I'm a pale-skinned freckle-faced red head. (In other words, I'm about as white as you can get.) I grew up in small town America where almost everyone else was white like me. And I will be the first to admit that, though I'm seeking to learn, I don't fully "get" what it's like to be black in America.

I don't know what it's like to be judged unfairly, hated by some, misunderstood and mistreated simply because of the color of my skin. I don't know what it's like to walk around with the knowledge that some people assume I'm violent or poor or less than or uneducated or unintelligent simply because of my skin color. I don't know what it's like to experience the evil of racism first hand. I don't know what it's like because I'm white.

But I do know what it's like to be the mommy of a beautiful black baby boy.

I know what it's like to look at his beautiful brown skin and feel his warm hand in mine and wonder if my heart might burst right out of my chest with love.

I know what it's like to hold him in my arms and tell him that his skin is beautiful, that God made him black for His glory, that he is made in the image of God.

I know what it's like to sit down with my four children, watching Dr. Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream" speech, tears streaming down my face in awe at the miracle that my family gets to look like this.

Though there are many things I don't know, there is one thing I know for sure; I know that being the white, pale-skinned mommy of my beautiful black baby boy is one of the greatest joys of my life.

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I'm not too concerned about what everyone in the world thinks about my blog, but I do have one reader who I especially want to enjoy my posts. It's one who adores this blog and begs to read each post over and over and over again. Nope. It's not my husband. It's my sweet 7 year old! But to be honest, she's not been too impressed lately. "Mom, I still like it. But I miss you doing more stuff about us. You know?! About your kids!" And so, without further adieu, for my sweetie little bookworm, I present to you a "kid" post.

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We have some exciting news for our family! For the last couple of months I have been working from home as an Adoption Advocate for Christian Adoption Consultants! CAC was an essential part of our adoption journey to our little guy and it's such an honor to now be a part of their amazing team.

When I first considered accepting a position working for CAC, I thought I had possibly lost my mind. Our family already has a crazy-full schedule so I expected my husband, Josh, to help snap me out of my insanity...except he didn't. His thoughts? "Why wouldn't you?! God loves adoption and this is a wonderful way to reflect His heart!" (I love my husband.)

Here are some more specifics on what I'm doing as an Adoption Advocate for CAC:

What I Am Doing
As an advocate for adoption, I:

• am a voice to share about God's beautiful passionate heart for adoption
• help educate people about the domestic adoption process
• spread the word about why hiring an adoption consultant is a tremendous asset
• answer questions and help families (for free!) as they consider working with CAC
• pray for families as they seek the Lord's direction in their adoption journey

What I'm Not Doing

• I'm not trying to twist people's arms to adopt. (God doesn't call everyone to adopt.)
• I'm not trying to convince people to adopt domestically and not internationally (both are needed!). 
• And I'm not trying to convince people to work with Christian Adoption Consultants. (The Lord's plan isn't for every adoptive family to use CAC.)

Why I'm Doing This

• God loves people and our family wants to reflect His heart. "We love because he first loved us." 1 John 4:19
• And God really does love adoption. He loves it! He went to great lengths to bring us into His family...it cost Him the very life of His Son. "In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved." Ephesians 1:4-6 

(Photo credit: Jessica Phelps Photography)

Would you please help me spread the word that I'm here as a resource? 
Would you consider sharing this post on FB or emailing your friends and family with a link to this post? And could you pray that God would give me many opportunities to help families? So many people have questions about adoption but never ask them because they don't know who to ask. Even fewer people know about how an adoption consultant can be a tremendous blessing and asset in an adoption journey. I am so eager to be a free resource and support to help families as they consider domestic adoption and CAC!

(For more information about domestic adoption, please contact me at katief@christianadoptionconsultants.com)

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There are many fears and falsehoods out there about adoption such as: "I could never afford to adopt," "Is there really a need in the U.S.," "Birthmoms are scary," "My spouse will never agree," "Can I really love a child I didn't give birth to," "Do I really have what it takes," and "I'm too old." Today, I want to share about another falsehood that hinders people from adopting. It's this assumption:

Whether or not a "large" family can adopt varies from country to country. Even within the United States, the requirements for adoptive families vary from agency to agency. Some agencies do not let families with more than a certain amount of children adopt through them. But not every adoption agency works that way. It makes me so sad when I run across a family that says, "We wanted to adopt but were told by the agency we couldn't because of our family size." Not every agency has those specific perimeters! It is indeed possible for a "large" family to adopt domestically.

That may lead you to ask another question: do expectant mothers ever choose a larger adoptive family? Every expectant mom is different and so each will differ in the hopes and preferences she has for the family that will adopt her child. Some first moms don't prefer to place their baby in a home with any children, some want a home with only one or two kids, and some are not at all deterred by large families. In fact, some expectant moms specifically desire a larger family.

Here are some families that had five or more children when they adopted their little one with the assistance of Christian Adoption Consultants:

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Maybe years ago you talked about adoption but never pursued it. Deep down in your heart, you wish that you had acted back then on that dream. Or maybe you just started wondering about adoption for the first time. But, now? Well, now you're kind of thinking:

But are you, really?

