Adoption Update: Applications Sent

When I began to fill these envelopes I expected to feel relief and excitement.  Relief because the adoption applications, copies of our homestudy, and profiles would finally be out of my hands.  Excitement because they'd soon be off to adoption agencies and attorneys that will help us bring our litte one home.  What I didn't expect were tears.

I touched each profile slowly, suddenly frozen with the gravity of what the pages represent.  Overcome with emotion, I whispered to Josh, "She'll touch these.  I don't know if we'll ever get to meet her or talk to her, but I'm touching this page that she will touch."  It felt like a holy moment.

I longed to somehow infuse our love into each page.  I lingered, desperately wanting this woman who is pregnant with our child to feel how much we love her right now, to believe that we care about her as a person and not just about the life growing inside of her.  I imagined what her hands might look like, imagined what she might feel as she flips through pages, trying to make one of most difficult decisions of her life.

As tears streamed down my face, I breathed prayers for whatever women will touch these books.  We don't know how many birthmoms will see our profile before we're connected with the one that wants us to parent her child.  Oh how I begged God to speak to each of those women, to tell them how courageous and selfless they are for choosing to give their child life, to tell them how much they are loved!

So yes, it's a relief and yes, it's exciting to have our applications finally mailed out.  We want to be parents again and we are praying it happens soon! But adoption is a mixture of grief and joy.  With every flicker of happy anticipation for this new baby comes a wave of sorrow for what's being lost.  As we gain a child, another mother will be saying goodbye to her baby.  I never want to be excited about our gain without being heartbroken for her loss.

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Dishes Can Wait

I woke up tired, slapped together some quick breakfast, threw in a load of laundry, and rushed to get out of the door on time.  As usual, I was late.  I drove to her apartment, my mind racing with the litany of things I could be doing.  "My house is a wreck.  I didn't unload the dishwasher.  Tali needs help with her phonics.  I hope the kids are good for their grandma.  Do I really have time for this?"

I saw her waiting quietly for me by her front door, her sweet baby girl peeking out at me from the colorful wrap. Instant screams erupted as I lifted the little one into her carseat and headed to the clinic with my Burmese friend and her baby.  I had no idea exactly why the visit was needed, only that she can't speak much English or drive and needed my help to get there.

"How many years married?" I asked her in simplified English.  She thought for a moment, then smiled, "Seven year," she replied.  

"I...Katie...I am 31.  How old are you?"  "Thirty year," she confidently said as we pulled into the clinic parking lot, searching for an open space.  I have known my new friend for a couple of months now but I marveled at this piece of information.  We have both been married for seven years.  We are almost the same age.  And yet our lives could not have unfolded more differently.  All I have known is safety, stability, familiarity.  All that my friend has known is upheaval.

We quickly took the crying baby out of the carseat and she fastened her into her wrap once more.  I attempted to tell her how beautiful I thought the wrap was with little success.  "Kee-tee, kahz-oles?  Like kahz-oles?" she peered into my eyes.  I wracked my brain for some sort of guess as to what "kahz-oles" meant but came up with nothing.  As often is the case with our conversations, we both smiled, knowing we had tried to communicate and had failed.

We entered a waiting room surrounded by loud, energetic children.  There were babies crying.  There were toddlers standing on tables.  There was Spanish and broken English and in the noise and commotion, my friend's sweet baby was lulled right to sleep.  Everywhere I looked I saw pregnant teenage mothers toting solemn faced children and nurses patiently smiling amidst the chaos and poverty.

"How many years were you in the refugee camp?"  I asked.  I learned that she had lived half of her life there, met her husband there, even had four of her five babies there.  "When...I come America?  I no English," she shook her head and smiled. 

After around an hour of waiting, we were finally called back.  Through the help of a translator, the doctor conveyed her concern for the baby's low iron counts and weight that had dropped off of the charts.  Nutritional concepts are completely new to my dear friend who has spent years eating mainly beans and rice.  The baby needs iron and protein and fat.  The doctor asked if I could help her go shopping for some healthy foods for the baby.

As we left the clinic, I asked her about going grocery shopping.  "No money on card.  No money till 17," she said.  Thankful that I could help in some small way, I bought her some groceries.  I tried to explain how to make the baby cereal, and we drove back to her apartment.  It had now been three hours since I had left home.  I carried the food to her kitchen and began to leave.  

"Kee-tee?"  She called my name as she picked up a stack of beautiful blue cloth.  "Kee-tee, kahz-oles.  For you.  Kahz-oles.  Thank you." I unfolded the intricately woven skirt and shirt that she had brought with her all the way from Thailand, running my fingers over the colorful design.  I looked up into her smiling face, amazed at this act of extravagant kindness from my friend that truly has very few possessions.  

