Brian and Jenn's Adoption Story

God weaves so many intricate details together to intersect the life of one specific mother in crisis with the lives of one specific waiting adoptive family, all for the sake of one specific child. It blows me away.

No two stories are identical and yet each story is unmistakably marked by the hand of God.

I'm so glad that you get to watch Brian and Jenn Johnson share about their adoption journey and how bringing home their son has shaped them. The joy that is so clearly seen in this video characterized their hearts throughout their adoption process.  It was such an honor for me to walk with them as their adoption consultant and to see God working in their story. In the unknowns and waiting and each step along the way, their surrendered hearts reflected such deep peace and humility. Thank you, Brian and Jenn, for letting us share your story!

You can also head on over to this link to hear more from Fox News about their adoption!

Photo credit: from Fox News Article linked above

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For more information about domestic infant adoption, please contact me at katiefenska@gmail.com. I'd love to help you!

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Adoption: 2 Things To Consider As You Name Your Child

Photo by Maarten Deckers on Unsplash

There is just something magical about naming a child, isn't there? I remember as a young girl, dreaming about names for my "someday babies." Choosing a name for your child is such an important, beautiful gift and responsibility. It's also a complex, weighty, and emotional decision when you're talking about naming a child who enters your family through adoption. A large part of that complexity exists in the reality that through adoption, your child will be your child, but your child's life did not begin in your family. A part of your child's life and history will forever be connected to their birth family. (Or as one of our kids likes to say, "I have two families!") That can feel uncomfortable for us to think about as adoptive parents, as well as somewhat confusing. Our child is ours alone, right? As Christians who deeply value our own spiritual adoption, I think we can sometimes unhelpfully conclude that earthly adoption perfectly mirrors spiritual adoption. When God adopted you into His family you became His alone and were given a completely new identity in Christ. But when a child is adopted into a family, their history, story, and connection to their birth family is not obliterated. If you listen to adult adoptees, the majority will say that the sense of somehow being linked to their birth family doesn't disappear when they become a part of their adoptive family. So in light of that complex reality, let's talk about two important things to consider in adoption as you choose a name for your child.

1) How can you honor his/her birth parents in the naming process?
Whether your child comes to you through international adoption, domestic adoption, or adoption through foster care, there isn't a one size fits all approach to choosing a name. Take a deep breath for a moment and ask the Lord to guide you. He loves to give us wisdom as we ask Him for it! An attitude of love and humility acknowledges the importance and value of your child's birth family as you pick a name; your child's birth parents are people made in God's image. If this is a domestic adoption and the child is not yet born, remind yourself-if this mom does decide to place this child for adoption, she is entrusting you with a part of herself and giving you the greatest of all gifts-her child. She will have carried this child, given them life, and made an impossibly difficult decision to place them for adoption. Here are just a few specific ways to honor your child's birth parent(s) in the naming process:

• If it's possible (and is not the rare occasion where there's a safety issue for your child), start by talking with this birth mama about it. Are there names that she loves? Hates? Are there names that you both love?
• Would she like to choose the child's middle name while you choose the first (or vice versa)?
• Would she prefer not to be involved in the naming? 
• Can you include her name or another family name somehow?
• Does she already have a name picked out? (If so, is there a way to incorporate that into whatever name you like?) 
• Has this child already been born and is already old enough to recognize their name? If so, consider how changing names may feel to a little person whose entire life is changing through adoption.
• If your child is older and able to share their own opinion about their name-ask them if they would like to have you name them or if they want to keep the name they've already been given.

2) Are you considering the long-term implications of this particular name?
As you think through names that you like, are you considering your child's cultural heritage, the names of birth siblings and adoptive siblings (is there a pattern that would be helpful to keep?), and whether or not this name will be seen as ostracizing or inclusive? Have you considered the position it puts your child in if their birth family calls them by the name they've chosen and you call them by a completely different name? If you change the name your child was given by their birth family, it does communicate a message to your child; does that message communicate what you want it to? For some adoptees, the only thing they have from their birth parents is the name their birth parents gave them. If you choose to take that away, how will this potentially impact your child and affect your relationship with them? As your child grows, are you prepared to talk with them about how you did or did not include your child's birth parents in the naming process and why you chose to do that? It's impossible to predict exactly how your child will one day process what name they've been given, but consider the long-term implications of names as you’re making a decision.

My goal in this post is not to judge or condemn adoptive families who didn't consider these two points when they named their child. (There are adoptive families close to my heart whose naming processes didn’t involve these considerations and I don't think less of them for it!) My goal with this post is to empower adoptive families with these ideas in hopes that they will be equipped to think deeply when it's time for them to choose a name for their child. Sadly, I’ve heard from adoptive parents who deeply regret not including a part of the name their child’s birth mom gave them. I’ve also heard of a birth parent who was broken-hearted about the name the adoptive parents chose for her child (it was the name of an abusive past boyfriend). Names are a big deal!  

