Bryan and Laura's Adoption Story: Joy Mixed With Pain

Wrestling with the complexities of emotion in adoption is difficult. There is this immense joy in being a mother to a precious child while being ever mindful of the sacrifice and sorrow of the first mama who made it possible. In adoption, pain is always mixed with beauty and that's definitely the case for adoptive mamas considering the loss that their child's birth parents experience.

Laura knows this complexity well. She's been journaling some letters/thoughts to her daughter's birth mom throughout their adoption journey about the joy mixed with pain. Bryan and Laura started with me in February, were home study ready in May, and were matched in August. I have loved watching them become parents but even more than that, I have loved watching the love that they have for their daughter's birth mom. Grab some tissues as you get a glimpse into the heart of an adoptive mama.

(Photo credit for all photos: Jessica Thompson)

To My Daughter's Mother (by Laura)

July 22
Today, I opened my e-mail and saw your face for the first time, and my soul just knew. I saw your smile, and your eyes, and read your story and my heart raced. There was no question of a doubt that God had sent you to me. When I had just lost faith, when I didn’t want to hear another no, there you are, waiting. I hope you feel the same, that you know in your heart we are meant to be a family. Every wrong turn and every no have led me to this moment.

August 16
My head is still spinning, and I’m sure yours is too. I cannot wait to hear your voice, to learn about your hopes and dreams for your child. I will probably cry on the phone, and be awkward, so I apologize. I love you and this baby more than you will ever know, and more than I can ever put into words.

August 17
I heard your voice for the first time today, and yet it felt like we had always known each other. Everything you hope and wish for your daughter (yes, it’s a girl) I wish for too. You told me that you always wanted her to know she is loved, and promise that she will. My job as her mother will be to ensure she knows how much you love her every day. My heart was breaking at the end of the phone call because you realized the reality of the decision you had made. I was at a loss for words because I cannot fathom the bravery or courage you have to have to make the decision to place your child in the arms of someone else. I can’t wait to meet you and hug you and welcome you to be part of our family.

September 5
Meeting you was one of the most wonderful experiences of my life. I was able to see first hand your wonderful heart, your loving smile, and gather stories that I can tell our daughter for her entire life. You seemed at peace with your decision, even though I was a nervous wreck and sweating all over. I was glad to learn that you also love tacos and dogs. When you slid those ultrasound photos to me, it was like you were handing me a secret. Something so precious, worth protecting, and an amazing gift. You let me keep them. I was once again blown away by your selflessness, and your willingness to include us in your pregnancy since we are on the outside looking in. Thank you.

September 17
When you woke up today, did you think your life would change forever? I know I didn’t. With moving due dates, and the craziness of life, I didn’t think she would come today. My heart stopped the second I saw your number, and I knew. What you didn’t know, though, is when you gave birth to that little girl, you gave birth to two mothers. The magnitude of that will never be lost on me. The second I get to the hospital, I’m going to give you the biggest hug of your life. If I could pour the love I have for your into your heart, I would.

September 18-19
I saw you holding your baby today, and my heart broke. I didn’t want to take her from you. I have no right to that precious little girl. She is all yours, your little miracle, yet you gave her to me willingly and smiled. You called her mine. I can’t imagine how your heart must have broken at that moment. The sadness and bittersweet moment took my breath away, and so did she. She was beautiful, fierce, and perfect, just like you. The time we spent in the hospital, watching terrible TV, eating terrible food and playing cards was nothing short of sacred. It was the creation of something new entirely. A relationship that was more meaningful and stronger than anything I had felt before. You told me it was a God thing, you finding us, and I cried because I had said the same thing a month before. All was as I pictured it. We told you her name, something I hadn’t dared to whisper aloud, because she wasn’t mine to name. Your face lit up, her name is a perfect combination of ours, and a living tribute to her first mother. Then came the time for you to leave, and I wept, and we held each other. You told me that you didn’t think she would want you in her life, and I about crumbled. I told you that our daughter will always need you, and I meant it. You have keys to who she is that I do not. You are part of the puzzle that makes up her story and tells her who she is. I promised to tell her you loved her everyday and I intend to keep that promise. When you left, I went to visit your daughter in the NICU, and I held her tight and whispered over and over that she was loved, and that she was loved by you.

The Holidays (Thanksgiving and Christmas)
I thought about you today, as I do most days, but today was particularly hard. The past three months have made me happier than I could ever imagine, but each wonderful moment with E, means a wonderful moment you didn’t have. The profound realization of what you have loss haunts me at times. It’s overwhelming, and the guilt that surrounds my happiness is powerful. I wish it wasn’t like this, not because I don’t love our daughter, but because I don’t wish this pain on you. If only there wasn’t so much brokenness in adoption, and if only my love for her and you could heal the loss you’ve felt.

December 27th
2016 has been my favorite of all years. It’s the year I became a mother and grew my family, which includes you. I can’t help but think of the juxtaposition of all of it. If I had to guess 2016 was not your favorite year, but rather a year of loss, and hard decisions. But, it was also a year of love for both of us. Love for our daughter, and love for each other. 2016 has taught both of us to be selfless, brave, and courageous. 2016 has taught me gratitude, restored my hope in people, and reaffirmed my faith in God’s plan. I hope that it has done that for you as well. I also hope that 2016 has taught you trust and that you know how loved you are by E, B, and me. There are no words to convey my gratitude and admiration for you. You and E are the biggest blessings to ever come into my life, and I would go through every no a thousand times over to meet you and raise this sweet baby of ours. You are always there, in my thoughts, in her bedtime stories, in her smile, in her eyes, in our prayers, and in our hearts.

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Eric and Madlen's Adoption Story: Wait With Purpose

Photo Credit for all pictures: KG Photography

I got to know Eric and Madlen as a fellow adoptive family during their first adoption. I was excited to watch God work His beautiful ways in their second adoption journey and let me tell you- the two processes could not have been any more different! Their second adoption was painfully slow, involved some serious heartbreak, and was just flat out a really difficult wait. But just like He always is, God was working even when we couldn't understand what He was doing. They refused to give up. They clung to the truth that He is faithful and they kept praying for Him to bring their baby to them. He is always, always, always faithful! And now this sweet family is a family of four.