Hours before, I had wondered if I had the time to help.  Now, as I drove the fifteen minutes home, my eyes brimmed with tears and my mind flooded with the sights and sounds of the afternoon.  All of the injustices that my friend has seen in her life, all of the pregnant scared young moms like I saw in the waiting room, people with no money to buy their baby food, all of the doctors and nurses and relief workers everywhere trying to make a difference in a world where there is always another need to fill...it felt sickening and oppressive.  I cried out to God to do something, to come and act and help.  And I whispered thanks to Him for how He already is helping-for the opportunity to be a part of His work in caring for even just this one family.  As I looked at my new "kahz-oles" (clothes), I suddenly could not imagine a better use of my afternoon.

* If you would like to know more about helping a refugee family in need, this is a great place to check out.

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Waiting

"How much of life is lost in waiting?"  ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Each of us are waiting for something, aren't we?  Maybe you're waiting for someone to email you back or to waiting for your kids to sleep through the night or waiting for a raise at work.  Maybe you're waiting to feel happy again or waiting to hear from someone you love or waiting to find out some life-changing information.

Right now we're waiting to be matched with a birthmom, waiting to meet the child (or children) that God has planned to enter our family.  Waiting is not easy-it never is.  But I so don't want to lose precious moments of precious days, pining away for what I'm waiting for and missing what's already before me.  I am alive and I have an amazing family that I love dearly.  I'm healthy and I have a home and a house and sunshine pouring through my windows.  I have food and friends and laughter and music and so many things to give thanks for if I will stop and look around me instead of yearning so much to be done with the waiting.

Lord, help me to wait in such a way that I seize each moment You give me, that I don't waste these fleeting hours and days until we see our baby's face.

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Questions with Answers

With adoption, and with all of life, there are many questions that are left unanswered.  Why does it have to be so expensive?  Why do some people wait for years for a child while others adopt quickly?  Why do some birthmoms change their minds before the baby is born and others wait until they are at the hospital?  There are many questions in the adoption world that I don't have good answers for.  But I thought I'd tackle a couple of questions that we have been asked recently that I actually do have answers for!

Q:  How will you connect with a birthmom?

A:  We're applying to various agencies and lawyers offices that work with birthmoms.  When a situation comes up with a birthmom looking to make an adoption plan, if we fit some of the qualities she's looking for, we will be contacted.  We'll learn about some of the details (fees involved, health history of birthparents, due date, etc.) and can decide if we want our profile shown.

Q:  What's a profile?

A:  A profile is basically like a scrapbook of our family with lots of pictures and information about us (what we do for fun, what our holiday traditions are, what our personalities are like, etc.).  Our extremely talented friend, Heather, made ours and I'm hoping to share it on here soon!  The profile is an EXTREMELY important part of our adoption process.

Q:  How does a birthmom choose a family?

A:  This varies case by case.  Sometimes it's through a personal connection (like the situation we were connected with last month).  Often, a birthmom will contact a crisis pregnancy center, an attorney, or an adoption agency for help.  She will hopefully receive some counseling and help to process the decision to make an adoption plan.  Then, she'll be shown some profiles of adoptive families and choose which family she wants to raise her child.  (Hence, the importance of the profile!)  At times, she will ask for a phone call with the prospective adoptive parents before making her decision.

Q:  Don't you have to wait for years to adopt an infant?

A:  That depends.  The largest percentage of couples in America that adopt are Caucasians that are seeking to adopt a Caucasian healthy infant so those lists are very long.  There are MANY infants who do not fall in that category; minority babies, babies whose birthmother has a less than perfect health history (mental illness, any drug usage, any cigarrettes, etc.), and babies with special needs are often waiting for adoption.  The wait time for these situations is much shorter because, sadly, there are not long lists of couples waiting to adopt in those situations.  (And there's an even shorter wait-time if you are adopting from foster care or adopting an older child.)  

Q:  Are you seriously telling me that minority babies often are born without anyone willing to adopt them?

A:  Yes.  It makes me sick but the answer is yes.  Sometimes babies are even born and are placed into foster care because there is no one willing to adopt them.  I could write much more on this heated topic but I'll do that another time.

Q: So are you adopting an African American child?

A:  We will most likely be adopting an African American or Bi-racial child.  Again, I will write more about this in another post but the main reason we are doing this is because that's how God has led our family.

Q:  Where are you at in the process?

A:  On Monday we will send out applications and our profile to four different agencies/attorneys.  From there, we wait to be matched with a birthmom.

Q:  How long will it take?

A:  We have no idea.  Sometimes people are matched immediately.  Sometimes people have their profile shown to 20+ different birthmoms before they finally are chosen.  It could go very quickly for us or it could not.

