Adoption Story: N+K

Anyone who enters an adoption process naturally does so with some thoughts, hopes, and dreams about how it all will unfold. Rarely do things happen exactly as someone expects or imagines. But I can tell you that a heartbreaking failed adoption and then an unexpected extended NICU stay out of state isn't on anyone's agenda! As you get a glimpse into this couple's story, listen for the heart of the One whose beautiful plans far exceeded their own. This dear family taught me so much about what it means to look to Jesus when our plans crumble.

K shares:

“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails”  Proverbs 19:21

We first contacted Katie when we prayerfully decided we were ready to grow our family of five into a family of six. Katie had helped some family members with their adoptions, and we loved her from the moment we had our initial phone call! We had three biological children under the age of 8 at the time, and had the privilege of hosting several children in our home in a span of 2 years prior to our adoption. God really shaped us as a family through this, and opened our hearts to exploring growing our big family into an even bigger family through adoption. 

Adoption had already been a big part of our extended family and we were excited to begin the process. We would soon learn that supporting a family or friend through the adoption process and walking through it yourself are totally different things. God would continually remind us throughout our adoption that He was the one steering the ship, no matter how hard we tried to navigate those sometimes rough waters. Admittedly, we entered the process wanting desperately to keep as much of that grip of control as possible but the Lord would slowly chip away at that as He often does.

When we had talked about adding to our family, we always said because we had 3 younger kids at home that a premature baby wasn’t an option for our family. How would we do it out of state? How would the kids survive at home with mom and dad gone so long? Logistically how would that even work out with our jobs? We are big planners, and a NICU stay was not in our plans. Not at all.
Long story short, thankfully the Lord had a plan that was entirely different than what we had conjured up as our “ideal” plan. And that plan would bring us to meet our perfectly beautiful tiny little son one hot September day. 

We had just navigated a failed match that summer, and were heading into back to school for the older kids. We had one child in elementary, one starting preschool, and one in kindergarten. I remember that first week of school crying most days that all my babies were gone and now I was home all alone when I SHOULD have been home with our new baby. We knew God’s plan was best, but we were frustrated and really wanted to know WHEN and HOW this plan would work out.

One of those days just a week or two after school started, I was home alone and I remember seeing “Katie” pop up on phone. (stomach drop!) She told us of little boy born almost 3 months early whose mama was wanting to make an adoption plan for her son. Immediately, I felt like this could be our son, but was overwhelmed by the NICU and all the “what ifs” of a child born that early. After a call to my husband we enthusiastically said yes to something we had never imagined, took a leap of faith, and headed down to meet our baby boy.

Meeting our son for the first time was a moment we will never forget. He was so beautiful, so fragile, hooked up to so many tubes and monitors. He was the smallest baby we had ever seen. We had no experience with a premature baby. The NICU was a whole new world for us and initially extremely overwhelming. Worry is something I struggle with, and especially in the beginning I remember leaving the NICU late at night and just praying and praying over his tiny isolette that he would be safe until I returned in the morning. There were many moments in those first few months especially where I had to completely relinquish control to God trusting that He created our son and LOVED him fiercely, beyond what we could even imagine. And that as much as we loved him, God loved him infinitely more and had a uniquely beautiful plan just for him. Nothing we did or did not do would take God’s mighty hand off of his life.

As challenging at the NICU was, from the beginning the Lord continually met us in our need. Over and over He would prove to us He would NOT leave us, and that He fiercely loved us, and our newborn son. In this strange new city He continued to provide for us and comfort us……whether it was the kindest AIRBNB host who deeply discounted their apartment rate and provided me a safe place and a listening ear when I had to spend 2 months away from my other family….or the incredible hurtles our son would overcome for a baby his size during his stay in NICU….or the sweetest security guard that would pray for me when I was in tears and wondering just how everything would be alright with my baby….to the most amazing night nurse that adored him and loved him so well so I could feel comfortable leaving to sleep for a few hours after 12 sweet but long hours of skin to skin in the NICU….or the pastor we met on the elevator of the hospital the day we met our son, who invited us to his church across the street and loved, prayed, and provided for us the entire stay…or the friendship and support of sweetest CAC family who happened to adopt twin girls placed in the curtain right next door…. Or the incredible army of family and friends continually providing for our children at home so I could spend as much time bonding with our son as possible….the list truly goes on and on.