Madlen shares, "We were matched Oct 17 and baby was born the 29. In God's perfect timing, my parents had just moved to our area a month before we got matched, so they were just 15 minutes away from us instead of 7 hours. My mom wasn't working, which made it possible for her to come with us when we traveled for our son's birth. She was able to watch our oldest while we spent time getting to know B's birth mom at the hospital. We really wanted our son, A, to be a part of the experience with us and he was able to do that because my parents had just relocated. It became just the perfect way for us to explain to him in more detail about his own adoption story! He finally started to understand the whole thing a lot better. He got to meet N before she went into labor and see that his little brother was in her belly. And he came into the room minutes after B was born! I got to spend some quality time with our son's birth mom; we cried, we laughed, we shared stories. It was hard and very emotional but also an amazing blessing! It was such a sweet time that I will treasure."

After their sweet son was born, Madlen shared these words with some fellow waiting CAC mamas. If you are waiting today, let it be an encouragement to your heart!

"It has been a very long and hard process! Many times I have questioned what God's plan was for our family. Were we meant to adopt again? Why was it taking so long? I have been angry, frustrated and sad. But God's timing is absolutely perfect! Our wait had a purpose all along although we couldn't see it.  Don't give up hope if you're waiting for your little one. Keep praying! Our baby is the best gift we could have received this Christmas. God has blessed us beyond what we deserve and we are just so amazed."

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Saying Yes To God This Christmas (guest post)

I'm excited to introduce you to this beautiful lady with a huge heart! I met Audra three years ago to talk about life and adoption. At that time she and her husband had one little girl and were praying for God to add to their family. It was such a privilege to watch God shape their faith and lives in their first adoption story. Now, three years later, their family has:

a 7 year old

a 2 year old

a 5 month old

and God has recently stirred their hearts to adopt their daughter's sibling due in February.

Yep. You read that right! This family has had their life radically turned upside down over the past three years. They know a thing or two about stepping out in faith to follow God's lead, even into the hard. Enjoy Audra's reflections this Christmas season on saying "yes" to God.

(Guest Post By Audra)

We have all heard the Christmas story, especially around this time of the year. The story of our savior born in a manger. Born on a silent night with angels singing in the background. Mary and Joseph looking peacefully down on their child who's is destine to save the world. It's told with such beauty and peace. What we don't hear is the difficulty that it took for everyone to get to that moment. The moment that was prophesied over, prayed over, and hoped for for years before. A moment that seemed too big to accomplish by such ordinary people. But it was accomplished and in that moment it was perfect and sacred.

An angel came to Mary and told her she would be with child. Not just any child but the Savior, Jesus. What a task.  One I can only imagine seemed unreachable and destine for failure.  She was betrothed to marry Jospeh, she was young and she was a women. So many things were against her accomplishing this moment. Mary could have said no, she could have had a normal life. But she didn't. She decided to have faith and trust that God would carry her through the tough times. Through the possibility of Joseph leaving her alone, through the many murderous attempts on her family and traveling with no place to stay when they reached their destination. Her son would be born in a stable, amongst animals and exposed.

The difficulty that it took for everyone to get to that moment could have prevented them from moving forward. But they didn't stop and they didn't let fear take over. They didn't allow uncertainty to keep them their destiny. They kept saying yes to God. Yes to hard times, yes to a different and crazy path, yes to love and yes to Jesus. Why? Because their their arms were open, stretched out to the sky, confessing their faith in God and his plan for their life. Whatever that may look like.

Recently we were given the opportunity to say yes to something difficult and quite crazy in some eyes. Were were asked to adopt the biological sibling of our second daughter, who also became part of our family through adoption. We also have a 7 year old and a 5 month old.  So you can see where our hesitation may come from. We had the chance to say no and we know that no one would have look down on us for that. We could have said no and had a normal and good life, a life serving our God. But we didn't want a normal life. We wanted and desired a life that requires us to solely depend on God and not ourselves. We want to say yes in faith when He asks us to step out.

So we said YES, a shaking yes but an obedient yes. Yes to Gods plan and ours. Yes to His Glory. Yes to this child. Yes to love on our precious Birth Mom. Yes to our daughter. Yes to crazy. Yes to the unknown and yes to help.

Saying yes to God and his plan doesn't mean life will be easy. Life in general isn't easy, it's very hard. Having faith doesn't mean an absence of doubt just as courage doesn't mean an absence of fear.  Its what you do with that doubt and fear that matters. Give it God and let him lead you.  The Bible is compiled of stories that we've all have heard growing up. These famous and heroic stories came from hard work, trials, crazy gestures, uncertainty, grief, sadness and bravery. The result-an amazing story that brings glory to the most high King.  I hope and pray our story will show others that mountains can be moved with just a mustard size seed of faith. We just need to believe.

(If you'd like to support and pray for Adam and Audra in their journey or read details about their "yes," you can do that here on Audra's blog.)

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One Birth Parent's Story: Jasmin

I'm so thankful for the birth moms and adoptees who have been bravely sharing their stories here in this space. This particular post featuring the thoughts of a birth mom (Jasmin) feels really special to me because I was the adoption consultant for the family who adopted Jasmin's daughter. Watching the adoptive family connect with Jasmin so quickly from their very first conversation and hearing them talk about how much they loved her and cared for her was really beautiful to watch. But it's even MORE beautiful to now hear from Jasmin about her love for them as well!

(This picture captures the gift of open adoption so beautifully, doesn't it?)

Q and A With Jasmin

What do you wish everyone knew about being a birth mom?
"To me being a birth mom is a wonderful blessing knowing that I was able to birth out a wonderful gift to bless family with. In my situation being a birth mom is not bad at all. I see it as God chose me to bless a family and to also gain a family as well."

What do you think is helpful about open adoption?
"Open adoption let's you still be able to watch your child grow, you get to see how they're doing and also stay in communication with the adoptive family and more."

What is one of the hardest parts of adoption? What has helped you get through the toughest parts?
"The hardest part about doing adoption is not having my family, a few of my friends (who I thought were my friends ) not support my decision to give my child a better home/life than I could give her.  It truly broke my heart to see them quick to judge and not believe in what they constantly preach about daily. For instance 'picturing themselves in someone else shoes if they were in that same situation.' What helped me get through those tough times was praying to God, talking/seeing my social worker/adoption agency, meeting the adoptive family I chose, and having my truly close friends by my side. Without them I would've been reckless. My social worker talked/texted me daily giving me encouraging words (she is like my second mom). My close friends stood by my decision throughout this whole process either they liked it or not they were there. Most of all speaking/seeing the most precious family. They really made my day because they understood my situation and why I chose to do adoption without judging me at all."

