Ian and Ashley's Adoption Story: Look What God Has Done

You know how there are some people who stir your heart to love Jesus more simply by knowing them? That's how I feel about this sweet couple, Ian and Ashely. Watching God work in their lives as they followed His lead through the twists and turns of their adoption journey has encouraged and challenged my faith. As you read Ashley's words about their journey, I have no doubt that you will be encouraged as well.

Look What God has Done (by Ashley)

Adoption was always a distant, ambiguous, and fanciful idea for my husband Ian and I. It was a “maybe one day” type of thought, an “adoption is great, but we’ll see” sort of mindset. And honestly I can’t recall the exact day it changed for us. The day it became too close to our hearts to ignore, an assured desire, and not such a lofty idea anymore — rather a tangible, worthwhile pursuit. Never mind we’re a one income family, never mind the Lord blessed us with two children already, never mind we didn’t know where to start. We knew our Good Father had put this desire in our hearts accompanied with a peace that He’d work it out in His way, for His glory.  

And oh, how He did. 
How He has.
And how He will continue to do so.

Early on in our adoption journey we utilized social media as an outlet for updates, prayer requests, and fundraising efforts. We saved money and fundraised but began to grow discouraged as things did not go as planned. The Lord used Katie, a sound, faithful, promising voice to always bring me back to trusting in the Lord and His goodness when I started to forget. She told me a number of stories of these incredible adoption journeys, meant to encourage us in the trying road that is growing a family. I remember thinking that those beautiful and miraculous stories sounded too good to be true, there’s no way ours will be like those.

Ian and I began to reevaluate our fundraising efforts and the direction we’d take to adoption. We spoke to Katie about pursuing foster care and she encouraged us to follow whichever way the Lord was leading us and that she’d be with us every step of the way.  We completed every necessary requirement for becoming licensed foster parents and were waiting for our license. 

Then I got a Facebook message. 

My phone beeped on a Sunday morning while sitting in church. I silenced the alert and didn’t open it until walking into lunch. The message came from a cousin of mine. She saw on Facebook that we were pursing adoption and had a friend and co-worker who needed a family for her unborn baby.

A mere 28 days later a pink, whimpering, swaddled, miracle baby was wheeled into our room at the hospital 5 minutes from our home. “Mom and Dad, meet your son!” a nurse said excitedly. Look What God has Done was all I could respond as I fixed my eyes on his face. Today he turned 8 months old and I’m still staying and will forever continue to do so... Look What God has Done!

There were so many unknowns. We were especially nervous, scared, and admittedly fearful. Our 2 and 4 year old didn’t fully understand. We didn’t have a lot of money. We didn’t have a big house. We just had a YES and a determination to pursue this thing, and our child that God loves so much. Our journey didn’t go as planned, we adopted privately. We initially thought we’d adopt from an agency, then decided to foster and see where the Lord took that. We knew we didn’t have all the details figured out as we entered this process and honestly know the Lord took our YES and exceeded every expectation, perfectly consistent with His character and His love for adoption.

I posted on Facebook during the thick of our journey that if I had two words for the adoption process they’d be: emotional rollercoaster. A year later as I held our boy close to my chest and heart, Facebook reminded me of the post. I now choose two new words to describe the adoption process: worth it.

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Adoptee Story: Sarah

I am so honored that Sarah was willing to share some of her story here. The way that God has worked in her life and heart and is using her to affect the lives of many others is breathtaking. I met Sarah several years ago when she was attending our church. Since then, she has gotten married and she and her husband live In Colorado where she is the Policy Director for Colorado Family Action, a non-profit associated with Focus on Family. She works at the State Legislature and in culture, specially seeking to change public policy in regards to abortion. (Much of what she shares below was originally posted on LifeNews. Those sections are in quotes. You can read that entire story here.)

Near to the Brokenhearted: By Sarah

"My mother’s pregnancy with me was difficult, both physically and emotionally. She was conflicted when it came to the issue of abortion. In the past, she had abortions and experienced deep regret. But she found herself in a place many women find themselves, afraid and confused. She decided to go to an abortionist in town because she was told he was a “cheap doctor” and that he could help her. To this day, I do not know if she intended to have an abortion or if she was simply seeking medical help; but I do know it wasn’t the abortionist’s intention to let me live."

