to say about him but none of it was about his clothes. :) Everything about him was wonderful and perfect and exactly what I had been waiting for. I loved his style then and I love it now! (Although, I really liked his sweater vests and I miss those. It gave him sort of a "professorish" look.)

Question #6: Which pastor was recently told by a barista at Starbucks, "You could totally open your own coffee shop if pastoring doesn't work out."

(Let me hear your guess and a little about why you chose who you did!)

Part 4: How well do you know your pastors?

2011-02-23T21:59:00.002-06:00

Question #4: Can you recognize your pastor by his shoes? (post your answers from top shoe to bottom shoe)

Answer: Tab, Jamie, Josh! ("WorkBoot Pastor" was pretty obvious but it was fun to hear your guesses for the other two!)

Here's the next question. Post your answers below!

Question #5: Which pastor's wife thought, "He's too preppy for me," when she first met her future husband?

Part 3: How well do you know your pastors?

2011-02-21T21:35:00.000-06:00

Question #3: Which pastor or pastor's wife was gazing admiringly at a snow drift when a stranger briskly asked, "What are you?? From California or something?"

Answer: This Iowa native, of course! Sorry everyone, it's not my husband. He tries to avoid snowdrifts and pretends they aren't there. I, on the other hand, LOVE snow and can't not gaze at it. :)

Now, I know you're gonna love this next question!

Question #4: Can you recognize your pastor by his shoes? (post your answers from top shoe to bottom shoe)

Part 2: How well do you know your pastors?

2011-02-20T20:38:00.000-06:00

Question #2: Which pastor's wife once asked her husband, "Honey, is it ok if I make fun of you?" before proceeding to slam him?

Answer: Sung (That was an easy one, right? You all know that I'm far too bratty to ASK before slamming my husband. And Angie is definitely sweet but there's no one quite like our beloved Sung.)

Question #3: Which pastor or pastor's wife was gazing admiringly at a snow drift when a stranger briskly asked, "What are you?? From California or something?"

How well do you know your pastors?

2011-02-19T19:59:00.000-06:00

I hear funny things sometimes about what people perceive that pastors (and their wives for that matter) are really like. For example, once I shared with some ladies about how I had gotten angry with my kids and wanted prayer. One woman said, "Oh wow! I always thought that a pastor's wife didn't struggle with sin." I almost fell on the floor in shock. Wouldn't that just be awesome? Women everywhere would be knocking down seminary doors begging men to marry them. (Isn't that a funny picture to think about?! It makes me laugh just to imagine it.)

Then there are those who think that my husband only listens to classical hymns...because he's a pastor of course. Or that we are perfect parents and our kids never disobey...because my husband is a pastor of course. Let me burst the "pastor and pastor's wife as unhuman" bubble wide open. We are just people like everyone else. :) Those of you who have gotten to know us even a little bit are all too familiar with how human we really are. There's nothing close to perfection going on here. If anything, we're probably just a lot more weird than you think. Weird? Yes. Perfect? No.

So over the next couple days I'll be testing your knowledge. How well do you really know your sgc pastors and their wives? Are we really who you think we are?

Question One: Which pastor can consume unreal quantities of food at Sweet Tomatoes?

Answer: If you guessed Jamie, you're right. 15 plates to be exact during this meal. This apparently is nothing unusual for Jamie when he eats here. Don't ya love how Angie just looks on and smiles?

Question #2: Which pastor's wife once asked her husband, "Honey, is it ok if I make fun of you?" before proceeding to slam him?

Answer to be revealed tomorrow!

How can we afford to adopt?

2011-02-11T20:32:00.002-06:00

Adoption is expensive-really, really, really expensive when you look at it as a huge sum of money. We don’t currently have the $30,000-$35,000 in our pockets that it will take to bring our sweet baby home. At least once a month I hear from someone who tells me they’ve thought about adopting but simply could never afford it. Let me just get it out there from the beginning: adoption is crazy expensive. That is a sad but real truth.

We do not have the resources to give a child a family. We’re not pursuing this because we have tons of money saved up or because we have a large income according to American standards. In fact, we don’t have all the money it will take to make an orphan our son or daughter. We don’t have the resources, but God does.

“The silver is mine, and the gold is mine, declares the Lord of hosts.” Hagai 2:8

We don’t have all of the money right now, but any money that we do have doesn’t really belong to us anyway. All of it is His. One night early on in the “praying about maybe adopting” season, I woke up and had a couple of clear impressions from the Lord. The first was that I felt Him whisper to my heart, “I will give.” Not long after, I had this picture come to mind of a huge burlap bag up in the sky filled with coins that was getting poured out over our heads. All of the money belongs to the Lord! All impressions aside, His Word confirms this truth.

We don’t have any confidence in our ability to save enough or raise enough money to make this adoption happen. Our confidence is in the God who owns all the gold and silver and can do with it as He pleases. If He’s called us to adopt, we can rest knowing that He will somehow provide the funds. If He is calling you to adopt, you can rest assured that He will provide for you, too!

Becoming a Part of His Family

2011-01-08T16:37:00.002-06:00

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to have been adopted by God, to have been brought into His family and made His child. What does it really mean? I was adopted by God. He made me His daughter. Without Jesus, I could not know God as my Father. Trying to wrap my brain around this miracle...

Today dear friends boarded a plane to go pick up their little girl for the first time. She has no idea what's about to happen-that her entire life as she's known it is about to change. She didn't ask them to come and give her a family. She might not even know that she needs one. She doesn't know what it's like to be loved by someone who will never leave her. She has nothing to compel them to make her their child; no guarantee of her devoted love, no promise that she will only cause them joy and no pain, certainly no money to help them with the expenses. She is an orphan but soon she will be a daughter. She could never have made this happen on her own.

If you're a Christian, this was your state. We were without hope and were children of wrath according to Ephesians 2:

"And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived...and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind." (vs.1,2, 3b)

We were orphans with no hope of having a loving Father because we were separated from Him by our sin. Like the little girl that my friends are flying to pick up and bring into their family, we were without hope. But:

"In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will..." (Ephesians 1:5)

There is nothing in me that could have compelled Him to come and bring me to Him, nothing that I could have given to make Him want me as His daughter. The Holy God-the creator of all things, chose me as His daughter! In love He decided to adopt me through Jesus. Now I am forever His child! Is there anything more wonderful than this?

You will not regret listening to this message by Rick Gamache about our adoption through Christ. May it leave you freshly amazed at God's love for us!

Naming this New Year

2011-01-06T21:48:00.001-06:00

There is no way to slow it-this passing of time. It billows over us knocking us over, taking us below where suddenly we can't even breathe and all we feel is the urgency to try and come up for air. The days are flashing by and my kids are another year older and I am almost 30 (!) and suddenly it's 2011. "Stop!" I want to yell. "Stop going by so quickly!" But time won't slow because this is how God's ordained it and who am I to question Him?

In the frenzy of each day I compartmentalize so much, rushing from task to task and forgetting God. I pray and praise Him for the gift of my kids; five minutes later harsh words fly from my tongue because I'm annoyed that they've "interrupted" me. I read God's Word and then a couple moments later, I'm completely lost in myself and all that I need to do, forgetting all that He's already done. Time rushes past and it's bedtime again and I don't want to keep segmenting my day! I want this year to be spent continually aware of my Savior.