We look back on our journey to our son with grateful hearts. Forever grateful for the brave woman that gave him life and loved him first. Incredibly grateful for the spirited, sweet, funny, and busy 2 year old boy who we have the privilege of calling our son each day. But mostly grateful for the great, big God we serve and His GOOD purpose and plans that prevail in our lives.

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True Satisfaction During the Adoption Process

“You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” Psalm 16:11

God so beautifully and clearly tells us in His Word that He alone satisfies. And yet, we find ourselves looking to other things for fulfillment, peace, and lasting joy. Even a “good thing” has the potential to distract us from the fullness of joy that is found in Christ alone, especially when we want that "good thing" too much-when we want it more than we want God Himself. I’ve seen this all too often in my own heart over the course of my life, always looking to the “next good thing” to bring me happiness. “When I just get to college/get a job/get married/get pregnant/have a baby/sleep through the night again/have another baby/adopt/end the diaper season/feel better/see my child overcome that obstacle/etc...THEN I’ll be truly happy.” But even when I have found myself in the circumstance I was hoping for, satisfaction is short lived and suddenly I’m looking ahead to the next thing in hopes that will bring me lasting joy. We can probably all identify with being “too easily pleased.”

"It would seem that our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." - C.S. Lewis

I’ve found that the adoption process shines a bright light on this tendency of ours to look for satisfaction in something other than Jesus. As someone who has gone through the adoption process twice and walked many adoptive families through their adoption journeys, I know all too well how easy it is to think that happiness is found in a child. A baby is a good thing-a gift from God! And yet, a baby is not what satisfies the soul. Cognitively we know that, but trying to convince your heart that infinite joy isn’t really found in a baby coming home to you is harder than it seems when you are in the thick of the wait! During the “waiting” time it really does feel like the only way you’ll be fully at peace or happy is when an expectant mom chooses you. But then you’re chosen, and suddenly it feels like true happiness won’t come until the mom actually signs consents. And then she signs and it feels like you won’t really be able to breathe and be at peace until finalization. And then, the adoption is complete; a finalized adoption is wonderful but you will not find unending soul-satisfying joy in your child. The only person who brings soul-satisfying infinite joy is Jesus. 

“The evil in our desires typically does not lie in what we want, but that we want it too much.” - John Calvin

There are so many good things that we can desire in adoption, and most of those things are good desires! The problem doesn't lie with us wanting "good things" but that we want them more than we want God. These "good things" will not bring us the soul-satisfaction that Christ alone brings. So go to Him. Remind yourself that only He really satisfies. Ask Him to help you seek to find your satisfaction in Him alone. Remind yourself of what life is really about: Jesus! This world is not our home. Tell yourself again and again the Gospel-that Christ has come and met your greatest need: to be saved from your sin! You are powerfully and thoroughly loved by the Maker of the Universe who will never change, never fail you, and never leave you. Don’t give in to the lie that real happiness is found in something other than Him. In Jesus alone there is fullness of joy!

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A Broken Crown: Guest Post by Kim

Becoming friends with Kim has been one of the highlights of my work as an Adoption Consultant. It is just so obvious that Rick and Kim love Jesus and are living for His kingdom. I've learned so much from the way they've walked through their adoption processes with open hands to the Lord and from the way they seek to live each day with eyes of faith. Kim is a gifted writer and she kindly shares her heart with us in this guest post about the way Christ has transformed brokenness into a crown.