"He induced labor and delivered me at six and a half months (twenty six weeks), breech, and when I was born I wasn’t breathing. He proceeded to tell my mother that if I survived, I would be a mental vegetable and incapable of having a normal life. Then he said it would simply be best to let me die. In those few seconds, he held my life in his hands and believed that he had the right to decide my fate."

"But to the abortion industry’s disadvantage, my mother said no. Once she saw my humanity, she couldn’t allow the abortionist to leave me for dead. My mother demanded that I receive immediate medical attention, and I was rushed to a children’s trauma birth ward in New Orleans where I stayed until I was strong enough to go home. However, this was only the beginning of a very challenging road."

"I wasn’t home too long before the Department of Children and Family Services began investigating my family. Social workers would drop by to find empty pantries, broken furniture, and absent parents. Because of the deplorable conditions, the youngest children, including me, were placed into foster care. I was only sixteen months old when I met my foster parents, Ron and Bobbie. They had no children of their own and desired to be parents. They were told I would be in their custody for 6-8 months, but in reality, they could get a call to return me to my birth family at any time. They didn’t care. They wanted me. They were in it for the long haul. Little did I know then, but this couple would save my life."

"A premature birth, coupled with extreme neglect, led me to be a sickly child, even to the point of contracting tuberculosis. Without treatment, it could have been fatal. Fortunately, my foster parents gave me their undivided attention and tended to my every need. Thanks to them, I escaped death once again. Despite the severity of the illness, I believe God used it for good because it allowed me to stay in foster care with Ron and Bobbie longer than expected. But with improved health at their home came the call they dreaded: I was to be returned to my biological family. While my foster parents were very concerned about my safety, I was excited. No matter what anyone may tell you, children will always love their biological family, regardless of how dangerous the situation. Sadly, even though I felt a deep love for my family, those were the darkest days of my life. In my biological home, simply making it through the day was a fight: a fight for safety and a fight to survive. "

My relationship with my biological family was incredibly painful growing up. The socio-economic situation my family lived in bred the unthinkable, such as abuse and neglect. I was my birth mother's seventh pregnancy, and after I was born, she went on to have three more children. All of us, at one point or another, were in and out of foster care/group homes, and our day-to-day focus was survival. Since I was one of the youngest in my family, I was one of the weakest - and my childhood goals were torn between finding a hiding place from the abusers in our home and finding food.

When I was returned to my foster parents, I felt great loss from being torn from my siblings and birth mother. I had to lean on God in these moments and relinquish questions I couldn't answer such as: Why couldn't my family stay together? Why couldn't my birth mother care for us the way she needed to? Why did God let this happen? I don't have answers to these questions even now, but I know that God saved my life through foster-care and adoption, and that suffering is a part of living in a fallen world. This may sound like a cliche answer, but God was able to work this truth into my heart over time.

Ron and Bobbie's dedication to my biological family was consistent and holistic even before they adopted me. For example, my foster parents (now adoptive family) brought my biological family food, clothes and daily necessities to help them get by. Since my birth family lived in one of the poorest areas of New Orleans, starvation etc. was a real issue. Also, their decision to take me in as a foster-child was one that came with significant risks and sacrifices. They were warned by social workers that my family was, well, troubled and I could be as well. Eventually, after nearly eight years, the state terminated the parental rights of my birth mother and I was released for adoption. Ron and Bobbie committed to be my parents forever, and I am honored today to call them mom and dad.

I believe my relationship with my adoptive parents and family couldn't be any better. I believe there is a false belief about adoption, even today, that somehow the child and parents will never feel like they really belong to their family post-adoption. This belief is especially embraced in cases like mine, where the child isn't adopted from birth. However, I believe that adoption is first and foremost God's work, and he can work in the hearts of all the people involved.  My birth mother passed away in 2011, but I am thankful that we were able to come to some reconciliation in our relationship before her death. I am also thankful that God was able to restore a few of my relationships with my sisters. Now I have a bigger family than I ever could have imagined. My adoptive family extends beyond my parents to uncles, aunts and cousins, all who took me in as if I was their own flesh and blood.