Q:  How much will your adoption cost?

A:  Thank you for asking that instead of saying, "how much will your baby cost?"  We aren't buying a baby; babies are priceless.  But we will be paying fees related to agency/attorney costs, birthmom's counseling & medical fees, etc.  Our adoption will probably be around $25,000.

Q:  Do you have all the funds that you need?

A:  Nope.  We still need about $9000.  We're saving, applying for grants, continuing our Etsy store, and praying for God to provide.  If you're interested in giving, we will be putting up a PayPal button on my blog soon.  Every little bit helps!

Q:  You're not going to have any contact with your baby's birthparents, right?  

A:  We absolutely hope and pray that we will have contact with our baby's first-parents!  Research has shown that children deal with their adoptions much better if they know something about their birthparents.  (This is VERY different than what was thought about adoptions in the past.  Adoptions used to be totally closed where there was NO information shared between birthparents and adoptive parents.  That's why you used to have lots of situations with kids never being told they were adopted or children turning 18 and suddenly going on a search for their birthparents.)  Initially, we were afraid of the idea of contact with birthparents.  But as we've read more research, we've come to believe that it's in a child's best interest to know about their birthparents.  And we've come to see that our child's birthparents will always be an important part of their story.  We already care about our child's birthparents and we don't even know who they are yet!  I'm praying that we'll be able to develop a great relationship with our child's first-parents for the years to come.  

What other questions to you have?  I would love to hear them!  Leave me a comment (feel free to do it anonymously if you want) or email me at alreadyloveyou at gmail.com with your questions and I'll try to answer them as best I can.

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Raw Fish and a Maybe Baby

Aren't we just so stinkin' cute together?  I'm glad we got married.

Last week at this time Josh and I were emailing back and forth with a birthmom that was considering our family for adoption. We were connected to her through a friend and it was a crazy "out of the blue" situation, but it looked pretty likely that it might actually happen.  We know enough about the adoption world to know that adoption is unpredictable.  Anything can happen at any time and so last week we kept saying, "Maybe we're having a baby soon.  Or maybe not." Weird, right?

In the "maybe" moments there was excitement and "how would we work out travel plans?" and "I wonder if she'll call us?" and dreaming about that sweet newborn smell.  In the "maybe not" moments there was "this probably won't work out" and "what if the birthfather won't sign consent?" and a myriad of other stressful thoughts.

We talked, we prayed, and we waited for more emails, more questions answered, more contact.  We went to Pennsylvania for our friends' wedding.  We ate great ice cream.  We got to experience the awesomeness of Wegman's over and over again, raw fish and all.

And then, Saturday night, I opened up my email one last time before bed to this, "Josh and Katie, I've decided to keep the baby."

Josh was already asleep so I shook his arm, trying to wake him up to tell him.  He stared at me with this shocked and glazed look.  "Are you awake, Babe?  Do you even hear me?" I whispered.

He opened and closed his eyes a couple of times, then looked straight at me.  "Um...this feels sort of like a strange dream."

In the morning I had to remind him (and myself) that it really wasn't a dream.  It wasn't what we expected, but it was real.  It was such a flat out weird experience.  There's nothing else I've known that compares to it.  On the one hand, we are thankful that she made this decision now (not after months of contact with us), and happy for her that she doesn't have to experience the heartbreak of not parenting her child.  On the other hand, we're disappointed that this situation that seemed so perfect, isn't. It's very surreal.

I don't have this all neat and tidy to present to you with a fancy bow.  Life is complex and you can't just explain away what God does, assuming that you've got Him all figured out.  He can't be figured out, people: He is God! I don't understand why but I don't have to understand what He's doing.  In fact, I CAN'T understand what He's doing because I am not Him.

Our baby is out there.  I have no clue how many "maybe babys" we'll love before we meet our child(ren).  But I'm praying that soon I'll be holding our baby, seeing in the flesh what I know in my mind-that God is working this for good.

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Come and See

Way back when we first started talking about adoption, we were absolutely certain that we wouldn't be able to do it alone.  We knew that the money wasn't going to fall from trees and yet we also knew that God was giving us a desire to adopt.  So we started the process, unsure exactly how all of the funds would come in, but confident that God would bring it.  And every step of the way, He has been faithful.

It was true then and it is true now; we cannot bring home our child(ren) without God providing.  Guess what He has done in the four weeks since we found out about our grant?

