Adoption Story: Randy and Rhonda

Randy and Rhonda were no strangers to adoption when they got in touch with me back in November. They had already adopted twice . When Rhonda and I first talked on the phone, she shared that Randy was a little skeptical, wondering if they were "too old" to be chosen again by an expectant mom. I'm so glad that they went ahead and stepped out in faith. It didn't take long for them to find out that God was already working to bring their next child to them.

Just a month later after they got started with me, they learned that one of their daughter's birth moms was pregnant again and wanted to place the baby with them. And about a month later, their daughter was in their arms! Isn't she just adorable?!

Photo Credits: Ally Summers

(Randy, I'm pretty sure that God must have been laughing when you wondered if you were "too old!") Your family is a beautiful reflection of God's heart of love for children.

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Adoption Story: Zach and Nikki Opening Their Hearts to Openness

Congratulations, Zach and Nikki, on the beautiful gift of your daughter! Watching this couple walk out their adoption journey with open hearts of love for their daughter's birth mom has been so encouraging. When I think about their adoption journey, the first thing that comes to mind is the beautiful relationship they have formed with their daughter's birth mom. Nikki shares:

"Before signing..., we had looked into all the different adoption avenues. We felt so overwhelmed by the lengthy and complicated adoption process and our ignorance about all of it. We had hundreds of questions, many of which we didn't even know we had at the time, and Google could only offer so many answers. We were hesitant with the cost of adoption to spend extra money on a consultant, but now I know we absolutely could not have done it without Katie... Katie counseled us and held our hand through every step of the way. She connected us with agencies for our home study and agencies and attorneys who would connect us to an expectant mother. Without Katie, we would have had to apply to one or two agencies and been on a waiting list for years before even being presenting to an expectant mother. We were literally quoted 2 or more years by several local agencies. With Katie's help, our home study was finished in 3 months and we immediately began seeing expectant mothers' situations. We brought our daughter home just 9 months after signing... Without Katie, and the network of supporters she connected us with, we would still be sitting on a waiting list, probably feeling helpless and powerless..."

"When we first started thinking about adoption, we wanted a closed adoption. We did not like the idea of an open adoption because we didn't think our child's birth mom should be involved in the raising of our child. We were nervous that our child would not see us as his or her parents, and we felt threatened by the involvement and relationship the birth mom would have with him or her. However, after much prayer and consideration, we decided we must go with an open adoption! The role that a birth mom has in an adopted child's life is invaluable. After reading several articles and watching a documentary all by adult adoptees, we knew that it would be best for our child to know his or her birth mom."

"In open adoption, an expectant mother chooses us to be the parents of her growing baby, and she has confidence in our abilities to love and care for that child. Choosing adoption is not easy, but expectant moms choose this option when they want the absolute best life for their child but know they cannot provide that. Knowing this, we can move forward with the confidence that we are our child's parents and that our child loves us dearly. A curiosity about his or her birth mom does not change that. Of course, appropriate boundaries should be set ahead of time, but having ongoing contact is so important for the mental and emotional well-being of a child. As children grow, they start to have many questions about identity. Ongoing contact with his or her birth mom fills this hole and answers these questions. I would absolutely recommend this, as it is vital for our hearts to know where we came from."

"Our experience with open adoption has been a more incredible experience than we could have ever imagined. Before our daughter's arrival, we formed such deep connections and relationships with her birth mom and family. During our initial meeting, we were able to meet her birth mom and both of her birth mom's parents. Our conversation seemed to flow so naturally, and we all connected immediately. We were all in tears over how grateful we were for each other. During the remainder of the pregnancy, we spoke with the birth mom at least once every 1-2 weeks and texted frequently. She sent us ultrasound pictures, and we were even invited to her home a few days before our daughter arrived for a dinner with her and her extended family. We were always so welcomed and felt like a part of a big family. All of these moments, texts, and conversations we treasure dearly not only because we love this family so much, but also we know how much our daughter will treasure these stories one day too when we share them with her. We are so thankful that our daughter's birth mom continues to keep in contact with us and that our child will never have to wonder who her birth mom was or where she came from. We'll be able to help answer her identity questions and help her to feel secure in knowing that her birth mother loved her deeply and made the most selfless and loving choice for her. We couldn't imagine a better situation for our daughter."

If you are worried or afraid about the idea of an open adoption, can I encourage you to go to God with that, pouring it all out before Him? Maybe it will not be what you end up experiencing, but it is worth praying and asking Him to guide you through your fears and questions. What Zach and Nikki shared about their experience is such a good illustration of the amazing gift that an on-going relationship with your child's birth parents can be.

