Prayer for National Adoption Month

 

(Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash)

Father, during this National Adoption Month, we lift up to you everyone who has been impacted by adoption. In the heartbreak and in the hope, make Your love known. 

God, tangibly show Your nearness and let it be felt by adoptees. As they interact with their story, remind them of Your steadfast, unchanging love that sees and knows their hearts. May Your compassion and tenderness assure them that You care. Give them Your peace, Your joy, Your healing. Give others humble hearts to listen and learn from them.

God, tangibly show Your nearness and let it be felt by birth parents. This month, as the topic of adoption is at the forefront once again, remind them that they are not alone. Thank You for being the God who never leaves or forsakes. Thank you for being the God who sees and knows hearts. Fill birth parents with the assurance of Your ongoing care for them. Give them Your peace, Your joy, Your healing. Give others humble hearts to listen and learn from them.

God, tangibly show Your nearness and let it be felt by adoptive families. As they seek to faithfully parent, guide them with Your wisdom. Give them an awareness that You are the Perfect Parent who is able to do abundantly more than they could ask or imagine. Be their strength and courage. Give them Your peace, Your joy, Your healing. Give them humble hearts to listen and learn. 

God, tangibly show Your nearness and let it be felt by women in crisis considering adoption. As they wrestle with their decision, surround them with people who care. Direct them to providers who will truly invest in their lives. Provide them with the help they need. Give them Your peace, Your joy, Your healing. Give those they share their hearts with humility to listen and learn from them.

God, tangibly show Your nearness and let it be felt by those pursuing adoption. As these hopeful adoptive parents wait to see how their journeys will unfold, give them the ability to look beyond their own stories to You. Give them accurate and helpful information to equip them. Open their hearts to reflect Your heart of kindness, patience, and love. Give them Your peace, Your joy, Your healing. Give them humble hearts to listen and learn from others in the adoption constellation.

In the mighty name of Jesus, we pray.

Amen.

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How To Choose An Adoption Home Study Provider

 

An important piece of the adoption journey is your home study. What exactly is a home study, and how do you choose the right home study provider for you?

What is an adoption home study?

A home study is the process that hopeful adoptive parents go through to become legally approved to adopt. The purpose of a domestic home study is for a licensed home study provider to determine whether or not you can provide a safe and healthy home to raise a child. It is specifically tailored to your state's requirements and involves paperwork, important clearances (such as background and security checks), a physical, interviews with a social worker, a home visit, and adoption education. Your home study provider then compiles a report about your family and determines whether or not to approve you to proceed with adoption.

How do you choose a home study provider?

Just like any other service, there are amazing providers and downright awful providers as well. How do you choose a good home study provider? As you're looking into your options for home study providers near you, here are a few tips to guide you along the way:

• Make sure you are only considering licensed home study providers.
• If you're working with an adoption consultant, you will have an advantage in receiving their recommendations; ask for their personal experience with the providers they share with you.
• Ask adoptive families around you who they used for their home study and get feedback about their experiences.
• Do a google search for "licensed adoption home study providers" in your state and spend time looking through the websites of the providers near you.
• Consider the verbiage on their website; are they using positive and up-to-date adoption language (for example, "place a baby for adoption"vs. the outdated phrase "give up a baby")?
• Search for reviews on the home study provider; are they well respected in the adoption community?
• Search to see if there are any legal cases against the home study provider.
• Call each provider that you're considering and pay careful attention to how they treat you in the conversation. Do they rush you? Are they caring and interested in your story?
• Ask how long the home study process takes with each provider you're considering, and ask what training is involved for hopeful adoptive families.
• Inquire about the fees; are they all due at once? Do they charge for mileage? 
• If you are considering taking a multi-agency approach to your adoption, let the home study provider know that. Ask the provider if they will be giving you a copy of the home study so that you can send it to multiple adoption agencies.
• Pray for the Lord's direction and follow His leading.

How Do You Know If You've Chosen A Good Home Study Provider?

Your home study provider should be someone excited to partner with you for your adoption. If you've chosen a good provider, they will be eager to be a part of your adoption journey!

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What's The Difference Between An Adoption Consultant And An Adoption Agency?

Are you considering adoption and wondering what direction to turn next? The two main paths toward adoption that hopeful adoptive couples typically take are working with an adoption agency or working with an Adoption Consultant. What's the difference, and how can you decide which path is best for you?

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN USING AN AGENCY AND USING AN ADOPTION CONSULTANT

Adoption Agencies often have wait times of several years for hopeful adoptive families, depending on the size of the agency.	Adoption Consultants typically decrease wait time by connecting hopeful adoptive parents to multiple adoption agencies.
Adoption Agencies divide their time between caring for expectant mothers and hopeful adoptive parents.	Adoption Consultants focus on providing care and education solely to hopeful adoptive parents.
Adoption Agencies work with expectant mothers.	Adoption Consultants do not work with expectant mothers.
Adoption Agencies place children with adoptive families.	Adoption Consultants do not place children.
Adoption Agencies help adoptive parents connect with expectant mothers they are working with.	Adoption Consultants point adoptive parents to adoption agencies; the agencies then connect the adoptive parents to expectant mothers.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE IF USING AN ADOPTION CONSULTANT IS A GOOD FIT FOR YOU?