Ann Voskamp over at the breathtakingly beautiful blog, Holy Experience, posted recently on her practice of choosing a name for each year:

"Not like a Chinese New Year with its zodiac and twelve original animals, but as we name our newborn, so we name our new year, christen it so it knows who it is to us. Named, we now have a destination, a way across the next twelve months."

I've thought about this. I've prayed about this. I've asked others for their thoughts. And God has whispered to my heart the name for my new year: Abide.

The Greek word for "abide" is "meno." It means to remain, to dwell, to tarry (not to depart), or to continue to be present. The BDAG lexicon (apparently the "best of the best" according to my hubby) says the term, "is a favorite of John to denote an inward, enduring personal communion." I read those words and I feel like my soul literally sighs. Yes! This is what I want. This is what I need; I want to abide in Him this year.

"Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." (John 15:4-5 ESV)

Jesus, help me this year to truly abide in You.

Christmas

2010-12-25T23:12:00.001-06:00

It's after 10pm on Christmas night. One baby is fast asleep, one four-year-old is resting soundly and one three-year-old is too excited about spending the night at Grandma and Papa's to close his eyes. The day has been full, just like any day caring for three little ones (even with a husband and parents close at hand). I want to remember today because next year these amazing little people that we've been entrusted with will be another year older and I have no clue what the next year will bring.

Laying in bed this morning attempting to pry my eyes open, our ears were filled with the sounds of a sweet little girl bursting with Christmas cheer. "Hark the herald angels sing, glory to the newborn king! Peace on earth and mercy mild, God and sinners reconciled!" We smiled and shook our heads in wonder that we get to know and love the special little girl singing.

Downstairs we finished our Advent calendar...that is, after we caught up from all of the days we've missed (I think we were on December 19th.) "It's Jesus' birthday!" Owen shouted. "Can I put him up, can I put him up?!"

Stockings filled with little treasures. A baby who could care less about her own treasures-only interested in trying to swipe from her big brother and sister. Excited squeals. Minor squabbles. "Can we open another one?"

The family room window declares the glory of God and I can barely take it in-this beauty, this grace, this abundant life He has given. Jesus, thank you! You have come! You've been born and now I know true life and peace and joy. I am forever Your daughter. My sin, though like crimson, has been made as clean as this breathtaking snow. How can I thank You enough?

The door opens; parents that have loved me before I was born step in and little feet are running, yelling, "Grandma! Papa! Come see what we got!" My baby looks up, eyes full of anticipation and whispers, "Pa-pa! Pa-pa!" scooting as fast as her sweet little self can take her. It is full, this heart of mine, but our stomaches are not and so we start cooking. Christmas breakfast on GG's gingerbread plates; yum.

A couple more gifts (but oh how they wish it would never end) and then we're out the door for a sleepover at Grandma's. It's past nap-time and some tears come but eventually everyone sleeps while we play with sweet photos and soak in the Christmas rest. In the blink of an eye everyone's up and energy levels are high, raising quickly with more sugar and the new toys. Sweet girl's pulling at her ears again, aching with the infection that's not wanting to leave.

We share Christmas dinner and Skype with soon-to-see family and before we know it, the day is done. Another Christmas has come and gone. I'm tired and ready for bed but not ready to leave the wonder of today; I have three incredible children, an amazing husband, wonderful parents, thoughtful gifts. God came to this world as a baby and He grew up to die for me. Today was Christmas. How can I possibly sleep?

Christmas Photo Shoot Attempt

2010-12-23T20:53:00.001-06:00

Merry Christmas Eve Eve from Addie Beth!

Completely Adorable

2010-12-16T20:46:00.000-06:00

This little lady has completely won me over. I just love Addie Beth so much I can hardly stand it! She spends her time signing "banana" over and over, eating bananas over and over, burping her baby dolls, sucking her pointer finger and snuggling her baby, scooting all over the place, and clinging to her Mama. Oh, this girlie is just too sweet!

Mis-tuh Air-won and Mis-suz Heh-thuh

2010-12-11T21:20:00.001-06:00

For the past 4ish months we've been blessed to have some friends living downstairs. Some people may think it's a little nuts but we see at as a work of God. Can I just say that we love having Mr. Aaron and Mrs. Heather (or "Mis-tuh Air-won and Mis-suz Heh-thuh" as Owey calls them) living in our home? God was so clearly involved in leading us to offer our basement to them at just the right time when it would bring Him maximum glory. We love it for lots of reasons.

We love that because they are here, Heather can stay home with her baby. We love that because they are here, our kids get to watch two other people live out a life of faith in Jesus. We love that because they are here, we get to give from what we've been given. We love that because they are here, we get to have friends around to talk with whenever we want. We love that because they are here, we get the opportunity to add to our adoption fund. We love that because they are here, we get to be compelled by their love for the Gospel and those who don't know Jesus. We love them being here for so many more reasons but I would be lying if I didn't say that this is a big one: Baby JuJu!

Now, how could a person not love an adorable little dude like this living downstairs? Could he be any cuter? I think not.

He is pretty much the best baby I've ever seen. For sure a MUCH more chill baby than any of my three. I'm a bit jealous, in fact. Maybe he will rub off a bit on Addie Beth and help her learn to sleep. (Please, Lord!)

Ok, be honest. You wish he lived in your basement, don't you? Well, you can't have him. Sorry.

This is one of my absolute favorites. I don't know how he does it, but he manages to sleep through the horrendous noise of our three loud children. Wish I could say the same for myself!

We love you, Baby JuJu, and we thank God for you and your parents!

God's Care

2010-12-09T16:39:00.000-06:00

We have been so overwhelmed by God's kindness in bringing in orders for our store! Really, each time I see that we've sold something, I feel like it's God Himself handing us the money for this adoption. He's called our family to step out and trust that He will provide and He's doing just that!

He could do it however He wants, but God has chosen to use YOU, dear friends, to help us with getting the word out about "Already Love You." Thank you for being His instruments! I continue to be amazed at each FB msg, blog post, or Twitter that I see about our store. We're getting more purchases each day. You guys are amazing!

Almost every order has been from someone we've never met that was referred to our store by YOU. It's very humbling to think of God caring so much about our baby that is yet to be born, such that He would use a little offering like this store to bring in some start-up funds. It is incredibly humbling to think of God, in love, moving you to spread the word about our store and then moving someone else that we may never have met to stop by and purchase something. Amazing!

And I know that some of you have been praying for this store to be successful. Thank you! He is answering!

p.s.-None of this would be happening without a lot of love and labor from my mom. Can't wait to post more about that to honor her sometime soon!

Winter in the Eyes of my 4 year old

2010-12-02T12:01:00.001-06:00

Don't you sometimes wish you could be 4 again, if only around Christmas? Yesterday morning, my girl was at her sweetest, gushing with joy about Christmas coming soon and about the newly falling snow. "Mommy! Mommy! This is the most snow we EVER had! Oh my goodness! There just keeps being more and more!" Nevermind that there was only a teeny tiny little itty bitty dusting out there-it was big stuff to my daughter.

