Isn't There Another Way?

Last night my mind was running through all of the paperwork for adoption grants yet to be applied to, then to all of the paperwork yet to be filled out when we apply to agencies, then to all the paperwork that I don't even know about that will likely happen after being matched with a birthmom.  As I was mentally picturing all of these papers yet to be filled out and all of the papers that we've already done, well...I felt tired.  Then I thought, "Isn't there an easier way?"

God instantly brought to mind Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, staring into the cup of God's wrath that awaited Him as He looked ahead to the cross.  And He pleaded, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.”  (Matthew 26:39)  But He knew there wasn't another way.  Our sin completely separated us from God.  It was either Jesus endure incredible suffering and agony being hung on the cross, taking on God's full punishment for sin or God's children could not be a part of His family forever.  There was no other way.

I'm not trying to compare adoption paper work to the crucifixion of Jesus, believe me.  But, I think the Lord wanted to show me two things through remembering this.  First, no amount of suffering I go through compares to the suffering that Jesus went through for me.  He was still completely human while He was completely God.  So He completely felt every bit of that excruciating pain and suffering.  It wasn't lessened because He was sovereign and knew what was coming next.  And that pain?  Being utterly separated from His father and having every sinful thought, action, and word heaped on Himself, bearing the guilt and full weight of that sin even though He had never done anything wrong, and taking the punishment for it all...that is a pain unimaginable.

My weariness at all this paperwork?  It is real and it is hard but it does not compare to all that Christ went through for me.  I will never know what it's like to have every single sin of every single person put on me.  I will never know what it's like to then experience God's wrath and condemnation against all of that evil that I never actually did.  I will never know it because Jesus suffered in my place.

Secondly, adoption is not easy.  It wasn't easy for God to adopt His children into His family.  It wasn't easy for Him to send His Son to the cross.  It wasn't easy and pain free for Jesus to be crucified.  God's adoption of His children came at a great cost to Himself. Is it any wonder that there would be some hard things for us as we're in the process of adopting? 

So when I picture the paperwork that awaits me, I want to be amazed at what Jesus has done to make me God's child.  I want to stand in awe as I remember that there was no other way.  And I want to thank God that Jesus didn't give up in the midst of the hard but said, "Not my will, but Yours be done." 
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For information about how I can help you in your adoption journey, please contact me.

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The Day "T" Was Born

We stood in the hallway alone on the Mother and Baby floor, waiting for the social worker to tell us we could go in. I looked at the walls-beautiful photographs of happy babies everywhere, no signs of the heartache and loss happening right beyond the doors. In moments we would meet the woman who had just given birth to her son and had chosen our family to be his parents.

It was quiet...almost like a holy silence filled the air. I looked at Josh. He looked at me. What could possibly be said? My hands were shaking and my heart was in my throat. And then, before either of us knew what to do or what to say, the silence was over and we were told we could go in.

I will never forget her beautiful smile. We sat down and it seemed as if everything was in slow motion. My head was foggy and my voice cracked; the gravity of the moment felt too real to take in...sacred. We were about to gain one of the most incredible gifts of our lives. She was about to lose the son she had sacrificially carried for nine months.

I remember it all so clearly...how we talked and laughed and awkwardly sought to know each other. But the moment that leaves me weeping each time I think of it is this: through her big beautiful smile, she asked, "Well, do you want to meet him?" Him. Her son. Her son that she gained weight for and lost sleep for and went to doctor's appointments for and went through labor and delivery for and answered questions about for nine.long.months. Him. The baby our family had been praying for and longing for. Our son. Her son. It was the only time she would ever be able to ask someone if they wanted to meet her baby.

Now, almost two years later, I still feel undone as I think about it. It is one of the clearest glimpses of selfless love that I've ever seen.

 

* Note: photo credit: Gravity Weddings

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Proud White Mama of My Beautiful Black Son

I'm a pale-skinned freckle-faced red head. (In other words, I'm about as white as you can get.) I grew up in small town America where almost everyone else was white like me. And I will be the first to admit that, though I'm seeking to learn, I don't fully "get" what it's like to be black in America.

