Using An Adoption Consultant : Linnea's Experience (Guest Post)

A little over a year ago, a dear friend who lives all the way in Africa sent me a FB message introducing me to another friend of hers who...go figure...happens to live in my community! Soon, I met Linnea and quickly struck up a friendship over motherhood, Jesus, and adoption. I now have the joy of serving her family on their adoption journey, alongside their amazing consultant.

Linnea kindly agreed to guest post today about her experience using an adoption consultant. Thank you, Linnea!

"If you are considering using an adoption consultant, I’d love to share about my experience with Katie and Tracie. 

As soon as we signed up, we were welcomed into an online support group with a membership that includes adoptive parents whose collective experience is invaluable for any question or concern that might come up. Plus, the consultants weigh in, too. People post questions about money, travel, birth family relationships, adoptive breastfeeding, and so much more. I’ve seen answers to questions I would not have even thought to ask. As people have posted about their experiences, I’ve gained an education as to how adoption works and what types of joys and trials I may have in my future.  I know that no matter what twists and turns come in our adoption journey, we will not be alone. And, I know there is a whole network of families that are praying for us.

The two major items every adoptive family must have to start the infamous “waiting stage” are a completed home study and a profile. Katie helped us pick an agency for our home study that aligns with our family values. We chose to create our own profile, but Katie gave us an example to use as a prototype and provided valuable feedback when we had a draft ready.

Now that we are “home study ready,” we rely on Katie and Tracie more than ever. ...has contacts and connections all over the country. Tracie uses those contacts and lets us know about situations that might match our family. She’s advised us about which agencies and lawyers are best to work with. Instead of choosing just one agency, we have our home study and profile out to three agencies and three lawyers. We hope this means we won’t have to wait as long to bring our baby home.

When you are an adoptive family, it can feel at times like you are powerless. Agencies and lawyers set out hoops and you busy yourself by jumping through them. Of course, it is very important for a woman making an adoption plan to supported and counseled. But, with Tracie and Katie, I feel like we have experts supporting and counseling us. We need that. When considering different situations, we can ask our consultants anything and discuss any concerns we have. They have been able to get information and updates for us that we would never be able to request on our own. 

The personal attention that Katie gives us has meant so much to us. She’s been through this. She knows how we feel. She’s feeling it with us again. She’s praying for us. She’s helping us. She’s rooting for us."

Thank you, Linnea! I'm so grateful to be on this journey along with you!

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What I Know Now and Wished I Would Have Known Then (Guest Post)

I'm so grateful to Amber for writing this guest post today! Mark and Amber are an incredibly sweet and thoughtful waiting adoptive couple. I have the privilege of serving them alongside their adoption consultant. Amber has some very helpful thoughts for those who have considered using an adoption consultant but aren't sure if it's worth it.

"What I Know Now and Wished I Would Have Known Then"

(by Amber)

It has been a 9 year journey to know God's child for us and I anticipated another Mother's Day would come and go without meeting our child.  It is one of those days that bring mixed emotions when you long to be a mother.  I passed through the hallways at church and avoided the long line where children handed out carnations to all the mothers.  Everyone who doesn't know about your journey wishes you a "Happy Mother's Day" and you graciously say "Thank You", not wanting to share the story of your longing for a child.   Although this Mother's Day we were still waiting for the baby The Lord will bless us with, we had something else, we had hope and peace.  You see, a few weeks prior we made the decision to work with an adoption consultant.

Working with them has been the best decision we have made in our journey to be parents.  What a blessing it has been working with Katie and Tracie.  After waiting 6 months with my prior agency and becoming extremely disheartened, a friend suggested that I consider a consultant.  She had used them to help bring home her beautiful baby girl and always sings their praises.  Initially, I shot down the idea thinking that it would just be more fees in an already expensive adoption process.  After all, I'd been working four jobs for many years to finance our adoption and had budgeted down to the penny.  After a little research I realized it wasn't as costly as I believed. I know now it is SO worth every cent.  I wish I would have known about them from the beginning.  I was amazed how quickly we were provided multiple opportunities to show our profile to sweet birth moms.  We finally had choices as opposed to remaining at one agency hoping and praying for that one phone call that never came.  In addition to connecting me with thoughtful agencies, the assistance I have received has been invaluable.  It’s like being enveloped with support on this beautiful, stressful, emotional, roller coaster ride they call adoption.  