I love that Tali is a fresh reminder to me every day that God has absolutely filled our lives with things to be grateful for. Sure, it's cold out. Yeah, there's less sunshine. But my guess is that God's a lot more delighted in Tali's response to His beautiful creation than He is at the way we adults tend to grumble about the cold.

Lord, make us more like children...

Already Love You Give-away

2010-11-27T15:18:00.000-06:00

Want to win something cute from our Etsy store? Stop by In Light of the Truth to find out about a great give-way going on right now. Much thanks to my college friend, Sarah, for doing this for us!

And as a side note, I think that Sarah's heart to come alongside us in this is one snapshot into how someone can individually walk out obeying God's command to care for orphans. One way that she is honoring God's command is by helping us along in our journey to adopt! If God hasn't called your family to adopt, that doesn't mean there's nothing you can do to love orphans. I've seen friends follow this command by seeking to become foster-parents. I've seen others of you follow this command by praying for us as we pursue adoption. My friend, Jessy, has been talking Christmas pictures for people and giving all the proceeds to us & another couple who are saving to adopt. Still others are sponsoring a child with Compassion International or giving money to Covenant Mercies or other wonderful Christian organizations. The needs and opportunities are endless!

If the Lord's stirring your heart to adopt a child, by all means-obey! But if He's not, ask Him how you can obey His command to care for orphans. There are so many opportunities out there!

If you have some other ideas of how to heed God's call, leave a comment and let me know!

Adoption Fundraiser: Etsy Shop is Open!!

2010-11-24T21:46:00.000-06:00

Ok, folks. The time has come! Our adoption fundraiser store, Already Love You, is officially open for business just in time for your holiday shopping. Stop on by and check out some super cute aprons, adorable bibs, trendy nursing covers, and much more. This is shopping with a purpose for sure; 100% of the proceeds go directly into our adoption fund. This is all for the sake of caring for one of God's orphaned children.

We'll be updating the shop regularly with more items so we've got lots more comin' your way. (It's taking me much longer than I thought to snap pictures and upload everything.) Check back often!

And would you mind doing us the favor of passing along the news about our store?

We're so thankful for you and your care for us. Even more so, we're thankful for our God who has made our own adoption into His family possible. What a reason to be thankful this Thanksgiving!

What about adoption?

2010-11-22T23:15:00.001-06:00

Back in the summer before my thyroid went completely crazy, I posted about our plan to someday adopt. (See here, and here.) Then, I found myself merely begging God for grace to get up out of bed and my plans got thrown out the window. Pursuing adoption got put even further into the "someday" category. Thankfully, God's plans are better than mine and His don't change. In the meantime, Rwanda has closed its doors to International adoptions as they put into place better laws to protect children there. It's unlikely that they'll re-open anytime soon (potentially not even for 5-10 years or so from what I've read).

We've continued to pray and think about what the Lord has for our family regarding adoption. While we were initially very drawn to Rwanda (and still are), it seems to us that He's leading to Ethiopia instead. We are so excited about that! So where are we in this process? Still very much in the "waiting on God" stage. We're waiting on Him to speak to us about when He wants us to officially begin by starting the paperwork. We're praying for our future child's birth parents. We're asking God to prepare our family for the process and the transitions to come. We're also waiting on Him to provide some "start-up" finances. If you've ever considered adopting, chances are you've probably thought, "That's wonderful but there's no way we could afford it." You're not alone. We don't have the money either, but God does.

We really believe that if God calls us to this, then He will provide everything we need to bring our baby home. Still, we're not planning on sitting around and waiting for money to fall from the sky. We want to be faithful to do our part so we've been praying and thinking creatively about how we can save and bring in a little extra as well. We would like to have the first 3 months fees ($3,000-5,000) saved before we officially start the $30,000+ process. (I know; it's so expensive. But so worth every cent!)

One small way we're seeking to do this is through opening an online store on Etsy. My mom and I have teamed up to sell sweet gifts for mom's and loved little ones (like nursing covers, bibs, aprons, burp cloths, etc.). I'm so excited about how it all is looking! All proceeds go directly toward our adoption fund. Stay tuned to see how you can check out our store!

Sweet Baby in a Tutu

2010-11-18T20:44:00.000-06:00

Ok, so her animal print pjs don't exactly jive with the purple tutu but that's completely beside the point. A baby in a tutu? Absolutely adorable!

Almost a Year of Addie Beth

2010-11-13T20:59:00.001-06:00

My sweet and beautiful baby is going to turn one next weekend. I am stunned that an entire year has passed since we first saw Addie's face. She has been such a joy amidst months of the dark shadow of illness that I've walked through. This girl feels like a part of me we're together so much! Simply put, I love her. So that I don't forget...

Favorite Foods: Chex, chicken, ice pops (she thinks she needs these because the big kids have them)
Clothing Size: 12 months on most things but still wears some 9 months.
Hair: Pretty straight. Red highlights but mostly brownish/blond.
Eye Color: Blue!
Favorite Books: Where is Baby's Belly Button, Baby Faces, and Moo Baa La La La.
Naps: 2 a day: one is 1.5 hrs, the other is usually 2 hours.
Favorite Activities: playing with baby dolls (patting their backs, snuggling them, etc), laughing at the big kids, being held by Mommy, emptying things, scooting around (just learned to do this!)
Things that make her laugh: Tali & Owen, peek-a-boo, tickles on her ribs
Signs: Daddy, Mommy, eat, milk, baby, more, hi/bye, night night.
Noises/Words: "ruhh" for bears, "eeow" for cats, uh-oh, h-eye, buh-eye, Dada

Warm Fall Days Rock!

2010-11-11T21:07:00.000-06:00

Getting 3 little people to smile for a camera isn't easy. This is about as good as I could do given that it was about nap time and we were all tired. I just love these 3 little people! Each one of them blesses me so much each and every day (and each and every one makes me cry out to the Lord for grace!).

Had to include a pic of Baby Girl's first shoes. Aren't they so cute? They might just be magical shoes because after we put them on her, she suddenly went from occassionally scooting around a bit to scooting full speed all over the house! These are apparently her magical scootin' shoes. Side note: when we were buying these the saleswoman at the store brought out a big sneaker-type shoe and asked if it would work for her stage of walking. Walking? This baby has just recently learned to move around a little on her rear! Scooting/crawling is very very new for her. The girl still can't quite master sitting up from a laying down position. Walk? I think we've got a while till we need to deal with that one. :)

He Does Mighty Things

2010-10-22T11:33:00.000-05:00

"Come and see what God has done: he is awesome in his deeds toward the children of man."
Psalm 66:5

Though I don't feel 100%, I haven't felt this good since before I was pregnant with Addie Beth. Come and see what God has done! He is awesome in His deeds! It is He alone who can heal!

Thank you for praying for me. If you're tempted to be discouraged about things you're begging God for that He isn't granting, take heart! He hears His children! He rarely acts in the timing and exact way that we think is best but He does hear the cries of His children. Persevere in prayer! It is a mighty God we serve. He is awesome in His deeds toward the children of man. His ways are so much higher than ours..