I don't know what it's like to be judged unfairly, hated by some, misunderstood and mistreated simply because of the color of my skin. I don't know what it's like to walk around with the knowledge that some people assume I'm violent or poor or less than or uneducated or unintelligent simply because of my skin color. I don't know what it's like to experience the evil of racism first hand. I don't know what it's like because I'm white.

But I do know what it's like to be the mommy of a beautiful black baby boy.

I know what it's like to look at his beautiful brown skin and feel his warm hand in mine and wonder if my heart might burst right out of my chest with love.

I know what it's like to hold him in my arms and tell him that his skin is beautiful, that God made him black for His glory, that he is made in the image of God.

I know what it's like to sit down with my four children, watching Dr. Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream" speech, tears streaming down my face in awe at the miracle that my family gets to look like this.

Though there are many things I don't know, there is one thing I know for sure; I know that being the white, pale-skinned mommy of my beautiful black baby boy is one of the greatest joys of my life.

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What We Would Have Missed

It's been over a year now since our beautiful baby boy was born. He has definitely changed our lives for the better. (Go ahead, you can say it-he is so stinkin' adorable!!!!)  If you catch me on any given day, I'm likely to gush about how amazing my son is and how much we love him.  But there's something else that echoes around in my brain and heart about adoption that won't be silent, something that haunts me when I dwell on it for too long; we could have missed this.  We could have missed being this incredible little guy's parents.

There was a time when we thought about adoption and dreamed about it but that was as far as it went.  Every day of everyone's life is busy and adoption was just on the backburner as a "someday" in our minds.  Then, questions of "How will we ever afford this" or "What if the child grows up and struggles with their identity" (don't we all?!) or "What if it all falls through" or "What if we don't feel connected" accompanied our discussions and muddied our thoughts.  Again, we didn't do anything about it.  This is what haunts me: if we had spun our wheels for years and years around those questions or just kept rolling with the busyness of life, we would have never have become Titus' parents.

We would have never sat in a small hospital room in Florida three hours after this baby was born, holding him and whispering to him and singing to him, letting him know he was not alone.

We would never gotten to gaze into these deep dark eyes, loving so fiercely a little person who doesn't share our genetics.

Three big kids would never have experienced what it's like to make him laugh or to help him learn to walk or to care about his birthmom that they've never met or to have their hearts burst with love each time he flashes his handsome smile at them.

We would have never gotten to watch him squeal with delight every time his daddy enters the room or heard him cry with sorrow each time his daddy heads to work.

We would never have gained the awe and compassion we have now for women who make the courageous and selfless decision to give life to a child they won't raise.

We would never have heard his hilarious giggle or watched him delight in being pushed in a swing or watched him hide his sippy cups in the cupboard.  We would have missed it.  All of it.

Every day we are thankful for our little boy.  Every day we are thankful that God moved us from a place of just thinking about adoption to actually becoming this kid's parents.  Still, it haunts me that we could have missed it all.  And it haunts me that you might miss something equally amazing by letting your busyness or your fears or your questions keep you from the gift of adoption.  Please don't miss this.  

If God's been stirring something in your heart about adoption or foster care, don't just sit on it.  Do something.  Take a step.  Talk to someone who can help you think through your hesitations (Josh and I would absolutely love to talk with you about our journey to Titus and how God used Christian Adoption Consultants to help us.).  You will never regret sharing God's heart for children who need parents.  You will never regret all that you would have missed.

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Why You Should be Amazed By Her

I want to tell you a little bit about why you should love Titus' birth mom.

Titus' birth mom placed him for adoption BECAUSE SHE LOVES HIM.

I can't not cry as I think about this. (I cry about this regularly, actually!)  She carried him for nine long months.  She willingly gained weight, lost sleep, felt uncomfortable, etc. for a child she knew she was not going to raise.  Abortion surely made itself readily available to her and she could have ended his life but she chose not to.  She chose not to because she wanted him to have the opportunity at life.  She gave him life because of her selflessness.