Unsolicited, on this Mother's Day I received the following text message from Katie.  It stated, "I'm praying for you today, that God would comfort your heart in the painful wait to be a mommy. Praying that He would bring your child home to you soon!"  She later told me that I "already have a mother's heart of love."  Finally......someone who gets it!

Special thanks to Katie and Tracie for walking alongside us in this process and being a part of our dream.  I am forever grateful!


Thank YOU, Amber! I can't wait to watch God's beautiful plans for your family continue to unfold!

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Is Our Family Too Big To Adopt?

There are many fears and falsehoods out there about adoption such as: "I could never afford to adopt," "Is there really a need in the U.S.," "Birthmoms are scary," "My spouse will never agree," "Can I really love a child I didn't give birth to," "Do I really have what it takes," and "I'm too old." Today, I want to share about another falsehood that hinders people from adopting. It's this assumption: Our family is too big to adopt.

Can a "large" family adopt domestically? Yes! But the requirements for adoptive families vary from agency to agency. Some agencies do not let families with a certain amount of children adopt through them. But not every adoption agency works that way. If you've been told by an agency that you have too many children to pursue adoption, don't let that stop you from continuing to learn more.

It makes me so sad when I run across a family that says, "We wanted to adopt but were told by the agency we couldn't because of our family size." Not every agency has those specific perimeters! It is indeed possible for a "large" family to adopt domestically if you find the right agencies. Especially with a multi-agency approach, an adoption consultant can point you to multiple agencies and attorneys across the United States who are happy to work with "larger" families.

That may lead you to ask another question: do expectant mothers ever choose a larger adoptive family? Every expectant mom is different and so each will differ in the hopes and preferences she has for the family that will adopt her child. Some expectant moms don't prefer to place their baby in a home with any children at all, some want a home with only one or two kids, and some are not at all deterred by large families. In fact, some expectant moms specifically desire a larger family.

If God has given you a desire to adopt, please don't let the idea that your family is "too large" stand in your way! I recently had a family with seven children chosen by the very first expectant mama that they presented their profile book to. If God wants your family to bring home a child through the gift of adoption, He is able to bring that about.

For more information about domestic adoption, please contact me!

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Am I Too Old to Adopt?

Maybe years ago you talked about adoption but never pursued it. Deep down in your heart, you wish that you had acted back then on that dream. Or maybe you just started wondering about adoption for the first time. But, now? Well, now you're kind of thinking:

But are you, really?

Every country has different laws regarding parental age limits in adoption. Because I'm most familiar with domestic infant adoption, I'll speak to that. In the United States, you will find people adopting domestically up into their forties, fifties, and even some into their sixties. Are you in that age range and healthy? Then legally, you probably aren't "too old" to adopt. Adoption laws aren't holding you back because of your age. So what is? When you think about adoption, are you primarily looking at it from a "practical" perspective or from an eternal one?

"You are not your own, for you were bought with a price." 1 Corinthians 6:19)

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you." John 15:12

In His great love, God has adopted us as His children and He calls us to reflect His heart of love, no matter what age we are! There are children both here and all over the world of all ages who need a loving, safe, forever family. I want you to hear from some actual parents who were over the age of 40 when they adopted their child(ren) as infant(s). What they have to say is powerful and inspiring!

