Why Use An Adoption Consultant?

**I wrote this post back in 2012 when my husband and I were in the midst of our first adoption process before I became an adoption consultant myself. While I could share a post from my perspective as a consultant now, I love that this post shares my heart while I was actually an adoptive family using a consultant.**

About a year ago, I thought that using an adoption consultant was just plain dumb.  My thinking went something like this: Adoption is expensive and hiring a consultant is another expense.  Why on earth would someone hire an adoption consultant?  My thinking about adoption consultants has drastically changed.  I went from thinking we'd never use one to not being able to imagine our adoption journey without one.  Why?  Here are some of the many reasons that we thank God for our adoption consultant.

1) Decreasing the Risks

Domestic adoption does have risks. While all adoptions have risks, good adoption consultants help their clients sort through the level of risk involved with each situation and give invaluable information to help adoptive parents make informed decisions in their adoption journey. Adoption consultants typically work primarily with "safe states" that are adoption friendly (where consents are generally signed in 24-72 hrs). An ethical adoption consultant usually points hopeful adoptive parents to agencies and attorneys that are spending a considerable amount of time providing counseling; these agencies usually don't match the expectant mama until she's at least 20 weeks.

2) Exposure to multiple agencies and attorneys 

Working with multiple agencies helps you have more exposure to more potential adoption situations. Instead of being one family in a line with many at only one agency, working with an adoption consultant makes it possible for you to learn about more adoption situations and so have the opportunity to show your profile more frequently. Out of the hundreds of agencies and attorneys out there, it's difficult to know which are reputable. A good adoption consultant has done that legwork for you! 

3) Significant decrease in wait time

Working with only one agency means that you are most likely one of many, many clients waiting in a long line to adopt.  In a traditional approach of only working with one agency, many adoptive couples wait 2+ years or more before they are matched with an expectant mom.  Because a good adoption consultant helps you find multiple good agencies and attorneys, the wait time when you're working with one can be significantly decreased.  As in, most families are matched under a year after applying with multiple agencies. (This is just the average; some families are matched faster than that and some are matched longer than that.)

4)  Help from someone who is genuinely knowledgeable AND really understands

Most excellent adoption consultants have adopted before themselves. They know what it's like to adopt because they've been through the process (sometimes multiple times).  They are an incredible wealth of knowledge and information (which is great)!  They've helped TONS of couples adopt.  But their knowledge is coupled with a heart that has experienced the joys and challenges of adoption.  Because of that heart, they are extremely quick to respond to questions from clients (no waiting weeks to hear from them!).  Because of that heart, they pray regularly for their clients.  Because of that heart, they are a constant encouragement and help.  

5)  Benefits that far exceed the cost

Yes, hiring an adoption consultant isn't free. But in our opinion, the benefits to working with an adoption consultant have far exceeded the cost (and we aren't even matched with an expectant mom yet).  In the grand scheme of adoption expenses, it really isn't a lot to hire someone who will make a priceless difference in your adoption journey.  We've received extremely helpful answers to countless questions. We've been connected to wonderful attorneys and agencies.  We've been encouraged, supported, and prayed for every single step of the way. And we've been blessed with having someone who is really on our side (much like a midwife who coaches you all through your pregnancy, labor, and delivery).  

To be really honest, we are getting way more than we paid for with our adoption consultant.  And to think that I once thought that using an adoption consultant was ridiculous!

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Use An Adoption Consultant? Are you nuts?

When we first started looking into domestic adoption, I emailed back and forth quite a bit with a friends who had used an adoption consultant to help them as they adopted their daughter.  I remember quite vividly saying to Josh, "I just don't get it. Why would you pay extra money in what's already a super expensive process to use an adoption consultant?  Doesn't that sound kind of dumb?"  It really didn't make any sense to me.


But as time went on, we needed someone to answer about a billion questions that we had about domestic adoption.  I didn't want someone's opinion.  I didn't want someone who just wanted me to hire them.  I didn't want some random info off of the internet.  I wanted someone to talk to that actually knew what they were talking about!  I wanted someone that would care about us as individuals and not just tell us to do domestic, but to help us as we thought through what God was calling us to.  Enter, Tracie Loux our adoption consultant.

