The Broken and Beautiful Path to Our Son: Part 3

We woke up late that Thursday morning yet still felt tired.  Few words were spoken as we got into our rental car and headed to pick up lunch before we went to the airport.  We sang a sweet song we'd heard on xmradio the night before.  "My God is Awesome, He can move mountains, keep me in the valley...hide me from the rain.  My God is Awesome, heals me when I'm broken, strength where I've been weakened, forever He will reign."  Rain fell softly on the windshield and we drove some more in silence.

I started wondering aloud.  "Why are we even here, Josh?  Isn't it just weird?  Why are we in Florida?"  He shook his head slowly and said, "I don't know."

A minute or so later, around 11am, my phone rang.  I looked at the name: Tracie Loux (our dearly loved adoption consultant) and my heart began to beat faster. "Katie, where are you?  Are you still in Florida?"  Now my heart beat wildly out of my chest.  "Yes...What's going on?" I asked as I started to tremble.  

"Ok, I'm literally shaking.  Katie there's a birthmom being induced in a couple of hours there in Florida and she wants to make an adoption plan.  Are you guys interested?"  I started crying as I relayed the info to Josh and we immediately said, "YES!"  "Ok, don't go anywhere!"  Tracie replied.  We pulled into the closest spot we could find to wait to hear more: Bruegger's Bagels.

As Josh waited in line for our food, I opened my Bible to Psalm 27 and prayed through the familiar verses again.  Soon we found ourselves emailing our profile to the attorney's office.  Someone from the office gave us a call to relay their initial conversation with the birthmom.  "I told her [the birthmom] all about you guys and your situation.  She said, 'I'll look at the profile but tell them to put a smile back on their faces. God does everything for a reason.'"  We could hardly believe what we were hearing!  A couple minutes later the amazing attorney's assistant called back and said some of the sweetest words I've ever heard: "Y'all aren't going back to Illinois."  I started crying and frantically packed up all of our things.

We just happened to be minutes from the attorney's office so we met her at Starbucks to take care of a few legal details, and then we hit the road to drive to Pensacola.  Just like that, two hours after we had heard about him, we were on the way to go meet our son.

Around 1:30 we got a phone call from our much loved attorney's assistant again.  "The baby was born!  He's 6lbs 15oz.  They will be waiting for you when you get there."  We were in shock and started to work on a name for the little guy.  We stopped once on the excruciatingly long 3 hour drive to go to the bathroom but we literally RAN to the bathroom and back to the car, refusing to waste any time.

After stopping to pick up some flowers, we met the social worker at the hospital and were taken in to meet our son's sweet birthmom.  Though she had known for months that she would choose adoption, God kept this lovely brave warm woman from making a plan until we were in Florida.  We loved our time with her; she is articulate, strong, warm, funny, and beautifully brave.  It was completely surreal to hear her excitement about choosing our family.  Then we went to a small room in the hospital and waited for the nurses to bring in our son.

Around 5:30pm, we saw our little boy for the first time.  Words can't describe all that we felt in that moment.

Only God can author a story like this.  Adoption is beautiful.

     I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD

                                                                                   in the land of the living!

                            Wait for the LORD;

                                                                           be strong, 

                               and let your heart take courage;

                                                                                                  wait for the LORD!

                                           (Psalm 27:13-14 ESV)

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The Broken and Beautiful Path to Our Son: Part 2

Amidst the sorrow of processing the unexpected end to our match with the twins, God continued to show us His love.  But experiencing His care didn't make all of the hurt go away-far from it.  There were many many tears, many unanswered questions, and a sense of complete confusion as to why in the world we were in Florida.

We drove to a Starbucks, planning to spend some time writing a letter to the twins' birthmom.  We wanted to tell her we love her dearly and wanted an opportunity to share with her again how thankful we are for the chance we had to get to know her.

We pulled into the Starbucks parking lot and Josh said, "Let's check out a different one, this one doesn't look that great."  So we went on for a couple more exits and then went inside a nice spacious Starbucks.  We sat down, extremely burdened and overwhelmed as to what we should write.

Suddenly, Josh looked up towards the doorway with a strange expression on his face.  "Is that Jesse," he asked?  "It can't be.  I didn't think he lived in this part of Florida," I said.  But walking towards us came a dear pastor friend that we've known for over seven years.  He just happened to be in the area visiting a church member that was in a nearby hospital.  He just happened to come to Starbucks for the second time that day before he headed home.

After sharing with Jesse why we were in Florida, he and the co-pastor with him said, "We're going to pray for you right now.  Let's sit down."  They prayed for us, encouraged us, and grieved with us.  Right in the middle of one of the hardest weeks of our entire life, right in the middle of some random place in Florida where we'd never been before, God sent a kind, compassionate friend to pray for us.

As we drove away, I was overcome by the absolute unmistakable care of God for us.  He didn't have to bring Jesse into Starbucks to pray for us but He did.  My grieving heart felt such a deep comfort in knowing that God was very near to us and He was going to great lengths to let us know He cared.  A sense of peace mixed with sorrow reigned as Josh and I drove on to Tallahassee for the night.  We expected to fly back to Illinois in the morning.  Little did we know that our entire lives were about to be changed forever.

To read Part 3 go here.

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The Broken and Beautiful Path to Our Son: Part 1

God's ways are often so mysterious; they rarely make sense when we're in the midst of a dark cloud of sorrow.  Our week began under that cloud, ridden with tears and disappointment that our match to adopt twins had ended.  We love those twins and their selfless birthmom immensely so ending our match with them was excruciating and felt much like a death to be greived.

