Adoption Heartbreak at Christmas

 

(Photo by Nathan Anderson on Unsplash)

What do you do when adoption heartbreak envelops you at Christmastime? Whether you find yourself in an unexpected ongoing season of empty arms, are walking through a prolonged wait, or have experienced an adoption that didn't work out the way you hoped, Christmastime can magnify the sting of suffering. Whatever was already hurting seems to hurt more in a season that presents itself as "merry" and "bright," especially when you feel the opposite.

If that's the difficult path you're currently on, pretend with me for a moment that we're sitting down together with hot drinks, ignoring the hustle and bustle around us, and you've just shared with me the heavy weight on your heart. In this moment, where it's clear that no words can really make this all better, I want to compassionately point you to the God of all comfort. Scripture calls Him, "the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction..." (2 Corinthians 1:3). Mercy. Comfort. That's what He offers you this season and what He offers is so very different than what the rest of the world does.

Well-meaning people may attempt to help but leave you feeling more isolated and more hurt. Even a spouse who wants to understand can't fully grasp what it's like for you to uniquely process these challenging circumstances. But the Father of mercies and God of all comfort knows your heart. He knows your pain. He sees and He knows and He is right here with you, wanting to comfort you in all your affliction. The Father of mercies and God of all comfort isn't frowning at you, telling you to get it together and be happy this Christmas. He isn't expecting you to pretend everything is fine or ignore that this isn't how it's supposed to be. He is telling you that He is with you and that He is your comforter. 

In Isaiah 41:10 we hear God's heart for us: "fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Even now, He is ready to help you and with you. He is with you, upholding you.

This Christmas, let's remember that Jesus came and entered our world as a baby in Bethlehem. He came into the darkness of sin and suffering as the Light of the World. That baby took on flesh, grew up, and paid the price for our sins on the cross. In our desperation and sadness, He made way for hope; He gave us the promise that we can be made right with God, and one day, He will wipe away every tear from our eyes as we see Him face to face. He carried our griefs and sorrows. By His wounds we are healed (Isaiah 53). There will come a day when all things will be made new and the brokenness and sorrow of this world will be a distant memory as we spend forever in eternity with no more sorrow, no more tears. 

But until that day, while you stumble brokenhearted through this Christmas season, look to your Father of mercies. He is the God of all comfort. He is with you.

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Feeling Lost In The Adoption Process

 

The number of decisions involved in the adoption process can make you feel overwhelmed. Where do you start? How do you choose a home study provider? Should you stick with one local agency or widen your reach by applying to multiple agencies? What are realistic expectations to have about your timeline? How can you afford to adopt? Ask anyone who has ever considered adoption, and they will likely tell you they know what it's like to feel lost along the way. 

First, I want to encourage you that this is a really common experience for anyone who has begun the adoption process. A mix of being overwhelmed and excited is very normal. Next, I want to encourage you to take your heart to our Father, who compassionately cares for us; pour out all of your cares to Him because He cares for you!

If you're feeling lost as you consider adoption, I want to encourage you to reach out to an Adoption Consultant. One of the greatest benefits to working with an Adoption Consultant is decreasing that sense of overwhelm. You don't have to walk through this complex process by yourself, feeling like you're drowning in details and questions. I would love to answer your questions, hear your heart, and talk with you about the benefits of working with an Adoption Consultant for your journey. Having an adoption professional on your side who has been through the process personally and also walked hundreds of couples through the journey makes all the difference. You don't have to feel lost and overwhelmed. 

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How Does Someone Afford Adoption?

 

We had many questions and fears when we began considering adoption. We thank God that those obstacles didn't keep us from the gift of our sweet little boy! But those fears and questions matter-they shouldn't be ignored.  It's important to think through your fears and examine them. As an Adoption Consultant, one of the main concerns I hear from couples considering adoption is the issue of money; how can someone afford to adopt?

This concern is pretty understandable. Adoption is so expensive! Agency fees alone can be between 40-60K and that does not include the costs of getting a home study, consultant fees, or travel fees. If you've had the desire to adopt but feel like there's no possible way you could afford it, you're not alone.  In fact, the majority of adoptive couples have thought that very same thing. My husband, Josh, and I definitely wondered how we would afford adoption before we started our journey. Like most couples considering adoption, we did not have the money saved and ready to go when we started or any idea exactly how we would get it.