I am eager to see how He keeps answering the prayers of His people.

He Really Does Hear

2010-10-14T11:52:00.000-05:00

You know how sometimes you can keep asking God for something and He's not giving it and you can begin to wonder why? Doesn't He hear me? Doesn't He want this VERY GOOD thing for me? Doesn't He promise to hear us when we call to Him? Why isn't He answering this prayer? Why has healed other people and He's not healing me? Should I keep praying for this?

Josh and I have been praying for God to completely heal me of Graves' Disease. Our small group has prayed with us for this. Countless friends and family have prayed with us for this-maybe you've been one of them. And it's been over 3 months since I was in the emergency room and still, I'm not feeling completely well. Still, I've praying for healing. Still, I go up and down from day to day feeling ok and then feeling bad. At times, I've wavered, wondering if God is actually hearing these prayers. At other times, I've been filled with faith that if He wants to He can take Graves' Disease away from me in a moment. I've been fighting to trust that if He doesn't heal me, then I can still trust Him. He's got a good plan. Well, guess what?

Yesterday I got a call from my endocrinologist. She said, "You're levels are completely normal. I don't think that you have Graves' Disease." She thinks that maybe the diagnosis was wrong all along and that I have postpartum thyroiditis. Well, I don't know if that's what I have or if I really had Graves' and God healed me from it. What I do know is that God has heard and answered our prayers! I'm feeling much better (not 100% but much better) and that I don't have a LIFELONG condition!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you for praying for me! God has heard! We've asked Him to heal me from Graves' and He has. I don't have it. I will not have to battle this for life. God is powerful and mighty to heal! He didn't act in the timing I would have chosen (as in an immediate healing) or in the way I might have hoped (as in, never having allowed me to be sick in the first place), but He is healing me! Praise Him along with me!!!! I'm so grateful for all He's been teaching me through this and will continue to teach me as I keep healing.

She Makes Me Smile

2010-10-07T21:56:00.000-05:00

This is my sweet 10 month old. When I look at her, I can't help but smile. Addie Beth is a bright spot in every single day. Whether I feel sick or healthy, happy or sad, tired or energetic (I will feel energetic someday, right?), looking at Addie always makes my heart swell with joy. I really feel like she's God's tangible expression of His love for me. When she snuggles up to me, it's a tangible reminder of how real and how good God is. Only an amazing God would give such beautiful gifts to His children. I love Addie and I love the God who made her. Onto other things...

Thanks for praying for me. I keep wondering if I should post how I'm feeling but it changes each day and sometimes hourly. I've been wondering if maybe God is healing me but I don't know. My heart's been racing a bit more this week and a couple other symptoms have been going on. But get this y'all: I HAVE BEEN TOTALLY OFF OF MEDS FOR AN ENTIRE MONTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep, you read that right. At the beginning of September my TSH level was at 12 (supposed to be between 1 & 2 and it was at .02 when I was in the ER). My medicine throws me into hypothyroid so each time that happens, my dr. has me stop taking it. So I've been getting my blood checked every week or so and surprise, surprise, my levels have not gone back into hyperthyroid yet! I was anticipating being off of meds for 2-3 weeks and then tanking. But that hasn't happened! I don't know if God's healing me or just giving me a little breathing room to figure out where to go from here. Whatever the case, we're praising Him for it!

This morning Tali said, "Mommy, why did God heal you?" I love that she asked that because I've never said that He healed me since I'm not quite sure. Still, she knows that I'm feeling much better than I've been for a long time. Josh answered her, "Because God loves His children." It is humbling for me to think that if He's healing me, it's because of His undeserved love for me. And if He chooses for me to feel worse again, somehow that's an expression of His love as well.

Please keep praying for complete healing!

Praying Psalm 119:67

2010-09-10T11:35:00.000-05:00

Thank you for all of your prayers! Many have asked how I'm feeling so I wanted to try and post a small update. Basically, my health goes up and down like a roller-coaster these days. For a couple of days I might feel sort of decent and then the next day, I seem to plummet down again into feeling awful. It's very inconsistent but the long and short of it is that this is how my body responds to Graves' Disease being treated with PTU. I'm very affected by the medicine, so much so that it's been very hard for my endocrinologist to determine what dosage I need. Each time we think the dosage may be right and my thyroid levels begin to normalize, I start going into HYPO-thyroid because the meds are suppressing my thyroid too much.

I could go on and on about all that we're trying to decide...are meds best or is a more holistic approach better? If I do the holistic route, then I probably need to stop nursing Addie. What's best? Should I keep waiting to see if they find the right dosage for my meds, even though my dr. said that the dosage will likely need to be tweaked off and on over the next 1.5ish years on PTU? Will I go into permanent remission if I do the full 2 years on PTU even though I only have about a 60% chance of that? Lots of questions. The Lord knows the answers.

I would so love your prayers. If you're wondering how you can pray for me, please do continue to pray for healing. But also, I would love it if you'd pray for me from Psalm 119:67 and 71.

"Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I keep Your word." "It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn Your statutes."

Please pray that through this, I would learn more of God's ways and that I would walk in His paths, keeping His Words. Pray that I would rejoice in God, knowing that this is good for me, otherwise He would not be allowing this affliction. I really want to rejoice in the midst of suffering, not merely try and survive it till it's over.

So grateful for a faithful God who always works for my best. I know that His purposes are good. As Psalm 119:75 says, "...in faithfulness You have afflicted me."

He Sees

2010-08-21T14:33:00.000-05:00

Dear Mamas at Home, looking back at the week and wondering what was accomplished, take heart. We work for the eyes of our Unseen Father who knows what is done in secret.

Be refreshed. Read this.

A Couple Island Pictures

2010-08-19T21:30:00.000-05:00

Cousins

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Beach Baby

More pictures to come! Thank you so much for your prayers for my health during the trip. I felt pretty awful some of the time, but for the majority of our time in Maui I felt well. God was so kind to do that for me! I'm waiting to hear back on my blood-work to see where my levels are at right now. Praying that God would heal if He hasn't already.

2010-08-11T14:02:00.001-05:00

Been feeling gross. Blood tests showed that my levels are still in hypo so no meds 4 another week. Still praying 4 healing.

Mondays Are Awesome

2010-08-08T23:59:00.000-05:00

Monday = results from my blood test that will show where my levels are (I don't feel healed but maybe it's a gradual healing...today I feel fairly good).

Monday = Hawaii!!!!! Thanks to the generosity of Josh's parents, we are headed to Maui with Grammy, Pops, Aunt Amy, Uncle David, and cousin Eli. We are so incredibly excited about making memories together at the beach. And as a bonus, I am seriously hoping for some great photos to come out of this time. I even painted Addie Beth's toenails for the occasion.

Thanks for all of your prayers for my health. I don't know what God's going to do but I trust that He will use this for my good.