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Special Needs Adoption Guest Post: He Gives Good Gifts

I'm so grateful to my fellow adoptive mama, Linnea, for her eagerness to share about the journey to her daughter, Sylvia...a journey with the unexpected news of Mosaic Down Syndrome. I sobbed when I read this the first time; I was freshly reminded that I am beautifully, wondrously made in God's image, and He loves me more deeply than I can imagine because I am His daughter. I think this is one of the most stirring and beautiful pieces ever posted on this blog and I am honored to share it with you!

(Guest post by Linnea)

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned through the adoption process is how to give up control. When we first thought about adopting, I imagined a healthy young teenager who found herself with an unplanned pregnancy and needed to choose a good home for her child. A baby would need a home. We wanted a baby. Win – win. We understood that if we were willing to set aside any one of the qualifiers in the most demanded “healthy, white, infant” category, there were many babies that needed homes. So, we started our home study and our search for the infant daughter of any race that we felt God had saved space for in a hearts and home.

Part of the adoption process typically involves agencies asking parents to look through a grocery list of issues that could be in play in a potential adoption situation. We were to sit in our living room and put check marks by what we were ok with our baby dealing with. Blindness, mental illness, Down syndrome, alcohol exposure, cocaine, smoking, conception through rape, history of heart disease, brittle bone disease, asthma, cerebral palsy, cleft palate…. The list goes on and on. We believe all life is sacred, and every child should be wanted. Does that mean we need to be ok with all this stuff? What are we signing up for? What are we requiring of the children we already have? If I had a biological child who had some special needs, I wouldn’t worry about whether or not I should “take them on.” But, we need to be wise, right?

After wrestling with each concern, we determined that we were open to anything correctable (cleft palate, minor birth defects, etc.) and we would discuss drug/alcohol exposure on a case by case basis, but we would avoid situations with lifelong disabilities at play. We reasoned that we should allow margin for unforeseen needs to arise instead of maxing ourselves out at the start.

We presented to a lot of expectant mothers. The process of presenting involves having a profile book (basically a family scrap book) shown as one of 2-15 options for an expectant mother to consider for her adoption plan. We were not chosen many times. I stopped counting in the teens. If there were so many babies that needed homes, why did I feel like we were competing for babies? At that time, God impressed on me that being an option that doesn’t get chosen in an adoption plan is a ministry in and of itself. I tried to rest in that, but, let’s be honest. I hated the wait. I felt rejected. I wanted a baby.

After 6 months of presenting and not being chosen, we learned of a new situation. There was a family history with some risks and some difficult circumstances throughout the pregnancy. At the time, I was studying Gideon and how God had asked him to drastically reduce the size of his army so it would be clear who was winning the victory. At that time, I felt like God was telling me to reduce some of the control I felt I needed over the circumstances surrounding a potential adoption situation. I needed to reduce my armies and let God fight for our baby. So, we presented and were matched!

We traveled to Florida to meet our expectant mother and get a peek at the baby through an ultrasound. It was a surreal and amazing experience. We were so excited! We came home and got everything ready. We chose a name.

Then, we got a call saying that our expectant mother had had a blood test which showed a very high possibility that the baby had Down syndrome. We could back out of the match with no penalty. We had not checked the box for Down syndrome.

But, we weren’t sitting in our living room with a grocery list of issues now. She wasn’t a hypothetical. I had her ultrasound picture in my Bible. She had a name. No. We were committed. She was already loved and so very wanted. I had been preparing for almost a year to breastfeed her. I sent this e-mail to our close family:

I'm not sure how all you are processing the possibility of a special needs grandchild/niece/nephew. But, I'm so grateful for your support through this process. And, I know she's got an army of people waiting to love on her. It's not long now.

Whatever her needs are, I just. want. her. Will having a special needs child be hard? Without a doubt. But, I'll know her and have her and they'll just be her needs, not a catalog of potential needs that I read on the internet. We'll study her and love her and figure out what she needs and use all our resources to help her. And, we'll get her - in our arms, at my breast. 
At the end of the day, we've got to trust God. We've asked him to bless us with another child 
Luke 11:11 “Which of you fathers, if your son asks for[f] a fish, will give him a snake instead? 12 Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? 13 If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!” 
If she has Downs, we are not legally bound to adopt her. We could bail and get our money back. But we won't. I feel like God has impressed on me that doing that would be rejecting a huge blessing that He has for us. 
Do I feel a bit overwhelmed at times? yes. Inadequate? yes. Afraid? yes. But, it turns out that God's strength is made perfect in weakness. So, I get to anticipate His mighty work in our family, in me, in my other kids.
We trust him for His good gifts. We can't wait. 12 more days....

