Adoption Hierarchy Craziness

(To read part one of how we entered the domestic adoption world, click here.)

As Lord Grantham says on Downton Abbey, "We all have chapters we would rather keep unpublished."  This is a part of our adoption story that I'd rather just forget about.  I've debated sharing it but it's a part of how God brought us to this point.  Plus, I've grown increasingly dissatisfied with anything less than authenticity.  (Facades are a really huge waste of time and I want people to know the real me, not a dressed up version of who I really am.)

(image courtesy of habituallychic.blogspot.com, a blog I have never read)

So, the honest truth? I have been completely resistent to the idea of adopting domestically for many years.  Josh did try to bring it up a couple of times, but when he did, I firmly (and probably rudely) said, "NO."  I told him that I couldn't handle the risk of a birthmom possibly changing her mind; that seemed unthinkable to me.

Then, out of the blue last summer, we suddenly found ourselves in a position where we couldn't escape thinking hard about adopting from the U.S.. We were approached about a pregnant woman in our area that was considering adoption.  If a family wasn't found for this baby, the child would likely be placed in foster care.  Everything changed for us.  There was a real woman with a real baby that was in real need of a family.  Was I willing to surrender my idea of what I thought adoption would look like for us?  Was I willing to risk the possibility of the mom changing her mind?  Those were agonizing questions to ask.  Suddenly, adoption became much less "what do I want to do" and much more "what is God calling our specific family to do"?  

Not long after we learned of that local situation, the family decided to parent their child.  But my heart began to change.  The risk of a birthmom changing her mind had (in a very small way) already happened to us and I lived through it.  But I was still really resistent to giving up the dream of adopting from Africa.  Why?

I couldn't have articulated this at the time, but I was walking around with this false notion of a hierarchy in adoption.  It went something like this: children living in orphanages are the ones who need a family.  Adopting internationally is more important than adopting domestically. Everyone wants babies here in the U.S. and the waiting list is huge so that's not really a need; toddler or older or special needs international adoption is really more needed than any other adoption situation. 

God does NOT view people that way.  The truth is that every single person is made in God's image and so every single person has value and dignity before Him.  Every single child that comes into this world deserves to have a family.  Before God, every soul is equally in need of love and salvation and hope, whether they live in Africa or in America.  There is no hierarchy in God's economy when it comes to orphans, or to anyone for that matter.  When Jesus walked the earth, His love reached out to all kinds of people with all kinds of stories.  As someone loved by God, I'm called by Him to love others, and not just the orphans in third world countries but everyone everywhere.  

Repenting about my thinking was a huge turning point for me.  Still, there had been no lightening bolt vision from heaven, showing us where to adopt. And I was really hoping for one...

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Somewhere Tonight

Somewhere tonight, she is there.  I don't know her name.  I don't know what has brought her to this place.   I don't know what she looks like or what her background is or what makes her laugh or what her dreams for this baby are.  But I know that she's out there.  She might be scared.  She might be confused.  She might feel alone or angry or completely unsure of where to go or what to do.  Maybe she's not sure if she can continue with this pregnancy.  Maybe she's trying to just ignore the life inside of her.  Maybe she has been abandoned, forsaken, kicked out and without a place to go because of this baby.  Maybe she feels like all hope for her future has ended.  

Maybe she's considering ending this life or maybe she wants so badly to keep this baby.  Maybe she is doing all she can to feed the mouths of the little ones she already has and knows she can't add another.  Maybe she has a supportive OB or maybe she's never seen a doctor because she doesn't have insurance.  Maybe she has a husband who's standing by her through this decision or maybe she has a boyfriend who has left her when he heard or maybe she doesn't even know who this baby's father is.  Maybe she's a teenager or maybe she's a woman or maybe she's somewhere in between.