What is one of the best parts? What is your relationship like with your child's adoptive family?
"The best part about adoption is getting to speak/meet the adoptive family I chose. I remember my social worker telling me that they wanted to talk to me soon and that they were very excited. During that Sunday evening after work they called me. That moment was breathtaking and filled with excitement because for a moment it felt like I was being adopted too (lol). Just by talking with them that first night really really assured me that they were the family for my child. My relationship with my child's adoptive family is amazing. I see them as my second family-more like a family I never had. We check up on each other, even if we're busy; we always find time to see how the other is doing. I love them so dearly and I thank God for blessing them into my life each and everyday. They mean so much to me in every special way...I JUST LOVE THEM SO MUCH!!!"

Thank you so much, Jasmin, for your sharing your story with us! Your are a brave and loving mama and we're grateful for your thoughts.

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Rick and Kim's Adoption Story: Depths of Love

I love this family. They have some of the biggest hearts I've ever seen and they live their lives for Christ and His kingdom, even when that means loving when it hurts. God has given Kim a beautiful gift for words and I've shared some of her writing here and here before. I'm so glad that she was eager to share now about their experiences in bringing their daughter home. Rick and Kim started back withme  on July 2015 on their fourth (yes FOURTH) adoption. I think you'll find yourself loving this family, too, as you read Kim's words:

You would think we’d be comfortable and confident walking in to meet her. This would our fourth expectant Mom. But as we drove we talked hesitantly and anxiously about how our day would unfold. Would she give me a big hug like my son’s birth mother? Would she look away with tears in her eyes like the first time we went down this road? 

We didn’t know. And until we knew what she would be comfortable with, we settled on a reserved demeanor and overly wide smiles. Because despite how little we knew, we loved her already. And we wanted that to be clear. 

But we didn’t want to scare her. Because this love, for now, was a choice - a choice that would fill itself out with the proper emotions, in time. 

And in the back of my head, the wise words of my friend, Jill, kept running through my jumbled thoughts…

“Every instinct you have will encourage you to run to the baby. They’re cute. They’re vulnerable. They need you. But resist that urge and run to the Mom. She will never forget this moment. She may forget what was said, or exactly what happened. But she will never forget how you made her feel. Focus on the Mom.”

Four adoptions later, some borne out of tense situations, we still highly valued that advice. When emotions were high and trust was lacking, we remembered to “focus on the Mom.” In the end, how we showed her love; how we made her feel – would color her future decisions more than logic, promises and words. 

So we knocked on her apartment door and waited nervously to see the face of the young woman who might share the face of our daughter. 

This was how the journey to our daughter began - a trip to Florida to spend some intentional time with a woman in need.

But all stories have a back-story - and so does this one. This was just three months after our first failed adoption. An adoption we thought would take place under very different circumstances. 

We believed we would get a call when our son’s birth mother was in the hospital. We may or may not meet her. And while we were open to contact, we likely wouldn’t have any before the birth. But despite the lack of contact, she was “100% certain” that adoption is what she wanted.

It turns out adoption would not be her choice. And though we made it clear we would love to meet her, not to persuade her, but so that we could encourage her. Contact is not what she wanted. 

And as we headed home it occurred to us how much a relationship changes things. 

We had adopted under circumstances where there was little or no contact before or after the adoption. So when this baby boy’s story came across our computer it felt familiar. We felt like we were made to handle the uncertainty and the step of faith that this little guy needed. And, to be clear, we don’t regret at all that we drove our whole family many hours to Florida to await his arrival. Because love moves you to action. And this little guy was worthy of that.

But also because of that little boy, our daughter’s back-story would be full of valuable lessons in loving others well - at great cost. That little boy prepared us to be better parents to our little girl.

After a good, but a little awkward, weekend in Florida with our expectant mom, we headed home full of expectation and hope. She liked us. She could tell that we loved each other. We hoped that she could tell that we loved her. 

We spent the next two months texting occasionally and calling her once a week. And after what seemed like years, instead of weeks, we headed to Florida once again to see our expectant mom and to await the late arrival of our little girl.

With a scheduled induction on the calendar, I snuggled in to my bed at a too late hour after dropping my husband at the airport. He would rejoin us in a few days when little miss was scheduled to make her debut. Almost asleep, I got a text from our e-mom. She was having contractions. It was time!

I threw myself in the car, hitting a bush in the friend’s yard that we were staying at, as I drove to her side. The next 8 hours were a blur of anxiety and sleeplessness. It makes my head hurt remembering how tired I was.

It would just be our e-mom and me. I had never been through birth - I didn’t know what I was doing. And I don’t do particularly well with the sight of blood. I wondered if I might be a detriment instead of a help. But I was determined to love her as best as I could. 

She had invited me in to this sacred space. She was allowing me to see the birth of my little girl. But she was also giving me the opportunity to see her at her most vulnerable. It did not escape my attention that had I been in her shoes, I would hardly want the doctors there, let alone a relative stranger. And yet, she allowed me to hold her hand. To tell her I was proud of her. And though I tried to give her privacy, to see her at her most exposed - and most brave.

And though, like any momma-to-be, I worried about my little girl. Was she safe? Is she getting what she needs? I kept saying to myself,  “Focus on the Mom!”

So when my beautiful, and presently slimy, daughter took her first breath I marveled at being there from the beginning. She was the cutest thing to ever come from this messy and painful, and not-cute experience called birth! And I longed to hold her, and kiss her and whisper sweet promises in her ear.

But when they asked her birth mom if she wanted to see her or hold her and she said “No”. And when they asked me if I wanted to go with the baby, or stay, I confidently said, “I’m going to stay.”

Because our birth mom’s heroic and selfless acts had already started. And she needed a witness and an encourager in the process. Of course, she wanted to hold her daughter. Of course she loved her deeply. But her act of love was remembering what holding her baby girl would mean. And choosing not to hold her was in remembrance of what she wanted most for her. She was choosing to love her, by choosing to sacrifice.