Now that you have a clearer picture of the differences between an adoption agency and an Adoption Consultant, you're left to decide which route to take. As you gather information and pray about whether using an Adoption Consultant is a good fit for you, the following questions may be helpful to consider:

• Does the idea of having your own personal guide focused on helping you through each step of your adoption journey sound appealing? 
• Would you like to maximize the amount of opportunities you have to present your profile book to expectant mothers?
• Is wait time something you want to factor into your decision?

If you answered "yes" to any of those questions, using an Adoption Consultant could be an excellent fit for your adoption journey! 

I'd love to hear from you! Contact me at katiefenska@gmail.com.

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9 Ways to Help Your Child Process Adoption Throughout Their Lifetime

Parenthood is beautiful and it is weighty, isn't it? As a Christian mama, I want to do all that I can to help my children learn what it means to find their identity in Christ. And as an adoptive parent, I also must take to heart the reality that my kids have another identity as well: that of an adoptee. When it comes to helping our children navigate and process their adoption, it's imperative that we provide them with tools to help them along the way. This takes intentionality and effort. But where do we start? The following is not an exhaustive list but is a great place to begin as you seek to help you child process adoption throughout their lifetime.

9 Tools For Helping Your Child Process Their Adoption

1) Protect your child's adoption story
As Christians, our spiritual adoption story is close to our hearts-God adopted us into His family and we love to share about it! But our child's personal adoption story is just that-personal. As their parents, we need to fiercely protect their privacy because it's their story to tell. (You can read more tips for protecting your child's story here.)

2) Don't Assume Attachment-proactively seek it
Adoption begins with loss. Every single time. The effects of loss and trauma differ from person to person but as an adoptive parent, it's imperative that we don't ignore our child's loss or simply assume that they will attach to us. We must proactively work towards connection with our child. An excellent resource about this is Karen Purvis' work at TBRI and her excellent book "The Connected Child." Very practical steps towards fostering attachment when your child is a newborn are the following: babywearing, being the primary one to meet their physical needs (feeding, changing, holding), kangaroo care, talking to them/singing to them, and learning what "red flags" to watch for so you can seek further help if your child is struggling in this area. 

3) Talk about adoption early, openly, and honestly with your child
It's difficult to express how important this is. It's imperative that your child know about their adoption story from early on. Make sure you're talking with your child about their adoption; whether or not they are bringing it up, they are most likely thinking about it. Many adoptees share that they are afraid to ask their parents questions about their adoption because they aren't sure how their parents will react or because they've gotten the vibe that it's an "off limits" topic. Be the first one to bring up adoption with your child and do it regularly. 

4) Listen to and support your child without trying to dismiss their pain or "fix it"
The thoughts and feelings that your child experiences as they process adoption will likely vary over their lifetime. Whatever they feel, sit with them in it. If your child expresses sadness or anger or confusion about their adoption, don't change the subject, downplay it, or argue. Be your child's "safe place" by showing them they can share whatever they are feeling and it will not change your love. It is gut-wrenching to watch our children hurt and even harder to know we cannot eliminate their pain. While we don't have the power to take it away, we do have the power to be their unwavering support.

5) Help your child develop a relationship with their birth parents if possible
If you have the opportunity to stay in contact with your child's birth family, do it! Giving your child the foundation of knowing the people who share a biological tie with them can be so helpful. Valuable research has shown that some level of ongoing contact with birth parents in adoption is extremely beneficial for adoptees. Whatever level of contact you have with your child's birth parents, be sure to keep your commitments to them and assist your child in forming a healthy relationship with them if possible.

6) Listen to/and learn from Adult Adoptees
It should go without saying that an adoptee knows much better what it's liked to have been adopted than someone who was not adopted! Seek out adult adoptees and listen to their thoughts and experiences about adoption. What adoption terminology do most adoptees find hurtful or offensive? What do you hear adult adoptees saying they felt their parents did well in helping them process their story? What do you hear adult adoptees saying they wish their parents did differently? Remember there is no "one-size-fits-all" perspective that every adoptee shares, but listening to their voices is invaluable.

7) Give your child opportunities to be with other adoptees
No one likes to feel like the "only one." Give your child spaces where they can spend time with other adoptees. If you don't know any other adoptive families in your area, ask your adoption social worker or pastor if they can connect you with another adoptive family near you, look into an "adoption meetup group," and search for an adoption support group near you.