When Sylvia was born, she was perfect – just beautiful. She didn’t seem to have the classic physical markers for Down syndrome – no single crease in her hands, no extra skin at the nape of her neck, no wide space between her big toe and the others… But, wait. Her tiny pinky bent in a bit at the end. Her eyes… were they almond shaped? Was she a little “floppy”? I asked the doctor. They did some genetic testing. Two weeks later, we learned that Sylvia has mosaic Down syndrome.

Mosaic Down syndrome is a type of Down syndrome where some cells in the body have an extra 21st chromosome and some do not. Every type of body tissue may have a different percentage of affected cells, so there is really no way to predict what kind of impact the extra chromosomes will have on the growth and development of the child. All of the risks common to the Down syndrome diagnosis apply, but individuals with mDs often have a milder clinical presentation.

So… here we are a year later. Sylvia is such a joy. She’s a healthy, happy, vigorous little girl. She meets milestones on her own timeline. She rockets around on her belly in a very speedy army crawl. She climbs up to snuggle anyone who sits on the floor. She just started giving slobbery kisses. She’s got her own team of therapists, both professional and in the form of two big brothers and a big sister. We don’t know what the future holds for her, but we’re all in it together. And, I’m so thankful that we get to face the unknowns with her in our arms.

Give me a list of all her disabilities and challenges. I want to check “yes” for every last one.

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Adoptive Dad Guest Post: A New Perspective This Father's Day

This week, I'm featuring some guest posts from adoptive dads. There is something so powerful about hearing from the heart of a father! I have loved working with Will and his wife, Candice, from day one. Right away, it was so evident to me that they have hearts full of love for Jesus and a desire to follow how Him however He leads in their adoption journey. Will, thank you for sharing some reflections with us as you approach this Father's Day!

Photo Cred: Brittany Lynn

As I approach Father’s Day this year I find myself with a new perspective that I didn’t have before starting down the road of adoption. My wife Candice and I have a beautiful three year old boy, Liam, that we have been blessed with biologically, but we are new to this world adoption and all that this incredible journey entails. While we had always talked about wanting to adopt someday, even before having Liam, the reality of the process is so different than what I personally thought it would be. Don’t get me wrong, this is one of the most exciting times in our lives. We have been overwhelmed by our friends and family and how they have rallied around us and amazed by the unexpected ways that God has blessed us. But as we travel this path that God is taking us down, we try to be as open and honest with those around us about all aspects of this journey. 

I’ll just come out and say it. Adoption is hard! While it is in my opinion one of the most beautiful decisions you can make, the road for us has been one that has been dotted with tearful nights, unexpected detours, difficult decisions and moments of heartbreak. It is in these hardships however that I believe God uses us to tell His story of love for the world. I truly believe that being transparent about the pain, anxiety, sacrifice, and hardship doesn't lessen the beauty of adoption; it increases it! 

Looking to the cross I am reminded that Christ had to come to earth, live as a man, take on the sins of the world, be separated from His Father, suffer and die on the cross to adopt us into our heavenly family for eternity. Without that suffering and sacrifice the victory and display of the depth of His love would not have been nearly as great. Even Christ asked His Father to take the cup from Him if there were any other way - but that was not in God's perfect story of salvation for the world. A sacrifice had to be made. I believe that if we were not aware of how great His cost was for us, we would not truly grasp how deep His love for us is. To me, it is through this sometimes painful road of adoption that I believe we are given the opportunity to reflect His perfect love for us by pursuing our future child (or children) regardless of the difficulties that stand in our way. 

I love my Savior knowing that I was a sacrifice, it brings me to my knees, draws me close to Him, and gives me strength and peace to know that he desires to take my burdens as His own. As a Christian we are called to love sacrificially - and I count myself blessed to be able to do that through adoption. I look forward to the day that I get to tell my child (or children) how Candice and I sought them out, fought through difficulties, and wouldn’t let anything get in our way because we desired them more than anything in the world. I pray that they will know without a shadow of a doubt the depth of our love by the we showed for them before we even knew who they were. I can’t wait to tell them that the love we have for them was first shown to us as God’s adopted children. Approaching this Father’s Day, my understanding of the love that the Heavenly Father has for us is so much deeper than ever before and I am so thankful that Candice and I have been given the opportunity to reflect His love with the world around us as we pursue adoption. 