And with tears in my eyes, I squeezed her hand a little harder, looked her in the eyes and squeaked out a “Thank you! You are so amazing! We love you!”

We spent the next 24 hours together - that brave girl and me. It was an unlikely scenario for relationship building - two almost strangers, in a dark hospital room, eating cafeteria food and watching bad television. But in that space I was able to communicate – I choose you. You’re safe with us. We love you no matter what you decide. For you, Love, we have much hope.

As her emotions and hormones swirled, I sat with her. I listened to her. I cried with her as the pain of her past spilled out of her too full cup. And that evening, despite the unlikely circumstances and the outside pressure that would pull us apart – I saw a prayer answered. I saw when her doubt turned to determination. I saw her fear turn to confidence. And I watched her walls melt in to trust.

I saw us become a family.

The next morning, as I helped her pack her bags, she asked if she could call me "Mom."

I hugged her tightly, put her in the back of a cab and said “Of course!” 

We headed to Florida in pursuit of a little girl - someone who needed us to care for her, love her; someone who needed to be given hope, clarity, and confidence. 

We left Florida invited to extend this to two girls in need. We gladly, but with much trepidation and dependence on the Lord, accepted this honorable role.

And in the process, we found that these sweet girls weren’t the only ones in need. We needed them. We needed to learn to be brave and vulnerable - to be sacrificial and strong. They taught us about the transforming work of relationship - and the depth of love that is shared when you’re willing to walk in another person’s shoes. 

We’re an unlikely crew, all of us. A family divided by distance and years - one that somehow thrives on text messages and mutual love for a precious little girl who is blissfully oblivious to her start in life. But I think it’s in the most unlikely of scenarios that God makes himself the most evident. And seeing Him show up is always worth whatever comes your way. Even if it’s bad hospital food, being awake for 36 hours straight, and wearing your heart on your sleeve so a precious woman can share her much-hidden heart. 

(To read more of Kim's story, check out this beautiful article that was published by Relevant earlier this year.)

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Jason and Annie's Adoption Story: From Discouragement to Rejoicing

Jason and Annie reached out to one of my wonderful adoptive couples (David and Sarah) back in August of last year to talk about adoption. As they began to explore whether or not working with a consultant was a good fit for them, we chatted on the phone several times, and I even had the pleasure of talking with Annie's parents. Right away, I appreciated how seriously Jason and Annie were taking the decision to consider the best approach for their adoption journey; they didn't jump in blindly, but wisely learned as much as they could. We talked about the benefit to having a consultant there as your support, to pray for you and encourage you along the way. We discussed the strengths found in applying with multiple agencies and attorneys to decrease wait time. We chatted about risks and about how I, as a consultant, help families cut down on them. And even more importantly, I was able to hear about their beautiful desire to become parents despite their difficult journey up to that point. It was clear that Jason and Annie had so much love to give!

At the end of September of last year, they got started with me and after a couple of delays in their home study process, they were ready to apply with agencies in February. Right away, I began sending them adoption situations to consider and they began having their profile book shown to expectant moms. Waiting to be chosen by an expectant mama can be an excruciating process. It's so difficult to hear that you are not chosen for a situation that you put your heart into and Jason and Annie were becoming discouraged.

Then, at the end of August, almost exactly a year from when they first started learning about CAC from David and Sarah, and about seven months after they had applied to agencies, they finally heard the words they had been praying for. They were chosen to become the parents of a little girl waiting for them at the hospital! They quickly rushed to their daughter and those months of anguish in the waiting were washed away as they gazed upon their beautiful child.

Here are some thoughts from Annie:

"The waiting process was hard for us as we had been waiting to have our first baby for several years.  We were discouraged when we were not chosen.  Some days we felt we would never get matched, but still had a little hope that we would soon have our baby.  Katie and our families supported us through each situation we presented ourselves to and gave us the strength to keep moving forward through each disappointment. At times, we felt like we wanted to give up but we kept moving on from each disappointment."

"Then, we were finally were matched with the baby we have always longed for. Our advice to families who are discouraged about waiting is to always have faith and hope that one day, they will get chosen. God has a plan for everyone at different times and we just had to wait a bit longer to get our little miracle.  As discouraging as it was waiting for several years to have a baby and several months to get matched, we feel so blessed and are absolutely thrilled about having our family complete."

"Katie was wonderful to work with during our adoption journey. She always supported us during the high and low times of the process and gave us hope that we would soon be matched with our baby. She has great knowledge of adoption and offered us prayers throughout our journey.  She also gave us several referrals from agencies and told us about one particular law firm that she felt would be great for us. We soon were matched with our baby girl from this law firm and couldn't thank Katie enough for referring us to them. We feel incredibly blessed we were able to work with Katie during our adoption journey and now have our beautiful baby girl as a part of our family." 

I am so grateful to have watched God work in this family's adoption story. Seeing their discouragement turn into incredible joy has been so beautiful! Jason and Annie stayed by their daughter's side through the long hard waiting of a NICU stay and just recently were able to come home as a family of three. God's ways and His timing are mysterious, but He is always up to good!

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Luke and Janien's Adoption Story

Luke and Janien started with me in November of last year. From the very start, they were an absolutely pleasure to get to know. I pointed them towards an incredible home study provider in their area and little by little, they got everything together for their home study. Meanwhile, I was busy creating their profile. (Here's a picture from their profile. Aren't they so cute?)

On May 11 their home study was approved and that very same day an attorney reached out about an expectant mama making an adoption plan. Luke and Janien quickly sent their packet to the attorney’s office and were able to have their profile presented! It’s pretty rare that an adoptive family gets chosen the very first time they present, but it does occasionally happen. Luke and Janien were exactly what this expectant mama was looking for! Just like that, they were matched.

They invested their hearts and time in the life of the brave mama they were matched with and four months later, their beautiful little girl was born. Congratulations, Luke and Janien!

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Ian and Ashley's Adoption Story: Look What God Has Done

You know how there are some people who stir your heart to love Jesus more simply by knowing them? That's how I feel about this sweet couple, Ian and Ashely. Watching God work in their lives as they followed His lead through the twists and turns of their adoption journey has encouraged and challenged my faith. As you read Ashley's words about their journey, I have no doubt that you will be encouraged as well.