God Can Heal

2010-08-03T22:18:00.001-05:00

This is me before the meds kicked in & I started putting on more weight

Well, the verdict is officially in. I have Graves' Disease. I was really hoping and praying that postpartum hyperthyroidism was to blame, but nope. Graves' is basically an autoimmune disease where your body attacks your thyroid. Graves' Disease doesn't really ever go away completely, but you can go into remission. The two main treatment options are to take a radioactive pill to kill my thyroid (then be on meds to do what my thyroid would have done for life), or to take meds for 1-2 years in hopes of regulating my thyroid levels enough to be in remission and off meds for good (or until a flare up comes). Or to try a completely natural approach. At this point, we're opting for the meds. My endocrinologist thinks I have about a 60% chance of them working and me going into remission after the 1-2 years.

I was feeling really great physically for about 4 days. My symptoms had decreased significantly and the only real drag was exhaustion and weakness. But then I woke up Sunday morning and everything started to really annoy me again. I was extremely tempted to get angry at anything and everything. I started just feeling nasty. My bad headaches came back. I couldn't sleep. My heart palps were creeping up again. I couldn't think. I was completely overwhelmed and discouraged and trying hard to remember truth about God amidst suddenly feeling awful again. What happened? Why did I suddenly take a turn for the worse?

Monday morning my endo called to inform me that I needed to stop the meds completely for a week because my blood tests showed that I was going into HYPOthyroidism...in other words, my levels flip-flopped. That's why I started feeling terrible again. So now the game plan is to get another blood test after a week off of meds to see where I'm at. Then I'll start up meds again at a different dosage. Here's what I'm praying everyone: I am praying that God has or will completely heal me. I'm praying that my tests will come back completely NORMAL. I'm wondering if God has already healed me and that maybe the meds made me go into hypo because I don't need them at all anymore. I'm praying for God to give me complete healing. Would you pray that with me? I know He is able to do all things and He might not see it as best for me to be healed. But then again, it might be His perfect plan.

How am I doing with all of this craziness? Well, that depends. I'm trying to think about what is true in God's Word. He says that He works all things together for good. He says that His ways are perfect. He says that He gives more grace. He says that His strength is made perfect in weakness. He says that He keeps in perfect peace him whose mind is fixed on Him. God is more than enough even if I feel junky forever. When I think about who He is, I'm fine. I'm better than fine; I'm at peace and content! When I think about how I feel today or how I might feel next week or how I am doing the bare minimum for and with my kids and husband, or how my house looks, or how I might have to take these meds for 2 years straight...then I'm not doing so well. So the fight is on, my friends. If you want to know how to pray for me, pray for my healing and pray for grace for me to do what I can't do on my own-fix my gaze on Christ and not my circumstances. I can already see ways that He's using this to conform me more into His image, so for that I'm grateful.

What I really deserve is God's wrath against my sin. What I have received is His mercy and forgiveness because Christ took my punishment. That is more than enough reason for me to praise Him tonight!

Happy Monday!

2010-07-26T09:54:00.000-05:00

Have You Ever Seen Such A Sweetie?

2010-07-16T09:59:00.001-05:00

Will you get me a blanket?

2010-07-15T20:47:00.000-05:00

I would like to issue an apology to anyone that has stepped foot in our house over the past 7ish months. Though you have been very kind and never mentioned the frigid conditions, I am sure that you were wondering if you would leave with your fingers and toes intact. I do thank God that no one left our home with frostbite...at least not to my knowledge.

The good news is that last night I asked Josh a shocking question: "Babe, will you get me a blanket?" He stopped in his tracks and stared. "A blanket? A blanket! Do you mean to tell me that you are cold?" It was a sweet moment in the Fenska home. For once, I was not fanning myself or commenting about how hot I was. For once, I was not wishing that I lived in Antarctica. Ah...relief. One nasty symptom of this hyperthyroidism has been the inability to regulate my body heat. I have been unbearably hot for months. I've felt like I was in a sauna all day long. Now I only feel like that about 5 or 6 times a day and that is doable.

I can see little glimpses of healing and we're thanking God for that! I'm still hot often, eating like a ravenous beast, exhausted, and having stomach trouble, but all of those symptoms are not quite as severe as they were. I think I've stopped losing weight and my hair isn't falling out as much. And the beta blockers are keeping my heart from racing. Even though I wish that I felt 100% better, I'm grateful for the progress that I do see.

Thank you so much for your prayers, calls, texts, emails, meals, childcare, etc. You all have made it so much easier to focus on recovering. We are blessed with wonderful family and friends and we thank God for you! We're grateful that we aren't doing this alone.

If you're wondering how you can pray for me, please continue to pray for complete healing. Also, please pray that I would trust in God's grace for the many things I wish I could have changed over the months of feeling so sick. There are many things I wish I would have done differently. I'm so grateful that God does not treat us as our sins deserve because He afflicted Christ in our place.

His Way Is Perfect...even when it involves sickness

2010-07-10T12:45:00.000-05:00

I'm not going to complain about the hospital because:

A. Complaining is sin. And because B.They kept me from going into cardiac arrest.

But still, they didn't explain a lot of what hyperthyroidism is or what treatment really means. That was probably for the best because I'm guessing that I would have gotten overwhelmed, laying on a hospital bed with wires strapped all over, being told that it could take MONTHS before I feel better. Yep. MONTHS.

The thyroid is sort of a hormone regulator and helps control things like weight, metabolism, body temperature, heart rate, etc. A normal range of the thyroid hormone TSH should be from 1-2. 3-4 means that you have hypothyroidism (your body isn't producing enough of the hormone.) Anything under .7 means that you're hyperthyroid. Ladies and gentlemen, I was at .02 TSH when I got the emergency room. My thyroid has been producing WAY too many hormones for WAY too long. Since my level is so low, it will take quite a while for it to stabilize again. If it was just a little while, it could potentially get better in a couple of weeks. But since it is dangerously low, it's going to take months.

Just in case you're wondering, I am really tempted to be discouraged about this time frame. I have already felt bad for about 5 months and now I have more months ahead of me before I feel better. I have three little kids and a husband to care for and no energy to do it. Still, God has a good plan for us, even if I don't understand it.

I've been trying to hold fast to this promise in God's Word:

"This God—His way is perfect;
the word of the Lord proves true;
He is a shield for all those who take refuge in Him." Psalm 18:30

Beta Blockers and the Screaming Lady

2010-07-08T20:25:00.000-05:00

If you were waking up 4+ times a night for about 7 months, how do you think you'd feel? Not bursting with energy and wanting to run a marathon, right? Well, I've been feeling awful for months but assumed that it was due to my sleep deprivation. I've been exhausted, weak, hot all the time, starving an hour after I eat, easily overwhelmed, and shaky. I have never felt so awful before in all of my life. Each day I was waking up just feeling like I had absolutely no energy and no way to get through the day. The thought of changing a diaper or doing the dishes just seemed like it required way too much physical stamina. I spent a lot of time begging God for grace to care for my kids, and counting the hours till nap time. Not long ago, my heart began racing or skipping beats. Even in my tired delirium, I knew that heart issues usually aren't from sleeplessness. I started getting a bit nervous and made a doctor's appointment.