Every time I kiss my baby's chubby cheeks-it's because of her sacrifice.  Every time I rock him and hold him close-it's because of her brave choice.  Every time I make him laugh-it's because she put his interests above her own.  Every single day, I think of Titus' beautiful birth mom and I love her so much that I just want to burst.  I want to hug her and tell her over and over and over that her/our little boy is just the most amazing and happy baby I've ever seen.  I want her to know that all of her sacrifices are worth it.  

There was a time, before we decided to adopt domestically, that I was so very scared of birth moms. I didn't want to walk around fearing she'd come back or feeling like my baby was someone else's baby, too.  I didn't think birth moms were incredible...I judged them and feared them.  So if that's where you are right now, I get that; I really do.  But this side of the adoption, all of that just seems utterly ridiculous.  I wouldn't even be Titus' mom-Titus wouldn't even be alive at all if it were not for her courageous love.  

I mean...I have my baby boy sleeping in the room next to me right now because of her selflessness.  I can't help but be amazed by her.  I think you should be, too.

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Smiles and Tears: Adoption Joys and Grief

(Bear with the junky picture quality as it's easier to grab my iphone w/a newborn in hand than it is to grab my Nikon.)

When people ask how it's going over here, it's difficult to know what to say.  We're experiencing such a mixture of joy and sorrow all wrapped into one.

There is deep joy as I stare into Titus' dark brown eyes, amazed that he is really here, really with us after years of praying for him.  There are smiles as I hear Addie Beth talking to her little brother ("Titus, will you tackle me when you're a big boy?  Yes, I bet you will!") and smiles as I watch the three big kids fight over who can hold the baby next.  There is incredible rejoicing over this baby's life and the gift of having him in our family.

But do you know what else there is?  There is sorrow and there are tears because adoption isn't just beautiful-it is loss.  The very first thing that happened in my son's life was loss-he lost the only voice and presence he'd known for nine months.  Each day as I hold him and watch him grow, I am so aware that his birthmom is not holding him and not watching him grow.  It is heartbreaking to imagine her loss.

There is such joy in snuggling my sweet boy and kissing his soft skin and marveling at all that God did to bring him into our family.  There is joy in holding him close and loving him with such a depth that only God can orchestrate.

But there are also many tears as we grieve losing the twins.  Please understand, Titus is not "second best" to us or anything like that at all.  Titus is fiercely loved and we would not trade him for any child or children in the world.  But we still grieve the lives of the little boys we thought would be our sons.  When we were matched with the twins, we saw them as our children.  We planned and dreamed and imagined what life would be like once they came-much like we did with each pregnancy I had.  So not having them enter our family is like a death to us and it is certainly not erased by the joy of having Titus.

I wear my sweet boy throughout the day, holding him close and whispering to him, "We have always wanted you.  We have always loved you.  God has a plan for your life, Titus."  Sometimes I say it through tears as I think of the twins and their birthmom and wonder how she's doing.  Sometimes I say it as I smile and remember meeting him for the first time a little over five weeks ago.  Sometimes I say it as I cry for Titus' birthmom and wonder what she's feeling and thinking.  Sometimes I say it as I wonder what he will think years from now as he tries to make sense of out his adoption.

We have a lot of smiles going on over here and that's for sure.  But there is a lot of sorrow that accompanies the joys of adoption, too.  My comfort is knowing that God, the Author of adoption, understands and He relates.  His adoption of us into His family cost Him the very life of His Son.  That is a grief and sorrow unimaginable.  God understands that adoption hurts because it hurt Him, too.  He is my comfort and I pray that He will be Titus' comfort one day as well.

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Thankful

Our days are somewhat crazy but filled with fun. Four little people to love and cherish and cook for and clean up after. I still can hardly believe that this is our life...we are so blessed.

Titus fits so perfectly into our family.  It's incredible, really, how three weeks ago we didn't even know anything about him and now it's as if he's always been a part of us.  I could say it a million times-adoption is beautiful.

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Surreal

I'm sitting here holding Titus, feeling like I'm in some sort of a dream.  This is my baby.  The baby we've been praying for and longing for.  He's here...in my arms.  It is incredibly surreal.