Names: Sue and Brad
Age when pursued adoption: 40 and 41 when they brought their twin baby girls home
Family: Children ages 15, 14, triplet 12 year olds, and twin 1 year olds
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"Yes, I'm more tired and I'll be the oldest parent when my kids start school. But isn't it better that these children have an older mom and dad than NO mom and dad? Also, for us, being Christians, we feel that just because we are older doesn't give us an excuse to just stop serving. We really feel that God has called us to live our lives for HIM and not ourselves. For us, this also meant giving up the American Dream of having kids, getting them out of the house, and pursuing retirement. We want to serve until we die, literally. And for us, that means parenting longer than most people. And you know what? It's totally worth it. What could be more important than raising little souls?" -Sue

Names: Stacia and Jobie
Ages when pursued adoption: 43 and 44
Family: Children ages 27, 22, 19, 13, 8 and 7 months and the grandchildren that live with them are 6, 4, 3 and 11 months.
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"The benefits FAR outweigh the doubts when it comes to parenting as an older parent! More patience, more of an understanding as to how quickly they do grow in those first months and years and we are more relaxed. If you know that God has placed adoption on your heart, DON'T DOUBT what He can do! Don't hesitate any longer, just do it and SEE what He does with your obedience. Lay your apprehension down, and never look back. It will change you in ways you've never imagined and yes, it's beautiful AND hard, but SO, SO worth it. I see God's promises every day in the sweet little smile on this precious boy's face!" -Stacia

Names: Kym and David
Ages when pursued adoption: 43 and almost 50
Family: Children ages 23, 21, 19, 16, 14, 10, 9, 3, and 3 months.
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"There are some "valid" concerns...dying before they are grown, not being fun or energetic enough, (I am more fun, and I have older kids who can chase a two year old if I can't!). We are just ordinary people, who have been blessed in amazing ways by God with these amazing kids! If you are worried about whether you should adopt in your 40's and 50's I would say if the desire is there, it is there for a reason! Adoption isn't really about what we need, it is about being available to be the second best choice for a child. It is a hard joyous path. And David and I are both so glad we took it! And in being available for the child who needed our family, we have been blessed beyond our imagination!" -Kym

Names: Kim and Bruce
Ages when pursued adoption: 42 and 43
Family: Children ages 16, 15, 12, 8 and 20 months
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"We are so much more relaxed than we were in our younger years! I think we are really able to enjoy him as we know now how fast time goes and how quickly each stage goes. We realize how much more precious life is...We truly enjoy being older parents so much! Also, we happen to have teenagers, too, and that is an added bonus as they are so helpful. It is also so great to see them love on him." -Kim

Names: Denn and Melinda
Ages when pursued adoption: 44 and 45
Family: Children ages 27, 25, 22, 3, twin 2 year olds (and have 6 grandbabies)
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“We are sure we will never have time to be in rockers (except to rock our babies to sleep)…and we cannot imagine our lives without them! We often ask each other 'what on earth would we be doing right now if not this?!' We would be filling our lives with most likely worthless things! Living that lie 'the American dream.' This all has changed our lives so wonderfully!" -Melinda

If you have a desire to adopt but you're wondering if you're too old, please don't assume that it's too late. Go before God and ask Him about it. Don't let your age stand in the way. Maybe He will tell you it's not His plan for your family. But maybe He will lead you into one of the greatest joys of your life.

Check out some other fears/falsehoods to pursuing adoption that have been covered in this series: "I could never afford to adopt," "Is there really a need in the U.S.," "Birthmoms are scary," "My spouse will never agree," "Can I really love a child I didn't give birth to?," and "Do I really have what it takes?"

For more information on domestic adoption, please contact me.

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Do I Have What It Takes To Adopt?

Adoption is a beautiful gift but there are many fears and falsehoods that keep people, even people who are seriously considering adoption, from pursuing it. So far in this series, we've talked about the hindrances "I could never afford to adopt," "Is there really a need in the U.S.," "Birthmoms are scary," "My spouse will never agree," and "Can I really love a child I didn't give birth to?"  Here is another common fear you may be wrestling with:

Being a parent is not for the faint of heart. It's tough and it's tiring and it's complex as much as it is rewarding and joy-giving. Our daily weakness and failures can weigh heavy on our hearts as we consider the enormous responsibility we have been given. We mess up. Every day. And it effects our kids in real ways. So, throw in the difficult complexities of adoption and, well...it's not surprising that we can fear that we don't have what it takes.