I could tell you all about tons of grants available, interest free adoption loans, adoption fundraisers and other ways to fund adoption. I could tell you about the amazing friends and family and strangers that came alongside us. I could tell you about our adoption consultant who pointed us to helpful resources. I could tell you about the hundreds of families I've seen God provide for as I've guided them in their adoption journey as their consultant.

But if you aren't moving towards adoption because you believe you could never afford it, there's probably something bigger going on than just your financial situation. The heart behind this fear isn't mainly financial in nature: I think this is often an issue of priorities and faith.

We spend money on what we prioritize.  Those of us who are concerned about adoption finances aren't usually found saying, "I want to go on a vacation someday but I can't afford it," or "I'd love a car but I can't afford it," or "I wish I could go to college but I just could never put together the finances." It's a rare thing for me to hear someone worried about adoption finances say, "I always wanted to buy a house but I could never afford one." These things are all very expensive, but we don't let that keep us from them.  

We find a way to do what matters to us.  We plan, we save, we take out loans, we work an extra job, we ask people for help, we trim our budget, we do whatever we have to do to find a way to fund what we care about. Why would we let fear of how the money will come in keep us from pursuing something way more valuable than a house or a car?  

This is a hard word to hear but I think it's important to consider. It is possible that this holdup is about something other than your finances? We look at the financial expense of adoption and think of it solely in terms of what WE can accomplish. We don't have enough money. How could we ever afford it? But if you're a Christian then your life is not your own-it belongs to Him.

"he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised." 2 Corinthians 5:15

You have a God who owns everything-including all the money in the world. 

"The silver is mine, and the gold is mine, declares the Lord of hosts." Haggai 2:8

It all belongs to Him and He is in charge of it. You have a Father who loves His children. You have a Creator who gave everything that you might be adopted into His family! 

"See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are." 1 John 3:1

He loves adoption and He loves to provide for adoption! He will make a way to fund what He calls you to.

Beyond those things, there is a sure and certain hope that we have of God's commitment to us because of the Cross. If you are a Christian, then God has met your greatest need at the Cross. God sent His Son, Jesus, to die in your place, taking the punishment that you deserved because of your sins. He is such a wildly generous and gracious God!

"He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" Romans 8:32

Does this mean that God will give each of His children money for whatever they want? No. That's not the point of the truths I shared, and that would be grossly misinterpreting Scripture. I'm not saying you should jump right in and start the process without a dime to your name or that God's going to drop thousands of dollars in your lap the second you move forward. If you are deep in debt, without a job, or unable to make ends meet currently, then this is not the right time for you to adopt. But if you're in a stable financial spot and your only hold up to pursuing adoption is that you don't know how you can afford it, I want to challenge you to take that fear to the Lord. God is far more generous than we give Him credit for. Is He asking you take a step forward and trust Him? 

We began our homestudy with only a little over a thousand dollars saved.  We stand in awe at God's faithfulness to provide for our own family's adoption! 

If God is stirring your heart to consider adoption, don't stay paralyzed by your fears about finances. Don't let the fear that you could never afford adoption keep you from following His lead. Let's stop looking at what WE can do and starting thinking about what God is able to do.

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The Difference That Our Adoption Consultant Made

 

It's hard to believe that it's now been about 13 years since my husband and I brought home our son through the gift of adoption and almost 8 years since we adopted our daughter. Reflecting on our experiences, I remain incredibly grateful for the impact that our adoption consultant made! I cannot imagine our adoption journeys without a consultant. Our personal experience of seeing the difference our adoption consultant made showed me how beneficial an adoption consultant can be to your adoption journey.

As someone whose heart was drawn towards adoption even as a child, over the years, I dug into learning about it. In my teens, during college, and after Josh and I got married, I read books, watched videos, checked out blogs, and asked questions. I talked with friends I knew who had been impacted by adoption, looked into different agencies, and intently listened to stories from adult adoptees. When I met my husband, I was at Wheaton College working on a Master's Degree with a plan to head to China to work at an orphanage.

Yet, when my husband and I got ready to begin our own adoption journey, I quickly found that knowing about something is much different than actually experiencing it. Enter: our adoption consultant.

As soon as we jumped into the adoption process, it became glaringly obvious that we had a lot to learn. All the information that I had gleaned over the years was helpful, but it could not replace the years of experience our adoption consultant had during her own adoptions and walking families through the process. She helped us navigate the complexities of agency dynamics, nuances of accurate terminology, and intricacies of walking out the specifics with integrity and wisdom. She prayed for us and helped us through her support and care. She educated us and equipped us to love an expectant mom in crisis. Not only that, she also connected us to a community of other adoptive families going through the process.