One day in the future, your child will want to know the story about how their name was chosen. You want to be able to whole-heartedly say that you thought and prayed deeply about this decision and that you honored their birth parent(s) as best as you could in the naming process.

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For more information about domestic infant adoption, please contact me at katiefenska@gmail.com. I'd love to chat!

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Your ICPC Wait Can Be A Gift

So much of the adoption process is about waiting. Waiting for your home study to be finished, waiting to have enough funds, waiting to be chosen by an expectant mom, waiting to see if she chooses to parent or place her child for adoption. You wait on pins and needles until the baby is born and consents are signed. FINALLY, all of the waiting is done and your long-prayed for child is in your arms! You think the wait is over...except...hold on-there's more.  Suddenly the reality that you're in yet another period of waiting washes over you with dread! If your child was born in a different state than yours, you can't go home until you have cleared ICPC (Interstate Compact on the Placing of Children). UGH! More waiting!

ICPC is the legally mandated process where paperwork must be approved between the state where the child is being placed for adoption and the family's home state before the child can cross state lines. It typically takes somewhere between 7-10 business days, but can be longer or shorter.

Over the years as an Adoption Consultant, I have seen family after family's passionate rejoicing over the child in their arms quickly turn into impatience, complaining, anxiety, or anger as they wait for their ICPC clearance to go home. It doesn't have to be this way! Your ICPC wait can be a gift. How? First, recognize the common temptations that may come and start praying for the Lord to help you with them. Then, when you're in the ICPC wait, fight the temptations with thankfulness towards God.

What kind of temptations might you face during ICPC? 
You will be tempted to complain about ICPC. You may be tempted to feel like you simply can't enjoy your baby until you're home again, tempted to fixate on the wait to be cleared, tempted to get mad at your agency or at the ICPC office for not moving faster, tempted about the money you're spending while you wait to go home, tempted to feel like you can't enjoy your new baby while you're away from your other ones, tempted to worry about work you're missing. Some (or all!) of these temptations are likely going to run through your head or heart. But you don't have to be consumed by them! Fight the temptations with thankfulness to God and your ICPC can be a gift.

Psalm 59:17 "O my Strength, I will sing praises to you, for you, O God, are my fortress, the God who shows me steadfast love."

1)  Give thanks to God for the steadfast love He has shown you throughout your adoption 
He has answered so many prayers getting you to this day. Recount His faithfulness and give thanks to Him. Remind yourself of the steadfast love He has shown you every step of the way.

2) Thank God for your child's birth mom and continue to build your relationship with her
While you're holding your precious baby, frustrated about not being able to go home yet, your child's birth mother is at home recovering from child birth with empty arms. She's made an incredibly difficult decision that's brought her tremendous loss. Thank God for her and let her know how thankful you are for this gift! If you're able, take her out to lunch, have her join in on a newborn photoshoot, or go out for dessert with her to show her your love and to have some more time with her. Those moments will be treasured forever by each of you.

1 Samuel 1:27 " For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition that I made to him."

3) Focus on bonding with your baby and thanking God for this child
You don't have to go to work or clean your house or tackle your to-do list; this is a unique time where all you have to do is focus on your baby. Thank the Lord for this child's life and pray for your heart and theirs to be connected. Look into their eyes, sing to them, wear them, do kangaroo care, tell them their adoption story.

4) Thank God for your spouse and enjoy them
Adoption can be stressful and you've walked through it together. Thank God for your husband/wife! You didn't go through this alone-you walked it with them every step of the way. Tell them specific things that you thank God for about them. Enjoy the amazing reality of being a family.

Your ICPC wait can be an incredible time of gratitude towards God and a time of making memories as a family. Fight the temptations that come by giving thanks to God!

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For more information about domestic infant adoption, please contact me. 

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I'm Already Home Study Ready: Why Use An Adoption Consultant?

“I’m already home study ready and waiting with a local attorney/agency. What would be the benefit of me working with a consultant at this point?" 

This is a great question that I hear frequently from families inquiring about working with me. Here are three main reasons that it’s worth it to work with a consultant, even if you are already active with a local agency/attorney:

1.  More opportunities to have your profile book shown to expectant moms making an adoption plan
2.  Personalized support, prayer, and guidance
3.  Being a part of a caring community of adoptive families

Wider Reach
I help point you to multiple agencies and attorneys across the U.S., increasing your opportunities to present your profile book to more expectant moms. Increased exposure to adoption situations often means decreased wait time; our families match with an expectant mom on average less than a year after applying to multiple agencies. (This is a huge difference from being a waiting family with just one agency or attorney where you present your profile book only with the expectant moms that come in to that specific office. If it’s a small local agency, likely there will not be many placements per year there despite often having quite a lot of waiting adoptive families. Often, I will hear from families that have been waiting for 2-3 years with their specific agency and have only had their profile book shown a handful of times.) Some of the agencies on our recommended list choose to initially waive their application fee for our families, giving you the chance to present your profile book to expectant moms without paying anything to those agencies ahead of time.