Being an adoptive parent may involve a variety of difficult parenting scenarios. Just to name a few:

• talking with a child about their first-parents and the circumstances that led to their adoption
• family members and friends not understanding you and/or discouraging your choice to adopt
• dealing with insensitive and hurtful comments from others about adoption
• parenting through tough identity issues as a child grows
• painful conversations with your child as they suffer the effects of racism
• patiently building attachment and working hard to bond with a child who has endured trauma
• working through language and cultural barriers
• caring for their physical and/or emotional challenges
• having attention drawn to your family again and again wherever you go.

That stuff is hard-there's no denying it and it's certainly not helpful to ignore it. And while not every adoption is going to involve all of these, every adoption is going to require you to do some hard things as a parent. Despite the myriad of great adoption books and seminars out there, no one can fully prepare you for the tough parenting things that arise in adoption. Maybe we fear these things because, in part, we know it's true: we aren't good enough parents to make our kids "turn out" ok. We don't have what it takes to "make up for" what they've lost. We don't have "enough love" to make everything ok for them. Maybe that's why it's scary to think about parenting at all, let alone parenting through hard things in adoption!

But there is One who is a perfect parent. For every mistake we make, Jesus is able to bring good somehow. For every time we sin, Jesus is able to perfectly forgive us. On our own, we often don't have what it takes to handle all the complex issues in parenting biological children or those who come to us through adoption. We don't have what it takes. But our Father does. And He loves to bring healing to the broken.

Adoption is worth it. Talk about your fears. Pray about them. Work through them. Get equipped! Don't let your fears that you don't have what it takes to become an adoptive parent keep you from the gift of adoption. You will never be a perfect parent, but your Faithful God is.

For more information on domestic adoption, please contact me.

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Can I love a child I didn't give birth to?

So far in this series, we've covered the following fears and falsehoods that can be hindrances to adoption: "I could never afford it," "Is there really a need in the U.S.?" and "Birthmoms are scary." Let's look at another common fear: Can I love a child that I didn't give birth to?

It's something whispered in hushed tones, something few are willing to vocalize even though many considering adoption are thinking the same thing. Amidst the fears and falsehoods hindering people from pursuing adoption, this may be the most paralyzing of all. If you've considered adopting but haven't been able to move past this question, you're not alone.

Why? Why is that such a common fear as people are considering adoption?

1. In America, we tend to define love primarily by an emotional feeling. We're all about passionate emotions and "love at first sight." We think that love is something that always happens immediately and without any effort. The thought that it may take time to grow in loving someone seems terrifying and wrong (when it fact, it's often the way that love works...even with biological children).
2. We can very quickly make everything in life about ME. How I feel, how I think, how it effects ME. What if I don't feel an immediate overpowering love for my child? What if it takes time and effort for my love to strengthen and deepen? That would be hard for ME.
3. We know that the love of parents is highly important for the well-being of children. We feel the weight of that responsibility but that weight can turn into fear, especially because...
4. We're so self-sufficient that we think our ability to love is dependent upon us and our own strength. We don't want to ever need help from others or from God. We don't believe that He is able to do way more than we can in our own efforts.

Can you love a child that you didn't give birth to? Yes. But the speed and intensity at which that love grows is going to be different for each adoptive family.

For those adopting an infant, it's fairly unusual to lack that "connection" quickly. That doesn't mean those feelings will come immediately for everyone who adopts an infant. For some, they will feel it when they are matched with an expectant mom even before the child is born. For others, the deep love will come the minute they meet their child. For others, the connection may develop after the baby leaves the hospital and comes home. And for others, it may intensify in the days and months to come.

For those adopting an older child, the complexities of connecting and developing attachment and deepening love is often more of a process over time. That is understandable and normal; don't let it scare you away! Again, this looks different for each family. Loving someone often takes time. For many, it will take patience, it will take education and equipping, it may involve counseling or other outside help, and it will definitely take a dependence on the Author of Love Himself. But God is able to tightly wind the attachment an adoptive parent has with their child. (I love how my friend, Kim, poignantly addressed this.)

Can you love a child you didn't give birth to? Yes! If you are willing to accept that God is the author of love and He is more than able to bring it about in His timing, if you can see love as more than just an emotion, if you are willing to believe that not experiencing "love at first sight" doesn't determine the future love you can feel for your child, if you're willing to lay down your own love of ease and self for the sake of a child, if you're willing to do whatever you can to learn and grow and depend wholly on the Lord to deepen your love, then you don't need to be afraid. Don't let fear of your own abilities to love keep you from the beauty of adoption.