That match ended as we were heading to Florida to meet the twins' birthparents.  (In fact, when we arrived at Midway Airport, Josh asked if we should just stay in Chicago.  Then while we were in line, I asked him, "Should we really just go?  What for?")  Instead of arriving and meeting the twins' birthmom who we love, we had a phone call with the attorney's office and then headed to the beach, heartbroken and confused as to what had just happened.  I have never seen my husband cry so hard and I have never felt so numb in all of my life.  All we had hoped for, all we had imagined, all we had dreamed about these twins had been crushed.  It was devastating.

But amidst the tears and the questions and the exhaustion, God was there.  He was there and He went to great lengths to remind us that He cared.

In the spectacular sunset over the ocean, He reminded us of how beautiful He is.  

Psalm 19:1"The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims His handiwork."

With the raised hands of a father, praying over his son on the beach, He reminded us, "I'm here."

In the quirky stillness of a local beach shop...

In the peaceful emptiness of a charming bed and breakfast...

In the freshness of a bright blue sky, God was caring for us.  He led me to Psalm 27:13,14 and we clung to it for dear life:

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD

in the land of the living!

Wait for the LORD;

be strong, and let your heart take courage;

wait for the LORD!

          (Psalm 27:13-14 ESV)

Wednesday morning, I texted with my friend and adoption consultant, Tracie, who had been praying for us (my writing is in green).  Here was our short conversation:

(a "stork drop" is adoption lingo for a last minute adoption situation)

You can read Part 2 of the story here.

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Why Use An Adoption Consultant?

**I wrote this post back in 2012 when my husband and I were in the midst of our first adoption process before I became an adoption consultant myself. While I could share a post from my perspective as a consultant now, I love that this post shares my heart while I was actually an adoptive family using a consultant.**

About a year ago, I thought that using an adoption consultant was just plain dumb.  My thinking went something like this: Adoption is expensive and hiring a consultant is another expense.  Why on earth would someone hire an adoption consultant?  My thinking about adoption consultants has drastically changed.  I went from thinking we'd never use one to not being able to imagine our adoption journey without one.  Why?  Here are some of the many reasons that we thank God for our adoption consultant.

1) Decreasing the Risks

Domestic adoption does have risks. While all adoptions have risks, good adoption consultants help their clients sort through the level of risk involved with each situation and give invaluable information to help adoptive parents make informed decisions in their adoption journey. Adoption consultants typically work primarily with "safe states" that are adoption friendly (where consents are generally signed in 24-72 hrs). An ethical adoption consultant usually points hopeful adoptive parents to agencies and attorneys that are spending a considerable amount of time providing counseling; these agencies usually don't match the expectant mama until she's at least 20 weeks.

2) Exposure to multiple agencies and attorneys 

Working with multiple agencies helps you have more exposure to more potential adoption situations. Instead of being one family in a line with many at only one agency, working with an adoption consultant makes it possible for you to learn about more adoption situations and so have the opportunity to show your profile more frequently. Out of the hundreds of agencies and attorneys out there, it's difficult to know which are reputable. A good adoption consultant has done that legwork for you! 

3) Significant decrease in wait time

Working with only one agency means that you are most likely one of many, many clients waiting in a long line to adopt.  In a traditional approach of only working with one agency, many adoptive couples wait 2+ years or more before they are matched with an expectant mom.  Because a good adoption consultant helps you find multiple good agencies and attorneys, the wait time when you're working with one can be significantly decreased.  As in, most families are matched under a year after applying with multiple agencies. (This is just the average; some families are matched faster than that and some are matched longer than that.)

4)  Help from someone who is genuinely knowledgeable AND really understands

Most excellent adoption consultants have adopted before themselves. They know what it's like to adopt because they've been through the process (sometimes multiple times).  They are an incredible wealth of knowledge and information (which is great)!  They've helped TONS of couples adopt.  But their knowledge is coupled with a heart that has experienced the joys and challenges of adoption.  Because of that heart, they are extremely quick to respond to questions from clients (no waiting weeks to hear from them!).  Because of that heart, they pray regularly for their clients.  Because of that heart, they are a constant encouragement and help.  

5)  Benefits that far exceed the cost

Yes, hiring an adoption consultant isn't free. But in our opinion, the benefits to working with an adoption consultant have far exceeded the cost (and we aren't even matched with an expectant mom yet).  In the grand scheme of adoption expenses, it really isn't a lot to hire someone who will make a priceless difference in your adoption journey.  We've received extremely helpful answers to countless questions. We've been connected to wonderful attorneys and agencies.  We've been encouraged, supported, and prayed for every single step of the way. And we've been blessed with having someone who is really on our side (much like a midwife who coaches you all through your pregnancy, labor, and delivery).  

To be really honest, we are getting way more than we paid for with our adoption consultant.  And to think that I once thought that using an adoption consultant was ridiculous!

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Use An Adoption Consultant? Are you nuts?

When we first started looking into domestic adoption, I emailed back and forth quite a bit with a friends who had used an adoption consultant to help them as they adopted their daughter.  I remember quite vividly saying to Josh, "I just don't get it. Why would you pay extra money in what's already a super expensive process to use an adoption consultant?  Doesn't that sound kind of dumb?"  It really didn't make any sense to me.


But as time went on, we needed someone to answer about a billion questions that we had about domestic adoption.  I didn't want someone's opinion.  I didn't want someone who just wanted me to hire them.  I didn't want some random info off of the internet.  I wanted someone to talk to that actually knew what they were talking about!  I wanted someone that would care about us as individuals and not just tell us to do domestic, but to help us as we thought through what God was calling us to.  Enter, Tracie Loux our adoption consultant.