Look What God has Done (by Ashley)

Adoption was always a distant, ambiguous, and fanciful idea for my husband Ian and I. It was a “maybe one day” type of thought, an “adoption is great, but we’ll see” sort of mindset. And honestly I can’t recall the exact day it changed for us. The day it became too close to our hearts to ignore, an assured desire, and not such a lofty idea anymore — rather a tangible, worthwhile pursuit. Never mind we’re a one income family, never mind the Lord blessed us with two children already, never mind we didn’t know where to start. We knew our Good Father had put this desire in our hearts accompanied with a peace that He’d work it out in His way, for His glory.  

And oh, how He did. 
How He has.
And how He will continue to do so.

Early on in our adoption journey we utilized social media as an outlet for updates, prayer requests, and fundraising efforts. We saved money and fundraised but began to grow discouraged as things did not go as planned. The Lord used Katie, a sound, faithful, promising voice to always bring me back to trusting in the Lord and His goodness when I started to forget. She told me a number of stories of these incredible adoption journeys, meant to encourage us in the trying road that is growing a family. I remember thinking that those beautiful and miraculous stories sounded too good to be true, there’s no way ours will be like those.

Ian and I began to reevaluate our fundraising efforts and the direction we’d take to adoption. We spoke to Katie about pursuing foster care and she encouraged us to follow whichever way the Lord was leading us and that she’d be with us every step of the way.  We completed every necessary requirement for becoming licensed foster parents and were waiting for our license. 

Then I got a Facebook message. 

My phone beeped on a Sunday morning while sitting in church. I silenced the alert and didn’t open it until walking into lunch. The message came from a cousin of mine. She saw on Facebook that we were pursing adoption and had a friend and co-worker who needed a family for her unborn baby.

A mere 28 days later a pink, whimpering, swaddled, miracle baby was wheeled into our room at the hospital 5 minutes from our home. “Mom and Dad, meet your son!” a nurse said excitedly. Look What God has Done was all I could respond as I fixed my eyes on his face. Today he turned 8 months old and I’m still staying and will forever continue to do so... Look What God has Done!

There were so many unknowns. We were especially nervous, scared, and admittedly fearful. Our 2 and 4 year old didn’t fully understand. We didn’t have a lot of money. We didn’t have a big house. We just had a YES and a determination to pursue this thing, and our child that God loves so much. Our journey didn’t go as planned, we adopted privately. We initially thought we’d adopt from an agency, then decided to foster and see where the Lord took that. We knew we didn’t have all the details figured out as we entered this process and honestly know the Lord took our YES and exceeded every expectation, perfectly consistent with His character and His love for adoption.

I posted on Facebook during the thick of our journey that if I had two words for the adoption process they’d be: emotional rollercoaster. A year later as I held our boy close to my chest and heart, Facebook reminded me of the post. I now choose two new words to describe the adoption process: worth it.

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For more information about domestic adoption, contact me!

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Adoptee Story: Sarah

I am so honored that Sarah was willing to share some of her story here. The way that God has worked in her life and heart and is using her to affect the lives of many others is breathtaking. I met Sarah several years ago when she was attending our church. Since then, she has gotten married and she and her husband live In Colorado where she is the Policy Director for Colorado Family Action, a non-profit associated with Focus on Family. She works at the State Legislature and in culture, specially seeking to change public policy in regards to abortion. (Much of what she shares below was originally posted on LifeNews. Those sections are in quotes. You can read that entire story here.)

Near to the Brokenhearted: By Sarah

"My mother’s pregnancy with me was difficult, both physically and emotionally. She was conflicted when it came to the issue of abortion. In the past, she had abortions and experienced deep regret. But she found herself in a place many women find themselves, afraid and confused. She decided to go to an abortionist in town because she was told he was a “cheap doctor” and that he could help her. To this day, I do not know if she intended to have an abortion or if she was simply seeking medical help; but I do know it wasn’t the abortionist’s intention to let me live."

"He induced labor and delivered me at six and a half months (twenty six weeks), breech, and when I was born I wasn’t breathing. He proceeded to tell my mother that if I survived, I would be a mental vegetable and incapable of having a normal life. Then he said it would simply be best to let me die. In those few seconds, he held my life in his hands and believed that he had the right to decide my fate."

"But to the abortion industry’s disadvantage, my mother said no. Once she saw my humanity, she couldn’t allow the abortionist to leave me for dead. My mother demanded that I receive immediate medical attention, and I was rushed to a children’s trauma birth ward in New Orleans where I stayed until I was strong enough to go home. However, this was only the beginning of a very challenging road."

"I wasn’t home too long before the Department of Children and Family Services began investigating my family. Social workers would drop by to find empty pantries, broken furniture, and absent parents. Because of the deplorable conditions, the youngest children, including me, were placed into foster care. I was only sixteen months old when I met my foster parents, Ron and Bobbie. They had no children of their own and desired to be parents. They were told I would be in their custody for 6-8 months, but in reality, they could get a call to return me to my birth family at any time. They didn’t care. They wanted me. They were in it for the long haul. Little did I know then, but this couple would save my life."

"A premature birth, coupled with extreme neglect, led me to be a sickly child, even to the point of contracting tuberculosis. Without treatment, it could have been fatal. Fortunately, my foster parents gave me their undivided attention and tended to my every need. Thanks to them, I escaped death once again. Despite the severity of the illness, I believe God used it for good because it allowed me to stay in foster care with Ron and Bobbie longer than expected. But with improved health at their home came the call they dreaded: I was to be returned to my biological family. While my foster parents were very concerned about my safety, I was excited. No matter what anyone may tell you, children will always love their biological family, regardless of how dangerous the situation. Sadly, even though I felt a deep love for my family, those were the darkest days of my life. In my biological home, simply making it through the day was a fight: a fight for safety and a fight to survive. "

My relationship with my biological family was incredibly painful growing up. The socio-economic situation my family lived in bred the unthinkable, such as abuse and neglect. I was my birth mother's seventh pregnancy, and after I was born, she went on to have three more children. All of us, at one point or another, were in and out of foster care/group homes, and our day-to-day focus was survival. Since I was one of the youngest in my family, I was one of the weakest - and my childhood goals were torn between finding a hiding place from the abusers in our home and finding food.