In the meantime, I googled and self-diagnosed that I probably had hyperthyroidism. I was actually so relieved that I might have something treatable. Unfortunately, the day of my appointment (yesterday), my heart kept getting worse. After the appointment, Josh and I went to the emergency room. My heart rate was in the 140's and blood tests confirmed that i have hyperthyroidism. Because my heart rate wasn't coming down much, they admitted me.

Now, I'm on beta blockers and a thyroid suppresser to get my thyroid under control. I am not feeling wonderful, but I feel better than I have in months. I cannot tell you how grateful to God I am that this has been found! I am so grateful that He protected me from getting worse and so grateful that He has provided medication to help me. I am also SOOOO grateful that He has made a way for me to continue nursing Addie amidst it all. I'm so grateful for a husband that has cared for me and helped me during the months that I've been unable to do much. I'm so grateful that he came with me to the dr, hospital, and stayed with me all night. I'm so grateful that God has given me parents that live close by and were able to help. I'm so grateful that I'm home and don't have to listen to the lady in the room next to me screaming at the nurses all night.

As they wheeled me to my hospital room, we passed the Cancer Ward. I was reminded that hyperthyroidism is something to be grateful for. I am going to get better. It's not fatal. We are thanking God for that!

2010-07-07T22:14:00.001-05:00

Right now I'm in the hospital. Found out that I have hyperthyroid. I'd love prayers for healing and that I'd still be able to nurse.

From China to Rwanda

2010-07-06T20:40:00.001-05:00

Instead of leaving you hanging, I thought I'd fill in some more details! How did we get from me having the desire to care for orphans in China to deciding to adopt from Rwanda (hopefully starting the process in 2011)? Here's the rest of the story...

Before Josh and I got engaged I asked him if he'd be interested in adopting someday. I told him that if he wasn't, I wasn't sure that I could marry him because it was that important to me. He quickly said he'd definitely be interested. :)

We got married and 3 babies came pretty fast. Five sweet years of marriage passed and life was going at full speed. I didn't give much thought to the babies without parents; my mind was running wild with trying to care for the little ones I already had! Then my friend, Misha, started posting some adoption videos on her blog. One look and all of the hopes and desires came rushing back. I could not shake the intense longing to do something to care for these children. I started searching on-line a bit about international adoption and just felt absolutely sure that this was for us. I sent for a couple info packets from different agencies. I talked with Josh about it and he agreed that it would be wonderful, but said that it just wasn't the right time for us. He suggested that we talk about it again after Christmas.

My heart sunk and I prayed. I asked a couple of friends to pray. And a week later when I brought it up again, something had changed. We began looking at the details of adopting from various countries. I'd always thought we'd adopt from China but we fall too short of China's income requirements. So, we started looking at Ethiopia and Rwanda.

More on why we chose Rwanda later...

Rwanda

2010-07-05T16:29:00.000-05:00

When I was a little girl, I once caught a glimpse of a news broadcast about orphans in Russia. My heart was forever changed. I knew that somehow, someday, I would do something about it. After college, I moved to Wheaton and began pursuing a Master's Degree in Teaching English as a Second Language. The plan was for me to graduate and head to China to work in an orphanage there. I made a friend that knew Mandarin and she tutored me in Chinese. I wrote papers on the orphan crisis in China. I watched videos about adoption and researched various orphanages. I cried about the kids there without families and I prayed that I'd be able to help.

Then something happened. I fell in love with a guy that wanted to be a pastor. It became pretty clear that God wasn't calling me to go work in an orphanage (as good and wonderful as that is) but that He was calling me to serve my husband here in the U.S. and build our lives in our local church. And I have not regretted that change in my plans for one second. But I have wondered what would become of the passion in my heart to serve children without parents.

James 1:27 says, "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world." I don't think that James meant that ALL Christians must adopt or that ALL Christians must open their home to a widow. I don't think that James meant that ALL Christians must go work in an orphanage. But I do think that God has a heart for orphans and that He wants us to have a heart for them too.

What does that look like? Loving orphans can take a variety of forms. For us, it looks like praying and planning to adopt a baby from Rwanda.

Happy Belated Birthday, Babe!

2010-07-02T14:49:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, my favorite person turned 30.

You may know him as the smart guy with glasses that loves the Padres, Breyers strawberry ice cream, and studying God's Word. You may see him most often as a pastor preaching to you on Sunday morning or the dude rockin' out on the guitar during worship. Or maybe if you're a part of my family, you've chatted with him a couple times but don't know him too well yet. I don't know exactly what you know of this man, but I can tell you this: my husband is the real deal.

There are plenty of things I could list or describe to show you this but I will attempt to keep it short and just share one example:

On our anniversary this year I was rushing out of the garage to get to Addie's doctor appointment and slammed into the side of Josh's car. (Honestly, I didn't even see it there!) I felt horrible and ran inside to tell him. He gave me a hug and said, "That's ok. It's just a car. I love you much more than my car." Fast forward 3 months to a party with some of Josh's college roommates. He was talking about the longevity of his car and how it's still truckin' along after all this time. I overheard him saying, "Someone scraped into the side of it a bit but other than that it still looks pretty good." Then he went right on with his conversation. NO mention of me being the one to hit his car. No making me look bad (even though it was my fault!). No even mentioning my name. To me that was a perfect picture of who Josh is: gracious, forgiving, forbearing, patient, kind, and always honoring me.

I could also tell you about how he takes the time to play guitar for the kids each night, gets take-out when I'm too tired to cook, listens to what I say and takes the time to really hear, gives up countless hours to love and care for people, spends his day off making memories with the kids instead of just relaxing, and a thousand other things. But I won't.

I'll just say this: Happy Birthday, Josh! I am so blessed to be your wife!

Baby Girl

2010-06-17T20:38:00.004-05:00

This is one of my favorite outfits from Tali's hand-me-downs and I couldn't resist putting Addie in it. I love this girl! Oh, and I'm trying to figure out how to make my pictures bigger but I think I got it a little too big. Hopefully I'll work it out in posts to come!

My Little Ladies

2010-06-11T18:01:00.000-05:00

Sweet Girl at 6 Months

2010-05-25T20:32:00.004-05:00

I have to be honest. The last six months have been the most tiring months of my life because little lady hasn't figured out how to sleep through the night yet. But, I also must say that I am enjoying Addie even more than I enjoyed Tali or Owen as babies. I'm not sure if it's because I'm so aware that this time is going to fly by or because I've had so many extra hours with her at night or what. Whatever it is, can I just say that I am nuts about this girl?! Even though I'm tired, I love the time with her even in the wee hours of the morning. So that I don't forget...

Addie Beth at 6 Months

Weight: 15.9 pds (at 4 months she was in the 45the percentile & now she's over 80th percentile!)

Height: I think 26 inches but I can't remember

Clothing Size: 6-12 Months

Hair Color: Hmm...not sure but it's looking light brown & straight

Eyes: Blue (oh please, Lord, let them stay this gorgeous shade!)