I've never met her.  In truth, I know virtually nothing about her.  Still, I lay awake at night thinking of her, praying for her, crying for her. I know that she is an amazing person because choosing to go through nine months of pregnancy knowing you will not be there for the first smile, first steps, first words, first everything is grief unimaginable.  She is brave and she is making an incredibly selfless choice. Again and again, I'm asking God to bring her to someone who will stand by her through this, someone to show her the love of a God who does not let go...someone who will show her Jesus.

Somewhere tonight, she is there.  We don't know her name.  We don't know what has brought her to this place but we know that she's out there. Whatever differences she and I may have, what we've got in common cannot be measured.  We both want what's best for this baby and our lives will never be the same because of this child.

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These Kids Get It

One of the most beautiful things about this adoption process has been watching the effect it's had on our kids.  We have three sweet children that are pretty amazing in many ways but they are also...well...kids, which means that they generally think a lot about themselves.  Being a family that's adopting hasn't magically erased their self-centeredness (or mine for that matter!) but God is using it to do something amazing in their little hearts.  Here's just a taste of some recent conversations around our home:

Owen:  "Can we pray for the mommy that has our baby in her belly?  Let's pray that she will take good care of the baby and that if she can't, someone else can take care of the baby until we get him."

(Side note: Owen has never heard those exact words from us.  Josh and I do talk with the kids about birthmoms, but not in great detail. Still, she is obviously very much on their minds.)

Babysitter: "Addie, your daddy and mommy are on a date but they'll be home soon.  What do you think they are doing?"

Addie Beth: "They're adopting a baby!"

Tali: "Mom, I'm going to save and save my money so someday, if I don't have any babies from my belly, I can adopt!  Well, actually, even if I do have babies, I can still adopt because there are still lots of children that need mommies and daddies, right Mom?"

They might be little, but you know what?  They get it.  Our kids know that there are kids their ages without parents and merely knowing about it isn't enough for them.  They want to do something about it.  Lord, give us all hearts like these children!

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So Excited

Hey, people!  Wanna' hear something pretty cool?  (You're probably thinking it's hard to get cooler than this little hot-shot and her rockin' dress up outfit, am I right?  Understandable.)

WE FINISHED OUR HOMESTUDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, for those of you wondering, "What in the world is a homestudy and why in the world does it matter?" let me fill you in. :)

The first big part of the adoption process is the homestudy where it's determined whether or not you can be legally approved to adopt.  So since November we have been filling out lots of paperwork, getting physicals and TB tests, writing a short autobiography, having friends fill out reference forms, reading some assigned material about birthmothers, watching some adoption education videos, doing 10 hours of adoptive training, paying the homestudy fee (about $2800) and spending time with our social workers answering lots of questions about our marriage/parenting/family background/etc.  The final part of the homestudy is a visit where the caseworkers come out to your house to make sure it's a safe place and that's what we did today soooooooooo...we are legit!

I'm sure everyone's experience with a homestudy is different, but we found it to be fairly easy and enjoyable, just time consuming.  But the reason why this is so awesome is that now we're one HUGE step closer to bringing home our baby/babies!!!! Super exciting stuff!

Our next steps are to apply for grants (we need about $10,000 before we will start applying to agencies...I'll explain that in another post), then apply to agencies, then wait to be matched with a birthmom!  We really have no idea how long these next steps will take but we're excited to be one step closer today!

God's been so faithful to get us here!  We are so excited!!!!!!

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A Big Sister's Heart

It was around bedtime when she ran in, eyes sparkling with a shy little grin on her face.  Her hands were clasped tightly and she jumped up and down with excitement.  "Mommy?  I have a belated Christmas gift for you!"

"It's for your adoption fund, Mommy!"  She opened her hands and placed into mine the twenty cents she'd been hiding.  "The sooner you have the money, the sooner we can adopt, right Mom?"  Her arms wrapped around me tightly and she squeezed, this sweet girl wanting desperately to be a big sister again.