Even before I became an adoption consultant myself, I was telling everyone I knew about the benefits of using a Christian consultant. Looking back on our own adoption journeys, it was one of the best decisions we made.

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Is It Helpful To Work With An Adoption Consultant When You've Already Completed Your Home Study?

 

“I’m already home study ready and waiting with a local attorney/agency. How would it benefit me to work with an Adoption Consultant at this point?" 

This is a great question that I hear frequently from families inquiring about working with me. Here are three main reasons that it’s worth it to work with a consultant, even if you are already active with a local agency/attorney:

1.  More opportunities to have your profile book shown to expectant moms making an adoption plan
2.  Personalized support, prayer, and guidance
3.  Being a part of a caring community of adoptive families

Wider Reach
I help point you to multiple agencies and attorneys across the U.S., increasing your opportunities to present your profile book to more expectant moms. Increased exposure to adoption situations often means decreased wait time; our families match with an expectant mom on average less than a year after applying to multiple agencies. (This is a difference from being a waiting family with just one agency or attorney where you present your profile book only with the expectant moms that come in to that specific office. If it’s a small local agency, likely there will not be many placements per year there despite often having quite a lot of waiting adoptive families. Often, I will hear from families that have been waiting for 2-3 years with their specific agency and have only had their profile book shown a handful of times.) 

Personalized Support
As your Adoption Consultant, my job is to be there for YOU. I don’t work for an adoption agency or with birth parents. I work with you for you. With each adoption situation that you see, I am there to help you think through all the complexities involved and pray for you. Sometimes this may mean cautioning you about a risky situation, or offering feedback about your personal letter to a specific expectant mom, getting in touch with an agency on your behalf if you have some additional questions, or walking you through how to lovingly care for a mom you're matched with. Often, my role will be offering a listening ear, sharing encouragement and scripture, pointing you towards excellent educational resources, and praying for you. In addition to being an adoption professional who is in your corner, I’m an adoptive mama who understands the emotions involved with adoption because I’ve been there (twice)!

Caring Community
Each adoptive family that I work with has the opportunity to be a part of a moderated private online adoption group. Since we have worked with hundreds of adoptive families during their adoption journey, this large community is a wealth of knowledge and support. Having a community of families who “get it” is so vital to persevering through the ups and downs of the adoption journey. These families will also cheer you on and pray for you along with me.

Here are a few stories from families of mine that started with me after already being home study ready and waiting with another agency/attorney! Bryan and Jayne, Jimmy and Kyle, Gary and Angela.

If you’ve been waiting for a while with one attorney/agency and you’re ready to have more opportunities to present your profile book, you’re ready to receive personalized support, prayer, and guidance, and you’re eager to be a part of a caring community of adoptive families, using an adoption consultant might be a great next step for you!

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For more information about domestic infant adoption, please contact me. I'd love to be a part of your adoption journey!

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Prayer for National Adoption Month

 

(Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash)

Father, during this National Adoption Month, we lift up to you everyone who has been impacted by adoption. In the heartbreak and in the hope, make Your love known. 

God, tangibly show Your nearness and let it be felt by adoptees. As they interact with their story, remind them of Your steadfast, unchanging love that sees and knows their hearts. May Your compassion and tenderness assure them that You care. Give them Your peace, Your joy, Your healing. Give others humble hearts to listen and learn from them.

God, tangibly show Your nearness and let it be felt by birth parents. This month, as the topic of adoption is at the forefront once again, remind them that they are not alone. Thank You for being the God who never leaves or forsakes. Thank you for being the God who sees and knows hearts. Fill birth parents with the assurance of Your ongoing care for them. Give them Your peace, Your joy, Your healing. Give others humble hearts to listen and learn from them.

God, tangibly show Your nearness and let it be felt by adoptive families. As they seek to faithfully parent, guide them with Your wisdom. Give them an awareness that You are the Perfect Parent who is able to do abundantly more than they could ask or imagine. Be their strength and courage. Give them Your peace, Your joy, Your healing. Give them humble hearts to listen and learn. 

God, tangibly show Your nearness and let it be felt by women in crisis considering adoption. As they wrestle with their decision, surround them with people who care. Direct them to providers who will truly invest in their lives. Provide them with the help they need. Give them Your peace, Your joy, Your healing. Give those they share their hearts with humility to listen and learn from them.