Every country has different laws regarding parental age limits in adoption. Because I'm most familiar with domestic infant adoption, I'll speak to that. In the United States, you will find people adopting domestically up into their forties, fifties, and even some into their sixties. Are you in that age range and healthy? Then legally, you probably aren't "too old" to adopt. Adoption laws aren't holding you back because of your age. So what is? When you think about adoption, are you primarily looking at it from a "practical" perspective or from an eternal one?

"You are not your own, for you were bought with a price." 1 Corinthians 6:19)

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you." John 15:12

In His great love, God has adopted us as His children and He calls us to reflect His heart of love, no matter what age we are! There are children both here and all over the world of all ages who need a loving, safe, forever family. I want you to hear from some actual parents who were over the age of 40 when they adopted their child(ren) as infant(s). What they have to say is powerful and inspiring!

Names: Sue and Brad
Age when pursued adoption: 40 and 41 when they brought their twin baby girls home
Family: Children ages 15, 14, triplet 12 year olds, and twin 1 year olds
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"Yes, I'm more tired and I'll be the oldest parent when my kids start school. But isn't it better that these children have an older mom and dad than NO mom and dad? Also, for us, being Christians, we feel that just because we are older doesn't give us an excuse to just stop serving. We really feel that God has called us to live our lives for HIM and not ourselves. For us, this also meant giving up the American Dream of having kids, getting them out of the house, and pursuing retirement. We want to serve until we die, literally. And for us, that means parenting longer than most people. And you know what? It's totally worth it. What could be more important than raising little souls?" -Sue

Names: Stacia and Jobie
Ages when pursued adoption: 43 and 44
Family: Children ages 27, 22, 19, 13, 8 and 7 months and the grandchildren that live with them are 6, 4, 3 and 11 months.
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"The benefits FAR outweigh the doubts when it comes to parenting as an older parent! More patience, more of an understanding as to how quickly they do grow in those first months and years and we are more relaxed. If you know that God has placed adoption on your heart, DON'T DOUBT what He can do! Don't hesitate any longer, just do it and SEE what He does with your obedience. Lay your apprehension down, and never look back. It will change you in ways you've never imagined and yes, it's beautiful AND hard, but SO, SO worth it. I see God's promises every day in the sweet little smile on this precious boy's face!" -Stacia

Names: Kym and David
Ages when pursued adoption: 43 and almost 50
Family: Children ages 23, 21, 19, 16, 14, 10, 9, 3, and 3 months.
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"There are some "valid" concerns...dying before they are grown, not being fun or energetic enough, (I am more fun, and I have older kids who can chase a two year old if I can't!). We are just ordinary people, who have been blessed in amazing ways by God with these amazing kids! If you are worried about whether you should adopt in your 40's and 50's I would say if the desire is there, it is there for a reason! Adoption isn't really about what we need, it is about being available to be the second best choice for a child. It is a hard joyous path. And David and I are both so glad we took it! And in being available for the child who needed our family, we have been blessed beyond our imagination!" -Kym


Names: Kim and Bruce
Ages when pursued adoption: 42 and 43
Family: Children ages 16, 15, 12, 8 and 20 months
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"We are so much more relaxed than we were in our younger years! I think we are really able to enjoy him as we know now how fast time goes and how quickly each stage goes. We realize how much more precious life is...We truly enjoy being older parents so much! Also, we happen to have teenagers, too, and that is an added bonus as they are so helpful. It is also so great to see them love on him." -Kim


Names: Denn and Melinda
Ages when pursued adoption: 44 and 45
Family: Children ages 27, 25, 22, 3, twin 2 year olds (and have 6 grandbabies)
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“We are sure we will never have time to be in rockers (except to rock our babies to sleep)…and we cannot imagine our lives without them! We often ask each other 'what on earth would we be doing right now if not this?!' We would be filling our lives with most likely worthless things! Living that lie 'the American dream.' This all has changed our lives so wonderfully!" -Melinda

If you have a desire to adopt but you're wondering if you're too old, please don't assume that it's too late. Go before God and ask Him about it. Don't let your age stand in the way. Maybe He will tell you it's not His plan for your family. But maybe He will lead you into one of the greatest joys of your life.

Check out some other fears/falsehoods to pursuing adoption that have been covered in this series: "I could never afford to adopt," "Is there really a need in the U.S.," "Birthmoms are scary," "My spouse will never agree," "Can I really love a child I didn't give birth to?," and "Do I really have what it takes?"