A Broken Crown (by Kim) 

I rolled out of bed when it was still dark and quietly threw on some old clothes. I was careful to tiptoe down the stairs so I wouldn’t wake my household. The babysitter would arrive soon and I had the resentful job of preparing for another medical procedure. My tired eyes barely opened and my groggy mind refused to process what the day before me held. I surfed the Internet on my phone and gulped down drink after drink until I was sure I would throw up from the sheer amount of liquid. I thanked the babysitter profusely for showing up at this impolite hour and shortly arrived at the hospital with the baby-picture lined walls. It was eerily quiet as I walked down the hall and I couldn’t tell if it was the early hour or the sacred business conducted there that caused the somber mood.  The dark little room was kept at a temperature that ensured you’d be shaking by the time the technician arrived — but at least this gave a conceivable excuse for my emotionally charged jitters. There’s no way to feel comfortable laying on that hospital bed and perhaps it was this discomfort that awoke me from my sleepy stupor.  It was then that I looked up to see—the empty womb.

I’m not in the medical field, and usually those black and white images on the monitor remind me of distorted clouds more than organs. But that day, the empty void was just too clear to ignore. This was not the first procedure and it will likely not be the last. In fact, this just scratched the surface of the lengths we would go to try and correct the multiple syndromes and symptoms that left me barren. I’ve had 6 surgeries, taken thousands of pills, been poked, prodded and made uncomfortable in ways I never imagined would become my new “normal.” So you may think it odd that as I reflect on motherhood, I’m thinking of Esther and her “such a time as this” occasion.

In Esther 4:14, the queen is reminded that her royal position is not what protects her, but it is, perhaps, how God will use her “for such a time as this.”

Awake with the youngest of my six babes, I’m wondering if my “such a time as this” is now — in the midst of my brokenness. Because what if we arrive at our time, not to a crown of glory but to a realization of need? It’s here, that for me, whether seated on a throne, or cold and alone in a hospital room that my needy moments draw me closer to a Significant Savior.

Sometimes God’s best is an invitation for you to embrace and celebrate what can only be found in brokenness, in need, in the low places, and in rejection by the world. While Esther sat on an earthly throne, the One who placed her there gave up His throne to become despised by man - crushed, rejected, weepy and desperate for His Father. The Cross is why He came. His “such a time as this” was the lowest He would ever be, so that one day He would receive a crown of glory he’ll never relinquish.

My low place is the emptiness of infertility. According to popular fiction I am an “unwoman.” Like one in eight women alive today, I live with the monthly reminders that I have no power to create or sustain life. Everyday I’m aware that my body is broken. And this constant reminder has forced me to, lean in to the Lord for greater healing, greater health, and greater trust.

And isn’t that what we love about Esther’s story—that a common girl would catch the eye of the most powerful man on earth; that a woman who was willing to take risks would accomplish remarkable things. Esther’s fame came as a result of being willing to do what was hard when all the odds were stacked against her—and it’s impossible for me to see her bravery without envisioning her wearing her crown. Esther was given the title of queen but she was powerless without her King. Her real privilege was that she had access to the One who had the power. And in that—her story is also my story.

I am seen and loved by God and he has the power to change my title and my purpose. Jesus is the Suffering Servant but He is also the Resurrected King. He graciously shares His resurrection power with me so though my womb is empty my arms are filled. He made the barren woman a mother of children (Psalm 113:9), gave her a new name and a new appreciation for all that is learned when you are without power and without hope. While my lack of power has allowed me to feel indescribable pain and heartache, I walk with a powerful God who does not leave me here. His shared resurrection power has given me a ministry to others who are hurting and a house full of children as daily reminders of His goodness. It’s because of His power that I can more confidently, and with thankfulness, wear the title of broken.

When he sets a crown on my broken and powerless head I can more fully appreciate my new position because of the depths from whence I came. It’s in the depths that I learned to petition the King and trust in His goodness. It’s there that I learned the pursuit of Him, through pain, unmet expectations and frustrations, was worth everything! Even on the days I was sure I would perish, He invited me into His strength and kingly power to do more than I ever imagined.