Temperament: Generally very quiet, sweet, and happy...except when she's screaming (this girl knows how to generate some serious noise)

Naps: 3-4 usually lasting about an hour although she did a 3hr yesterday and a 2 hr today

Food:Just started sweet potatoes & nurses about 7-9 times each day/night

Night: Goes to bed at 7:30pm, eats again around 10pm, then wakes up 2+ times

Favorites: Hands down, she is crazy about Owen & Tali. She laughs at them & watches their every move. Loves being outside. Also, she's a mommy's girl right now & just wants me to hold her. She loves shaking her head/rubbing her head and making a big bald spot. :(

Now that Mother's Love herbs have boosted my supply, her weight is up and she seems happier. We're praying that her sleep takes a turn for the better soon and very soon. Even if it doesn't, I could not love her more!

His Different Plans

2010-05-17T20:16:00.005-05:00

You know the old saying, "some days are better than others?" Today falls into the "others" category. Nothing big in the huge scheme of things, but just not my ideal day. I wasn't expecting to give Addie a bath mid morning but poop up her back necessitated it. I wasn't expecting to change Tali's clothes around 10am due to an "accident" but ya can't really have your child running around in the buff. (Quick side note: after Tali declothed herself I heard Owen say as if he was taken aback, "Oh Tali! Yuh not vay-wee mah-dist!" Had to laugh out loud at that.) I didn't expect to look for Owen's bear for a HALF AN HOUR only to find it hiding beneath a toy in the basement. Lots of things I didn't expect, but as my little theologian of a 3 year old reminded me, "I guess God had a diff-rent plan for ya day, Mommy!"

He did have a different plan and His is always best even though I don't always like it. In the midst of the things I wasn't really wanting to do I told God, "I don't really want to do this." Here's what He said in only the loving yet truthful way that God speaks, "Why? Because it's not easy? Jesus never had a break either."

Yep, I am still in this same old battle with fighting my love of ease. I haven't fully learned the lessons God's wanting to teach me here. Jesus didn't have a break. Jesus didn't have it easy and yet I think I deserve that and get angry when I don't get it.

Oh Lord, please change my heart to want to serve like You instead of demanding that my day be the way I want it to be.

Vacation Highlights

2010-05-15T21:14:00.004-05:00

Things I will always remember about this vacation in no particular order because once again I am too sleep deprived to think that sequentially:

1) Laughing our heads off at "Nate the Great" audio cds

2) An extended time of praying with my hubby

3) Hearing Tali & Owen talk and laugh together while they shared a bedroom at night

4) Seeing Owen's chubby face with goggles on

5) Watching Tali enjoy hours in the pool

6) Great quiet times that were actually QUIET since Josh took the big kids out

7) Watching some rockin' Food Network stuff with my awesome husband

8) Playing "doctor" and "store" with the kids over and over and over again

9) Two nights where Addie actually slept well...hope they happen again someday

10) Loving being together

2010-05-07T08:22:00.001-05:00

The sleeping trend was short-lived. Still, vacation is a blessing!

2010-05-04T07:48:00.001-05:00

I am shocked! Addie had her best night of sleep ever! She ate at 7pm, 1am, 7am! Only up once! We're praising God!

2010-05-03T11:21:00.001-05:00

On the road again! I'm posting from my cell on the way to Door County. Since I've been living very day-to-day lately, I only realized last week that this week is our vacation! Please pray for spiritual & physical refreshment & for sweet family time. Thanks!

2010-05-01T08:22:00.001-05:00

Don't mess with Texas. We're here in the south enjoying the warm air & each other. Josh is doing our friend's wedding today. Pray that God is glorified! It's such a joy to be here even though Addie only slept abt 4 hrs last night. We'll be home Sunday evening.

Please Continue Praying for Gabe

2010-04-13T20:23:00.003-05:00

An update on Gabe...

Ben & Angie received a huge shock last night when they were told that their little guy does in fact have a heart condition. Gabe has Long QT Syndrome and will need to be on medication for life to help his heart from going into arrhythmia. They have been told that he will be able to lead a normal life but will need medication several times a day.

Please pray for these friends and their baby. Pray that God would give them grace to keep trusting in Him and resting in His perfect care for their son. Pray that Gabe would be able to leave the NICU soon and that his body would continue to do well with the medicine. Pray for rest in the midst of the weariness. And pray for wisdom for all the decisions that need to be made right now.

They are grateful for your prayers.

I'm Weak. He's Strong.

2010-04-12T20:14:00.003-05:00

I don't really have anything much to say except that Josh is gone until Thursday evening and that makes for a L-O-N-G week.

This morning I got up very aware that in every way that I can think of, I am weak right now. I'm weak in the "rested" department. I'm weak in the "refreshed" department. I'm weak in the "patience" department and in the "eyes on the cross" department and in the "joyfully serving" department. I don't feel like I've been doing anything very well or very strongly right now. Weak at housework, weak in organization, weak at friendship, weak at devotions, weak in parenting, weak in trusting the Lord. I am weak. And actually, I'm probably always this weak, I just don't always recognize it.

So my cry today has been, "When I am weak, then I am strong...so Lord, please be my strength in weakness!" And you know what? He gave me more than sufficient grace and strength for the day. Now all three little people are in bed (for the moment) and I'm grateful that God is so much stronger than my weakness. I'm praying that I remember His strength tomorrow too.

Please Pray for Gabe

2010-04-11T21:42:00.002-05:00

Well, I didn't expect to be shooting out another NICU prayer request but...

Please pray for our dear friends, Ben & Angie, and their new little guy, Gabe. He was born Saturday morning and everything looked great until some concerns over his heart rate emerged. Basically, he had a very low heart rate that kept dropping and wasn't raising when he was active/awake. He was taken to the NICU for testing and the results have been very encouraging! It appears that his unusual heartbeats/patterns are beginning to resume more normal functioning.

Please pray that the tests that he is given tomorrow will confirm that he is doing much better and that his heart will function completely normally in it's patterns/rhythms/beats. Please pray for continued peace for Ben & Angie; they are trusting the Lord and declaring His goodness and faithfulness! Pray that peace continues to reign in their hearts when they are able to take him home and for the time in between. I can't imagine how hard it must be to go home without your baby.

If you want to leave any comments for them on here, feel free to do so.

Happy Easter!

2010-04-04T16:12:00.005-05:00

I'm a bit disappointed that I wasn't able to get all 3 to sit still and smile at the same time...but cute pictures (as fun as they are) aren't really what today's about anyway. So grateful that He is risen!

Hee Hee!

2010-03-31T21:33:00.001-05:00

Oh, and just in case you needed something to make you smile...isn't this photo funny?

The Worm

2010-03-31T20:43:00.005-05:00

"The Twins" (as we affectionately call them) had a little farming expedition in the yard today. They eagerly dug for worms and then had a lengthy conversation about their new little friend. Here's a snippit:

Tali: Oh Owey! Isn't he soooo cute? He's soooo lih-tul!

Owen: Yah, Tal. (Then Owen starts poking the worm with a stick and it begins to burrow underground again.)

Tali: Oh, Owen!!!! He DOESN'T like that. That's skay-ween him, Owey. Now he's leaving. That's so sad! Oh, Owen. Isn't he just so cute? Do you like worms, Owey?

Owen: No, Tal. I DON'T like them!

