Raw Fish and a Maybe Baby

Aren't we just so stinkin' cute together?  I'm glad we got married.

Last week at this time Josh and I were emailing back and forth with a birthmom that was considering our family for adoption. We were connected to her through a friend and it was a crazy "out of the blue" situation, but it looked pretty likely that it might actually happen.  We know enough about the adoption world to know that adoption is unpredictable.  Anything can happen at any time and so last week we kept saying, "Maybe we're having a baby soon.  Or maybe not." Weird, right?

In the "maybe" moments there was excitement and "how would we work out travel plans?" and "I wonder if she'll call us?" and dreaming about that sweet newborn smell.  In the "maybe not" moments there was "this probably won't work out" and "what if the birthfather won't sign consent?" and a myriad of other stressful thoughts.

We talked, we prayed, and we waited for more emails, more questions answered, more contact.  We went to Pennsylvania for our friends' wedding.  We ate great ice cream.  We got to experience the awesomeness of Wegman's over and over again, raw fish and all.

And then, Saturday night, I opened up my email one last time before bed to this, "Josh and Katie, I've decided to keep the baby."

Josh was already asleep so I shook his arm, trying to wake him up to tell him.  He stared at me with this shocked and glazed look.  "Are you awake, Babe?  Do you even hear me?" I whispered.

He opened and closed his eyes a couple of times, then looked straight at me.  "Um...this feels sort of like a strange dream."

In the morning I had to remind him (and myself) that it really wasn't a dream.  It wasn't what we expected, but it was real.  It was such a flat out weird experience.  There's nothing else I've known that compares to it.  On the one hand, we are thankful that she made this decision now (not after months of contact with us), and happy for her that she doesn't have to experience the heartbreak of not parenting her child.  On the other hand, we're disappointed that this situation that seemed so perfect, isn't. It's very surreal.

I don't have this all neat and tidy to present to you with a fancy bow.  Life is complex and you can't just explain away what God does, assuming that you've got Him all figured out.  He can't be figured out, people: He is God! I don't understand why but I don't have to understand what He's doing.  In fact, I CAN'T understand what He's doing because I am not Him.

Our baby is out there.  I have no clue how many "maybe babys" we'll love before we meet our child(ren).  But I'm praying that soon I'll be holding our baby, seeing in the flesh what I know in my mind-that God is working this for good.