(This is Tracie, her husband, and their children)

Tracie is the consultant that had helped our friends adopt their daughter.  I figured it wouldn't hurt for me to shoot her an email.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  It was 9:30pm on a Saturday night, and questions were just weighing heavily on my mind and heart.  I emailed Tracie and she responded within an hour (an extremely RARE thing in the adoption world), answering all my questions, sharing helpful thoughts and saying she'd love to talk with me on Monday.  I was blown away by her care, her promptness in responding, and her desire to help.  


After two months of emailing back and forth with Tracie, talking with friends and family, praying, and talking a lot with each other, Josh and I began to get some clarity about where God was directing us.  We knew that He was leading us to pursue domestic adoption and we absolutely knew that we didn't want to enter the process without Tracie's help. So what changed?  Why don't I think it's a dumb idea anymore to use an adoption consultant? More on that tomorrow!

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Fear Not: Part 7

(If you missed the earlier posts in this series, you can find them here: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6.)

I want to just be really honest here and say that this idea of actually needing to fight for faith has been the crucial point of challenge for me.  I don't want to have to work at this.  I want everything in life to be easy-lasting peace included.  I want to just slap a scripture on it and repeat, “Fear not, fear not” a couple times and feel all better. But that’s not how trust in God usually grows.

If you want to strengthen your muscles, you don’t expect that just sitting at home on your couch is going to do anything to help you get toned.  And we rarely grow in trusting God by merely doing nothing either.  There is a war going on in our hearts - the war for faith in God.  Wars aren’t won in a day and we won’t win the war against fear in a day either.  There’s battle after battle after exhausting and challenging battle before victory comes.  The question is whether we’re going to choose to pick up our weapons and fight for faith or merely be trampled by our fears.

So how about you?  Are you using the weapons of prayer and the weapon of reminding yourself of what God’s Word says is true about Him?  Are you doing that even when your feelings and circumstances are screaming otherwise?  Or are you just passively listening to what your fears and circumstances seem to be saying?

I’d like to share a little bit about how fighting fears with faith in God has made a difference in my life.  I share this not to make you think highly of me (I could never have brought about this change on my own).  I share this to give you hope.  I’ve never met a person more consumed with fears than I was and I have seen that God really can transform fearful hearts like mine.  It really is possible for you and for me to grow with the help of the Holy Spirit.

First, let me share some things that I’ve tried to do over the years to weaken fears and anxieties.  I’ve tried to ignore it (you know-try just not to think about it and hope it goes away).  That didn’t work.  I tried to convince it away (you know-tell myself that the statistics were incredibly unlikely that I would get kidnapped while going to the mailbox).  That didn’t help.  I tried to educate my fears away (you know-scour the Internet for every possible way to eliminate anxiety attacks).  That didn’t work either.  In fact, going to the Internet to help me weaken fear has only brought on more fears.  I’ve tried to barter with God; “Lord, don’t you think I deserve some peace?  I’m trying to follow You!”  That didn’t bring me lasting peace either.  So what did help me not to fear what is frightening? Honestly it’s been the two things that Philippians 4 mentions: prayer and "talking to myself."

I started really engaging in this war against fear when I came to our church. The Lord kindly introduced me to a book by Ed Welch that my friend, Jodi gave me about fearing people vs. trusting God.  Through this book and some other excellent resources, God started to show me that my fears were not happening just because I’m naturally introverted or because of my family background or because this is just how I’ve always been.  I started seeing that fear had to do with my heart and what I was really believing about God.  I started to see that through the help of the Holy Spirit teaching me to fight for faith, lasting peace was really possible.

I began to re-read passages in scripture about anxiety and started asking God to help me see how trustworthy He really is.  Instead of just reading the same scriptures over and over hoping that just reading them would change me, I started praying through scripture and thinking about it.  I began talking to myself and reminding myself of who God is.  Slowly, over time, this started to become a way of life for me.