Tali: Hey, how about you be, "Farmer Owen," ok?

Owen: No! (In disgust.) I'm not "Farmer Owen." I'm dust, "Owey."

Please Pray for Eli

2010-03-25T16:50:00.003-05:00

As of Monday morning, Tali, Owen, & Addie have a new cousin to love! Eli David (Josh's sister and brother-in-law's little guy) made his appearance via c-section and is spending some time in the NICU before his mommy & daddy get to take him home. He was 5 lbs 2 oz (I hope I'm getting that correct!) and is undergoing tests to determine what exactly is going on with him as his blood work didn't come back with the numbers hoped for and he's under the lights full time for high biliruben right now.

Please pray for Eli, that his body would be perfectly healed and that he'd be able to live a healthy life. Please pray for Amy; this is her first baby and it was an awful labor experience to put it mildly (think induction late Sunday afternoon, 3 hours of pushing beginning Monday morning that ended in a c-section.) Now she's healing from a c-section and barely getting to see her new baby at all for a variety of reasons. I can't imagine how hard that must be. I know they'd love your prayers as they seek to trust God through this!

I guess that March is NICU month around here...so glad that God is there, even in the NICU.

Please Pray for Brandt

2010-03-18T19:48:00.002-05:00

Our dear friends, Aaron & Andrea, have been faithfully trusting God for years waiting for Him to grant them the joy of becoming parents. On Monday, 9 weeks earlier than expected, their little boy made a surprise visit. God's mercy and kindness are surrounding them all as they pray for Brandt's growth and physical strengthening during his NICU stay. These friends are heroes to me; their faith in a sovereign and loving good God makes me believe in Him all the more. They inspire me to see the all satisfying love of Christ above all else. It is really an honor to know them and watch them bringing our Savior glory by their trust in Him.

Please pray for Brandt. And even if you don't know them, I know they'd be encouraged to hear that you're praying for them. Please leave a little comment on Andrea's blog to let them know!

Even Though She's Up Every 2 Hours All Night

2010-03-12T16:16:00.000-06:00

I still love my little girl!

Addie Beth and the Tulips

2010-03-11T15:35:00.003-06:00

Recently Josh and I started getting a bit more serious about learning how to use our rockin' camera. I've always loved to take pictures and have an interest in photography but haven't really done anything more to improve until now. I've been playing around with settings, practicing our new skills and taking tons and tons and TONS of pictures. Here are some of my favorites from today. (Click on the last one to enlarge it and check out those incredible blue eyes that she has!) Which picture do you like best?

Sweet Feet

2010-03-07T21:30:00.001-06:00

Loving My Two Year Old

2010-03-06T19:57:00.007-06:00

Pretty much everything that Owen says right now is cute. He is just flat out adorable to me and I love to hear him talk. Here are some quotes that I've been storing up from my boy:

O: Mommy? Kin you please take dat monstuh boe-uhd out of the liveen woom?
Me: Honey, it's not a monster. It's just the ironing board. I know you don't see it very often.
O: Way-ul...kin Gwamma pweese take huh boe-uhd home wif her?
Me: Well, it's not Grandma's ironing board, it's Mommy's.
O: No. It's Gwamma's.

(You don't need me to tell you who does the ironing around this house.)
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O: Wayd uh secind! How'did dis gid in he-uh?
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O: Mommy? I miss you. Oh! Dare you ah!
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O: Oh! Ah-dee's eyes ah black! Dey look like boo-behwees!
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Me: Owen, Jesus can help you to obey right now.
O: Yah. Becuz he suffuhd and tempted.
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O: Oh no! Tahlee is gwumbuling!

Do you like "haps"

2010-02-27T13:04:00.002-06:00

This is a great conversation that Owen and I had this morning:

Me: Perhaps. "Perhaps" means "maybe."

Tali: Oh.

Owen: Daddy has "haps".

Me: He does? He has haps?

Owen: Yah, in his cah. He has haps in his cah.

Me: Haps in his car? Hats? He has hats in his car?

Owen: No, Mommy. Haps! An Daddy has jazz, too.

Me: Do you mean that Daddy has "hip hop" music in his car?

Owen: Yeah! Daddy has hip hap hip hop.

(p.s.- When Owey saw this picture of himself he said, "I sink I was sayeen 'OH' in dat picshuh.")

Some Differences

2010-02-24T11:52:00.004-06:00

Here's Owey at around 3 months.

This is Addie Beth at around 3 months.

This is Tali at around 3 months.

Owen's around 3 months old in this picture.

This is Tali at 2 months old. Look at those chubby cheeks!

Here's miss Addie Beth at 3 months. Doesn't she look like a dainty little thing compared to her sister as a baby?

I just love babies! It's so good to have one to snuggle again since my big girl is 3 and my little boy is 2. We're so blessed and grateful for these children to love.

Looking Up

2010-02-18T21:48:00.005-06:00

I can't change myself, that's for sure! I'm so glad, though, that God is able to change me and that He's given me His Word that's living and active. The last couple weeks I've been seeking to meditate on some things to help me look upward rather than get overwhelmed by all that goes into being a mom. When my mind is filled with these truths, my day is so different! I'm trying to pray through these verses in the morning when I'm feeding Addie and then at little times throughout the day. Looking at God is SO much more encouraging than looking at myself!

What is my hope for being a mom today?
God gave His son to die for my sins; surely He will meet every other need that I have today.
-"He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" Romans 8:32

God is with me!
-"Fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

In my own strength, I can do nothing but He is much stronger than me!
-"I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5

-"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
2 Cor. 12:9

How does my Lord parent His children?

He is patient and loving
-"The Lord is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love." Psalm 145:8

Jesus didn't grasp at His own rights; He humbled Himself and became a servant
-"who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant" Philippians 2:6,7

Jesus didn't demand that He be served, He gave up His life to serve that we might know God
-"For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Mark 10:45

Jesus had compassion on the people when they followed Him around; He knew they needed Him
-"When he went ashore he saw a great crowd, and he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. And he began to teach them many things." Mark 6:34

What does God call me to do as a mom today?

To live for Christ and not myself
-"and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised." 2 Corinthians 5:15

To love my children with a tender, affectionate love to adorn the Gospel
-"and so train the young women to love their husbands and children...that the word of God may not be reviled." Titus 2:4,5

To teach God's Words to them
-"You shall teach them (God's Words) to your children, talking of them when you are sitting in your house, and when you are walking by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise." Deuteronomy 11:19

To discipline them and instruct them
-"...do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." Ephesians 6:4

Wow, our kids are cute!

2010-02-17T17:25:00.003-06:00

Prayer Request

2010-02-16T15:01:00.002-06:00

Some of you probably know or have heard of Bob Kauflin. I've been incredibly blessed by his music and leadership through Sovereign Grace Ministries. His son and daughter-in-law (Jordan and Tali) recently found out that their little boy has leukemia. Please pray for Jack's complete recovery and for much strength and grace for this family. Jordan's in the Pastor's College right now and Tali gave birth to their 3rd child a little after we had Addie. Such a severe trial and yet they are trusting the Lord and resting in His care. Please pray for them.