A critical part of my story is that I was introduced to Jesus for the first time by my foster parents. The timing of this was significant because I eventually had to go back to my birth family and live in that chaos as a young child. The good news was I reached out to Jesus in the darkest moments of my life - during starvation and abuse, and asked him to meet me there. I believe I survived largely because of my relationship with Christ. I encountered, in a tangible way, the suffering Savior of Isaiah 53.

If I could say something to adoptees who are struggling with processing their own adoption story, I would urge them first to cry out to God during times of doubt. As a teenager especially, I questioned many things about my story but looked to God to bring truth into my life. One of the most beautiful parts of the Gospel is that Jesus walked a path of suffering for US.  Moreover, scripture tells us that he is near to the brokenhearted and that we are blessed when we lose everything and are brought low. I can testify that this is true.

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Adoptee Story: Shauna

Shauna is an"adoption buddy" of mine. When we were adopting Titus, she was in the process of adopting their daughter and we encouraged and prayed for one another along the way. I so appreciate her heart to see her own life story as an adoptee and as an adoptive mama through the lens of the Gospel. Thank you, Shauna, for sharing some of your story here!

God Meant It For Good: By Shauna

When you hear of adoption we often say it's born from tragedy...and in my case that was the same. My life story started with heartache. When I was 4 my mother died and my father was unable to care for us. My brother and I went to live with our grandparents, who we did not really know. We lived there until I was 11 and life got messy. I was in foster care for a short time, then on my own and living with anyone who would take me in at only 12 years old. When I was 15 I went to live with my aunt and her family. This is where God orchestrated for me to have a family again! I was adopted by my pastor and his wife and it was life-changing. For the first time, I began to feel loved and know what that was supposed to look like. But unfortunately, because of past hurts and trauma it was so hard for my heart to receive the love and care I so desperately needed.

They were amazing and walked beside me through so many changes, hardships and healing! They were truly an example to me of Christ’s love, not loving someone based on how they act or if they deserve that love. They pursued me and fought for me even when I pushed them away, to show me I was safe and loved.

Growing up living with my grandparents was normal for me, but when that got misplaced was when I started feeling the hurt and pain of not having a “normal” family…a mom and dad who were there caring for me, teaching me and showing me love. And at that season in my life I felt so abandoned by everyone. However, some of those exact feelings of the loss was what drew me to the Hope of the gospel and a Father who loved me unconditionally. I had never experienced that kind of love before. In my testimony of God’s work in my life my favorite verse is from Genesis 50:20 where Joseph remarks, “what they intended for evil God intended for good!” And as I look back on my life, being adopted myself and now being an adoptive mom (and in so many other aspects of my life) I can truly see where God was weaving this redemptive story of GOOD from bad!!

For me, being adopted was one of the biggest things that caused my heart to want to adopt! When I was dating my husband that was a conversation we had on one of our first dates-that if he wanted to marry me he needed to know I would adopt some day. My heart’s deepest desire as we began our family was to model the love Christ has for us...and I believe that adoption is a big part of that.

We met our first son when we were missionaries at an orphanage for kids with special needs in Brazil. We fell in love with him and he attached to us right away! He was that one that had to follow me even to the bathroom! When our visas could not be extended we knew that it was part of God’s bigger plan to come back to the states and pursue adopting him. He was 6 when we brought him home and just turned 18. He has such a sweet spirit and we are so thankful that God has allowed us to be his parents!

We then grew our family by 3 biologically. I still felt our family was not complete, but after several miscarriages, we knew this was not the path we were on. Then the Lord heavily placed the desire of adoption on my heart again. And when I say that, I mean that kind of urgency where your hubby thinks you have gone crazy and you’re thinking everything should have been done yesterday!

We had some sweet friends who had just adopted domestically with CAC so I met with her to gather info...and as soon as my hubby was on board (a few weeks of praying) we began the paper trail. We were ready about 5 months later to begin presenting to expectant moms (where  they look at profile books and choose a family). It was such an exciting time! We had so many times that we put our heart out there praying this would be our yes....but so many times it was a "no." We were saddened but ultimately we were trusting God for his choosing and we were honored each of those times to pray for the moms as they made this difficult choice.

After about 5 months we got the call we had been waiting and praying for, "SHE CHOSE YOU!!!!” We were thrilled. We all can remember exactly what we were doing when we got that call 3 years ago! It was just a month until our expectant mama was due, and we were able to be there for the birth which was one of the most amazing and devastating things to witness at the same time. We brought home our beautiful daughter and she is such a joy and treasure to us! Then when our sweet girl was 6 months old we got custody of another little girl who needed a family; she was 2, and had experienced a lot in those 2 years.