Titus is our son and our hearts are so full, yet there is such a mixture of emotions as we pause to consider all that's happened in the last three weeks.  There really has been extreme emotions of sorrow and joy that have exploded in our hearts over such a short amount of time.

There's still a sorrow over the situation with the twins ending.  There's a mourning when I think of their birthmom and how much I miss talking with her and about the precious little boys that won't be a part of our family.  But there's an incomparable delight as I look at our Titus with gratitude and realize that he is everything we've been praying for!  There's an aching grief as we consider Titus' birthmom and all that she must be going through. There's a grief as I think about how I wasn't there for the nine months of his pregnancy, how I didn't get to talk to him in utero and tell him how much he is loved and wanted.  But there's awe and wonder as I kiss his little cheeks now and touch his soft hair and marvel that he is home with us.

These days feel very surreal, as if we're living in a movie or a dream.  Still, each morning, I wake up to the sounds of little baby grunts waiting to be answered with milk.  It is almost too much to take in...

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The Broken and Beautiful Path to Our Son: Part 3

We woke up late that Thursday morning yet still felt tired.  Few words were spoken as we got into our rental car and headed to pick up lunch before we went to the airport.  We sang a sweet song we'd heard on xmradio the night before.  "My God is Awesome, He can move mountains, keep me in the valley...hide me from the rain.  My God is Awesome, heals me when I'm broken, strength where I've been weakened, forever He will reign."  Rain fell softly on the windshield and we drove some more in silence.

I started wondering aloud.  "Why are we even here, Josh?  Isn't it just weird?  Why are we in Florida?"  He shook his head slowly and said, "I don't know."

A minute or so later, around 11am, my phone rang.  I looked at the name: Tracie Loux (our dearly loved adoption consultant) and my heart began to beat faster. "Katie, where are you?  Are you still in Florida?"  Now my heart beat wildly out of my chest.  "Yes...What's going on?" I asked as I started to tremble.  

"Ok, I'm literally shaking.  Katie there's a birthmom being induced in a couple of hours there in Florida and she wants to make an adoption plan.  Are you guys interested?"  I started crying as I relayed the info to Josh and we immediately said, "YES!"  "Ok, don't go anywhere!"  Tracie replied.  We pulled into the closest spot we could find to wait to hear more: Bruegger's Bagels.

As Josh waited in line for our food, I opened my Bible to Psalm 27 and prayed through the familiar verses again.  Soon we found ourselves emailing our profile to the attorney's office.  Someone from the office gave us a call to relay their initial conversation with the birthmom.  "I told her [the birthmom] all about you guys and your situation.  She said, 'I'll look at the profile but tell them to put a smile back on their faces. God does everything for a reason.'"  We could hardly believe what we were hearing!  A couple minutes later the amazing attorney's assistant called back and said some of the sweetest words I've ever heard: "Y'all aren't going back to Illinois."  I started crying and frantically packed up all of our things.

We just happened to be minutes from the attorney's office so we met her at Starbucks to take care of a few legal details, and then we hit the road to drive to Pensacola.  Just like that, two hours after we had heard about him, we were on the way to go meet our son.

Around 1:30 we got a phone call from our much loved attorney's assistant again.  "The baby was born!  He's 6lbs 15oz.  They will be waiting for you when you get there."  We were in shock and started to work on a name for the little guy.  We stopped once on the excruciatingly long 3 hour drive to go to the bathroom but we literally RAN to the bathroom and back to the car, refusing to waste any time.

After stopping to pick up some flowers, we met the social worker at the hospital and were taken in to meet our son's sweet birthmom.  Though she had known for months that she would choose adoption, God kept this lovely brave warm woman from making a plan until we were in Florida.  We loved our time with her; she is articulate, strong, warm, funny, and beautifully brave.  It was completely surreal to hear her excitement about choosing our family.  Then we went to a small room in the hospital and waited for the nurses to bring in our son.

Around 5:30pm, we saw our little boy for the first time.  Words can't describe all that we felt in that moment.

Only God can author a story like this.  Adoption is beautiful.

     I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD

                                                                                   in the land of the living!