When I was returned to my foster parents, I felt great loss from being torn from my siblings and birth mother. I had to lean on God in these moments and relinquish questions I couldn't answer such as: Why couldn't my family stay together? Why couldn't my birth mother care for us the way she needed to? Why did God let this happen? I don't have answers to these questions even now, but I know that God saved my life through foster-care and adoption, and that suffering is a part of living in a fallen world. This may sound like a cliche answer, but God was able to work this truth into my heart over time.

Ron and Bobbie's dedication to my biological family was consistent and holistic even before they adopted me. For example, my foster parents (now adoptive family) brought my biological family food, clothes and daily necessities to help them get by. Since my birth family lived in one of the poorest areas of New Orleans, starvation etc. was a real issue. Also, their decision to take me in as a foster-child was one that came with significant risks and sacrifices. They were warned by social workers that my family was, well, troubled and I could be as well. Eventually, after nearly eight years, the state terminated the parental rights of my birth mother and I was released for adoption. Ron and Bobbie committed to be my parents forever, and I am honored today to call them mom and dad.

I believe my relationship with my adoptive parents and family couldn't be any better. I believe there is a false belief about adoption, even today, that somehow the child and parents will never feel like they really belong to their family post-adoption. This belief is especially embraced in cases like mine, where the child isn't adopted from birth. However, I believe that adoption is first and foremost God's work, and he can work in the hearts of all the people involved.  My birth mother passed away in 2011, but I am thankful that we were able to come to some reconciliation in our relationship before her death. I am also thankful that God was able to restore a few of my relationships with my sisters. Now I have a bigger family than I ever could have imagined. My adoptive family extends beyond my parents to uncles, aunts and cousins, all who took me in as if I was their own flesh and blood.

A critical part of my story is that I was introduced to Jesus for the first time by my foster parents. The timing of this was significant because I eventually had to go back to my birth family and live in that chaos as a young child. The good news was I reached out to Jesus in the darkest moments of my life - during starvation and abuse, and asked him to meet me there. I believe I survived largely because of my relationship with Christ. I encountered, in a tangible way, the suffering Savior of Isaiah 53.

If I could say something to adoptees who are struggling with processing their own adoption story, I would urge them first to cry out to God during times of doubt. As a teenager especially, I questioned many things about my story but looked to God to bring truth into my life. One of the most beautiful parts of the Gospel is that Jesus walked a path of suffering for US.  Moreover, scripture tells us that he is near to the brokenhearted and that we are blessed when we lose everything and are brought low. I can testify that this is true.

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Adoptee Story: Shauna

Shauna is an"adoption buddy" of mine. When we were adopting Titus, she was in the process of adopting their daughter and we encouraged and prayed for one another along the way. I so appreciate her heart to see her own life story as an adoptee and as an adoptive mama through the lens of the Gospel. Thank you, Shauna, for sharing some of your story here!

God Meant It For Good: By Shauna

When you hear of adoption we often say it's born from tragedy...and in my case that was the same. My life story started with heartache. When I was 4 my mother died and my father was unable to care for us. My brother and I went to live with our grandparents, who we did not really know. We lived there until I was 11 and life got messy. I was in foster care for a short time, then on my own and living with anyone who would take me in at only 12 years old. When I was 15 I went to live with my aunt and her family. This is where God orchestrated for me to have a family again! I was adopted by my pastor and his wife and it was life-changing. For the first time, I began to feel loved and know what that was supposed to look like. But unfortunately, because of past hurts and trauma it was so hard for my heart to receive the love and care I so desperately needed.

They were amazing and walked beside me through so many changes, hardships and healing! They were truly an example to me of Christ’s love, not loving someone based on how they act or if they deserve that love. They pursued me and fought for me even when I pushed them away, to show me I was safe and loved.

Growing up living with my grandparents was normal for me, but when that got misplaced was when I started feeling the hurt and pain of not having a “normal” family…a mom and dad who were there caring for me, teaching me and showing me love. And at that season in my life I felt so abandoned by everyone. However, some of those exact feelings of the loss was what drew me to the Hope of the gospel and a Father who loved me unconditionally. I had never experienced that kind of love before. In my testimony of God’s work in my life my favorite verse is from Genesis 50:20 where Joseph remarks, “what they intended for evil God intended for good!” And as I look back on my life, being adopted myself and now being an adoptive mom (and in so many other aspects of my life) I can truly see where God was weaving this redemptive story of GOOD from bad!!

For me, being adopted was one of the biggest things that caused my heart to want to adopt! When I was dating my husband that was a conversation we had on one of our first dates-that if he wanted to marry me he needed to know I would adopt some day. My heart’s deepest desire as we began our family was to model the love Christ has for us...and I believe that adoption is a big part of that.

We met our first son when we were missionaries at an orphanage for kids with special needs in Brazil. We fell in love with him and he attached to us right away! He was that one that had to follow me even to the bathroom! When our visas could not be extended we knew that it was part of God’s bigger plan to come back to the states and pursue adopting him. He was 6 when we brought him home and just turned 18. He has such a sweet spirit and we are so thankful that God has allowed us to be his parents!

We then grew our family by 3 biologically. I still felt our family was not complete, but after several miscarriages, we knew this was not the path we were on. Then the Lord heavily placed the desire of adoption on my heart again. And when I say that, I mean that kind of urgency where your hubby thinks you have gone crazy and you’re thinking everything should have been done yesterday!

We had some sweet friends who had just adopted domestically with CAC so I met with her to gather info...and as soon as my hubby was on board (a few weeks of praying) we began the paper trail. We were ready about 5 months later to begin presenting to expectant moms (where  they look at profile books and choose a family). It was such an exciting time! We had so many times that we put our heart out there praying this would be our yes....but so many times it was a "no." We were saddened but ultimately we were trusting God for his choosing and we were honored each of those times to pray for the moms as they made this difficult choice.

After about 5 months we got the call we had been waiting and praying for, "SHE CHOSE YOU!!!!” We were thrilled. We all can remember exactly what we were doing when we got that call 3 years ago! It was just a month until our expectant mama was due, and we were able to be there for the birth which was one of the most amazing and devastating things to witness at the same time. We brought home our beautiful daughter and she is such a joy and treasure to us! Then when our sweet girl was 6 months old we got custody of another little girl who needed a family; she was 2, and had experienced a lot in those 2 years.

