Smiles and Tears: Adoption Joys and Grief

(Bear with the junky picture quality as it's easier to grab my iphone w/a newborn in hand than it is to grab my Nikon.)

When people ask how it's going over here, it's difficult to know what to say.  We're experiencing such a mixture of joy and sorrow all wrapped into one.

There is deep joy as I stare into Titus' dark brown eyes, amazed that he is really here, really with us after years of praying for him.  There are smiles as I hear Addie Beth talking to her little brother ("Titus, will you tackle me when you're a big boy?  Yes, I bet you will!") and smiles as I watch the three big kids fight over who can hold the baby next.  There is incredible rejoicing over this baby's life and the gift of having him in our family.

But do you know what else there is?  There is sorrow and there are tears because adoption isn't just beautiful-it is loss.  The very first thing that happened in my son's life was loss-he lost the only voice and presence he'd known for nine months.  Each day as I hold him and watch him grow, I am so aware that his birthmom is not holding him and not watching him grow.  It is heartbreaking to imagine her loss.

There is such joy in snuggling my sweet boy and kissing his soft skin and marveling at all that God did to bring him into our family.  There is joy in holding him close and loving him with such a depth that only God can orchestrate.

But there are also many tears as we grieve losing the twins.  Please understand, Titus is not "second best" to us or anything like that at all.  Titus is fiercely loved and we would not trade him for any child or children in the world.  But we still grieve the lives of the little boys we thought would be our sons.  When we were matched with the twins, we saw them as our children.  We planned and dreamed and imagined what life would be like once they came-much like we did with each pregnancy I had.  So not having them enter our family is like a death to us and it is certainly not erased by the joy of having Titus.

I wear my sweet boy throughout the day, holding him close and whispering to him, "We have always wanted you.  We have always loved you.  God has a plan for your life, Titus."  Sometimes I say it through tears as I think of the twins and their birthmom and wonder how she's doing.  Sometimes I say it as I smile and remember meeting him for the first time a little over five weeks ago.  Sometimes I say it as I cry for Titus' birthmom and wonder what she's feeling and thinking.  Sometimes I say it as I wonder what he will think years from now as he tries to make sense of out his adoption.

We have a lot of smiles going on over here and that's for sure.  But there is a lot of sorrow that accompanies the joys of adoption, too.  My comfort is knowing that God, the Author of adoption, understands and He relates.  His adoption of us into His family cost Him the very life of His Son.  That is a grief and sorrow unimaginable.  God understands that adoption hurts because it hurt Him, too.  He is my comfort and I pray that He will be Titus' comfort one day as well.

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Thankful

Our days are somewhat crazy but filled with fun. Four little people to love and cherish and cook for and clean up after. I still can hardly believe that this is our life...we are so blessed.

Titus fits so perfectly into our family.  It's incredible, really, how three weeks ago we didn't even know anything about him and now it's as if he's always been a part of us.  I could say it a million times-adoption is beautiful.

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Surreal

I'm sitting here holding Titus, feeling like I'm in some sort of a dream.  This is my baby.  The baby we've been praying for and longing for.  He's here...in my arms.  It is incredibly surreal.

Titus is our son and our hearts are so full, yet there is such a mixture of emotions as we pause to consider all that's happened in the last three weeks.  There really has been extreme emotions of sorrow and joy that have exploded in our hearts over such a short amount of time.

There's still a sorrow over the situation with the twins ending.  There's a mourning when I think of their birthmom and how much I miss talking with her and about the precious little boys that won't be a part of our family.  But there's an incomparable delight as I look at our Titus with gratitude and realize that he is everything we've been praying for!  There's an aching grief as we consider Titus' birthmom and all that she must be going through. There's a grief as I think about how I wasn't there for the nine months of his pregnancy, how I didn't get to talk to him in utero and tell him how much he is loved and wanted.  But there's awe and wonder as I kiss his little cheeks now and touch his soft hair and marvel that he is home with us.

These days feel very surreal, as if we're living in a movie or a dream.  Still, each morning, I wake up to the sounds of little baby grunts waiting to be answered with milk.  It is almost too much to take in...

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The Broken and Beautiful Path to Our Son: Part 3

We woke up late that Thursday morning yet still felt tired.  Few words were spoken as we got into our rental car and headed to pick up lunch before we went to the airport.  We sang a sweet song we'd heard on xmradio the night before.  "My God is Awesome, He can move mountains, keep me in the valley...hide me from the rain.  My God is Awesome, heals me when I'm broken, strength where I've been weakened, forever He will reign."  Rain fell softly on the windshield and we drove some more in silence.

I started wondering aloud.  "Why are we even here, Josh?  Isn't it just weird?  Why are we in Florida?"  He shook his head slowly and said, "I don't know."

A minute or so later, around 11am, my phone rang.  I looked at the name: Tracie Loux (our dearly loved adoption consultant) and my heart began to beat faster. "Katie, where are you?  Are you still in Florida?"  Now my heart beat wildly out of my chest.  "Yes...What's going on?" I asked as I started to tremble.  

"Ok, I'm literally shaking.  Katie there's a birthmom being induced in a couple of hours there in Florida and she wants to make an adoption plan.  Are you guys interested?"  I started crying as I relayed the info to Josh and we immediately said, "YES!"  "Ok, don't go anywhere!"  Tracie replied.  We pulled into the closest spot we could find to wait to hear more: Bruegger's Bagels.

As Josh waited in line for our food, I opened my Bible to Psalm 27 and prayed through the familiar verses again.  Soon we found ourselves emailing our profile to the attorney's office.  Someone from the office gave us a call to relay their initial conversation with the birthmom.  "I told her [the birthmom] all about you guys and your situation.  She said, 'I'll look at the profile but tell them to put a smile back on their faces. God does everything for a reason.'"  We could hardly believe what we were hearing!  A couple minutes later the amazing attorney's assistant called back and said some of the sweetest words I've ever heard: "Y'all aren't going back to Illinois."  I started crying and frantically packed up all of our things.

We just happened to be minutes from the attorney's office so we met her at Starbucks to take care of a few legal details, and then we hit the road to drive to Pensacola.  Just like that, two hours after we had heard about him, we were on the way to go meet our son.

Around 1:30 we got a phone call from our much loved attorney's assistant again.  "The baby was born!  He's 6lbs 15oz.  They will be waiting for you when you get there."  We were in shock and started to work on a name for the little guy.  We stopped once on the excruciatingly long 3 hour drive to go to the bathroom but we literally RAN to the bathroom and back to the car, refusing to waste any time.

After stopping to pick up some flowers, we met the social worker at the hospital and were taken in to meet our son's sweet birthmom.  Though she had known for months that she would choose adoption, God kept this lovely brave warm woman from making a plan until we were in Florida.  We loved our time with her; she is articulate, strong, warm, funny, and beautifully brave.  It was completely surreal to hear her excitement about choosing our family.  Then we went to a small room in the hospital and waited for the nurses to bring in our son.

Around 5:30pm, we saw our little boy for the first time.  Words can't describe all that we felt in that moment.

Only God can author a story like this.  Adoption is beautiful.

     I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD

                                                                                   in the land of the living!

                            Wait for the LORD;

                                                                           be strong, 

                               and let your heart take courage;

                                                                                                  wait for the LORD!

                                           (Psalm 27:13-14 ESV)

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