These Kids Get It

One of the most beautiful things about this adoption process has been watching the effect it's had on our kids.  We have three sweet children that are pretty amazing in many ways but they are also...well...kids, which means that they generally think a lot about themselves.  Being a family that's adopting hasn't magically erased their self-centeredness (or mine for that matter!) but God is using it to do something amazing in their little hearts.  Here's just a taste of some recent conversations around our home:

Owen:  "Can we pray for the mommy that has our baby in her belly?  Let's pray that she will take good care of the baby and that if she can't, someone else can take care of the baby until we get him."

(Side note: Owen has never heard those exact words from us.  Josh and I do talk with the kids about birthmoms, but not in great detail. Still, she is obviously very much on their minds.)

Babysitter: "Addie, your daddy and mommy are on a date but they'll be home soon.  What do you think they are doing?"

Addie Beth: "They're adopting a baby!"

Tali: "Mom, I'm going to save and save my money so someday, if I don't have any babies from my belly, I can adopt!  Well, actually, even if I do have babies, I can still adopt because there are still lots of children that need mommies and daddies, right Mom?"

They might be little, but you know what?  They get it.  Our kids know that there are kids their ages without parents and merely knowing about it isn't enough for them.  They want to do something about it.  Lord, give us all hearts like these children!

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So Excited

Hey, people!  Wanna' hear something pretty cool?  (You're probably thinking it's hard to get cooler than this little hot-shot and her rockin' dress up outfit, am I right?  Understandable.)

WE FINISHED OUR HOMESTUDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, for those of you wondering, "What in the world is a homestudy and why in the world does it matter?" let me fill you in. :)

The first big part of the adoption process is the homestudy where it's determined whether or not you can be legally approved to adopt.  So since November we have been filling out lots of paperwork, getting physicals and TB tests, writing a short autobiography, having friends fill out reference forms, reading some assigned material about birthmothers, watching some adoption education videos, doing 10 hours of adoptive training, paying the homestudy fee (about $2800) and spending time with our social workers answering lots of questions about our marriage/parenting/family background/etc.  The final part of the homestudy is a visit where the caseworkers come out to your house to make sure it's a safe place and that's what we did today soooooooooo...we are legit!

I'm sure everyone's experience with a homestudy is different, but we found it to be fairly easy and enjoyable, just time consuming.  But the reason why this is so awesome is that now we're one HUGE step closer to bringing home our baby/babies!!!! Super exciting stuff!

Our next steps are to apply for grants (we need about $10,000 before we will start applying to agencies...I'll explain that in another post), then apply to agencies, then wait to be matched with a birthmom!  We really have no idea how long these next steps will take but we're excited to be one step closer today!

God's been so faithful to get us here!  We are so excited!!!!!!

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A Big Sister's Heart

It was around bedtime when she ran in, eyes sparkling with a shy little grin on her face.  Her hands were clasped tightly and she jumped up and down with excitement.  "Mommy?  I have a belated Christmas gift for you!"

"It's for your adoption fund, Mommy!"  She opened her hands and placed into mine the twenty cents she'd been hiding.  "The sooner you have the money, the sooner we can adopt, right Mom?"  Her arms wrapped around me tightly and she squeezed, this sweet girl wanting desperately to be a big sister again.

It wasn't the act of generosity or her childlike faith that started my tears...it was her love for this little person that she doesn't even know yet-her love for her new little brother (or sister...or twins) that melted my heart.  She isn't worried if she'll love a sibling that looks different from her or concerned that the new child's family history is different than hers.  She doesn't even care about those things.  She just knows that babies are a blessing and she can't wait to have another one in the house.

I love my girl and the beautiful big sister's heart that she has.  Twenty cents has never meant so much.

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The Kind of Mom I Am

I once was the mom who couldn't believe someone could ever get frustrated or impatient with their child.  I once was the mom who couldn't imagine not wanting to sit and play on the floor with my baby all day.  I once was the mom who held tight to the wisdom passed on from the ages that "they will grow up in the blink of an eye" and tried to seize each moment of mommying.  Now...now I am many things I wish I wasn't.  I am not the mom I thought others should be or the mom I hoped to be.

I am the mom who checks her email when she could be playing dress-up.  I am the mom who uses words carelessly and makes lots of peanut butter sandwiches and gets irritated by whining and crying.  I am the mom who sometimes counts the minutes until naptime.  I get angry.  I get tired.  Sometimes I wish I could call in a substitute.  Sometimes I let them keep arguing instead of stopping what I'm doing to go help them learn to share.  Sometimes I feel like the worst mom in the world.  I am the mom who goes to bed most nights wishing I could do the day over again, wishing I had loved them better.

And if you're not that kind of mom and I sound simply awful to you, well, that's what I used to think of moms like myself, too.  So I get where you're coming from.  Maybe you never will be the kind of mom that I wish I wasn't.  And it should sound awful to some extent because, aside from salvation and marriage, is there any gift as great as the gift of a child?  Is there any job more valuable than being entrusted with the very lives and hearts of little people who will one day grow up and live lives that could completely change the world?

Maybe someday I will be the mom who doesn't waste time, who always chooses to invest in my kids instead of myself, who never gets angry and always patiently loves.  I want to change and I need to change.  But even if I did all of that, I still would not be a perfect mom.  And no matter how hard you try, you will never be a perfect mom either.  There is no perfect mom; there never was and there never will be.  But there is a perfect Savior who loved perfectly in our places, that we might be forgiven for all of our lack of love and that our children may be loved perfectly by a parent who will never fail them.  He is my only hope amidst my continual failings as a mom.