For more information about domestic adoption, please contact me!

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What About Birth Moms?

In this series about "Adoption Fears and Falsehoods" we've looked at the falsehoods, "I could never afford to adopt" and"Is there really a need in the U.S.?" as well as, "My Spouse will never agree to adopt." Today I want to look at another very common obstacle for families considering adoption. It's this myth: Birth moms are scary.

It's important to point out from the start that many of our fears surrounding birthmoms are both irrational and inaccurate. The majority of the women who place their child for adoption are not at all like the "boogeymen" that dramatic television has portrayed them as. Let's think about who these women really are and what they are really doing:

• Countercultural: They are choosing to go through the emotional and physical stress of pregnancy for nine months even though abortion is highly accessible and acceptable in our society.
• Courageous: The decision these women make is often not supported by members of their family or friends-some have virtually no one encouraging them in their adoption choice. Often they are being pressured on many sides to abort their child.
• Selfless: These women are looking beyond their own preference or comfort or even their own happiness to do what they feel is best for their baby.
• Long-suffering: A woman doesn't just have a baby and forget.  These ladies carry the memory of their precious child with them forever.

Birthmothers are incredibly strong women who make the difficult choice to give their child life. We don't need to fear them. I certainly can't explain this as well as an actual birthmom so I contacted one of my favorite adoption bloggers, Amber of "Bumber's Bumblings," for help. Amber is an adoptive mama who has an incredible open adoption with her son's birthmom, Ash. Here's a little picture to introduce you to Amber and Ash:

I'm thankful to be able to re-post with permission this thoughtful, honest explanation from Ash about her personal experience with this "Birthmom Boogeyman" stereotype.  Ash writes the following:

"Unfortunately, there is no amount of words that can portray the torment that surrounds placing your child into the arms of another. The choice to place is one that comes from extreme emotional pain of knowing that the best choice for your child is to live a life that does not need or include you. It is physically reaching deep down into the cavity of your soul, ripping out your heart, and walking away. It is living each day in black and white because the life and color is elsewhere. It is the determination and sheer grit of making sure that the one you love is cared for over and above what you want."     

Does that sound like a woman that you need to fear?  She goes on to say:

"...the Birthmom Boogeyman is actually a fictional character who is the arch-nemesis of Birthmom’s everywhere. We have enough love and conviction for our child to physically and emotionally place them into the care of another, at the expense of our daily emotional torment. At the very least we would have the sense to know our sacrifice must be protected. The family unit around our child must be kept sacred and secure. The last thing on our mind is heading for the border or competing for the role as “Mom.” 
(To read the rest of Ash's post, go here.)

These women are not people we need to fear. They are actually some of the most courageous and selfless women you will ever have the privilege of meeting. Josh and I continue to be so amazed by the strength of Titus's birthmom (and we think you should be, too!).

As a side note, many people are also unaware that there are actual laws in place making the act of birthparents signing over their parental rights irrevocable in domestic adoption. Each state has different laws concerning the amount of time that passes before a birthmom legally signs over her parental rights (for example, in Utah it's 24 hours, in Illinois it's 72 hours, in Rhode Island it's 15 days). But once they do sign over their rights, a birthmom's decision is irrevocable. (There is an exception to this in the unlikely event of a woman's signing being obtained under fraud or coercion. And laws pertaining to Native American adoptions are more complex.) There is a set amount of time that passes (again, varying from state to state) where the adoptive family is visited by their homestudy agency and then the adoption is finalized through court and a new birth certificate is issued. Once an adoption is finalized it is irrevocable. Legally, a birthmother can't "come back" and change her mind. But remember, the majority of these ladies would never dream of "coming back" in the first place.

Don't let the idea that birthmoms are scary keep you from experiencing the joys of adoption. Birthmoms are not boogeymen.  They are brave and beautiful. Without them, adoption would never be possible.

For further information about domestic adoption, please contact me!

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