Six months later we found out we were expecting! This was such a shock to us, due to many miscarriages and one that ended in a surgery, we thought we would not be able to get pregnant again. And then when that sweet boy was 10 months old, we got a call from our agency that our daughter’s birth mom had made the difficult decision again to place her baby for adoption. It was ironic timing... I had just been discussing to my girlfriends that day that God had grown our family in such fast exciting ways in the last 3 years and we felt as our family was complete...then this phone call! I just love the stories God creates so much more than my own. After a week of praying we again said "YES!" And were once again able to fly to be with our child’s birth mom and witness our sweet little girl being born into this world. She is loved by 2 women so much!

So, if you're still following that story we grew from a family of 4 kids to 8 in 2.5 years!! I hear the question often, “How can a birth parent love, if they are giving them up ?” My heart just breaks at this thought. Our family would not be what it is today if our 4 birth moms had not had chosen life and loved these little ones so much that they sacrificed their own hearts and their love to give these children what they thought was best! 

I think when I look at our family story or my own adoption story, the one thing I hope to portray, is that even though it is not always easy it is  SO, SO worth it! I cannot imagine our family any different than it is today! And we truly thank God for the ways he has grown our hearts through this process. We are honored for the privilege to love and raise all 8 of these precious ones he has entrusted to us. If you feel open to adoption I would encourage you to pursue it. It honestly has been the biggest blessing in our lives. And I would love to chat with you if you have any questions!

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One Birth Parent's Story: Karen

Karen and her husband, Dirk, are one of my sweet adoptive couples. Karen is a compassionate adoptive mom and she's also a courageous birth mother. When I asked her if she might be willing to share her story, Karen quickly responded, "I would be honored to share my story as a birth mom. I pray it will continue to speak to others! And I hope that it will shed light on the heart of adoption and a birth mother's love for her son/daughter." I count it such a privilege to share Karen's words with you.

Denial, Sacrifice, Freedom and Adoption: By Karen

Over twenty years ago, life was much different for me than it is today. I was a young girl living a secret life, emotionally and physically scarred, in a dysfunctional family. Today, I thank God for being my Rock and Savior. My scars have healed and turned into beauty marks and my emotional suffering has been set free through my faith walk with God!

I grew up in a dysfunctional family with a lot of hurt. I was sexually abused by a family member for many years. Even when it ended, I kept it a secret for a very long time. I didn’t know how to deal with it or whom to talk to. I felt like it was better off just keeping it to myself. The abuse led to me have an unhealthy view of males.

In my early teen years, I lived a sinful life of lust and unhealthy relationships, which led to an unplanned pregnancy at the age of 16. I was an athlete and an honor student in high school, completely ignoring the fact that my body was changing. I was in complete denial until a friend on the swim team approached me during swim lessons to ask me directly, “are you pregnant?” My immediate answer was “NO!”  She then took me aside and indicated to me that everyone was talking about me “showing.” The following day, she had a friend call her OBGYN and asked for his assistance to see me. I was in denial and scared. The doctor had no doubt that I was truly pregnant and began to ask me questions during the exam. That day, I discovered I was approximately 6 months pregnant. I was asked to go home and tell my parents. So, I did and of course they were not happy to hear this. My mom actually didn’t talk to me for a few days.

I felt many mixed emotions at this point in my life. I was only 16 years old, scared and alone, facing an unexpected pregnancy. I made the hard choice to place my baby for adoption. Although I was able to select a family to care for and love my child, I never followed through with sending photos to be kept at the attorney's office for my son to look at as he grew up. I was young and felt alone. I had no guidance to help with my emotions and therefore did not follow through with a relationship with my son or the adoptive parents.

For many years, I hid behind a wall of shame and guilt and acted as if my pregnancy did not happen. I buried it deep in my soul as the pregnancy was never discussed any further with my family or friends. I was alone with this secret of mine until about 10 years ago when I met my husband. Dirk accepted me for who I was and I was finally able to start breaking down that “wall.” As I shared with him my story, Dirk opened his heart for me in so many ways. He has been so supportive of me and the choice I made to place my son for adoption.