Six months later we found out we were expecting! This was such a shock to us, due to many miscarriages and one that ended in a surgery, we thought we would not be able to get pregnant again. And then when that sweet boy was 10 months old, we got a call from our agency that our daughter’s birth mom had made the difficult decision again to place her baby for adoption. It was ironic timing... I had just been discussing to my girlfriends that day that God had grown our family in such fast exciting ways in the last 3 years and we felt as our family was complete...then this phone call! I just love the stories God creates so much more than my own. After a week of praying we again said "YES!" And were once again able to fly to be with our child’s birth mom and witness our sweet little girl being born into this world. She is loved by 2 women so much!

So, if you're still following that story we grew from a family of 4 kids to 8 in 2.5 years!! I hear the question often, “How can a birth parent love, if they are giving them up ?” My heart just breaks at this thought. Our family would not be what it is today if our 4 birth moms had not had chosen life and loved these little ones so much that they sacrificed their own hearts and their love to give these children what they thought was best! 

I think when I look at our family story or my own adoption story, the one thing I hope to portray, is that even though it is not always easy it is  SO, SO worth it! I cannot imagine our family any different than it is today! And we truly thank God for the ways he has grown our hearts through this process. We are honored for the privilege to love and raise all 8 of these precious ones he has entrusted to us. If you feel open to adoption I would encourage you to pursue it. It honestly has been the biggest blessing in our lives. And I would love to chat with you if you have any questions!

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One Birth Parent's Story: Karen

Karen and her husband, Dirk, are one of my sweet adoptive couples. Karen is a compassionate adoptive mom and she's also a courageous birth mother. When I asked her if she might be willing to share her story, Karen quickly responded, "I would be honored to share my story as a birth mom. I pray it will continue to speak to others! And I hope that it will shed light on the heart of adoption and a birth mother's love for her son/daughter." I count it such a privilege to share Karen's words with you.

Denial, Sacrifice, Freedom and Adoption: By Karen

Over twenty years ago, life was much different for me than it is today. I was a young girl living a secret life, emotionally and physically scarred, in a dysfunctional family. Today, I thank God for being my Rock and Savior. My scars have healed and turned into beauty marks and my emotional suffering has been set free through my faith walk with God!

I grew up in a dysfunctional family with a lot of hurt. I was sexually abused by a family member for many years. Even when it ended, I kept it a secret for a very long time. I didn’t know how to deal with it or whom to talk to. I felt like it was better off just keeping it to myself. The abuse led to me have an unhealthy view of males.

In my early teen years, I lived a sinful life of lust and unhealthy relationships, which led to an unplanned pregnancy at the age of 16. I was an athlete and an honor student in high school, completely ignoring the fact that my body was changing. I was in complete denial until a friend on the swim team approached me during swim lessons to ask me directly, “are you pregnant?” My immediate answer was “NO!”  She then took me aside and indicated to me that everyone was talking about me “showing.” The following day, she had a friend call her OBGYN and asked for his assistance to see me. I was in denial and scared. The doctor had no doubt that I was truly pregnant and began to ask me questions during the exam. That day, I discovered I was approximately 6 months pregnant. I was asked to go home and tell my parents. So, I did and of course they were not happy to hear this. My mom actually didn’t talk to me for a few days.

I felt many mixed emotions at this point in my life. I was only 16 years old, scared and alone, facing an unexpected pregnancy. I made the hard choice to place my baby for adoption. Although I was able to select a family to care for and love my child, I never followed through with sending photos to be kept at the attorney's office for my son to look at as he grew up. I was young and felt alone. I had no guidance to help with my emotions and therefore did not follow through with a relationship with my son or the adoptive parents.

For many years, I hid behind a wall of shame and guilt and acted as if my pregnancy did not happen. I buried it deep in my soul as the pregnancy was never discussed any further with my family or friends. I was alone with this secret of mine until about 10 years ago when I met my husband. Dirk accepted me for who I was and I was finally able to start breaking down that “wall.” As I shared with him my story, Dirk opened his heart for me in so many ways. He has been so supportive of me and the choice I made to place my son for adoption.

Through the years, I have been able to forgive my abuser for their actions and give my life to God. In the last 5 years my relationship with God has grown strong and he has encouraged me to share my story with family members, close friends and church leaders. I have also shared my story with other women that are facing an unplanned pregnancy by being a volunteer advocate at a non-profit Christian based pregnancy center. It has been with great joy and some heartache to share with others and help other women through their journey of becoming birth moms. I feel as if a heavy burden has been lifted off my shoulders and I am able to live a healthy and positive life by sharing my story. I truly respect and admire a birth mom for her courage of choosing life for her child.

Although I have had no contact with my son or his adoptive parents yet, I am actively pursuing to find my son and to meet him. There is not one day that goes by that I do not think of my son. I have loved my son since the day he was born and will never stop loving him. Though it has not been easy, I am thankful that my child was given a hope and a beautiful future. I know that he has been able to live a healthier life by the choice I made. I definitely look forward to the day we are able to connect with one another.

I have been married for 8 years now and we were blessed with our son, 5 years ago. After trying to conceive again for four years with no success, we knew that God was not done growing our family just yet. We knew in our hearts we had more love to give and we faithfully believed that adoption was the next step for us in order to grow our family of three. In August we adopted our son. We are so blessed that God brought him into our family! Each adoption is unique in its own way, bundled up with a special love for a child of God. Adoption has been such an important part of my life story.

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One Adoptee's Story: Maribeth

As an adoption consultant, I have the crazy amazing gift of walking with hopeful adoptive parents during their adoption processes. In this space, you'll often find me sharing their stories because those are the stories I know to tell. But the adoption triad is not just composed of adoptive parents. Listening to the voices of adoptees and birth parents is absolutely essential in the conversation about adoption. I am honored to feature some of those voices on my blog this National Adoption Month!

First up is my friend, Maribeth. She's been such an encouragement to me in our own adoption journeys. Several years ago, she shared her adoption story with our church community and I was one of many in tears hearing her speak. I am always struck by the way she views her own life story through a lens of love. Thank you, Maribeth, for sharing some of your story here!

The Face Of Adoption: by Maribeth

I have been blessed to know some amazing women in my lifetime.