Personalized Support
As your consultant, my job is to be there for YOU. I don’t work for an adoption agency or with birth parents. I work with you for you. With each adoption situation that you see, I am there to help you think through all the complexities involved and pray for you. Sometimes this may mean cautioning you about a risky situation, or offering feedback about your personal letter to a specific expectant mom, getting in touch with an agency on your behalf if you have some additional questions, or walking you through how to lovingly care for a mom you're matched with. Often, my role will be offering a listening ear, sharing encouragement and scripture, pointing you towards excellent educational resources, and praying for you. In addition to being an adoption professional who is in your corner, I’m an adoptive mama who understands the emotions involved with adoption because I’ve been there (twice)!

Caring Community
Each adoptive family that I work with has the opportunity to be a part of a moderated private online adoption group. Since I have worked with hundreds of adoptive families during their adoption journey, this large community is a wealth of knowledge and support. Having a community of families who “get it” is so vital to persevering through the ups and downs of the adoption journey. These families will also cheer you on and pray for you along with me.

Here are a few stories from families of mine that started with me after already being home study ready and waiting with another agency/attorney! Bryan and Jayne, Jimmy and Kyle, Gary and Angela.

If you’ve been waiting for a while with one attorney/agency and you’re ready to have more opportunities to present your profile book, you’re ready to receive personalized support, prayer, and guidance, and you’re eager to be a part of a caring community of adoptive families, using an adoption consultant might be a great next step for you!

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For more information about domestic infant adoption, please contact me. I'd love to be a part of your adoption journey!

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Joel and Jaime's Adoption Story: Endurance and Hope

Photo Credit: Higher Focus Studios

Joel and Jaime so beautifully followed the Lord's guidance throughout their adoption journey, even through deep waters and grief. I feel grateful to have gotten to know them and to have been their adoption consultant! The way they have loved (and continue to love) their daughter's birth mom is a vivid picture of the deep and faithful love of God. I'm so glad that they wanted to share some of their adoption story with us.

"Patience, trust, endurance, and hope were central in our adoption journey. From the time we both felt the urge to adopt, to the time we brought our daughter home, about four years elapsed. During that time we experienced the birth and, shortly thereafter, the unexpected death of our son, Wesley. When we found out we were expecting Wesley we thought, perhaps, our hopes for adoption had been misplaced, or maybe our timing was off. We were moving toward adoption, but it appeared God had other plans for our family. We had an approved home study, and we were waiting for a baby, but we put all that aside when we found we were expecting our baby boy. Wesley was born after a healthy pregnancy, but passed away due to unexpected complications during childbirth. He was less than two days old."

"We were confused, to put it mildly. To finally reach the point of feeling we were emotionally ready to adopt, only to have those dreams set aside, then to have our baby, the reason we had set those dreams aside, die, was soul rending. We were crushed, and recovery from the loss of our son has been the hardest thing we have ever gone through as a family. We felt, almost as if it were a long-fostered spiritual reflex, that God had a plan and purpose for us, in spite of the valley we were walking through. As time passed, we again began to feel the familiar urges toward adoption."

"Prior to talking to Katie, we had been at a bit of a loss as to how to proceed. Which agency should we choose? Were we doing the things that needed to be done? Were we getting good advice? Working with Katie just made sense for us. When we considered the benefits of being able to present across a network of multiple agencies in multiple states, and having a consultant to walk with us through the process, the choice to contract with Katie was an easy one."

"After the frustrations of presenting again and again, and constantly feeling like we were being rejected, the way our adoption unfolded was absolutely amazing! We were matched with a woman in Louisiana, a mother not much younger than ourselves, who was expecting a little girl. We were guardedly excited when we got that “yes”, but we tried very hard to temper our enthusiasm, and to prepare our hearts for disappointment, should it come."

"Our daughter’s birth mom was gracious in allowing our daughter to room with us as soon as we arrived at the hospital, which was about 4 hours after our daughter was born. Those first couple weeks after birth, while we were waiting for ICPC, were especially significant. We intentionally reached out to our birth mom and we were able to spend time with her on multiple occasions, including a photo session with our daughter. We made the decision to invite her to the photo shoot, knowing it would be the only opportunity any of us would have to photograph her with her newborn baby. The pictures that came from that photo shoot are already unbelievably precious to us, and we’re so glad we invited her into our lives in that way. We hope both we and our daughter can have an open, healthy relationship with her over the years."

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Let's chat! Contact me for more info about adoption.

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