(This is Tracie, her husband, and their children)

Tracie is the consultant that had helped our friends adopt their daughter.  I figured it wouldn't hurt for me to shoot her an email.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  It was 9:30pm on a Saturday night, and questions were just weighing heavily on my mind and heart.  I emailed Tracie and she responded within an hour (an extremely RARE thing in the adoption world), answering all my questions, sharing helpful thoughts and saying she'd love to talk with me on Monday.  I was blown away by her care, her promptness in responding, and her desire to help.  


After two months of emailing back and forth with Tracie, talking with friends and family, praying, and talking a lot with each other, Josh and I began to get some clarity about where God was directing us.  We knew that He was leading us to pursue domestic adoption and we absolutely knew that we didn't want to enter the process without Tracie's help. So what changed?  Why don't I think it's a dumb idea anymore to use an adoption consultant? More on that tomorrow!

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Fear Not: Part 7

(If you missed the earlier posts in this series, you can find them here: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6.)

I want to just be really honest here and say that this idea of actually needing to fight for faith has been the crucial point of challenge for me.  I don't want to have to work at this.  I want everything in life to be easy-lasting peace included.  I want to just slap a scripture on it and repeat, “Fear not, fear not” a couple times and feel all better. But that’s not how trust in God usually grows.

If you want to strengthen your muscles, you don’t expect that just sitting at home on your couch is going to do anything to help you get toned.  And we rarely grow in trusting God by merely doing nothing either.  There is a war going on in our hearts - the war for faith in God.  Wars aren’t won in a day and we won’t win the war against fear in a day either.  There’s battle after battle after exhausting and challenging battle before victory comes.  The question is whether we’re going to choose to pick up our weapons and fight for faith or merely be trampled by our fears.

So how about you?  Are you using the weapons of prayer and the weapon of reminding yourself of what God’s Word says is true about Him?  Are you doing that even when your feelings and circumstances are screaming otherwise?  Or are you just passively listening to what your fears and circumstances seem to be saying?

I’d like to share a little bit about how fighting fears with faith in God has made a difference in my life.  I share this not to make you think highly of me (I could never have brought about this change on my own).  I share this to give you hope.  I’ve never met a person more consumed with fears than I was and I have seen that God really can transform fearful hearts like mine.  It really is possible for you and for me to grow with the help of the Holy Spirit.

First, let me share some things that I’ve tried to do over the years to weaken fears and anxieties.  I’ve tried to ignore it (you know-try just not to think about it and hope it goes away).  That didn’t work.  I tried to convince it away (you know-tell myself that the statistics were incredibly unlikely that I would get kidnapped while going to the mailbox).  That didn’t help.  I tried to educate my fears away (you know-scour the Internet for every possible way to eliminate anxiety attacks).  That didn’t work either.  In fact, going to the Internet to help me weaken fear has only brought on more fears.  I’ve tried to barter with God; “Lord, don’t you think I deserve some peace?  I’m trying to follow You!”  That didn’t bring me lasting peace either.  So what did help me not to fear what is frightening? Honestly it’s been the two things that Philippians 4 mentions: prayer and "talking to myself."

I started really engaging in this war against fear when I came to our church. The Lord kindly introduced me to a book by Ed Welch that my friend, Jodi gave me about fearing people vs. trusting God.  Through this book and some other excellent resources, God started to show me that my fears were not happening just because I’m naturally introverted or because of my family background or because this is just how I’ve always been.  I started seeing that fear had to do with my heart and what I was really believing about God.  I started to see that through the help of the Holy Spirit teaching me to fight for faith, lasting peace was really possible.

I began to re-read passages in scripture about anxiety and started asking God to help me see how trustworthy He really is.  Instead of just reading the same scriptures over and over hoping that just reading them would change me, I started praying through scripture and thinking about it.  I began talking to myself and reminding myself of who God is.  Slowly, over time, this started to become a way of life for me.

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Fear Not: Part 6

(If you missed the earlier posts in this series, here they are: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5.)

We weaken fears with faith by talking to God and we weaken fears with faith by talking to ourselves, in other words, by thinking about what is true.  “Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, worthy of praise-think about that.  Practice that and the God of peace will be with you.”  Do you see what the Apostle Paul getting at here? We weaken fears and anxieties by thinking, or talking to ourselves about what’s true.

This kind of thinking is not some sort of "power of positive thinking". This isn’t just trying to make yourself feel better by repeating, “Don’t fear!  Don’t fear!  Don’t fear!” This kind of thinking is a way of fighting for faith in who God really is.

But what if we do try to think about truth and we find that it’s just not doing anything for us-that it’s making no difference?  You know, “I’ve tried.  It didn’t work.”  Ever been there?  When fears and anxieties threaten to overwhelm us, it can be really hard to believe the truth. When we feel like the truth about who God is really isn’t helping us, that should be like a warning light.  “Alert!  Alert!  Something’s not right.  Check your heart!”  If we’re not believing that God is who He says He is, we’re doubting Him.  

Ladies, I just want to pause for a second and say again that some of the situations you’re facing right now are really absolutely frightening, more than I can understand. When fears and anxieties seem to be closing in all around us, believing that God really is our loving Father who will strengthen us and help us does not come naturally.  If you’re having a hard time believing the truth about God in the midst of your scary circumstance, that’s not surprising.  That’s especially true because our fears lie.  I’ve seen this over and over again in my own life; fears lie and their lies seem so believable when I’m afraid.