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Adoptive Dad Guest Post: A Dad's Letter to His Daughter's Birthmom

I am grateful to be sharing some guest posts from adoptive dads. When I asked David if he'd like to share a letter to his daughter's birth mom here he quickly answered, "I'm tearing up just thinking about it!" (Oh the love of a father for his child...and to think God loves us even more than this!)  Thank you, David, for sharing your heart for your daughter's birth mama with us!

Photo Credit: Katie Rugg

(From David to Tilly's Birthmom)

Dear “A,”

There are so many things to say, and yet I find myself at a loss for words.  So I guess I’ll start from the beginning.

I had always dreamed of having a daughter.  For whatever reason, I always wanted to have a little “daddy’s girl.”  Early on in our marriage, Sarah and I talked about having three kids.  Our first two kids were boys.  I am crazy about those dudes.  They have brought plenty of challenges as I have learned how to navigate being a dad, but they have also provided an unimaginable amount of joy in my life.  If we had an all-boy family, I would have been delighted.

But then we started talking about adoption, and my heart skipped a beat thinking I might actually have a little girl.  I will never forget the call from our consultant, Katie Fenska, when she said, “Ready for a miracle?  There is a little girl in Florida that needs a family!”  It might have seemed chaotic and it might have made you uneasy, but God had a plan for that little girl that you birthed. 

I will never forget finally pulling up to that hospital.  And never will I ever forget laying eyes on our daughter. I felt the exact same connection laying eyes on her as I did watching my boys being delivered.  It was truly love at first sight.  In that moment, my world was changed.

Several hours later, we got to meet you for the first time.  Sarah and I were nervous.  I can only imagine what was going on in your head.  I won’t pretend to imagine or put to words how you were feeling in a hurricane of emotion, but you locked eyes on me, and said, “This baby is going to have a daddy and brothers to protect her.”  I will never forget that.  That was one of the reasons you were so at peace with our profile book.  You wanted that for her.  What you didn’t know is that this daddy had longed for a daughter to protect.

Everyday, we get the chance to wake up to her massive smile and saucer-like eyes.  Everyday, her little laugh is spread to one or more of our family members.  Everyday is a reminder that you chose life for her.  You chose us to raise her.  She may not have the exact same color skin as we do, but she is one of us.  Everyday, we are reminded of the gift that you gave when you bravely chose life for her. To say "thank you" seems ugly as a means of gratitude for the priceless gift of the daughter that I longed for. 

We always had the name, “Tilly Pearl” picked out, but as we prayed about it, we wanted to honor you.  We added the middle name you wanted for this little girl.  Her official birth certificate reads, “Tilly Pearl Evelee.”  

God knew what he was doing to forever interweave our lives.  He knew exactly the right family for this little girl.  He knew that this dad longed for a daughter.  He knew I needed Tilly. 
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You can read more about David and Sarah's beautiful adoption story here . Please contact me for more info about adoption.

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Adoption Expectations That Make You, Not Break You

Expectations. They can kind of make us or break us, can't they? As I've walked with many people through their adoption journeys, I've seen families crushed by unrealistic expectations and I've seen families beautifully hope in God as they've surrendered their expectations to Him. So what does it look like to have reasonable expectations during your adoption and specifically as you work with me as your adoption consultant? What does it look like for adoption expectations to "make you" rather than "break you?"

1) Remember who is in control.
Sometimes we can trick ourselves into thinking that we can make things happen if we just try hard enough or if others try hard enough on our behalf. But the reality is, in all of life, but especially in adoption, we are not in control. You cannot make an expectant mother choose you. You cannot make a child be placed with you. There is no escaping the reality that we are not ultimately in control of our adoption stories-God is. And that’s really hard but also really freeing because He sees the whole picture long before we do.

2) Remember, God's timing isn't perfectly predictable.
Working with an adoption consultant has many benefits (you can read more about that here). But working with an adoption consultant does not mean you're guaranteed a perfectly easy, lightening fast adoption. Average wait time with me once you’ve applied to multiple agencies under a year to match. That’s the average so that also means you could match sooner or you could match later. If you’re one of the families who is matched before that 6 month time, that’s a wonderful thing! Everyone wants to be that fast whirlwind story, but most adoptions don’t happen that way. If you’re more in that 6-12 month range, take heart-that’s the experience for the majority of my families. If it takes longer than 12 months to match with an expectant mom, that doesn’t mean something is wrong with you, or that you aren't meant to adopt, or that you are doomed! Your wait is still going to be absolutely worth it when your baby is in your arms, no matter how long it takes.