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Fear Not: Part 6

(If you missed the earlier posts in this series, here they are: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5.)

We weaken fears with faith by talking to God and we weaken fears with faith by talking to ourselves, in other words, by thinking about what is true.  “Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, worthy of praise-think about that.  Practice that and the God of peace will be with you.”  Do you see what the Apostle Paul getting at here? We weaken fears and anxieties by thinking, or talking to ourselves about what’s true.

This kind of thinking is not some sort of "power of positive thinking". This isn’t just trying to make yourself feel better by repeating, “Don’t fear!  Don’t fear!  Don’t fear!” This kind of thinking is a way of fighting for faith in who God really is.

But what if we do try to think about truth and we find that it’s just not doing anything for us-that it’s making no difference?  You know, “I’ve tried.  It didn’t work.”  Ever been there?  When fears and anxieties threaten to overwhelm us, it can be really hard to believe the truth. When we feel like the truth about who God is really isn’t helping us, that should be like a warning light.  “Alert!  Alert!  Something’s not right.  Check your heart!”  If we’re not believing that God is who He says He is, we’re doubting Him.  

Ladies, I just want to pause for a second and say again that some of the situations you’re facing right now are really absolutely frightening, more than I can understand. When fears and anxieties seem to be closing in all around us, believing that God really is our loving Father who will strengthen us and help us does not come naturally.  If you’re having a hard time believing the truth about God in the midst of your scary circumstance, that’s not surprising.  That’s especially true because our fears lie.  I’ve seen this over and over again in my own life; fears lie and their lies seem so believable when I’m afraid.

We’ll talk about this more specifically in a little bit, but right now, I just want to encourage you-this is why we desperately need the Holy Spirit’s help; we are so quick to doubt God.  We need to go to Him, just like Paul exhorted us to in Philippians 4.  We need to cry out to Him to help us believe. “I do believe, Lord help my unbelief!”  It may also be helpful to include others, asking them to remind us of what’s true about our loving Father that is with us.  And it’s also really important not to just read scripture, but to preach it to ourselves and to keep preaching it to ourselves rather than listening to the lies that whisper and sometimes SHOUT in our hearts.

Martin Loyd Jones, a Welsh preacher that lived in the first part of the 20th century explained it this way:

“The main trouble in this whole matter...in a sense is this, that we allow our self to talk to us instead of talking to our self. Am I just trying to be deliberately paradoxical? Far from it. This is the very essence of wisdom in this matter. Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself?"

“You have to take yourself in hand, you have to address yourself, preach to yourself, question yourself...you must go on to remind yourself of God, Who God is, and what God is and what God has done, and what God has pledged Himself to do.”

We’re constantly talking to ourselves.  Thoughts go through our head all day long.  But are we talking to ourselves about what is actually true? In the midst of being afraid, it’s not easy to believe what is true about God and to think about those things-that's why it's called a fight.  It really is a fight for faith.

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Fear Not: Part 5

(If you missed the earlier posts in this series, click here for Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4.)

What does it really mean to weaken fear by fighting for faith in God?  Let’s look together for a minute at some familiar verses, found in Philippians 4:

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.”

These verses mention two main ways we can weaken fear by fighting for faith in God:  first, by talking to Him-in other words, by praying and crying out to Him. And secondly, we fight for faith in God by talking to ourselves (essentially, by thinking about what is true).

The beginning of these verses pretty plainly say, “Don’t be anxious-don’t fear.  Instead-pray let your requests be made know to God."  And then, here’s what happens: the peace of God will guard your heart and mind.  We fight fear with faith by praying to God-pouring our hearts out to Him and asking for His help.  

So for example, when we face a really frightening situation like when we’re uncertain about the state of our finances, we can fight our fears by going to God.  “Lord, this is really scary.  I have no idea how You’re going to provide but I know that you’ve promised to meet our needs.  You provide for the birds! Please help me believe that you’ll provide for us, and please do provide. I know that You’re with me even though I don’t feel like it.  Lord, please help me to trust you!”  We weaken fear by fighting for faith in God through talking to Him.  Who else could we possibly talk to that can help us more than God himself?  