We’ll talk about this more specifically in a little bit, but right now, I just want to encourage you-this is why we desperately need the Holy Spirit’s help; we are so quick to doubt God.  We need to go to Him, just like Paul exhorted us to in Philippians 4.  We need to cry out to Him to help us believe. “I do believe, Lord help my unbelief!”  It may also be helpful to include others, asking them to remind us of what’s true about our loving Father that is with us.  And it’s also really important not to just read scripture, but to preach it to ourselves and to keep preaching it to ourselves rather than listening to the lies that whisper and sometimes SHOUT in our hearts.

Martin Loyd Jones, a Welsh preacher that lived in the first part of the 20th century explained it this way:

“The main trouble in this whole matter...in a sense is this, that we allow our self to talk to us instead of talking to our self. Am I just trying to be deliberately paradoxical? Far from it. This is the very essence of wisdom in this matter. Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself?"

“You have to take yourself in hand, you have to address yourself, preach to yourself, question yourself...you must go on to remind yourself of God, Who God is, and what God is and what God has done, and what God has pledged Himself to do.”

We’re constantly talking to ourselves.  Thoughts go through our head all day long.  But are we talking to ourselves about what is actually true? In the midst of being afraid, it’s not easy to believe what is true about God and to think about those things-that's why it's called a fight.  It really is a fight for faith.

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Fear Not: Part 5

(If you missed the earlier posts in this series, click here for Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4.)

What does it really mean to weaken fear by fighting for faith in God?  Let’s look together for a minute at some familiar verses, found in Philippians 4:

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.”

These verses mention two main ways we can weaken fear by fighting for faith in God:  first, by talking to Him-in other words, by praying and crying out to Him. And secondly, we fight for faith in God by talking to ourselves (essentially, by thinking about what is true).

The beginning of these verses pretty plainly say, “Don’t be anxious-don’t fear.  Instead-pray let your requests be made know to God."  And then, here’s what happens: the peace of God will guard your heart and mind.  We fight fear with faith by praying to God-pouring our hearts out to Him and asking for His help.  

So for example, when we face a really frightening situation like when we’re uncertain about the state of our finances, we can fight our fears by going to God.  “Lord, this is really scary.  I have no idea how You’re going to provide but I know that you’ve promised to meet our needs.  You provide for the birds! Please help me believe that you’ll provide for us, and please do provide. I know that You’re with me even though I don’t feel like it.  Lord, please help me to trust you!”  We weaken fear by fighting for faith in God through talking to Him.  Who else could we possibly talk to that can help us more than God himself?  

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Fear Not: Part 4

(This continues the series where I'm re-posting a message that I shared with the women of our church.  If you missed the beginning, check out Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.)
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There’s an analogy here that’s helped me think about how trusting in who God really is can shape my fears. Imagine that you’re on a walk with your brother who just happens to be a heavyweight boxer. He’s got muscles popping out everywhere.  He’s won every boxing fight that he’s ever faced.  The dude can seriously fight.

Now, let’s say you’re on a walk with your brother and a man suddenly approaches you and yells, “Hand over your purse!”

In that moment, you’re in a really scary situation.  But are you afraid?

Well sure, your heart’s probably still beating wildly but you’re certainly not as terrified as you would be if you were alone.  You’re probably thinking, “This guy doesn’t even know what he just got himself into!”  You’re not fearing because you know who’s with you.  You know that your brother can take this would-be thief out in an instant and flatten him like a pancake!  Not only does your brother love you, he wants to help you and he’s got the power to back you up.  It’s not a perfect illustration, but it’s helpful for me.

Our loving Father-God, is stronger than any boxer in the world.   And this powerful, loving God, this is the one who promises that He’ll be with us to strengthen, help, and uphold us.

Listen to what Charles Spurgeon tells us about the certainty that God really will help us:

“It is but a small thing for me, your God, to help you.  Consider what I have done already.  What! not help you?  Why, I bought you with my blood.  What!  not help you?  I have died for you; and if I have done the greater, will I not do the less?  Help you!  It is the least thing I will ever do for you; I have done more, and I will do more.  I laid aside my glory and became a man for you; I gave up my life for you; and if I did all this, I will surely help you now.”

The cross has demonstrated once and for all that God really is for us.  Our God has promised to be with us and to help us.  So Isaiah 41:10 shows us that the fight to weaken fear is a fight for believing the truth about who God is; it’s a fight for faith in God.  The fight for peace is a fight for faith.

But what does it really mean to weaken fear by fighting for faith in God?

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Fear Not: Part 3

(This continues the series where I'm re-posting the message that I shared last year with the women of our church.  If you missed the beginning, you can read Part 1 and Part 2.)
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The reason that we’re called not to fear isn’t because scary things don’t happen (they do!) or because we can handle them on our own (we can’t).  The Israelites really were facing a very frightening situation that they simply could not handle on their own.  The reason that they were called not to fear, the reason we’re called not to fear is because of the truth of who God is.  This is how God wants us to weaken the influence of fear: by fighting for faith in Him.

God tells us, “Fear not for/or because: I AM WITH YOU."  Why are we called not to fear? Because God is with us.  He’ll never leave us; this isn’t just a nice idea or an isolated verse in scripture.  This promise is repeated over and over and over again in God’s Word.  Just one of many other places where this is said is Hebrews13:5, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”  He’s with us!