(For more information on domestic adoption, please contact me at katief@christianadoptionconsultants.com)

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Adoption is a beautiful gift but there are many fears and falsehoods that keep people, even people who are seriously considering adoption, from pursuing it. So far in this series, we've talked about the hindrances "I could never afford to adopt," "Is there really a need in the U.S.," "Birthmoms are scary," "My spouse will never agree," and "Can I really love a child I didn't give birth to?"  Here is another common fear you may be wrestling with:

Being a parent is not for the faint of heart. It's tough and it's tiring and it's complex as much as it is rewarding and joy-giving. Our daily weakness and failures can weigh heavy on our hearts as we consider the enormous responsibility we have been given. We mess up. Every day. And it effects our kids in real ways. So, throw in the difficult complexities of adoption and, well...it's not surprising that we can fear that we don't have what it takes.

Being an adoptive parent may involve a variety of difficult parenting scenarios. Just to name a few:

• talking with a child about their first-parents and the circumstances that led to their adoption
• family members and friends not understanding you and/or discouraging your choice to adopt
• dealing with insensitive and hurtful comments from others about adoption
• parenting through tough identity issues as a child grows
• painful conversations with your child as they suffer the effects of racism
• patiently building attachment and working hard to bond with a child who has endured trauma
• working through language and cultural barriers
• caring for their physical and/or emotional challenges
• having attention drawn to your family again and again wherever you go.

That stuff is hard-there's no denying it and it's certainly not helpful to ignore it. And while not every adoption is going to involve all of these, every adoption is going to require you to do some hard things as a parent. Despite the myriad of great adoption books and seminars out there, no one can fully prepare you for the tough parenting things that arise in adoption. Maybe we fear these things because, in part, we know it's true: we aren't good enough parents to make our kids "turn out" ok. We don't have what it takes to "make up for" what they've lost. We don't have "enough love" to make everything ok for them. Maybe that's why it's scary to think about parenting at all, let alone parenting through hard things in adoption!

But there is One who is a perfect parent. For every mistake we make, Jesus is able to bring good somehow. For every time we sin, Jesus is able to perfectly forgive us. On our own, we often don't have what it takes to handle all the complex issues in parenting biological children or those who come to us through adoption. We don't have what it takes. But our Father does. And He loves to bring healing to the broken.

Adoption is worth it. Talk about your fears. Pray about them. Work through them. Get equipped! Don't let your fears that you don't have what it takes to become an adoptive parent keep you from the gift of adoption. You will never be a perfect parent, but your Faithful God is.

(For more information on domestic adoption, please contact me at katief@christianadoptionconsultants.com)

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So far in this series, we've covered the following fears and falsehoods that can be hindrances to adoption: "I could never afford it," "Is there really a need in the U.S.?" and "Birthmoms are scary." Let's look at another common fear:

It's something whispered in hushed tones, something few are willing to vocalize even though many considering adoption are thinking the same thing. Amidst the fears and falsehoods hindering people from pursuing adoption, this may be the most paralyzing of all. If you've considered adopting but haven't been able to move past this question, you're not alone.

Why? Why is that such a common fear as people are considering adoption?

1. In America, we tend to define love primarily by an emotional feeling. We're all about passionate emotions and "love at first sight." We think that love is something that always happens immediately and without any effort. The thought that it may take time to grow in loving someone seems terrifying and wrong (when it fact, it's often the way that love works...even with biological children).
2. We can very quickly make everything in life about ME. How I feel, how I think, how it effects ME. What if I don't feel an immediate overpowering love for my child? What if it takes time and effort for my love to strengthen and deepen? That would be hard for ME.
3. We know that the love of parents is highly important for the well-being of children. We feel the weight of that responsibility but that weight can turn into fear, especially because...
4. We're so self-sufficient that we think our ability to love is dependent upon us and our own strength. We don't want to ever need help from others or from God. We don't believe that He is able to do way more than we can in our own efforts.

Can you love a child that you didn't give birth to? Yes. But the speed and intensity at which that love grows is going to be different for each adoptive family.

For those adopting an infant, it's fairly unusual to lack that "connection" quickly. That doesn't mean those feelings will come immediately for everyone who adopts an infant. For some, they will feel it when they are matched with an expectant mom even before the child is born. For others, the deep love will come the minute they meet their child. For others, the connection may develop after the baby leaves the hospital and comes home. And for others, it may intensify in the days and months to come.

For those adopting an older child, the complexities of connecting and developing attachment and deepening love is often more of a process over time. That is understandable and normal; don't let it scare you away! Again, this looks different for each family. Loving someone often takes time. For many, it will take patience, it will take education and equipping, it may involve counseling or other outside help, and it will definitely take a dependence on the Author of Love Himself. But God is able to tightly wind the attachment an adoptive parent has with their child. (I love how my friend, Kim, poignantly addressed this.)

Can you love a child you didn't give birth to? Yes! If you are willing to accept that God is the author of love and He is more than able to bring it about in His timing, if you can see love as more than just an emotion, if you are willing to believe that not experiencing "love at first sight" doesn't determine the future love you can feel for your child, if you're willing to lay down your own love of ease and self for the sake of a child, if you're willing to do whatever you can to learn and grow and depend wholly on the Lord to deepen your love, then you don't need to be afraid. Don't let fear of your own abilities to love keep you from the beauty of adoption.

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