Friday, July 13, 2012

No Induction In Sight

I've never been "on time" with any of my babies.  It's safe to say that I'm somewhat of an expert at being overdue.  Above is a picture of chubby tired me the day before Addie Beth was born.  I was swollen, fighting acid reflux, peeing six times an hour, and swore that my baby would NEVER come.  I was sure that I would be pregnant forever, as in, for the rest of my life.

As uncomfortable as I was physically, that paled in comparison to the weirdo intense emotional roller-coaster I was riding each day as I waved goodbye to my due date and stared blankly into a calendar of unknowns.  Each night I would go to sleep wondering, "Is this the night?  Is this the night I'll wake up and head to the hospital?  Is this the last night of sleep in our house as a family of four?"  Then, each morning I would wake up, tired and somewhat discouraged, wondering when I'd meet my baby.  I'd go through the motions of the day, but my mind was often somewhere else in the world of "whens" and "hows".  I could cry at nothing or get angry at everything; my emotions were flying all over the room like an annoying fly that you can't seem to smash.

I went through this with each of my babies.  But then, I would inevitably have an appointment with my midwives where they'd schedule an induction.  I would know for sure that if the baby didn't come by _____, my little one would come on the induction date.  It helped a little to know that there was an end to the waiting in sight, but it was still hard to wait.
You know what this part of the adoption process is like for me?  It's like being overdue with no induction in sight.  It's like being overdue for months and months.  Each night I toss and turn wondering, "Is tomorrow it?  Will we get an email or a call tomorrow that will change our life?  Is this the last night that I'll go to sleep not knowing who our baby is?"  And then, I wake up and go through the day, trying to live a normal life while my mind struggles to be still.  I think, "What will our schedule look like this fall if we have a newborn...or maybe we won't meet our baby until Christmas?  Will we get matched this month or next month or six months from now?  Where is our baby?  Is our baby's birthmom safe and healthy and supported or is she terrified and alone?"  One minute I'm laughing with my kids and the next I'm crying as I find out about a friend's due date.  I feel like an emotional wreck!

So, that's what it's like right now as we wait.  It's hard.  I know then, and I know now, that I will never understand God or His ways or why we have to wait for good things.  And yet I also know that His true Word tells me that His plan is perfect.  I know that one day, we will have the little one(s) God has planned for our family and all of the waiting will be over.  And just like our other three are worth the agony of me being overdue, this new baby will be absolutely worth it.
(This is sweet Addie Beth a day after the first picture in this post was taken.)

***I really value each and every bit of encouragement you give me.  I'm trying a new comment feature in hopes that it makes it easier for you to share your thoughts.  Would you indulge me and try it out so I can see how it works?  What thoughts do you have for me as I wait for this baby?




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