Through the years, I have been able to forgive my abuser for their actions and give my life to God. In the last 5 years my relationship with God has grown strong and he has encouraged me to share my story with family members, close friends and church leaders. I have also shared my story with other women that are facing an unplanned pregnancy by being a volunteer advocate at a non-profit Christian based pregnancy center. It has been with great joy and some heartache to share with others and help other women through their journey of becoming birth moms. I feel as if a heavy burden has been lifted off my shoulders and I am able to live a healthy and positive life by sharing my story. I truly respect and admire a birth mom for her courage of choosing life for her child.

Although I have had no contact with my son or his adoptive parents yet, I am actively pursuing to find my son and to meet him. There is not one day that goes by that I do not think of my son. I have loved my son since the day he was born and will never stop loving him. Though it has not been easy, I am thankful that my child was given a hope and a beautiful future. I know that he has been able to live a healthier life by the choice I made. I definitely look forward to the day we are able to connect with one another.

I have been married for 8 years now and we were blessed with our son, 5 years ago. After trying to conceive again for four years with no success, we knew that God was not done growing our family just yet. We knew in our hearts we had more love to give and we faithfully believed that adoption was the next step for us in order to grow our family of three. In August we adopted our son. We are so blessed that God brought him into our family! Each adoption is unique in its own way, bundled up with a special love for a child of God. Adoption has been such an important part of my life story.

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One Adoptee's Story: Maribeth

As an adoption consultant, I have the crazy amazing gift of walking with hopeful adoptive parents during their adoption processes. In this space, you'll often find me sharing their stories because those are the stories I know to tell. But the adoption triad is not just composed of adoptive parents. Listening to the voices of adoptees and birth parents is absolutely essential in the conversation about adoption. I am honored to feature some of those voices on my blog this National Adoption Month!

First up is my friend, Maribeth. She's been such an encouragement to me in our own adoption journeys. Several years ago, she shared her adoption story with our church community and I was one of many in tears hearing her speak. I am always struck by the way she views her own life story through a lens of love. Thank you, Maribeth, for sharing some of your story here!

The Face Of Adoption: by Maribeth

I have been blessed to know some amazing women in my lifetime.

Which isn't to say that I haven't known some amazing men, but today I want to share a story that starts with three specific women who have definitely had an impact on my life.

The first woman, I’ve never actually met.

In 1968, there was a very poor woman living in rural West Virginia. She had a houseful of children and a husband whose paycheck just didn't stretch far enough each month to provide for his family.

Oh, and there was another baby on the way.

Just hours after that baby was born, he was adopted by a grateful young couple.

The boy would become my big brother.

The second woman, I met very briefly.

In 1970, she was a young college co-ed who found herself "in the family way." Which meant that she was unmarried and pregnant. At that time, this was not as widely acceptable as it is in today’s culture.

As was commonly done in those days, she was sent away to wait out the remainder of her pregnancy, so as not to bring further embarrassment to her family. This is important, because the New Orleans institution called "The Protestant Home for Babies," arranged the adoption of her 2 week old baby girl.

That baby girl was me.

Which brings us to the third amazing woman about whom I need to share.

My mom.

For years my parents tried unsuccessfully to conceive a child. In 1968 they adopted a beautiful baby boy through private adoption.

See, Dr. Irvin was not only the doctor who assisted that first woman with her pregnancy, but he was my grandfather's best friend. Dr. Irvin and an attorney made all the arrangements for the adoption.

A few years later, my parents wanted to grow their family, so they sought out an adoption agency. My parents were told that most families do not receive multiple babies and that they really shouldn't get their hopes up.

My mother always told me about the day the agency phoned to tell them about the baby girl that had just been born and how, in the counselor’s words, "you are the perfect family for her and if you want her, she's yours!". There was no moment hesitation for my parents.

The day my big brother met me, the first thing he did was to count my fingers and toes to make sure I was all there. He's been keeping tabs on me like that for 43 years now.

There is no doubt of God's hand on both of these adoptions.

It was no coincidence that Dr. Irvin was placed in a position to help a family in a desperate situation provide a son for my parents who were desperate for a child.

Again, it was no coincidence that a college co-ed left all alone to deal with her unplanned pregnancy was shipped off to New Orleans because that is where my dad's company had recently transferred him.