**As a side note, one of the large variables to your wait time is how open you are in your adoption preferences (gender, ethnicity, drug or alcohol use, level of openness, family size, budget, etc) but even that doesn’t ultimately determine anything because at the end of the day, it’s all about God’s timing. There is no way for you or me to perfectly predict when He will bring your child to you.

3) Remember, exposure to more adoption situations doesn't mean presenting your profile each week.
If you work with a consultant, you'll be taking a multi-agency approach and that providers greater exposure to available adoptive situations which can cut down the wait time considerably. That doesn’t mean my families see a situation every day or every week. On the flip side, there may be weeks when my families see multiple situations. When someone takes a typical approach to adoption and only works with one agency, it's not uncommon to wait 2-3 years to be matched, sometimes barely presenting your profile much at all during those years. (This is not the case with everyone, but it's common for many who stick with just one agency.) Families working with me are in a great position since they are typically seeing many more situations than they would be if they were just with one agency.

4) Remember, your adoption consultant is on your team!
This probably sounds ridiculous to even point out but it's still important to remember! Just like you can't make your baby come to you, I can't either. What I can do is pray, and guide, and support and educate you but I cannot tell you what to do in any given situation and I cannot bring your child to you! My heart as a consultant is for my families. I carry them on my heart. I pray for them, I cry for them and with them, and my heart breaks as theirs does. But I can't make someone's adoption happen-only God can bring them their child.

5) Remember, God is working in your wait.
Waiting is not purposeless! Press hard into the Lord during your wait. Waiting is so hard but it’s not worthless. God is in the wait. He wants to draw you to Himself and help you trust in Him. He wants to show you His love and His grace. He wants to increase your heart of love for the women in crisis pregnancies. He wants to lift your gaze away from yourself to Him. God is using the wait to bring your child to you and He is using the wait to bring you more to His throne of grace. He is able to give you all the help that you need during your wait.

I've got to be honest with you though-none of this completely diminishes the hard of waiting in adoption. But fighting to remember these things can help your heart. Waiting doesn't have to break you-it can make you! It can make you more and more into His image.

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God's Relentless Pursuit: Adoption Guest Post

Watching God do incredible things through CJ and Andrea's adoption back in 2014 when they were in the adoption process was an amazing privilege. They are family who deeply loves God, deeply loves one another, and deeply loves adoption. I asked Andrea if she would share some reflections on adoption for the blog today and I'm so glad she was eager to do so. Enjoy!

My husband and I never planned on adoption. Some people are born knowing. Some people know at a young age. Some people know early in their family planning that adoption will be a part of it. This was not us. We had one child. Then two. Then three. And they were perfect and wonderful and beautiful, and they completed our family.   

But God thought not. God whispered in my ear within a few months of #3 making her grand entrance. And after I ignored that whisper, he yelled it loudly. So my husband and I prayed. For over two years, we prayed. And through many lame excuses and a whole lot of doubt, God pursued us relentlessly until we gave him our yes. 

In the adoption process, there can be a lot of fear; so many unknowns. And so much that was out of our control. So we wanted to control what we could, and that meant a closed adoption. Neat and tidy. I think God face-palmed in that moment and sighed. What an amazing opportunity to pour out the love of Christ, and we rejected it. But He worked on us and in us, and by the time we were filling out the paperwork, we were on board with whatever situation God sent our way. And He gave us Levi and his beautiful birth mama. 

We have a semi-open adoption. We have met her once, but once was enough for us to love her. We communicate only via the agency. And I think it is crazy that we ever thought we wanted a closed adoption because our hearts long for more. What a gift she placed in our arms. And, with a few years of parenting under her belt, she knew how her heart would break. When we walked away with Levi, my heart broke for hers. In those moments, my emotion was not wrapped up in the sweet child God had given us, but in the sweet sacrifice that she had made. I was filled to overflowing with a love for her, basically a stranger, who was now and will forever be entangled in our lives. 

When I think about our adoption, I do not see our perfect little family blessing a baby in need, but rather a strong, courageous woman blessing a family in need. Because, though we didn't see it at the time, we needed Levi. We have learned more from him than he will likely ever learn from us. And for that, we are eternally grateful. 

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