God tells us, “Be not dismayed for/or because, I am your God.”  Why are we called not to fear?  Because He is our God-ours!  He’s not a distant stranger; if we have put our hope in Christ for the forgiveness of our sins, we have a relationship with God as our loving Father. We’re His children!  He really cares about us because we’re His.  He promises this over and over again in His Word. For example, Isaiah 43:1 says, “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.”

God tells us, “I will strengthen you.  I will help you.  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”  Why are we called not to fear? Because He promises to strengthen us! He promises to help us.  He promises to uphold us with His righteous right hand.

Think of the Israelites again.  They were in the desert for 40 years; a really frightening situation.  They were utterly dependent on God to provide even the very food that they ate.  And what did He do?  He gave them a new food that they’d never even heard of; He gave them manna.  He came through for them with just enough food for each and every day so that they wouldn’t starve.  God really did strengthen, help and uphold them even while their scary situation continued for decades and decades.  And this same God promises to strengthen, help, and uphold us.

This is who God is.  He’s our loving father that’s with us.  No matter what happens, He will strengthen us and help us and uphold us.  If we’re really believing this, shouldn’t it make a difference when we face things that are scary?

(Check back tomorrow for Part 4.)

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Fear Not: Part 2

(This post is part of a series where I'm re-posting a message that I shared last year with the ladies of our church.  To read Part 1, go here.)

Over the years, I’ve come to accept that I’m not an expert in many things.   I've had to accept that for whatever reason, apart from the Lord’s help, I am just very very prone to fear what is frightening.

Whether you’re a fear “expert” like me, or more casually aware of an occasional anxiety, we all are acquainted with fears.  In the midst of our fears and worries, something deep down within us wants to know...is it really possible to have lasting peace? If it is possible, how?  

We’re going to spend some time in God’s word this morning to see what He says about how we can weaken the influence of fear in our lives. Let’s turn together in our Bibles to Isaiah 41.  One passage that’s been especially helpful to me over the years in my own struggle against fear is found in this chapter. 

Isaiah is writing to the people of the southern kingdom of Israel.  In the early parts of Isaiah, God forecasts that the people are going to experience His judgment.  They’ll experience His judgment by losing everything they’ve held dear and taken refuge in in this world.  They’ll even lose their land and their homes.  Pretty scary situation, right?  But then later in the book of Isaiah, God begins speaking words of reassurance to His people, even as they face the prospect of a terrifying situation, of losing everything that’s mattered to them. Follow along with me in Isaiah 41:10 to hear the Lord loving speak to His fearful children: 

God tells us, “Fear not, for I am with you.  Be not dismayed for I am your God.  I will strengthen you.  I will help you.  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

This call from God not to fear isn’t a judicial order; God wasn’t barking out an uncaring or exasperated command like, “FEAR NOT! “ That’s not the heart behind God’s words. These words are being spoken from the mouth of a loving Father that really cares about His fearful children.

Imagine holding your child that you deeply love in your arms-your child that’s crying and scared, afraid of the dark and looking to you for comfort.  You want to help this little one; you don’t want this child that you love to fear so you tenderly and patiently say, “Don’t be afraid.”  That’s how God is lovingly speaking these words to the Israelities-the same nation that’s well known for years before having wandered in the desert for 40 years, a nation that grumbled against God and forgot Him, a nation that doubted again and again that He’d provide.  God is lovingly speaking these words to the Israelites as a loving Father and He’s speaking them to us as well.

Do you see that when He says, “Fear not,” He’s saying it with love?  God is not merely a distant judge, He’s a loving Father.  Before we even cared anything about Him, He decided-He chose to make us His children.  He adopted us into His family.  “In love He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of His will.” (Eph.1:4-5)  He is our loving father.

So we can see in Isaiah 41:10 that God lovingly calls us not to fear.  But there’s something else we need to see; we need to see the reason why He calls us not to fear.

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Fear Not: Part 1

Last year around this time, I did a series about the topic of fear.  A year might have passed, but I still need reminded of this stuff so I'm going to re-post it in large part for myself.  If it happens to help anyone else, well, that's great too!

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Recently, I had the joy of sharing at a women's meeting for our church.  The topic was something that each of us, men and women alike, are all too familiar with: fear.  I thought I'd go ahead and post the message in bite sized chunks for those who weren't able to make it.  

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Part 1
I’d like to start by telling you a story about a woman in this church.  You may or may not know her. It’s safe to say that we could probably characterize this woman as an “expert in fear.”   I’ve gotten her permission to share with you a bit of her story.  

Fear and anxiety had a grip on this woman even as a little girl. Even in elementary school and junior high she was so characterized by fear that she suffered from debilitating stomach aches.  She was so frightened about being alone that she begged her mom to sleep in her room each night.  She was so scared of talking with someone on the phone that she’d break out in a sweat whenever the phone rang.  Because she was so afraid of being seen as dumb, she rarely raised her hand to answer any questions in school even when she knew the answer.  She was so terrified of being kidnapped that she outright refused to go outside alone, even to the mailbox.

In high school, anxieties continued, even as her faith began to grow.  She was so frightened by the thought of getting into an accident that her parents literally had to make her get her driver’s license.  She feared falling short of the expectations of teachers, parents, and friends so much that she was perfectionistic in everything that she did.  She feared having nightmares to the extent that she dreaded going to bed at night.

These fears also ran deep in her relationship with God.  Because she was absolutely terrified of confessing any sin or really anything personal at all, she would feel sick even at the thought of giving a prayer request in youth group.  She was absolutely terrified of committing the unpardonable sin (even though she didn’t know what it was), worried that she would unknowingly commit it and be banished to hell forever.  Even though she was a Christian, she feared that maybe God wasn’t really who she thought He was-feared that maybe He wasn’t even real; this kept her up at night and she could hardly think of anything else.