God, tangibly show Your nearness and let it be felt by those pursuing adoption. As these hopeful adoptive parents wait to see how their journeys will unfold, give them the ability to look beyond their own stories to You. Give them accurate and helpful information to equip them. Open their hearts to reflect Your heart of kindness, patience, and love. Give them Your peace, Your joy, Your healing. Give them humble hearts to listen and learn from others in the adoption constellation.

In the mighty name of Jesus, we pray.

Amen.

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How To Choose An Adoption Home Study Provider

 

An important piece of the adoption journey is your home study. What exactly is a home study, and how do you choose the right home study provider for you?

What is an adoption home study?

A home study is the process that hopeful adoptive parents go through to become legally approved to adopt. The purpose of a domestic home study is for a licensed home study provider to determine whether or not you can provide a safe and healthy home to raise a child. It is specifically tailored to your state's requirements and involves paperwork, important clearances (such as background and security checks), a physical, interviews with a social worker, a home visit, and adoption education. Your home study provider then compiles a report about your family and determines whether or not to approve you to proceed with adoption.

How do you choose a home study provider?

Just like any other service, there are amazing providers and downright awful providers as well. How do you choose a good home study provider? As you're looking into your options for home study providers near you, here are a few tips to guide you along the way:

• Make sure you are only considering licensed home study providers.
• If you're working with an adoption consultant, you will have an advantage in receiving their recommendations; ask for their personal experience with the providers they share with you.
• Ask adoptive families around you who they used for their home study and get feedback about their experiences.
• Do a google search for "licensed adoption home study providers" in your state and spend time looking through the websites of the providers near you.
• Consider the verbiage on their website; are they using positive and up-to-date adoption language (for example, "place a baby for adoption"vs. the outdated phrase "give up a baby")?
• Search for reviews on the home study provider; are they well respected in the adoption community?
• Search to see if there are any legal cases against the home study provider.
• Call each provider that you're considering and pay careful attention to how they treat you in the conversation. Do they rush you? Are they caring and interested in your story?
• Ask how long the home study process takes with each provider you're considering, and ask what training is involved for hopeful adoptive families.
• Inquire about the fees; are they all due at once? Do they charge for mileage? 
• If you are considering taking a multi-agency approach to your adoption, let the home study provider know that. Ask the provider if they will be giving you a copy of the home study so that you can send it to multiple adoption agencies.
• Pray for the Lord's direction and follow His leading.

How Do You Know If You've Chosen A Good Home Study Provider?

Your home study provider should be someone excited to partner with you for your adoption. If you've chosen a good provider, they will be eager to be a part of your adoption journey!

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What's The Difference Between An Adoption Consultant And An Adoption Agency?

Are you considering adoption and wondering what direction to turn next? The two main paths toward adoption that hopeful adoptive couples typically take are working with an adoption agency or working with an Adoption Consultant. What's the difference, and how can you decide which path is best for you?

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN USING AN AGENCY AND USING AN ADOPTION CONSULTANT

Adoption Agencies often have wait times of several years for hopeful adoptive families, depending on the size of the agency.	Adoption Consultants typically decrease wait time by connecting hopeful adoptive parents to multiple adoption agencies.
Adoption Agencies divide their time between caring for expectant mothers and hopeful adoptive parents.	Adoption Consultants focus on providing care and education solely to hopeful adoptive parents.
Adoption Agencies work with expectant mothers.	Adoption Consultants do not work with expectant mothers.
Adoption Agencies place children with adoptive families.	Adoption Consultants do not place children.
Adoption Agencies help adoptive parents connect with expectant mothers they are working with.	Adoption Consultants point adoptive parents to adoption agencies; the agencies then connect the adoptive parents to expectant mothers.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE IF USING AN ADOPTION CONSULTANT IS A GOOD FIT FOR YOU?

Now that you have a clearer picture of the differences between an adoption agency and an Adoption Consultant, you're left to decide which route to take. As you gather information and pray about whether using an Adoption Consultant is a good fit for you, the following questions may be helpful to consider:

• Does the idea of having your own personal guide focused on helping you through each step of your adoption journey sound appealing? 
• Would you like to maximize the amount of opportunities you have to present your profile book to expectant mothers?
• Is wait time something you want to factor into your decision?

If you answered "yes" to any of those questions, using an Adoption Consultant could be an excellent fit for your adoption journey! 

I'd love to hear from you! Contact me at katiefenska@gmail.com.

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