Father, thank you for always being a perfect parent even though I am not.  Please, make me more like you as I love these little ones you've given me.

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Adoption: Looking Out

I feel like Addie Beth in the picture, looking out with a huge smile, but remaining behind the closed doors, not sure of what's ahead.  We just started the first real piece to our adoption-our homestudy.  It will probably be around 3-4 months before we're finished with that step. If you're not familiar with the process, here's a brief description: it involves tons of paperwork, physicals, fingerprinting, background checks, 4-6 visits with a caseworker who will ask us tons of questions and will visit our home, and oh yeah...money.  Then, we will start having our profile (aka: small book that we make with pictures and words all about us!) shown to birthmothers.  From there, we just wait until we're matched.  After we finish our homestudy, it could be a matter of months or even just a few short weeks until we have our child(ren).

I'm sure everyone feels differently when they are going through this but here's how I feel:

I feel like I just found out that I'm pregnant.  You know that "super excited-can't believe it's happening-is this really for real?" feeling you get when you see a positive pregnancy test?  And then you quickly start imagining the feel of fresh newborn skin pressed against your cheek, the warmth of milky breath sighing deeply in sleep, white onesies and sweet footie pjs and soft blankies wrapped up tightly in your arms.  That's how I feel.

You can't see this pregnancy.  You won't look at me and see that there's a baby growing inside of me, but there is.  This baby is just growing in my heart and not my womb.

So I feel like Addie Beth looking out that door, excited and nervous all wrapped up in one.  After planning on adopting internationally for so long, this domestic route feels pretty new and unknown.  But we're confident that this is where God's led us and where He leads is always good.  Thank you, as always, for your prayers!

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"Many are the plans in the mind of the man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand." Proverbs 19:21

I thought I had some pretty great plans for this year.  Some of them were:

1)  To be completely healed of Graves' disease and never experience any thyroid issues again

2)  To adopt 2 little ones from Africa

3)  To keep encouraging my husband in his role as one of the associate pastors of our church

4)  To have a tidier house

But my plans aren't actually what stands in the sovereignty of God's perfect plans.  His plan involves:

1)  Still struggling with ups and downs of hyperthyroidism and possibly doing so for the rest of my life

2)  Adopting from the U.S.

3)  Encouraging my husband as he transitions into the lead pastor role in our church

4)  Having a house that often looks like a tornado ran through it

It can be bewildering, scary, unnerving, and just plain hard to wrap my mind around it all as I see His plans standing instead of mine.  What's happening certainly isn't all bad, but it is very different than what I had planned.  I know that other people might be confused as well by what is actually happening vs. what I've thought and said would happen.  But really, that's how life always works. How often do I actually get exactly what I think I need?  Far more often, God surprises me with a greater and better plan than I ever would have imagined on my own.  His plans are way more informed and wiser than mine ever could be. If He would have let me persist in my own plans all my life, I'm sure I would never have known that I need a Savior.  So most of the time, I'm glad that it's His purposes that stand instead of mine.  And for the times I'm fighting to believe that, these verses bring me comfort:

"All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies." Ps. 25:10

"You are good and do good; teach me your statutes."  Ps. 119:68 

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Little Kids and a Big Day

Once upon a time, three little children dreamed all summer long about the Big Day.  The anticipation was palpable in their home each Monday as they asked their parents, "Is it today?  Are we going today?!"  Then one hot summer morning, they heard the words they'd been longing to hear.  "It's Train Day!"

With smiles and nerves they quickly walked to the station, their minds and mouths filled with questions about the ride that lay ahead.

They could hardly believe their eyes when they saw the big shiny train, waiting for them to board.  They quickly climbed up the stairs and searched for the perfect seats.

The little boy sat right by the window and stared in wonder.  It was even better than he had imagined!

The baby wasn't quite sure about all the noise, but she looked up at her mommy and said with determination, "I won't scared train, Mama.  Chugga-chugga choo-choo!"

The big girl was her usual cheerful self, alternating between looking out the window, chatting with her mommy, and playing with the multitude of toys she had brought along.

The children enjoyed each and every minute but before they knew it, the train stopped. They headed out into the hot sunny world.

Thankfully, they found a fountain to splash their hands into for a while, cooling them down just a teeny bit.

But they were still hot so they decided to search for a spot to rest a while.  They found a fun, refreshing place where they drank smoothies and played a fast-paced game of Bingo with their daddy.  (The big sister won.)

Sitting still wasn't quite the baby's cup of tea, so they left in search of bigger and better adventures.

It didn't take long to find one; a huge toy-store was right down the street!  But this wasn't just any toy store.  There were tables set up all around with opened toys for them to play with.  They could hardly believe their eyes!

After they played for a little while, they left the store with special surprises from their daddy and mommy.

The family headed back to the station.  Soon, they discovered that their train would be a little late so they made themselves comfortable.

The big kids happily sat near the tracks and peered into the distance, waiting and watching for the big train to appear.

Finally, it arrived! They eagerly climbed aboard another shiny Metra and headed back home, saddened that Train Day had already come and gone.  The children stared out the windows, thinking about all of the exciting adventures they had had, and wondering what magical things awaited them in the Mondays to come.

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