The fears continued as she went away to college.  She was so anxious about the number of people in her lecture hall once that she had an anxiety attack, she broke out in hives and had to leave the room.  She feared falling into the same sins of drunkeness, sexual immorality, and worldliness that friends participated in so much that she felt panicky, even just being around them.  Because she was afraid that she might never get married, she struggled constantly with jealousy towards engaged and married friends around her.

And you can imagine how she has continued to struggle with fear once she did meet her husband and navigated learning to be a wife, not to mention getting pregnant and becoming a new mom.

This woman knew fear very well, didn’t she?  Fear was something she dealt with on a daily basis for years and years -it nearly overwhelmed her at points and even had physical consequences.  And I can verify that her fears about frightening things have absolutely consumed her at times.  I can verify that because this woman is me.

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Thirsty-First Year

I was with my awesome grandma last weekend. As usual, I left thinking about just how much wisdom she has, how much life she's lived, how much we all love her, and how beautiful she truly is.  My mom, my aunt, my grandma and I sat around my grandma's kitchen in small town Iowa, talking about the craziness of growing older.  Grandma said something to the effect of, "Oh, I know!  Sometimes I look in the mirror and I think, 'Who is that old woman looking back at me?  That can't be me.  83?  No.  I don't feel a bit like 83.'"

I smile now, thinking of how she shook her head, how she really just couldn't believe that so many years had gone by.  And it's so true, isn't it?  We never really feel "grown up."

Monday I turned 31.  I was awakened by the sound of giggling little children, dressing up in their "finest" to celebrate my birthday.  Tali had on a cute brown dress that she knows I like.  Owen put on khakis, an orange plaid shirt, his red Christmas vest, and of course his yellow suspenders.  When I went to change Addie Beth she said, "Mama!  I can't be wearin' pajamas for your birthday party!"  Adorable.

We all went out for the morning; Josh and the kids had planned to take me out for a "surprise" birthday lunch to Noodles and Company.  (I say "surprise" because Owen kept saying, "Mom, it doesn't have anything to do with noodles.  Nope.  We're not going to be doing anything with noodles for your birthday!")  After lunch the kids sang to me at the top of their lungs, completely unaware of anyone else in the restaurant.  I loved it.

(Sugared-up after the tasty Swirls Cupcakes we brought with us to Noodles)

When we got back home, I had some surprise cards stuck in my door (thank you, McRosties!), was blessed by lots of birthday wishes on FB and email, and talked with incredible family on the phone.

My dear friend, Karen came over to babysit and also blessed me with a thoughtful gift.  Then, as Josh and I were leaving to go out for dinner, my "like a sister" friend, Angie, brought me some homemade flourless chocolate cake.  (My fave!  And yes, I did lick the plate when it was done.)  So many blessings in one day. :)

We headed to dinner (tasty non-raw fish sushi...the only sushi this midwestern girl can handle) and I talked and talked while Josh listened and listened.  (He's had laryngitis so I've done lots of talking lately and he's done lots of listening.  Pretty fun, actually.)

My favorite part of the dinner was when he gave me a sweet note he'd written me.  The most memorable line? Hands down, "What do I pray in anticipation of your thirsty-first year?" :)  I'm still laughing about it because my husband is meticulous about his grammar and spelling.

But I also decided that calling this my "thirsty-first year" is a pretty awesome label.  That's what I want for this year.  I want to be a thirsty one.  I want to be thirsty for the things that matter.  I've already lived a lot of my life and I don't want to waste it.  I want to be thirsty this year.  Thirsty for more of Jesus.  Thirsty for appreciating my husband more.  Thirsty for enjoying my kids.  Thirsty for loving my family and friends and thirsty for serving even when it hurts.  Thirsty for living for what's eternal and lasting and not for what never satisfies.

Because 31 will turn into 81 in the blink of an eye.  And I'm already looking in the mirror like Grandma, thinking, "Who is that woman looking back at me?  That can't be me.  No.  I don't feel a bit like 31."

Thirsty-one.  So far I'm loving it.

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The Letter

As a part of the matching grant that we're being awarded from Hand in Hand, they asked us to write up a letter explaining where we're at.  Here's what we wrote:

Photo Credit: Misha Seger

Dear Family and Friends,

It is with huge smiles that we send this letter to you!  As many of you may already know, God has given us a desire to provide a “forever” family to a child through the process of adoption.  We love adoption because God loves adoption!  He has adopted us into His family, making us His children forever through Christ’s saving work (1 John 3:1).  And for us, adoption is just one way that we can spread His love and reflect it to a birthmom and a child in need.  

We’ve been walking down this path for a while and after a number of twists and turns, the Lord has led us to pursue adopting a baby (or twins/siblings) domestically.  We’ve completed our homestudy and the next step is for us to apply to agencies and lawyers’ offices.  Then, we will wait to be matched with a birthmom and hope to bring a new baby home within the next year (maybe as soon as this summer)!  

Adoption is really exciting, but it’s also really expensive.  Homestudy costs, legal fees, adoption agency fees (which include the cost for social workers to help the birthmom through this time), and travel expenses will likely total around $30,000.  To date, we still need about $20,000-which sounds crazy, except that we have God who has a heart for the fatherless, and who often uses crazy ways to provide.