                            Wait for the LORD;

                                                                           be strong, 

                               and let your heart take courage;

                                                                                                  wait for the LORD!

                                           (Psalm 27:13-14 ESV)

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The Broken and Beautiful Path to Our Son: Part 2

Amidst the sorrow of processing the unexpected end to our match with the twins, God continued to show us His love.  But experiencing His care didn't make all of the hurt go away-far from it.  There were many many tears, many unanswered questions, and a sense of complete confusion as to why in the world we were in Florida.

We drove to a Starbucks, planning to spend some time writing a letter to the twins' birthmom.  We wanted to tell her we love her dearly and wanted an opportunity to share with her again how thankful we are for the chance we had to get to know her.

We pulled into the Starbucks parking lot and Josh said, "Let's check out a different one, this one doesn't look that great."  So we went on for a couple more exits and then went inside a nice spacious Starbucks.  We sat down, extremely burdened and overwhelmed as to what we should write.

Suddenly, Josh looked up towards the doorway with a strange expression on his face.  "Is that Jesse," he asked?  "It can't be.  I didn't think he lived in this part of Florida," I said.  But walking towards us came a dear pastor friend that we've known for over seven years.  He just happened to be in the area visiting a church member that was in a nearby hospital.  He just happened to come to Starbucks for the second time that day before he headed home.

After sharing with Jesse why we were in Florida, he and the co-pastor with him said, "We're going to pray for you right now.  Let's sit down."  They prayed for us, encouraged us, and grieved with us.  Right in the middle of one of the hardest weeks of our entire life, right in the middle of some random place in Florida where we'd never been before, God sent a kind, compassionate friend to pray for us.

As we drove away, I was overcome by the absolute unmistakable care of God for us.  He didn't have to bring Jesse into Starbucks to pray for us but He did.  My grieving heart felt such a deep comfort in knowing that God was very near to us and He was going to great lengths to let us know He cared.  A sense of peace mixed with sorrow reigned as Josh and I drove on to Tallahassee for the night.  We expected to fly back to Illinois in the morning.  Little did we know that our entire lives were about to be changed forever.

To read Part 3 go here.

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The Broken and Beautiful Path to Our Son: Part 1

God's ways are often so mysterious; they rarely make sense when we're in the midst of a dark cloud of sorrow.  Our week began under that cloud, ridden with tears and disappointment that our match to adopt twins had ended.  We love those twins and their selfless birthmom immensely so ending our match with them was excruciating and felt much like a death to be greived.

That match ended as we were heading to Florida to meet the twins' birthparents.  (In fact, when we arrived at Midway Airport, Josh asked if we should just stay in Chicago.  Then while we were in line, I asked him, "Should we really just go?  What for?")  Instead of arriving and meeting the twins' birthmom who we love, we had a phone call with the attorney's office and then headed to the beach, heartbroken and confused as to what had just happened.  I have never seen my husband cry so hard and I have never felt so numb in all of my life.  All we had hoped for, all we had imagined, all we had dreamed about these twins had been crushed.  It was devastating.

But amidst the tears and the questions and the exhaustion, God was there.  He was there and He went to great lengths to remind us that He cared.

In the spectacular sunset over the ocean, He reminded us of how beautiful He is.  

Psalm 19:1"The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims His handiwork."

With the raised hands of a father, praying over his son on the beach, He reminded us, "I'm here."

In the quirky stillness of a local beach shop...

In the peaceful emptiness of a charming bed and breakfast...

In the freshness of a bright blue sky, God was caring for us.  He led me to Psalm 27:13,14 and we clung to it for dear life:

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD

in the land of the living!

Wait for the LORD;

be strong, and let your heart take courage;

wait for the LORD!

          (Psalm 27:13-14 ESV)

Wednesday morning, I texted with my friend and adoption consultant, Tracie, who had been praying for us (my writing is in green).  Here was our short conversation:

(a "stork drop" is adoption lingo for a last minute adoption situation)

You can read Part 2 of the story here.

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Surprise! Meet Our Son!

Stay tuned for this incredible story!  God has absolutely stunned us with His amazing care and love for us and for our new son.  We can't wait to share more with you!

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