"Come and see what God has done: He is awesome in His deeds toward the children of man."  Psalm 66:5

Through the Hand in Hand grant, through new friends, through old friends, through single friends and married friends and friends in other countries, through amazing family, through gifts small and large, God has brought in $10,700!  If we said we were encouraged by that, it would be a major understatement!  We are so blown away by the generosity and love we've been shown.  Every time another dollar comes in, it is a reminder to us that God loves adoption.  It's a reminder to us that He doesn't want our child to be an orphan; He wants to bring our baby home to his or her family forever.  And it's a reminder to us that we are incredibly blessed with crazy generous friends and family who love because He has first loved them.

When we combine the recent matching grant and gifts with the funds we've saved over the last 2 years, we're beyond half way toward our goal of having $25,000 ready to complete the adoption.  I just talked with our adoption consultant, Tracie, yesterday and she said that we're definitely at a point where we can begin applying to agencies and lawyers.  We really are getting closer to becoming a family of six (or seven)!  We still need around $10,000 before we can bring home our baby.  We're not out to twist anyone's arm to give (because arm twisting is not only annoying, it's wrong!).  But please join us in praying that God would continue to provide.

I have heard of people going through the adoption process, feeling like they are walking alone.  This has absolutely not been the case for us.  Thank you so much for your excitement, for your questions, for your generous gifts, for your support, and for your prayers.  We thank God for you!

(If you do want to give, you can write your check out to “Hand in Hand Christian Adoption” postmarked by May 18 to this address. For tax purposes please include our name on the outside of the envelope only…do not put our name on the check itself.)

Hand in Hand Christian Adoption, Inc.
Josh & Katie Fenska
18318 Mimosa Court
Gardner, KS  66030

Note: We've already maxed out the "matching funds" part of our grant so if you give at this point, it won't be matched.  But anything given until May 18 will still be tax deductible and will still go to our adoption fund.  To read more about the grant, click here.

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Fear Not: Part 7

(If you missed the earlier posts in this series, you can find them here: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6.)

I want to just be really honest here and say that this idea of actually needing to fight for faith has been the crucial point of challenge for me.  I don't want to have to work at this.  I want everything in life to be easy-lasting peace included.  I want to just slap a scripture on it and repeat, “Fear not, fear not” a couple times and feel all better. But that’s not how trust in God usually grows.

If you want to strengthen your muscles, you don’t expect that just sitting at home on your couch is going to do anything to help you get toned.  And we rarely grow in trusting God by merely doing nothing either.  There is a war going on in our hearts - the war for faith in God.  Wars aren’t won in a day and we won’t win the war against fear in a day either.  There’s battle after battle after exhausting and challenging battle before victory comes.  The question is whether we’re going to choose to pick up our weapons and fight for faith or merely be trampled by our fears.

So how about you?  Are you using the weapons of prayer and the weapon of reminding yourself of what God’s Word says is true about Him?  Are you doing that even when your feelings and circumstances are screaming otherwise?  Or are you just passively listening to what your fears and circumstances seem to be saying?

I’d like to share a little bit about how fighting fears with faith in God has made a difference in my life.  I share this not to make you think highly of me (I could never have brought about this change on my own).  I share this to give you hope.  I’ve never met a person more consumed with fears than I was and I have seen that God really can transform fearful hearts like mine.  It really is possible for you and for me to grow with the help of the Holy Spirit.

First, let me share some things that I’ve tried to do over the years to weaken fears and anxieties.  I’ve tried to ignore it (you know-try just not to think about it and hope it goes away).  That didn’t work.  I tried to convince it away (you know-tell myself that the statistics were incredibly unlikely that I would get kidnapped while going to the mailbox).  That didn’t help.  I tried to educate my fears away (you know-scour the Internet for every possible way to eliminate anxiety attacks).  That didn’t work either.  In fact, going to the Internet to help me weaken fear has only brought on more fears.  I’ve tried to barter with God; “Lord, don’t you think I deserve some peace?  I’m trying to follow You!”  That didn’t bring me lasting peace either.  So what did help me not to fear what is frightening? Honestly it’s been the two things that Philippians 4 mentions: prayer and "talking to myself."

I started really engaging in this war against fear when I came to our church. The Lord kindly introduced me to a book by Ed Welch that my friend, Jodi gave me about fearing people vs. trusting God.  Through this book and some other excellent resources, God started to show me that my fears were not happening just because I’m naturally introverted or because of my family background or because this is just how I’ve always been.  I started seeing that fear had to do with my heart and what I was really believing about God.  I started to see that through the help of the Holy Spirit teaching me to fight for faith, lasting peace was really possible.

I began to re-read passages in scripture about anxiety and started asking God to help me see how trustworthy He really is.  Instead of just reading the same scriptures over and over hoping that just reading them would change me, I started praying through scripture and thinking about it.  I began talking to myself and reminding myself of who God is.  Slowly, over time, this started to become a way of life for me.

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