In fact, we’re writing to let you know about one way that God has just provided for us. We were recently awarded a matching funds grant to help with the expenses of our adoption through Hand in Hand Christian Adoption, Inc., a non-profit private operating foundation.  Hand in Hand will match any funds that are donated through our friends and family for the expenses of our adoption.  All funds received through our friends and family will be matched dollar for dollar by Hand in Hand up to our awarded grant amount.   All donations are tax-deductible.  

Here’s what that means: if you donate funds to Hand in Hand, with our name on the envelope, 

- they will pass along those funds to help cover the costs of our adoption; 

- they will send you a receipt for your tax-deductible contribution; 

- plus they will match up to a total of $3,000 given between now and May 18

A couple clarifications: anything donated after May 18 (even if our name is on the envelope) will not go to us for our adoption but will go to the general fund of Hand in Hand.  Second, any funds given before May 18, even after the $3000 match is reached, will go to our adoption expenses.  We're praying that God uses this grant to help us with the rest of our needed funds.

So if you would like to give through this way at this time, your gift can be doubled and will also be tax deductible.  You can find out more about Hand in Hand through their website, www.handinhandadopt.org. If you have further questions about the Hand in Hand matching grant program please feel free to contact us (alreadyloveyou at gmail dot com).  You may also contact Hand in Hand Christian Adoption, Inc. with any questions you may have.  They can be reached at 913-248-5015 or by e-mail at handinhandadopt@gmail.com.

If you’re receiving this letter, we know that you’ve expressed a desire at some point along the way to support our adoption (whether financially, or through prayer, or through your personal encouragement).  We don’t want you to feel obligated at all to give, but we wanted to make you aware of this opportunity.  Thank you so much for wanting to be a part of the process of bringing our new baby home!

If you do desire to give, please send all donations made payable to “Hand in Hand Christian Adoption” postmarked by May 18 to: (for tax purposes please include our name on the outside of the envelope only…do not put our name on the check itself).

Hand in Hand Christian Adoption, Inc.

Josh & Katie Fenska

18318 Mimosa Court

Gardner, KS  66030

With grateful hearts,

Josh & Katie

(You can read more about the grant here.)

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Fun Spring Activity

Looking for a fun, inexpensive, and easy spring activity to do with your kids?  We made some colored rice to play with the other day and it was a huge hit.  * Warning: when your kids play with rice it will likely end up everywhere but it's worth it!*

Easy Colored Rice Recipe (kids can help with every step except the hot water):
1)  Put 2 cups of rice in a plastic bag.
2)  In a bowl, pour in 1 package of kool-aid and enough hot water to dissolve the kool-aid (about 1/4 a cup or less).
3)  Pour the kool-aid into the rice bag.  Seal, and mix it together with your hands.
4)  Pour the colored rice onto a wax paper lined cookie sheet or pan and use a spoon to even it out into one layer of rice.
5)  Let it sit outside in the sun for about 20 minutes or until it's dry.  (If it's not sunny, this will take a couple of hours.)
6)  Scoop it off and pour it into a container.  Let your kids play!

(As you're cleaning up a huge mess on the floor afterwards, repeat to yourself, "Making this memory with my kids was totally worth it.")

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Isn't There Another Way?

Last night my mind was running through all of the paperwork for adoption grants yet to be applied to, then to all of the paperwork yet to be filled out when we apply to agencies, then to all the paperwork that I don't even know about that will likely happen after being matched with a birthmom.  As I was mentally picturing all of these papers yet to be filled out and all of the papers that we've already done, well...I felt tired.  Then I thought, "Isn't there an easier way?"

God instantly brought to mind Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, staring into the cup of God's wrath that awaited Him as He looked ahead to the cross.  And He pleaded, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.”  (Matthew 26:39)  But He knew there wasn't another way.  Our sin completely separated us from God.  It was either Jesus endure incredible suffering and agony being hung on the cross, taking on God's full punishment for sin or God's children could not be a part of His family forever.  There was no other way.

I'm not trying to compare adoption paper work to the crucifixion of Jesus, believe me.  But, I think the Lord wanted to show me two things through remembering this.  First, no amount of suffering I go through compares to the suffering that Jesus went through for me.  He was still completely human while He was completely God.  So He completely felt every bit of that excruciating pain and suffering.  It wasn't lessened because He was sovereign and knew what was coming next.  And that pain?  Being utterly separated from His father and having every sinful thought, action, and word heaped on Himself, bearing the guilt and full weight of that sin even though He had never done anything wrong, and taking the punishment for it all...that is a pain unimaginable.

My weariness at all this paperwork?  It is real and it is hard but it does not compare to all that Christ went through for me.  I will never know what it's like to have every single sin of every single person put on me.  I will never know what it's like to then experience God's wrath and condemnation against all of that evil that I never actually did.  I will never know it because Jesus suffered in my place.

Secondly, adoption is not easy.  It wasn't easy for God to adopt His children into His family.  It wasn't easy for Him to send His Son to the cross.  It wasn't easy and pain free for Jesus to be crucified.  God's adoption of His children came at a great cost to Himself. Is it any wonder that there would be some hard things for us as we're in the process of adopting?

So when I picture the paperwork that awaits me, I want to be amazed at what Jesus has done to make me God's child.  I want to stand in awe as I remember that there was no other way.  And I want to thank God that Jesus didn't give up in the midst of the hard but said, "Not my will, but Yours be done."

* If you'd like to know more about becoming a part of God's family, here's a great link to check out and it'll be worth your time: http://www.matthiasmedia.com.au/2wtl/

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The Silly Pig

Owen's a high energy kind of guy.  He will definitely sit still for a couple minutes to draw, but usually the end result looks like a frantic scribbled eruption of color.  Then, he promptly rolls, folds, and/or rips it up. 