8) If you adopted outside your race, humbly learn about your child's culture
This could be an entire post of its own and there are many excellent resources out there about this topic. Just to name a few ideas: search your heart for your own racial biases, learn from those who share your child's race, provide your child with racial mirrors, diversify your own life, confront racism head-on, learn how to care for your child's hair and skin, listen to the voices of transracial adoptees, advocate for your child. There is plenty of complexity to being a multi-racial family but there are also plenty of ways to actively help your child celebrate their racial identity.

9) Don't hesitate to pursue professional help if needed
There may be times during your child's life when you or they need outside help from professionals to provide them with all the tools they need to process their adoption. Your child may benefit from professional help as they wrestle through the thoughts and feelings they have about adoption. There is no shame in pursuing counseling! A licensed professional counselor who is trained in adoption-related issues and trauma can be an incredible asset in helping your child. Ask your adoption social worker for recommendations, look into practitioners who have been TBRI trained, and ask fellow adoptive parents for recommendations. If you don't find help with the first practitioner you try, keep looking until you find the right one.

Let's take seriously the responsibility we have as parents to help our children process their adoption by providing them with as many tools as we can along the way! 

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Parenting and Transracial Adoption: 6 Helpful Questions For Growth

  

    There are some people out there who simply love to learn; my husband is one of them. He gets energized by a syllabus, assignments, and pages upon pages of reading. Then there are those of us who are thankful we’ve put our school years and studying far behind us! But whether or not you are someone who enjoys learning, wisely parenting in transracial adoption requires willingness and commitment to pursuing growth.

    Why? Well, for starters, the stakes are high. We’ve been entrusted with the life of a child whose life experiences as a person of color will not be something we can personally identify with if we are not a person of color ourselves. In addition, most of us don’t come to adoption with much knowledge or awareness of how racial issues can impact life because honestly, we haven’t needed to think through it before, but our child will not have that option. And here’s the thing: we won’t magically gain the insight, knowledge, wisdom, and tools we need as parents of a multi-racial family. It takes humility to admit that we are desperately dependent on the Lord to help us learn! Like everything in life, growth doesn’t happen without the work of cultivating. As an Adoption Consultant, I've been honored to pray for and walk alongside many couples eager to dive into this work of growth. And in my own life, I've seen that committing to ongoing growth as a parent who has adopted transracially is crucial in the pursuit of loving my children well.

Here are 6 helpful questions for growth that we who have adopted transracially may benefit from asking ourselves regularly:

1) Do I appreciate and celebrate with my child God’s good design in creating people with many different colors all made in His image? 

2) As my child watches my life, do they see that I value those who look different than me through my friendships and my words?

3) In what ways can I better honor and nurture my child’s cultural heritage?

4) How am I seeking to learn from those who share my child’s racial identity about what it’s like to live as a person of color in America?  

5) What steps have I taken recently to grow in my understanding of ongoing racism in our country and how to work for change?

6) Am I relying on my own knowledge, or humbly going to my Heavenly Father to ask for His wisdom and help as I parent my child?

    Even though it's been over 8 years since we first brought home our son through transracial adoption, I'm not exaggerating when I say that we still have so much to learn. My husband and I are committed to ongoing growth. In fact, as I was writing this post, I was freshly challenged and I'm grateful for that! You and I will never reach a time in this life where we have nothing more to learn as a parent. Thankfully, there is an all-knowing perfect Heavenly Father, ready to pour out His grace as we look to Him. Let’s keep going to the Lord and faithfully continue the process of growth as we care for our multi-racial family!

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For more information about domestic infant adoption, please contact me!

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Diversify Your Child's Library

"It is time for parents to teach young people early on that in diversity there is beauty and there is strength." 

Maya Angelou

As an Adoption Consultant, pointing families to helpful resources is a passion of mine. Whatever color your family is or will become, diversifying your child's library is extremely valuable! This Black History Month, I'm thrilled to share with you 9 wonderful children's books written by black authors.  Though this list is certainly not exhaustive, the treasure of children's literature written by black authors is abounding. I hope this short list helps point you to a few great books to make your own family library more richly reflective of the beauty and strength found in diversity. 

1. "Love Gave" by Quina Aragon

Author and spoken word artist Quina Aragon beautifully shares the most important message we can ever hear-the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The poetic language and the stunning illustrations draw little and big readers alike into the majesty of what the Savior has done for us on the cross.

2. "God's Very Good Idea" by Trillia Newbell

The rescuing work of Jesus is on full display in this celebration of diversity by author and speaker, Trillia Newbell. Children are invited through these important words and vibrant pictures to discover God’s very good idea-to have lots of different people enjoying loving him and loving each other! 

3.  "Colorfull" by Dorena Williamson

Bridge-builder, speaker, and author Dorena Williamson's delightful story shows us that God made so many colors intentionally and beautifully.  Come alongside the children in this sweet book to discover and celebrate afresh how amazingly colorful our world is. 