In my brokenness, I am given a crown of Hope - because the natural has failed me and the Supernatural has beckoned me home. I am a broken woman invited to more, by a perfect King.

(You can read a bit more about Rick and Kim's adoption journeys here, here.)

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Adoption Story: Charlie and Rachel

As an adoption consultant, I have the amazing privilege of watching God work in the adoption journeys of my adoptive families. His care along the way is always unmistakable! Every story has it's share of loss and difficulty, and Charlie and Rachel's process was particularly challenging. There is no doubt in my mind that God worked powerfully in their hearts along the way. Rachel shares about God's personal care for them in her own words below.

I think back on our adoption journey and it always amazes me how God works. Through adoption, He worked on our marriage, my heart, and drew each of us as individuals closer to Him. It all started with Proverbs 16:9 "We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps."

We had our plan to start our family, but the Lord had explained that He had a plan for us that was bigger and better than we could imagine. When we finally "Let go and let God," it was clear to us that God intended for us to start our family through adoption. We were bathed in prayer and supported both financially and emotionally by family and friends. So many people shared in our excitement. But months went by and the excitement wore off.

At one point, I remember feeling that God had just walked away, leaving me sitting in the dark scrambling to find Him. Like the lights had gone out and I had no flashlight to see. In His perfect timing, I attended a women’s retreat. All weekend long He placed people in front of me that were connected to adoption or infertility in some fashion. Every person that shared their story also prayed with me, for me, and in some cases cried with me. I was very grateful for the connections through these women and their stories, but what I really wanted was to hear Jesus. I sat one night alone on the floor and said to Him “I will sit here in this very spot waiting until I hear your voice.” I lost that battle of patience and went to bed with a sore butt and a bruised spirit. I was disappointed, but in reality I was simply being a child of God throwing a tantrum and wasn't interested in waking up the next morning for the last day of the retreat. However, I woke up to God's voice through a song sung by Steven Curtis Chapman. 

“And this is going to be a glorious unfolding

Just you wait and see and you will be amazed

You've just got to believe the story is so far from over

So hold on to every promise God has made to us

And watch this glorious unfolding.”

In my mind that translated to “WAIT A MINUTE! I'M WORKING ON IT!” First I laughed, then I cried. I could “see” again, knowing He wasn’t done with us. That was all the reassurance I needed to know that He was still walking this journey with me. 

A few weeks later we finally had that celebratory moment of being officially matched! I will spare you the details of the challenging months leading to our son’s birth, but I will share that things got ugly. So ugly, that at one point, we considered walking away from the match. I felt our marriage straining and all I wanted to do was hold tight to what I knew was good. I called Katie (our amazing consultant who calmly walked us through all our messes and never ending questions and phone calls) and told her I was ready to be done. Not just done with the match, but DONE DONE with everything. I was not willing to lose what I had in order to bring a baby home that wasn’t even guaranteed to be ours. It was painful and discouraging in so many ways. 

When Charlie returned home from work that day, the first thing we did was pray. We prayed for what felt like days asking for guidance and clarity in our situation. We found ourselves in these difficult situations multiple times in the months leading up to our son’s birth and each time God very clearly said “sit tight and let me do my work.” It was an incredibly challenging time for us. The ONLY reason we made it through this journey was because of Jesus. 

If you asked me in the beginning of our journey to describe what we thought our adoption journey would look like, I would have painted a very different picture. Our lives are forever changed for the better. Our sweet little boy is this connection between two women who would have never crossed paths otherwise. Some days I find myself tearing up when he gives me that silly little grin as I think about how empty our life was without him in it. God did this... all of it… He led us to Katie with CAC, He led us to our son’s birth mother, and He led us to our baby boy.  Just as he did way back when with Noah and his family after the rain, He gave us a rainbow after our storm. 

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For more information about domestic infant adoption, please contact me. I'd love to help you!

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