The other day he'd been upstairs alone for way too long and everything was much too quiet so I went up to investigate.  I found him in my room on the floor, surrounded by markers and a piece of paper, grinning ear to ear. I was shocked when I saw that he had actually drawn a real picture!  His creation?  The silly pig.  He went into great detail explaining this picture to me.  My favorite parts are definitely the hearing aids and the suspenders.  Priceless.

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Waiting for Lightning

(For background to this post, read Part 1 and Part 2 of our "switch from international to domestic" story.)

Josh and I had lots of conversations back then that went a lot like this:
Me: "So...are you thinking we should do domestic?"
Josh: "Well, I'm not sure."
Me: "Me either.  What would have to happen for us to be completely sure?"  
Josh: "Good question.  I don't exactly know but I think we should keep praying and talking with other people about it.  The Lord will lead us."

(Photo taken by the lovely Misha Seger)

I'd like to say I left those conversations with an angelic peace and confidence that God would direct our paths. But in reality, what I really felt was frustrated with the process, confused, and antsy for God to just send us a lightning bolt message from heaven saying "ADOPT FROM _______."

So we waited.  We prayed.  We talked with family and friends and got lots of advice and counsel and prayer.  We waited some more.  I got more antsy (read: impatient and discontent!).  At some point, I emailed my friend, Christy, about my confusion.  I specifically asked her "Why in the world would God give us such a heart for transracial adoption and then bring us to this point where Africa isn't an option for us?  That just doesn't make sense."  She reminded me (compassionately) that God's ways are much higher than ours and it's normal not to understand His ways.  Then she just threw out the question, "Why not adopt two African American kids?"  Well...good question.  Why not?

I started learning more about adoption here in the U.S. and was shocked to find out how huge the need for minority adoption is. The majority of couples that seek to adopt are white and the majority of those couples want a baby that looks just like them.  But there's a vast number of minority children in need of adoption and not as many couples willing to adopt trans-racially.  (Note: I am not saying that it's wrong to adopt a white child.  Every single child deserves a family and God calls each family to different things.  If no one adopted white children, that would be awful!  This post is just about what He's called our family to.)  

My heart went out to these birthmoms, courageously choosing life for their babies yet sometimes having very few adoptive parents willing to adopt their child.  Each day, I found myself more and more excited about the idea of adopting domestically. I was ready to run full speed ahead.

Josh wasn't quite in the same place I was, though...at least not yet.  After more months filled with more talking, praying, and waiting on the Lord, we both finally agreed that it seemed like God was leading us to adopt domestically.  There had not been a lightning bolt, but it did seem that His still small voice was leading us in that direction.  So, we stepped out in faith and signed in September with Christian Adoption Consultants.  We would not have anticipated that our story would have taken this turn, but we're so glad that it has!

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Adoption Hierarchy Craziness

(To read part one of how we entered the domestic adoption world, click here.)

As Lord Grantham says on Downton Abbey, "We all have chapters we would rather keep unpublished."  This is a part of our adoption story that I'd rather just forget about.  I've debated sharing it but it's a part of how God brought us to this point.  Plus, I've grown increasingly dissatisfied with anything less than authenticity.  (Facades are a really huge waste of time and I want people to know the real me, not a dressed up version of who I really am.)

(image courtesy of habituallychic.blogspot.com, a blog I have never read)

So, the honest truth? I have been completely resistent to the idea of adopting domestically for many years.  Josh did try to bring it up a couple of times, but when he did, I firmly (and probably rudely) said, "NO."  I told him that I couldn't handle the risk of a birthmom possibly changing her mind; that seemed unthinkable to me.

Then, out of the blue last summer, we suddenly found ourselves in a position where we couldn't escape thinking hard about adopting from the U.S.. We were approached about a pregnant woman in our area that was considering adoption.  If a family wasn't found for this baby, the child would likely be placed in foster care.  Everything changed for us.  There was a real woman with a real baby that was in real need of a family.  Was I willing to surrender my idea of what I thought adoption would look like for us?  Was I willing to risk the possibility of the mom changing her mind?  Those were agonizing questions to ask.  Suddenly, adoption became much less "what do I want to do" and much more "what is God calling our specific family to do"?  

Not long after we learned of that local situation, the family decided to parent their child.  But my heart began to change.  The risk of a birthmom changing her mind had (in a very small way) already happened to us and I lived through it.  But I was still really resistent to giving up the dream of adopting from Africa.  Why?

I couldn't have articulated this at the time, but I was walking around with this false notion of a hierarchy in adoption.  It went something like this: children living in orphanages are the ones who need a family.  Adopting internationally is more important than adopting domestically. Everyone wants babies here in the U.S. and the waiting list is huge so that's not really a need; toddler or older or special needs international adoption is really more needed than any other adoption situation. 

God does NOT view people that way.  The truth is that every single person is made in God's image and so every single person has value and dignity before Him.  Every single child that comes into this world deserves to have a family.  Before God, every soul is equally in need of love and salvation and hope, whether they live in Africa or in America.  There is no hierarchy in God's economy when it comes to orphans, or to anyone for that matter.  When Jesus walked the earth, His love reached out to all kinds of people with all kinds of stories.  As someone loved by God, I'm called by Him to love others, and not just the orphans in third world countries but everyone everywhere.  

Repenting about my thinking was a huge turning point for me.  Still, there had been no lightening bolt vision from heaven, showing us where to adopt. And I was really hoping for one...

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