4.  "Little Leaders" series by Vashti Harrison

Author, illustrator, and filmmaker, Vashti Harrison's Little Leaders series will inform and inspire. "Bold Women in Black History," "Visionary Women Around The World," and "Exceptional Men in Black History," share powerful stories of incredible history-shapers.

5. "I Am Every Good Thing" by Derrick Barnes

Best-selling author Derrick Barnes powerfully speaks to the beauty and brilliance of black boys. With every sentence and each scene, we see the priceless worth of their lives-they are truly every good thing. 

6. "Hair Love" by Matthew Cherry

This heart-warming book is based on the short film by the same name that won an Academy Award in 2020. As the title suggests, beautiful "hair love" is on display in these pages, as is the faithful, devoted love of a father for his daughter.

7. "Raising Dragons" by Jerdine Nolen

This is a sweet, magical tale about a young girl who has a special gift for training dragons. Jerdine Nolen beautifully takes children on an enchanted adventure that's sure to get their imaginations rolling!

8. "So Much" by Trish Cooke

Author Trish Cooke's award winning "So Much" is a joyful celebration of love and family.  The fun characters and delightful repetition throughout the book will charm listeners.

9. "Splash, Anna Hibiscus" by Atinuke

Nigerian author and storyteller, Atinuke, has created an incredibly lovable character in her "Anna Hibiscus." Readers will quickly find themselves connecting with this creative and energetic young girl as she learns about life and family.

(Note: By recommending these books, I'm simply doing that- recommending these particular pieces of children's literature. I don't necessarily endorse everything about each author or all of their works.)

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Whitney and Chelsea's Third Adoption Story

If you want to learn from adoptive parents who will teach you with humility and honesty, leave you feeling more encouraged, and point you to Jesus, look no further than Whitney and Chelsea. This precious couple has adopted three times and they have so much wisdom to share. I feel blessed to have walked alongside them during two of their adoption journeys and continue to learn from their faith. Their most recent adoption journey to their daughter wasn't easy, but as He always does, the Lord poured out His grace and His presence. Even when they walked through the challenge of an expectant mama they were matched with deciding to parent, they loved well and looked to the Lord with trust. I'm thankful that Whitney and Chelsea agreed to answer a few questions in this space. I hope you enjoy our little Q+A!

As you look back on your most recent adoption and specifically the Lord's care, what comes to mind?

This adoption took 2 and a half years plus. It was long, it was difficult, there was a failed adoption, money lost, hearts aching. But God was always near, He was always leading us, always steadying us, giving us faith to keep going, keep trusting. We believe He called us to do it, and we know He equipped us for it. He grew our faith in a great way by showing us He can be trusted at all times, and we never regret trusting him. "Without faith, it is impossible to please God." Hebrews 11:6

As you walked through adoption loss during this adoption, what truths did you cling to?

God is sovereign and He can be trusted. If He is in control of all things, working for my highest good; we can trust His good hand even when we do not know why or how or when. 

"He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him, graciously give us all things?" Romans 8: 32  He gives us His very best for us at all times, drawing us more near to Him and giving us more of Him-the greatest gift He can give. 

We can trust Him when we don't see. We asked God for faith to trust Him completely in this hard time. 

Habakkuk 3: 17-19 " Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. GOD, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer’s; he makes me tread on my high places."

My heart also sang the hymn "Great is Thy Faithfulness" daily. Over and over I sang it. He has always been faithful, throughout eternity. I know it full well. 

What did you appreciate about working with Katie?

This is our second adoption using Katie as our consultant. Katie has been such a great partner in the adoption process. People often ask us if a consultant is with the extra fee, or if they could just apply to specific agencies. Hands down I tell them it is the most fruitful help we have received in any of our 3 adoptions. Katie is in our corner, she is on our team, she is for us. She has provided counsel, encouragement, prayer upon prayer. She was able to help us think well about adoption birth mother situations, how to proceed during a failed adoption. She grieved with us during that loss, rejoiced with us when we rejoiced. Even after our adoption was complete, she connected us with therapists who could help us! She just really loves her adoption families. We consider her part in our adoptions so valuable and would trust her again anytime. 

What would you tell someone who is fearful about meeting their child's birth parent(s)?

God has grown our hearts over the last several years for birth family as we have walked through adopting our 3 children. At first it seems scary, there are other parents that love this child, what if the child loves them more? How can we share the responsibility of loving this child? But God has moved in our hearts and put great love for birth family there. It is an honor to know and love their family. We are so grateful for the love and care our children's birth family have for them, and know the true blessing of that for each child. Adoption plans are made with love for the child. They are considering the child's greatest good, like our heavenly Father does for us. 

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For more information about domestic infant adoption, reach out to me. I'd love to help!

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