God selected very specific parents for my brother, Eric, and me. They raised us in a very open, loving, and supportive Christian home.

From the earliest moments, we were told about our adoptions.

Adoption was always presented in a beautiful and loving manner. Never shameful or ugly, but a sacrificial act of love from one mother (or family) to another.

Our birthmothers were always praised and held in high regard. It was clear that our birthmothers made extremely loving and selfless sacrifices in tough situations to provide us with the best opportunities they could.

Even if it meant...placing us for adoption.

I am so glad that our parents provided us with such positive images of adoption.

It came in handy when neighborhood bullies would spew hateful comments that I "wasn't wanted" and that I "had been given away". Or even when thoughtless adults would imply that the parents who raised us from birth somehow weren't our "real parents". (That happened just last year.)

Luckily, my little mommy always told me that I was "chosen, loved, and wanted by my family".

I was raised with a very healthy and open view of my adoption...and I see that it is a HUGE part of who I am.

Over the years, Greg and I have discussed the possibility of adopting a child. We don't know if it is God's will for our family or not, but we are definitely still open to it.

There is so much more to my story than I can squeeze into this segment of time. If you find yourself wanting to discuss or ask questions, I welcome the opportunity to talk about adoption with you!

The image(s) that most people have when they think of adoption are the sweet little children. But remember...

I am the face of adoption.

I am chosen.
I am loved.

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Sean and Jenny's Adoption Story: Prayers With Specific Answers

God put a very specific desire in Sean and Jenny’s hearts and watching Him move in their adoption story has been such a privilege!

I had a phone call with Sean and Jenny back in January of last year where they shared with me about their desire to adopt a child with Latin American decent, in particular from Honduras. Jenny runs a beautiful non-profit there and they have huge hearts for the people of Honduras. I told them that it wasn’t very common for infant adoption situations to pop up in the U.S. involving Honduran decent, but that we could all pray! And we did.

They got started with me and began working on their home study while I created their family profile book. Fast forward to June. An agency reached out about a baby boy who had already been born and his brave birth mama wanted to make an adoption plan. Due to specific laws, the agency needed a family from one specific state. That state just happened to be where Sean and Jenny lived. And that baby just happened to be El Salvadoran (in Jenny’s words, “About as close to Honduras as you can get!”). They formed a beautiful relationship with their son’s birthmother and are even able to communicate with her in Spanish. How amazing is God?!

Jenny wrote about their story on her blog and I’m grateful for the chance to share part of it here with you:

"There is much joy in adoption but it’s impossible to overlook the fact that adoption cannot exist without brokenness and pain.  There were times in the four days between when we heard about him and when he came home with us that I thought I would crack under the weight of this brokenness.  I always play the role of comforter and fixer for those who suffer.  In this, I was acutely aware that this momentous occasion that was about to bring us so much joy was also going to cause this beautiful woman who carried our little L in her womb inexplicable pain. It was paralyzing."

"He was three weeks old when he became ours.  For those first three weeks, he was with her.  And he was so loved. It can be easy to judge where he came from.  It’s sadly natural to think of the woman in these stories who gave life in terms of weaknesses, character flaws or cowardice.  Having now walked this road, I’m blown away by just how false this is.  She is one of the strongest and most selfless people I have met.  She carried this child for 9 months when there were other options.  She bonded with this child but remained resolute in her desire for this child she loves to have a life that she cannot currently provide."

"I never ever thought that when we adopted a child, his biological mom would become one of my heroes.  That I would aspire to be more like her. This is the legacy that we want L to own.  That the decision she made was the result of her aching love for him.  That he is so incredibly worthy.  And that the presence of pain doesn’t mean there is a lack of love.  Because for this little one? We’re all bursting with it."

Isn't God is so personal in His care for us? The way that He so very specifically answered the cries of Sean and Jenny's hearts blows me away. God knit their hearts together with their son's birth mama's heart and as Jenny said it so beautifully, they are all bursting with love for him!

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For more information about adoption, reach out to me. I'd love to chat!

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Adoptive Families and Happy Fall 2016

Adorable kids in cute costumes? What's not to love! Happy Fall 2016 from some of my wonderful adoptive families!

Please contact me for more info about adoption!

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