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Fear Not: Part 4

(This continues the series where I'm re-posting a message that I shared with the women of our church.  If you missed the beginning, check out Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.)
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There’s an analogy here that’s helped me think about how trusting in who God really is can shape my fears. Imagine that you’re on a walk with your brother who just happens to be a heavyweight boxer. He’s got muscles popping out everywhere.  He’s won every boxing fight that he’s ever faced.  The dude can seriously fight.

Now, let’s say you’re on a walk with your brother and a man suddenly approaches you and yells, “Hand over your purse!”

In that moment, you’re in a really scary situation.  But are you afraid?

Well sure, your heart’s probably still beating wildly but you’re certainly not as terrified as you would be if you were alone.  You’re probably thinking, “This guy doesn’t even know what he just got himself into!”  You’re not fearing because you know who’s with you.  You know that your brother can take this would-be thief out in an instant and flatten him like a pancake!  Not only does your brother love you, he wants to help you and he’s got the power to back you up.  It’s not a perfect illustration, but it’s helpful for me.

Our loving Father-God, is stronger than any boxer in the world.   And this powerful, loving God, this is the one who promises that He’ll be with us to strengthen, help, and uphold us.

Listen to what Charles Spurgeon tells us about the certainty that God really will help us:

“It is but a small thing for me, your God, to help you.  Consider what I have done already.  What! not help you?  Why, I bought you with my blood.  What!  not help you?  I have died for you; and if I have done the greater, will I not do the less?  Help you!  It is the least thing I will ever do for you; I have done more, and I will do more.  I laid aside my glory and became a man for you; I gave up my life for you; and if I did all this, I will surely help you now.”

The cross has demonstrated once and for all that God really is for us.  Our God has promised to be with us and to help us.  So Isaiah 41:10 shows us that the fight to weaken fear is a fight for believing the truth about who God is; it’s a fight for faith in God.  The fight for peace is a fight for faith.

But what does it really mean to weaken fear by fighting for faith in God?

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Fear Not: Part 3

(This continues the series where I'm re-posting the message that I shared last year with the women of our church.  If you missed the beginning, you can read Part 1 and Part 2.)
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The reason that we’re called not to fear isn’t because scary things don’t happen (they do!) or because we can handle them on our own (we can’t).  The Israelites really were facing a very frightening situation that they simply could not handle on their own.  The reason that they were called not to fear, the reason we’re called not to fear is because of the truth of who God is.  This is how God wants us to weaken the influence of fear: by fighting for faith in Him.

God tells us, “Fear not for/or because: I AM WITH YOU."  Why are we called not to fear? Because God is with us.  He’ll never leave us; this isn’t just a nice idea or an isolated verse in scripture.  This promise is repeated over and over and over again in God’s Word.  Just one of many other places where this is said is Hebrews13:5, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”  He’s with us!

God tells us, “Be not dismayed for/or because, I am your God.”  Why are we called not to fear?  Because He is our God-ours!  He’s not a distant stranger; if we have put our hope in Christ for the forgiveness of our sins, we have a relationship with God as our loving Father. We’re His children!  He really cares about us because we’re His.  He promises this over and over again in His Word. For example, Isaiah 43:1 says, “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.”

God tells us, “I will strengthen you.  I will help you.  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”  Why are we called not to fear? Because He promises to strengthen us! He promises to help us.  He promises to uphold us with His righteous right hand.

Think of the Israelites again.  They were in the desert for 40 years; a really frightening situation.  They were utterly dependent on God to provide even the very food that they ate.  And what did He do?  He gave them a new food that they’d never even heard of; He gave them manna.  He came through for them with just enough food for each and every day so that they wouldn’t starve.  God really did strengthen, help and uphold them even while their scary situation continued for decades and decades.  And this same God promises to strengthen, help, and uphold us.

This is who God is.  He’s our loving father that’s with us.  No matter what happens, He will strengthen us and help us and uphold us.  If we’re really believing this, shouldn’t it make a difference when we face things that are scary?

(Check back tomorrow for Part 4.)

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