It wasn't the act of generosity or her childlike faith that started my tears...it was her love for this little person that she doesn't even know yet-her love for her new little brother (or sister...or twins) that melted my heart.  She isn't worried if she'll love a sibling that looks different from her or concerned that the new child's family history is different than hers.  She doesn't even care about those things.  She just knows that babies are a blessing and she can't wait to have another one in the house.

I love my girl and the beautiful big sister's heart that she has.  Twenty cents has never meant so much.

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The Kind of Mom I Am

I once was the mom who couldn't believe someone could ever get frustrated or impatient with their child.  I once was the mom who couldn't imagine not wanting to sit and play on the floor with my baby all day.  I once was the mom who held tight to the wisdom passed on from the ages that "they will grow up in the blink of an eye" and tried to seize each moment of mommying.  Now...now I am many things I wish I wasn't.  I am not the mom I thought others should be or the mom I hoped to be.

I am the mom who checks her email when she could be playing dress-up.  I am the mom who uses words carelessly and makes lots of peanut butter sandwiches and gets irritated by whining and crying.  I am the mom who sometimes counts the minutes until naptime.  I get angry.  I get tired.  Sometimes I wish I could call in a substitute.  Sometimes I let them keep arguing instead of stopping what I'm doing to go help them learn to share.  Sometimes I feel like the worst mom in the world.  I am the mom who goes to bed most nights wishing I could do the day over again, wishing I had loved them better.

And if you're not that kind of mom and I sound simply awful to you, well, that's what I used to think of moms like myself, too.  So I get where you're coming from.  Maybe you never will be the kind of mom that I wish I wasn't.  And it should sound awful to some extent because, aside from salvation and marriage, is there any gift as great as the gift of a child?  Is there any job more valuable than being entrusted with the very lives and hearts of little people who will one day grow up and live lives that could completely change the world?

Maybe someday I will be the mom who doesn't waste time, who always chooses to invest in my kids instead of myself, who never gets angry and always patiently loves.  I want to change and I need to change.  But even if I did all of that, I still would not be a perfect mom.  And no matter how hard you try, you will never be a perfect mom either.  There is no perfect mom; there never was and there never will be.  But there is a perfect Savior who loved perfectly in our places, that we might be forgiven for all of our lack of love and that our children may be loved perfectly by a parent who will never fail them.  He is my only hope amidst my continual failings as a mom.

Father, thank you for always being a perfect parent even though I am not.  Please, make me more like you as I love these little ones you've given me.

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Adoption: Looking Out

I feel like Addie Beth in the picture, looking out with a huge smile, but remaining behind the closed doors, not sure of what's ahead.  We just started the first real piece to our adoption-our homestudy.  It will probably be around 3-4 months before we're finished with that step. If you're not familiar with the process, here's a brief description: it involves tons of paperwork, physicals, fingerprinting, background checks, 4-6 visits with a caseworker who will ask us tons of questions and will visit our home, and oh yeah...money.  Then, we will start having our profile (aka: small book that we make with pictures and words all about us!) shown to birthmothers.  From there, we just wait until we're matched.  After we finish our homestudy, it could be a matter of months or even just a few short weeks until we have our child(ren).

I'm sure everyone feels differently when they are going through this but here's how I feel:

I feel like I just found out that I'm pregnant.  You know that "super excited-can't believe it's happening-is this really for real?" feeling you get when you see a positive pregnancy test?  And then you quickly start imagining the feel of fresh newborn skin pressed against your cheek, the warmth of milky breath sighing deeply in sleep, white onesies and sweet footie pjs and soft blankies wrapped up tightly in your arms.  That's how I feel.

You can't see this pregnancy.  You won't look at me and see that there's a baby growing inside of me, but there is.  This baby is just growing in my heart and not my womb.

So I feel like Addie Beth looking out that door, excited and nervous all wrapped up in one.  After planning on adopting internationally for so long, this domestic route feels pretty new and unknown.  But we're confident that this is where God's led us and where He leads is always good.  Thank you, as always, for your prayers!

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