Parenthood is beautiful and it is weighty, isn't it? As a Christian mama, I want to do all that I can to help my children learn what it means to find their identity in Christ. And as an adoptive parent, I also must take to heart the reality that my kids have another identity as well: that of an adoptee. When it comes to helping our children navigate and process their adoption, it's imperative that we provide them with tools to help them along the way. This takes intentionality and effort. But where do we start? The following is not an exhaustive list but is a great place to begin as you seek to help you child process adoption throughout their lifetime.
9 Tools For Helping Your Child Process Their Adoption
1) Protect your child's adoption story
As Christians, our spiritual adoption story is close to our hearts-God adopted us into His family and we love to share about it! But our child's personal adoption story is just that-personal. As their parents, we need to fiercely protect their privacy because it's their story to tell. (You can read more tips for protecting your child's story here.)
2) Don't Assume Attachment-proactively seek it
Adoption begins with loss. Every single time. The effects of loss and trauma differ from person to person but as an adoptive parent, it's imperative that we don't ignore our child's loss or simply assume that they will attach to us. We must proactively work towards connection with our child. An excellent resource about this is Karen Purvis' work at TBRI and her excellent book "The Connected Child." Very practical steps towards fostering attachment when your child is a newborn are the following: babywearing, being the primary one to meet their physical needs (feeding, changing, holding), kangaroo care, talking to them/singing to them, and learning what "red flags" to watch for so you can seek further help if your child is struggling in this area.
3) Talk about adoption early, openly, and honestly with your child
It's difficult to express how important this is. It's imperative that your child know about their adoption story from early on. Make sure you're talking with your child about their adoption; whether or not they are bringing it up, they are most likely thinking about it. Many adoptees share that they are afraid to ask their parents questions about their adoption because they aren't sure how their parents will react or because they've gotten the vibe that it's an "off limits" topic. Be the first one to bring up adoption with your child and do it regularly.
4) Listen to and support your child without trying to dismiss their pain or "fix it"
The thoughts and feelings that your child experiences as they process adoption will likely vary over their lifetime. Whatever they feel, sit with them in it. If your child expresses sadness or anger or confusion about their adoption, don't change the subject, downplay it, or argue. Be your child's "safe place" by showing them they can share whatever they are feeling and it will not change your love. It is gut-wrenching to watch our children hurt and even harder to know we cannot eliminate their pain. While we don't have the power to take it away, we do have the power to be their unwavering support.
5) Help your child develop a relationship with their birth parents if possible
If you have the opportunity to stay in contact with your child's birth family, do it! Giving your child the foundation of knowing the people who share a biological tie with them can be so helpful. Valuable research has shown that some level of ongoing contact with birth parents in adoption is extremely beneficial for adoptees. Whatever level of contact you have with your child's birth parents, be sure to keep your commitments to them and assist your child in forming a healthy relationship with them if possible.
6) Listen to/and learn from Adult Adoptees
It should go without saying that an adoptee knows much better what it's liked to have been adopted than someone who was not adopted! Seek out adult adoptees and listen to their thoughts and experiences about adoption. What adoption terminology do most adoptees find hurtful or offensive? What do you hear adult adoptees saying they felt their parents did well in helping them process their story? What do you hear adult adoptees saying they wish their parents did differently? Remember there is no "one-size-fits-all" perspective that every adoptee shares, but listening to their voices is invaluable.
7) Give your child opportunities to be with other adoptees
No one likes to feel like the "only one." Give your child spaces where they can spend time with other adoptees. If you don't know any other adoptive families in your area, ask your adoption social worker or pastor if they can connect you with another adoptive family near you, look into an "adoption meetup group," and search for an adoption support group near you.
8) If you adopted outside your race, humbly learn about your child's culture
This could be an entire post of its own and there are many excellent resources out there about this topic. Just to name a few ideas: search your heart for your own racial biases, learn from those who share your child's race, provide your child with racial mirrors, diversify your own life, confront racism head-on, learn how to care for your child's hair and skin, listen to the voices of transracial adoptees, advocate for your child. There is plenty of complexity to being a multi-racial family but there are also plenty of ways to actively help your child celebrate their racial identity.
9) Don't hesitate to pursue professional help if needed
There may be times during your child's life when you or they need outside help from professionals to provide them with all the tools they need to process their adoption. Your child may benefit from professional help as they wrestle through the thoughts and feelings they have about adoption. There is no shame in pursuing counseling! A licensed professional counselor who is trained in adoption-related issues and trauma can be an incredible asset in helping your child. Ask your adoption social worker for recommendations, look into practitioners who have been TBRI trained, and ask fellow adoptive parents for recommendations. If you don't find help with the first practitioner you try, keep looking until you find the right one.
Let's take seriously the responsibility we have as parents to help our children process their adoption by providing them with as many tools as we can along the way!
For more information about domestic adoption, please contact me at katief@christianadoptionconsultants.com