Which isn't to say that I haven't known some amazing men, but today I want to share a story that starts with three specific women who have definitely had an impact on my life.

The first woman, I’ve never actually met.

In 1968, there was a very poor woman living in rural West Virginia. She had a houseful of children and a husband whose paycheck just didn't stretch far enough each month to provide for his family.

Oh, and there was another baby on the way.

Just hours after that baby was born, he was adopted by a grateful young couple.

The boy would become my big brother.

The second woman, I met very briefly.

In 1970, she was a young college co-ed who found herself "in the family way." Which meant that she was unmarried and pregnant. At that time, this was not as widely acceptable as it is in today’s culture.

As was commonly done in those days, she was sent away to wait out the remainder of her pregnancy, so as not to bring further embarrassment to her family. This is important, because the New Orleans institution called "The Protestant Home for Babies," arranged the adoption of her 2 week old baby girl.

That baby girl was me.

Which brings us to the third amazing woman about whom I need to share.

My mom.

For years my parents tried unsuccessfully to conceive a child. In 1968 they adopted a beautiful baby boy through private adoption.

See, Dr. Irvin was not only the doctor who assisted that first woman with her pregnancy, but he was my grandfather's best friend. Dr. Irvin and an attorney made all the arrangements for the adoption.

A few years later, my parents wanted to grow their family, so they sought out an adoption agency. My parents were told that most families do not receive multiple babies and that they really shouldn't get their hopes up.

My mother always told me about the day the agency phoned to tell them about the baby girl that had just been born and how, in the counselor’s words, "you are the perfect family for her and if you want her, she's yours!". There was no moment hesitation for my parents.

The day my big brother met me, the first thing he did was to count my fingers and toes to make sure I was all there. He's been keeping tabs on me like that for 43 years now.

There is no doubt of God's hand on both of these adoptions.

It was no coincidence that Dr. Irvin was placed in a position to help a family in a desperate situation provide a son for my parents who were desperate for a child.

Again, it was no coincidence that a college co-ed left all alone to deal with her unplanned pregnancy was shipped off to New Orleans because that is where my dad's company had recently transferred him.

God selected very specific parents for my brother, Eric, and me. They raised us in a very open, loving, and supportive Christian home.

From the earliest moments, we were told about our adoptions.

Adoption was always presented in a beautiful and loving manner. Never shameful or ugly, but a sacrificial act of love from one mother (or family) to another.

Our birthmothers were always praised and held in high regard. It was clear that our birthmothers made extremely loving and selfless sacrifices in tough situations to provide us with the best opportunities they could.

Even if it meant...placing us for adoption.

I am so glad that our parents provided us with such positive images of adoption.

It came in handy when neighborhood bullies would spew hateful comments that I "wasn't wanted" and that I "had been given away". Or even when thoughtless adults would imply that the parents who raised us from birth somehow weren't our "real parents". (That happened just last year.)

Luckily, my little mommy always told me that I was "chosen, loved, and wanted by my family".

I was raised with a very healthy and open view of my adoption...and I see that it is a HUGE part of who I am.

Over the years, Greg and I have discussed the possibility of adopting a child. We don't know if it is God's will for our family or not, but we are definitely still open to it.

There is so much more to my story than I can squeeze into this segment of time. If you find yourself wanting to discuss or ask questions, I welcome the opportunity to talk about adoption with you!

The image(s) that most people have when they think of adoption are the sweet little children. But remember...

I am the face of adoption.

I am chosen.
I am loved.

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Sean and Jenny's Adoption Story: Prayers With Specific Answers

God put a very specific desire in Sean and Jenny’s hearts and watching Him move in their adoption story has been such a privilege!

I had a phone call with Sean and Jenny back in January of last year where they shared with me about their desire to adopt a child with Latin American decent, in particular from Honduras. Jenny runs a beautiful non-profit there and they have huge hearts for the people of Honduras. I told them that it wasn’t very common for infant adoption situations to pop up in the U.S. involving Honduran decent, but that we could all pray! And we did.

They got started with me and began working on their home study while I created their family profile book. Fast forward to June. An agency reached out about a baby boy who had already been born and his brave birth mama wanted to make an adoption plan. Due to specific laws, the agency needed a family from one specific state. That state just happened to be where Sean and Jenny lived. And that baby just happened to be El Salvadoran (in Jenny’s words, “About as close to Honduras as you can get!”). They formed a beautiful relationship with their son’s birthmother and are even able to communicate with her in Spanish. How amazing is God?!

Jenny wrote about their story on her blog and I’m grateful for the chance to share part of it here with you:

"There is much joy in adoption but it’s impossible to overlook the fact that adoption cannot exist without brokenness and pain.  There were times in the four days between when we heard about him and when he came home with us that I thought I would crack under the weight of this brokenness.  I always play the role of comforter and fixer for those who suffer.  In this, I was acutely aware that this momentous occasion that was about to bring us so much joy was also going to cause this beautiful woman who carried our little L in her womb inexplicable pain. It was paralyzing."

"He was three weeks old when he became ours.  For those first three weeks, he was with her.  And he was so loved. It can be easy to judge where he came from.  It’s sadly natural to think of the woman in these stories who gave life in terms of weaknesses, character flaws or cowardice.  Having now walked this road, I’m blown away by just how false this is.  She is one of the strongest and most selfless people I have met.  She carried this child for 9 months when there were other options.  She bonded with this child but remained resolute in her desire for this child she loves to have a life that she cannot currently provide."

"I never ever thought that when we adopted a child, his biological mom would become one of my heroes.  That I would aspire to be more like her. This is the legacy that we want L to own.  That the decision she made was the result of her aching love for him.  That he is so incredibly worthy.  And that the presence of pain doesn’t mean there is a lack of love.  Because for this little one? We’re all bursting with it."

Isn't God is so personal in His care for us? The way that He so very specifically answered the cries of Sean and Jenny's hearts blows me away. God knit their hearts together with their son's birth mama's heart and as Jenny said it so beautifully, they are all bursting with love for him!

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For more information about adoption, reach out to me. I'd love to chat!

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Adoptive Families and Happy Fall 2016

Adorable kids in cute costumes? What's not to love! Happy Fall 2016 from some of my wonderful adoptive families!

Please contact me for more info about adoption!

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